Topic : 11/24 Meddling Future Mothers-in-law

"If you find there are people that are mean to you & say things you feel are hurtful to you & about you, what you want to do is figure out what part of it you are playing in it.  If it's more than one person perhaps they're trying to tell you something & maybe it's YOU that is the problem & really not them.  Just because there are others that are able to tolerate you or are able to deal with you that doesn't mean it's not really you".    

If it's your MIL & your DIL that are "both" evil then I suggest you examine your own behavior. you said "If I remind them about the gifts I got her, I do it only to show that I am supportive and not mean"  so a "really expensive gift" from you means it comes with the price of you reminding your DIL that you got her a gift?  Oh & it's a "really expensive gift".  But you're not trying to be mean just show you're supportive of her?  As someone else just pointed out the words of the character Marie on "Everybody Loves Raymond".   "I only do it out of love" & that to me sounds an awful lot like "I only do it to show I'm supportive of her".   

You say your DIL feels you don't like her & from what you've said of her here I can see where she'd feel that way!  You feel she's trying to ruin the family, she's manipulative & controlling & has been out to get you from just after the nuptuals?  Your son calls & wants you to apologize & yet there's no admission to any wrong doing on your part does that mean you wouldn't apologize?  You'd said your DIL had some "issues that she is not dealing with" & you don't think that maybe the issues are with you & that she's tried to be polite & not say anything at the start of their marriage?  Maybe your son is asking for an apology because he can see his wife's point & where she'd have hurt feelings?  & Don't you think it would get a little old to have someone buy you something only to be throwing it in your face all the time?  If you don't want her to feel you "don't like her" then you might want to try to find some qualities that you find about her that are redeaming!   You've sat here & verbally ripped this woman up to people who don't even know her & you claim you're the perfect MIL & haven't don't anything wrong etc. & yet you can't see how she thinks you don't like her?    

You need to takemy mothers advice.  Stop finding what's wrong with your MIL & DIL & stop & think about the things that may be bothering her.  There is not one side to something & while you COMPARE HER TO 7 FIND HER FALLING SHORT OF YOUR OTHER DIL she is NOT your other DIL.  You see when you compare women & then say your other DIL is "honest & straight forward" it's like calling your other DIL a liar or dishonest.  Perhaps your other DIL who has the issues finds it difficult to just tell you to your face when she doesn't like something.  Maybe she was taught to be mindful of someone else's feelings & she's sensitive to not hurt someone else's feelings.  Perhaps she feels that verbally letting you have it would hurt her husband because you're his mother & he loves you.  Maybe she's trying not to hurt him by creating such a rift it really does sever your relationship.   

I find it funny how you identify with the intrusive MIL on this show & didn't see any of the other side.  It doesn't lend for the claim that you're reasonable or trying to be helpful & supportive.  It just says that you can't see & won't try to see any side but your own & you'll not see anyone but yourself as the victim.  It's much easier that way isn't it. 

When you have a telephone to come over without calling.  I had a mother that came from a time with no phones & it was she who taught me it's never polite to show up without calling EVER.  This would be in-laws or anyone else for that matter.  When I was first married my mother was literally driving by my apartment with my father & brother & went up the street & called from a pay phone (no cells back then) to check & see if we were home & if it was ok to stop in.  Not when it's "too regularly" but EVER.   

If your son has told you that he always wants you always to call them it doesn't matter if you're babysitting or dropping something off you need to pick up a phone & call first.  If he said you are to  "always" call then this not happening "very often" is very "unreasonable" & it doesn't matter what you consider it. And I will go farther to say that what is really unreasonable is that you disregard their opinion & have no respect for the rules/boundries they've set.  If your son has told you you should "always call" & you continue because in your opinion it's only once or twice a month and YOU don't consider it unreasonable you've no regard for their feelings & thier view of things.   

And you know you didn't come here to see how others handle this because you don't want to hear anything but what agrees with your view of it.  You had 2 people tell you that in their circles it's common manner to always call first & you're telling us we're wrong because it doesn't reenforce what you want.  & on top of that it doesn't matter what is common it's what your son wants & you've heard everyone including Dr. Phil day you've got to respect their boundries.  period.     

But of course you do because if someone doesn't agree with you or heavens to Betsy tells you you need to "earn respect" they're either Not living in the real world, unable to understand the feelings of a mom (Like Dr. Phil) , or like me are being "judgemental".  And you still didn't answer any of my questions.  Do you feel Dr. Phil is not qualified to judge this situation even thought he's a trained professional & someone's SON?  Opps that's right he's not a mom.  LOL  you do cover yourself well so you can play the victim don't ya?   

I'm sure you don't want to know any more of what I think & that would be because to you yours is the only opinion &/or view you'll even entertain & perhaps it's because you know what I'm saying is the truth.  Maybe I'm even repeating some of the things you've already heard. And it would be real painful to actually think that you may actually have some responsibility in the problems you have with your DIL.  But oops if mine isn't the same as your opinion you can just make me out to be one of those evil meanie DIL's too.  I am in deed a DIL after all.  Though I also have to say up front the reason I'd mentioned being old & the expressions you'd used is because I seem to be old enough to recognize them too.  Now correct me if I'm wrong but couldn't that make me just as old as you or close to it?  See perhaps you're too sensitive to even see something said in jest & meant to lighten a conversation & give us something that is common ground.  Instead you'll take offense & that's a great defense being offensive or "offended".   That's how we play the victim game isn't it?  oops sorry that would make you manipulative & that would be a judgment.   

Where did I say that it isn't a mom who created these great young men who are the husbands?  And where did I say you didn't respect, &  take care of your in-laws or that anyone else shouldn't do the same?  I believe I'd really said was  

"I've raised sons too and I know it can be difficult to let go, but letting go of our kids is a part of life & a DIL taking over is as natural as you having given birth.  The parents need to back off & let them be a couple period.  If you want to be a part of your sons & DIL's life I suggest trying some "mutual respect" you know that's the kind you have to earn............ "  

You asked what gives me the right to judge & I believe you mean how can I judge you.  You'd commented that you didn't understand how Dr. phil could know anything about being a mother -in-law or being a mother.  I stated very clearly that I do know what it is to be a mother & I've sons too.  I also have brothers & watched my mother let go like a mother is suppose to do!  With that said I have to say I really had to laugh at you asking what gives me the right to judge you when you'd just got done saying that the girls out there are "evil" & have no respect etc. etc. etc.  Do you not see that as judgmental?  You really do not see any of your part in any problem you have with people do you?  Perhaps we're all seeing a bit of what your DIL has to deal with?  You know if a DIL doesn't want to see you & has said it's because you've got a big mouth then perhaps you need to rethink your own behavior.............    and I'm sorry but how can you state all the horrible things you did about young women or "girls" & then go on to say you've respect for all those around you?  If that's your opinion of young women then no you do NOT respect them.  And in the words of Dr. Phil "there's a clue for you" that you want to step back & take a look at your view & think how you'd feel if you were your DIL & you had a mother in law that had the opinion of you that you have for her.   Just like a DIL should respect a MIL because she created the man she loves, a MIL should respect & love this young woman because she's the woman her son picked out & now loves..........   You'd said that I should "pray you are never blessed with this kind of DIL"  this is not a high opinion of the woman & it must be very painful for your son to hear you speak in that manner about the woman he loves & perhaps that's why he doesn't come around!  I can't imagine you liking anyone he'd brough home since you've such a low opinion of women today.   

You'd said that "And if they do not want to see us MAYBE our sons might!"  And I'll say AGAIN you may want totry some "Mutual respect" & perhaps consider her feelings & his as well when you're talking to him?  When a couple becomes a couple they should each come first in each others lives period.  If a wife doesn't want to see mother because she's verbally offensive, mean spirited, spiteful &/or just disrespectful I believe a husband should stay loyal to his wife.............  If my son stays loyal to my future DIL that means I did my job & well.  We don't want moma's boys who can't plan a proposal without his mommy's input.  It's his life's mate he should share & want to share his life & secrets with not him mommy. I know it's difficult but it's  time to untie the apron strings.    

Now again in the words of my mother "we tend to get what we give" & so if you're getting nasty &/or smarty answers then maybe you want to rethink your own posts here & the way you speak & treate your own DIL.    

    It was only a year ago, when I was planning my wedding which happened this past May.  My husband and I had been together for three and a half years when we got engaged.  Both families were thrilled and was so excited to help in any way that they could.  My husband's older brother got married and his wife's mother would not let any of us help with the wedding.  When I got engaged I told my future mother-in-law that anything she wanted to help with was fine with me.  She and I discussed what she and her husband wanted to pay for, which was alot more than I thought it would be.   

   When my maid of honor and mother were planning my bridal shower, my future mother-in-law told both of them that she didn't think it was fair to come to my shower, when she didn't go to her other daughter-in-law's shower.  My heart broke when my mother told me this....Then all the things we had discussed them paying for, they changed their minds because it wouldn't be fair because they didn't pay for anything at my brother-in-law's wedding.  When it came time for the rehearsal dinner, my mother-in-law couldn't get the time off from work, same with my father-in-law (who was our best man), and since they couldn't be there; they were not going to pay for it.  Our dinner was two days before the wedding, which everyone knew about. My mother-in-law had taken the day before our wedding off, and she was planning on cooking dinner.  After my husband and I told her we wanted to go to a resturant.  So my parents and grandparents split the cost of dinner.  I was so upset.  I understand being fair between kids....but don't promise to pay for something, then take it away the week that it's due. 

    The day of the wedding came and things worked themselves out.  I worked really hard  on a wonderful gift the my mother-in-law said that she had always wanted.  And since she was unable to attend the rehearsal dinner, I presented it to her at the reception.  Both my mother-in-law and father-in-law started crying and told me that they had been unfair in trying to be fair.   

   I still disagree with my mother-in-law at times, but sometimes they are trying to do their best in tough situations. 

   Thanks.... 

Well this must be a first marriage for ya all, cuz 2nd time around those things happenin' would be lots of RED FLAGS.  But at least they apologized. 

I've been to lots of weddings growin' up like anyone else and my FAVORITE of all weddings was one in the past 2 years of a couple that had their wedding on their property and had PICNIC FOOD:  barbecued chicken breast on the grill, brats, hamburgers, hotdogs, potato salad, fresh vegetables etc etc cookies and nice cake.  It was all under a food tent and simple covered tables and chairs set up all over the yard with a folk band playin on the deck.  It doesn't have to be too expensive for people to have fun.  Now adays the way marriage last and don't though.... I don't know if a wedding is the best place to soak your money into. 

But again if your inlaws apologized..... They don't sound all that bad...... 

Dear Christine, 

I could hear and see your love for your son.  My heart truly goes out to you.  There maybe something there that you have instict about and it may all turn out that your gut feeling about Carla was right.  I could see a little devious side to her.  I would have loved to have a MIL like you.  To me if you want your future wife and mother to get along, they should get along from the beginning.  I've been married to the same man for 30 years and my MIL and I never got along, not because of me, she never had any motherly instict so how could she even begin to have MIL instinct.  I never had a good realationship with my own mother and was really looking forward to having a very close relationship with my MIL and that didn't happen.  My husband doesn't even have a good relationship with him mom, but I never and I say never stopped my husband from having a realationship with his mom.  And now after 30 years and she has gotten a little feeble guess who has been taking care of her on a part time basis,  your right ME.  I do it not because she get the MIL of the year award but because I love my husband so much and I do it for him and for no one else.  I know it makes him happy that I help take care of her.  So when I had my children they got cheated out of both their grandmothers.  I believe that my relationship with my own mother as well as my MIL, made be a better mother, MIL and grandma.  I love my grandchildren very much, like my own kids.  My DIL and I get along well too.  Dr. Phil, said something along the lines, about in the future you're going to have grandchildren,  don't  take it to heart, something tells me Carla is not going to let you get to close, but I can almost bet her mother will be the center of attention at the wedding, in their life and when the grandchildren come along.  Just make sure you remember birthdays, christmas, valentines and other special occasions.  Because when they get older the grandkids will always remember those little things, and that even if Carla give them the gifts if you don't hand them to them yourself.    The reason I make that statement is because my own two kids say they can never ever receiving the gifts that I give my own grandchildren from their grandmas and their right.  They never received anything for any occasion.  I don't even think either grandmas know their birthdays.  Sad huh.  Their 29 and 25 now, but we still talk about stuff like that.  I want them to be good parents and in laws and grandparents.  Step aside Christine and just be your sons mother for now and nothing else.  You can't beg them for a relationship with Carla, but I think Carla needs to earn a relationship with you.  I think everything you do you do for the love of your son, I do too.  I love my son dearly and if things were the way they are with you and Carla, I would step aside for awhile.  I know it would hurt on a daily basis, but you have to be the strong one and wheather out the storm to see what becomes of it.