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Topic : 11/24 Meddling Future Mothers-in-law

Number of Replies: 120
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Created on : Friday, September 16, 2005, 04:31:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original airdate: 09/21/05) Imagine that you've finally found your soul mate and are about to walk down the aisle, but there's one thing holding you back - the voice of your future mother-in-law! While Dr. Phil and Robin are excited about their soon-to-be daughter-in-law, not all parents are as lucky. Carla says that her future mother-in-law, Christine, hates her so much that she tried to run her over with a truck. Christine claims she is being pushed out of her son's life. Can Dr. Phil help them each see both side of the story? And, Donna insists that her daughter Nikki have a big church wedding, but Nikki's fiance, Tommy, wants to escape to Jamaica for their big day. Nikki is caught in the middle and trying to please both. Can you relate?

 

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September 21, 2005, 12:25 pm CDT

What's a mom to do?

 
September 21, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

Wow, that mom needs to back off a bit....

My mother in law used to be very much like that, but what it took was my HUSBAND stepping up and bluntly telling her to either knock it off or that his relationship with her would be severed (by HIM- not ME).   He didn't do it because he didn't love her, or because he was taking sides, but he did it because he DID love her and wanted us all to have a good relationship.   Yes, it hurt her feelings (actually I think it made her angry)-- she hung up on him one day after she had pushed the limit over the phone and he confronted her....and then, she called back 3 days later with a deep apology.  She had to think about it all and be honest with herself inside, I suppose.  But since that date, we have yet to have clashes or run ins.  I appreciate her deeply now and I feel that she feels the same way about me.  It's become a huge blessing, but my husband had to step up and be the head of our house & take care of the situation.  It's been great since!!  

 
September 21, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

Wow yrea

Quote From: jaimie23

My mother in law is constantly in our business telling us how marriages are supposed to be and im doing this wrong and doing that wrong. Shes gone as far as to start fights between my husband and I telling me one thing that he supposibly said vise versa cause a HUGE fight between us. It got to the point where I was about to divorce my husband cause I couldnt take the stress anymore. Our marriage wasnt a marriage with her around we never had alone time cause she was always over. Always picking at me saying I need to clean more, and i keep a clean house. Now I was grown up to respect my elders but this woman I have given my mind to more times than I like to admit. Imagine being told u dont like ur nieces and nephews ALL because u just had a healthy little baby in dead winter and their all sick and I "hate" them all because I didnt want sick kids coming to see my baby right after we got home from delivering her! Needless to say we had to move because I honestly wouldnt still be married to my husband if we had stayed in the same town as her!!!!!!!!!!!!!!

Wowie... Yeah, I think alot of women can sympathize with you--- like I was saying in my earlier thing on here, myhusband just stood up for me and took care of it.  All I could do was forgive her and let it go as God would want me to, but since he did that, she has totally knocked it off.  I think she sat (over a period of 3 days not communicating with him) and realized that her attitude toward me and her son would end up deteriorating her relationship with him, and she did not want to lose her baby son...  

  

Hope it helps !  

 
September 21, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

What exactly does Dr. Phil know about being a mother-in-law or a daughter-in-law?

I son't understand what exactly it is that Dr. Phil knows about being a mother in law or daughter in law.  I am both.  Feelings are conflicting sometime.  I feel only another mother can understand the bond between a mother and a son.  I don't even expect a daughter in law to understand.  the relationship with her mother is different.  He needs to stick to subjects he truly understands.
 
September 21, 2005, 12:53 pm CDT

Meddling Mother-in-law

I simply wanted to comment on today's show, Sept 21, 2005.  In watching this spisode, I really noticed a lot of manipulation  on the part of Carla's future mother-in-law.  It's certainly not to say she doesn't love her son, but it's blatent that she's competing with Carla for her son's attention and his affections.  I think although she wants everyone to believe she loves Carla, I truly think she resents her; not intentionally.  I hope this woman will succeed in the help that's being offered to her and everyone will co--exist without this daily tug-og-war.  It was difficult for me to feel any empathy for the mother-in-law because she wouldn't own up to her own behavior.  Instead, she danced around it and it was like pulling teeth to get a straight answer out of her.  And for the son to feel terrified or afraid of his mother, that's speaks a thousand words.  What a sad situation.  I hope everything works out and this mother will let her son be the man he needs to be. 
 
September 21, 2005, 12:56 pm CDT

Just a quiet life

Quote From: planetjliz

I think you did exactly what you should have done. You have to put your foot down early or no one takes you seriously. Also, it doesn't sound like your fiance was stepping in so maybe you set a great example for him in the meantime.  

  

You were not in the wrong by any means. If you're telling it like it is then you have no reason to feel bad because you were totally civil. Your MIL sounds like a drama queen "stepped on her neck"???? come on now...you hit it on the head when you said "more like I stepped on her toes". 

  

  

thanks for the vote of confidence.

It does take a lot for me to actually say whats on my mind and how things are bothering me so I know its serious when i do.

My partner is so supportive and he knows what his family are like, he apologises all the time and reminds me that I am marrying him and not his family.  He's a wonderful person and neither of them will spoil what we have together that is one thing I am sure of.

I think their problem is their lives are not as enriched as they would like and they certainly dont have anyone special so i think most of it is if they are not happy then its hard to see someone else happy plus they have been this way for as long as they can remember always forcing opinions on people and telling them as it is whether they like it or not, i guess they are not used to someone turning the tables and them feeling what they have been making people feel like for a long time.  I have put up with a lot in my short 35 years and ive never played the victim always got up dusted myself down and got on with it so i dont have much sympathy and patience when people try that one.  Im just glad we live in another country but why is it they can still get to me?

thanks again for your comments and your support it makes things better to deal with

M
 
September 21, 2005, 1:23 pm CDT

How Much Is Too Much?

From the show, I gathered that this lady was visiting "uninvited" on a pretty regular basis.  However, I was wondering what is considered a "pretty regular basis" and what would be an acceptable basis?  Does anyone have any ideas on this?  I am a mother/mother-in-law who visits "uninvited" maybe once or twice a month.  Is that unreasonable?  My son has made it very clear that he expects me to ALWAYS call before I visit. 

 
September 21, 2005, 1:39 pm CDT

I can relate

This first woman (Christine) sounds exactly like my MIL! She calls us almost every day, she tells my husband that I'm getting fat, she constantly critizes every aspect of our lives. This family should be happy that they are discovering these issues before they get married! The son even sounds like my husband! We'll have a conversation about what we need to do and what boundries we need to set with his mom and he is getting really into it and excited, and tells me he's going to keep her at a distance that she should be. Then she'll call and he tells her every thing that's been going on and how I'm doing and what I'm cooking for dinner and if I'm not there or working. We just recently found out that she'd been lying to us about money issues too! She had been paying bills that she created when my husband and her still lived together even though they were in his name, and we called her to make sure she'd been keeping up with them. Turns out she hasn't paid them in MONTHS on one of the accounts was closed. She was offended when I said I would start working more hours at my job and pay them off. She kept insisting that she would pay them. I finally told her that she's not going to pay them because they actually need to be paid and apparently she doesn't care enough for her son or pregnant daughter in law to tell the truth and do the right thing. She has stopped calling us for the past couple weeks and now refuses to talk to me. i don't even want to get into how ridiculous this whole grandchild thing has been! Apparently if it's not baptized in the catholic church, it's going to hell! Why is that her business? my parents havent' gotten involved in any of this crap! They let us have our own lives b/c wer'e adults!!
 
September 21, 2005, 1:56 pm CDT

you don't think he's qualified to speak on this subject?

Quote From: sandlapper

I son't understand what exactly it is that Dr. Phil knows about being a mother in law or daughter in law.  I am both.  Feelings are conflicting sometime.  I feel only another mother can understand the bond between a mother and a son.  I don't even expect a daughter in law to understand.  the relationship with her mother is different.  He needs to stick to subjects he truly understands.

I'm a DIL & a MIL to be & I'm going to tell you what I just told my future DIL & her mother just last week.  This topic of "in-laws" came up because of a storie of another MIL I'd heard.  I swore that I would not EVER alienate (sp?) my future DIL & I told her straight out that it's my fondest wish for us to be friends & for her to know she can always come to me for whatever she needs.  I told her while she's certainly part of our family now I cannot really be a mother to her because she's already got one, but I'd do everything I could to help support her & my sons life together.  I told her that if there was ever a time she felt I was over stepping my position to please just talk to me as she would a friend & we'd work it out.  Last but not least I told her that the sift of my sons loyalty should be from me to her & I knew this.  My son being loyal to his wife before *anyone else* means that I've done my job as his mother well & he's learned from me & his father how his wife should be treated.   

  

I do understand the bond between a mother & son (I have 3) but when they take a wife we need to take a step back & let his wife take her place beside him. They're partners & we are no longer part of their decision making process.  There's no room for more than 1 partner in a marriage.  The parents need to back off & let them bond & their marriage develope with out interference.   

 
September 21, 2005, 1:59 pm CDT

Thoughts on the show, Nicole and Tommy

Luckily, my mother-in-law is great, but I have found that many times, husbands have a very difficult time standing up to their mothers. I can only imagine as a mother, how hard it is to let another woman become a part of your son's life! But the ones who do allow that are always the most happy and content.
My thoughts about Nicole and Tommy's situation. Why not have a church wedding at home and go on a honeymoon to Jamaica? You can find some reasonable package deals to Jamaica, especially at certain times of the year.
On a side note, that is what my husband and I did and we were not all that thrilled with Jamaica. I had always dreamed of going there, but it was nothing like I thought it would be. Nearly all the couples we have ever met who went there had a similar experience. Maybe it is just me, and we were in the wrong places, but there are lots of other "tropical" destinations that this couple could consider.
 
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