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Topic : 11/24 Meddling Future Mothers-in-law

Number of Replies: 120
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Created on : Friday, September 16, 2005, 04:31:34 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original airdate: 09/21/05) Imagine that you've finally found your soul mate and are about to walk down the aisle, but there's one thing holding you back - the voice of your future mother-in-law! While Dr. Phil and Robin are excited about their soon-to-be daughter-in-law, not all parents are as lucky. Carla says that her future mother-in-law, Christine, hates her so much that she tried to run her over with a truck. Christine claims she is being pushed out of her son's life. Can Dr. Phil help them each see both side of the story? And, Donna insists that her daughter Nikki have a big church wedding, but Nikki's fiance, Tommy, wants to escape to Jamaica for their big day. Nikki is caught in the middle and trying to please both. Can you relate?

 

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September 21, 2005, 6:04 pm CDT

Compromise

I had a similar situation with my wedding.  I could not choose between the beach wedding or the church wedding.  I spent 18 months planning the big wedding.  I loved every minute of it but my husband does not like being the center of attention.  A big wedding scared him.  I also felt the wedding was turning into a party and losing its meaning.  3 months before the wedding my husband and I invited two friends to FL and got married on the beach.  We told our parents and a few close friends.  3 months later we went through with the church wedding as well.  My husband was happy and so was I.  I have no regrets.  And after my parents got over the shock they understood as well and were very happy for us.  On the plus side we have 2 anniversaries to celebrate.
 
September 21, 2005, 6:17 pm CDT

Compromise

Quote From: mary23

I had a similar situation with my wedding.  I could not choose between the beach wedding or the church wedding.  I spent 18 months planning the big wedding.  I loved every minute of it but my husband does not like being the center of attention.  A big wedding scared him.  I also felt the wedding was turning into a party and losing its meaning.  3 months before the wedding my husband and I invited two friends to FL and got married on the beach.  We told our parents and a few close friends.  3 months later we went through with the church wedding as well.  My husband was happy and so was I.  I have no regrets.  And after my parents got over the shock they understood as well and were very happy for us.  On the plus side we have 2 anniversaries to celebrate.
Why can't Nikki & her fiance compromise--have the wedding on the beach, let Mom walk her down the aisle (on the sand!), and then later have a big family get-together back home as a reception.  Then everyone would have a part in the couple's special day, her hubby to be would have his dream, and she could be with her family, too.
 
September 21, 2005, 6:47 pm CDT

are you kidding?

Quote From: oldmother

 I think, Dr. Phil does not live in the real world. If he did, he would see that some MIL can not do ANYTHING right.  No ,matter what happens. Ladies, there are some "EVIL" girls out there. Also. girls today have no respect , I would never have talked nasty to my MIL, out of respect for her. and respect for my husband. They enjoy pushing MIL away, after all we raised our sons to be good men, now they take over, and say the heck with us. I also wonder why Jay didn't share his lifes plans with his parents...would it have been the same if it had been a daughter?

Let me just say you know you're old when you start a sentence by saying "girls/boys/kids/people today" & then go on to mention what they do or don't do from "back when I was a girl/guy".   It use to be thought that a womans place was in the home but that doesn't exactly still hold true now does it & can you imagine your man telling you that's where he wants you & doing "womans work" while you're there?  If I recall correctly "back in the day" girls were just as "evil" & tricking men (or those mama boys) into bed to trap them in marriage & of course my personal favorite "getting themselves pregnant" as though their baby boys had nothing to do with it.   

  

I can assure you I absolutely live in the "real world" even though it doesn't it's a different view than your.  I've raised sons too and I know it can be difficult to let go, but letting go of our kids is a part of life & a DIL taking over is as natural as you having given birth.  The parents need to back off & let them be a couple period.  If you want to be a part of your sons & DIL's life I suggest trying some "mutual respect" you know that's the kind you have to earn............ 

 
September 21, 2005, 7:14 pm CDT

what the heck?

Quote From: ladybug05

It is never appropriate to visit anyone, regardless of the relationship, without prior notice.  This is a matter of common manners and common sense.  Also, you do not call to say that you are coming over - you ask permission!!!!!

Why are you addressing this to me?  where did I say it isn't "common manners & common sense"?  I'm going to repeat what you had already quoted me saying 

  

"You son has told you as you say "very clearly" that he always wants you to call before a visit. It doesn't matter what anyone else thinks is an "acceptable basis" because he finds it acceptable for you to ALWAYS CALL.  I don't think that's too big of a thing for you to do & if he's made this clear why would you continue to question it?  This is where in-laws create a rift & then can't understand why their in-laws don't want to visit at all.  Your son has set a boundry & you shouldn't question any boundries at all & you should just respect it period. " 

  

I KNOW that it's common manners & common sense to call before coming over & yes OF COURSE I KNOW that when you call you're actually asking permission or it's posed as a question!!!!!!!   This however doesn't mean a flying thing because it was beside the point that her SON SET A BOUNDRY & WAS STILL ARGUING IT & CHECKING WITH OTHERS LOOKING FOR THEM TO SIDE WITH HER SO SHE HAS MORE OF AN ARGUMENT TO FACE HIM WITH.   I don't care what rule it is or how it does or doesn't fit in with societies deffinition of manners etc.  The point was the woman was told point blank what he & his wife wanted & what was expected & STILL she wouldn't just respect them as a grown up couple & the rules of THIER HOME.  Dr. Phil has said this umpteen times & still people do not get this. 

 
September 21, 2005, 7:18 pm CDT

Real World

Dr. Phil lives in the real world because the real world isn't about what age or gender you are. It's about what boundaries you are willing to set. 

  

It doesn't matter if the issue is between a son and dad, a mom and her daughter, or friends. It all boils down to the same base: do you have appropriate boundaries? If not, you need to set those up. 

  

I'd also like to mention that for people who are being threatened by family members that they "won't come to the wedding if you don't <insert whatever they want here>" I suggest you call their bluff. These people are trying to be manipulative and the only way to set a boundary and not allow their manipulation is to call their bluff. In other words, if they say they won't come to the wedding, say "I'm sorry to hear that. You'll be missed" and then hang up the phone or walk away from the conversation. 

  

If you lay down, people will walk all over you. 

 
September 21, 2005, 8:41 pm CDT

SPECIAL ANNOUNCEMENT off subject --But about family

*1 More Yellow Ribbon*

On September 11, 2005 a new message board was established on drphil.com to SUPPORT OUR SONS AND DAUGHTERS in the military.

This is a forum for soldiers, their families other compassionate and concerned individuals for both mutual support and to talk about real things folks can do to help those who serve and protect.

Will you please join us? Who do you know that is in-harms-way? Tell us about them. We can do more to support our loved ones. We can make our voice heard and make their voices heard as well.

GO TO MESSAGE BOARDS page
CLICK BEYOND THE HEADLINES
CLICK News and Current Events
CLICK *1 More Yellow Ribbon*

Most Americans agree to support OUR TROOPS. That’s wonderful. But what does that mean? OUR TROOPS are individuals... every soldier is someone’s son or daughter. As we tie our yellow ribbons, let’s attach names to the sons and daughters collectively know as OUR TROOPS.

FAMILIES are also caught up in the war.

THIS WAR has hit our home. Our son Mike is in the desert. Until he returns safely the light on our patio shines day and night on a large AMERICAN FLAG tied with a YELLOW ribbon. We call it MIKE’S LIGHT.

Please light a lamp in your window or keep a porch light on, fly the flag proudly, and tie a yellow ribbon for those in harms way. We invite folks to post pictures of these tributes on the board.

What else can we do to support those who are sacrificing because of the war? Everyone can do SOMETHING. Please share your ideas.

When I asked our son what I could do for him, he said, “You speak for me!” Mike said I should tell people that each man and woman in the military has a job to do. They need the support of the American people to get the job done and come home!

Mike’s Mom
 
September 21, 2005, 11:41 pm CDT

for Robin

Dear Robin, I have a married son and the hardest thing is realizing that I am #2 lady in his life now. Have you seen the saying" A Mother holds her childs' hand for awhile, their heart forever" I promise this is true. I am no longer my sons' comforter, nurse, advisor or teacher. Dr. Phil won't understand and I'm not sure you can express it to him. But you raised your son to be a responsible adult, independent and loving and you have done your job.  Now it is time to pat yourself on your back and turn him over to Erica, the greatest gift you can give. Realize that now your son and his wife will have to decide where to spend Christmas, Thanksgiving, etc. And now Jay has two families, not just yours.  It hurts a lot but be proud and that helps mend the heart. And the joy is  still to come in the grandchildren.!!!
 
September 22, 2005, 6:04 am CDT

Run Carla Run

Carla needs to run as if the devil were nipping at her heels!  I ended a relationship with a fiancee that I had been with for three years, because I couldn't imagine having his mother in my life forever. 

She always considered me a rival for her sons affection like she was his other girlfriend.  She constantly tattled on me, and I got so sick of hearing "Mama said, and I agree with her".   My finacee was 35 at the time and still lived at home , it didn't strike me as odd at first because with the work he did, he was gone three weeks and home one.  I later learned that he never had any intention of living home ever!   

Ending the relationship was extremely painful, and I greived its loss for a year.  But I did move on and now I am married to wonderful, wonderful man, my Mother in Law has a little trouble minding her own business but that I can deal with 

 
September 22, 2005, 7:28 am CDT

Dr. Phil Understands

Quote From: sandlapper

I son't understand what exactly it is that Dr. Phil knows about being a mother in law or daughter in law.  I am both.  Feelings are conflicting sometime.  I feel only another mother can understand the bond between a mother and a son.  I don't even expect a daughter in law to understand.  the relationship with her mother is different.  He needs to stick to subjects he truly understands.
To your response to the show, I have to say that I am convinced that Dr. Phil knows his stuff. I do not say this because I just blindly follow and believe him, trust me, I disagree with him on some issues that have been brought up in the past. The reason I say he knows what he is talking about, is because like any good doctor, he has probably done his research. If Dr. Phil is the professional that he lets everyone believe he is, then he has probably talked to many mother's in law and daughter's in law so that he can help give some very qualified insight to these families' problems.
 
September 22, 2005, 7:36 am CDT

09/21 Meddling Future Mothers-in-law

Quote From: dnsyslo

Maudie- 

  

I can only say that our MILs are cut from the same mold. She threatens to call social services and report us as busive if we "cross her", which entails various sins, according to her. She has initiated a car chase with me, her son and our unborn child in the car, she lies to our kids and tells them she loves them much more than we do and at their age her reasoning of "i never punish you...blah bla blah" causes problems for them. She tells lies to my husband, knowing hell come home nad confront me and it will cause a fight. She cuts my kids off when they speak of their other grandparents, she holds things over our heads making it impossible to be grateful or thankful for anything because with every breath you are reminded you SHOULD BE. 

  

I must admit its better now, my husband finally decided enough was enough, after she called me a W**** in a restaurant in front of a full house, and picked a huge fight. He told her on the phone later to go easy on my ID had a rough day. That was the last straw. I spent the night somewhere else. That was his wakeup call. ITs been better. There are still days and this message doesnt cover a drop in the bucket of what shes pulled, done and said, but I had to let you know you are not alone. I am praying she never actually makes the call to social services...they take kids first, ask questions later and she is under the mistaken notion that SS will just deposit the boys to her and they will be forever hers. She cant be convinced theyll wind up in a foster home until things are sorted out, if ever and that she will lose ALL of us, even after we get the kids back. You cant reason with the woman. Ive never met anyone so selfish, needy, short sighted and downright wicked. She tries to be a good person, but purely for the recognition. THere are ALWAYS ulterior motives with her. It may take months for them to be apparent to others, sometimes even me, but they are always there, and always just around the corner.  

When I seen this showed I actually wished that my problems with my mother-in-law were so small. By no means am I trying to belittle thier issues, as I am sure they they cause huge problems for them. 

  

I can totally relate to everything you are saying. 100%. When we left Florida my husband and I weren't married yet. I told him "Look, I am going home. You can come or you can stay." Luckily, he came. But I find as the years pass on he is more like his mother than I realized. Luckily, he realizes this too and works hard to try and make things right and peaceful at home. 

  

My MIL has accused me of everything under the sun. Everything from cheating on him, to our first child together not really being his, and to be after her husband. ( my hubbys stepfather) She has even said that I had an affair with hubbys StepMOTHER!!! 

  

What's sad, too is that hubby has 2 other sisters. The oldest child is put on a pedestal and can do no wrong. She actually DOES drugs during her pregnancies and has raised a 6 year old little girl who is 10 times worse then the ones on the show the other day. This is a little girl who refuses to go to school and whose parents argree...She's not gonna listen to a N**GG*R teacher!! Can you imagine!!!!!! MIL and the parents all think this is OK as well. In fact, they find it funny. The other sister's kids are treated just as poorly as mine because my MIL hates her husband and his family. 

  

I am not keeping hubby away from his mother. I have told him he is free to call her and see her as he wishes. However, me and the kids will NEVER be a part of her life. As much as I love my husband, I will kick him to the curb before she is allowed to cause an additional problems for the kids whatsoever.  Its just something I won't tolerate. Luckily, hubby has no interest in her. 

  

When we moved down to FL from NY after my hubby got out of the Army, she had alot of really nasty things to say about me. I am 5'5" tall and was a size 3 at the time. She told everyone I had to be a Coke addict cuz there was no way I could be that tiny after having twins. Even though my twins were 3 years old then.  She also said I was FAT. She actually encouraged my hubby to go out and sleep with as many women as he could instead of settling down with me. She said she'd rather him have 10 other kids with 10 other women then him be with me at all. 

  

You are totally right about the ulterior motives. There is always something up her sleeve. No matter what she does or says there is always more to the story. I have learned to take every single thing she has ever said with a grain of saly. 9 times out of 10 its all lies or has been "adjusted" to make her look like the good person.  

  

I have never met a more self-centered, manipulative, over-bearing, abolute queen of bitches in my life. I still suffer from serious self-esteem issues when it comes to her. When we moved down there I was very confident in who I was, I felt pretty, I dressed well, and was someone everyone liked. After being there less than 2 weeks all of that was taken away from me. I still struggle with who I am now and what I look like and I feel like I have to hide my true religion from everyone now so I won't be burned at the stake. It's been a toigh way of life. But no matter what, the sad thing is that until the day she dies, she will always be there causing problems for us and trying to break up our marriage. 

 
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