Quote From: auburnjennThanks - I have heard of this book in the past week actually, and am interested in getting it. I have read "Proper Care and Feeding of Husbands" - is this like that (if you've read that)?
We have just been through some crazy times for newlyweds. He got transferred across the country; we get there and he then travels for work non-stop and I am left alone for weeks at a time in a strange state. Three months into it, he gets laid off. We used all our savings to move back "home" and have been unable to find decent jobs since then. It truly has just been one thing after another - NOTHING like I thought it would be! Thanks for the reply - I appreciate it -
auburnjenn you have been through a lot for a newly wed couple. It's said that the first year is the most difficult & really the first 5 years are the most likely for a marriage to fail. What happens right now in your marriage will set the tone for your marriage in the future. I'm not sure what you'd thought when you got married & I do believe that being alone for a long period of time is a hardship on a set of newlyweds. With that sai I want you to think about what you're saying. You'd said in another post something to the effect that it would all be easier if you'd split. Well you wouldn't have to deal with the lost of jobs & the problems with money but then you wouldn't be with your husband. Stop & think of not just the problems going away but not being with him any more. This isn't really what you want is it?
You see for me & my husband it doesn't matter what happens outside of us fame & fortune or broke & just getting by as long as we've got each other it's all ok. The rest of anything that comes to us is icing on the cake. For us to start with just "us" is a good place because we are grateful to have each other & that makes us each feel valued & loved.
When I say we have us this is not to say we're attached at the hip 24/7 or that we do not argue. But you see prior to marriage & at the start where you are in your marriage is were we come to learn exactly what it is we have in our marriage (trust, respect & how we can depend on each other). Life can be great and sometimes it can stink. Sometimes I need to lean on hubby & then sometimes I have to be ok without him. Again I think at the start of a marriage it's a hardship that you had to spend so much time apart but crap happens & we do have to do what we have to with work, family etc. The glory in a relationship that is futioning & that is secure is that when life is really sumping on you & the world is going to hell in a hand basket you know that at the end of the day it's still "us" & you're not alone & that's really even if you're miles apart. If we're on different coasts we're still "us" & in this life we share together.
I'm not sure if any of this makes any sense to you. But I will say that Dr. Phil had tried to impress this on 1 of the couples today. For me & my husband what works is that we're each others best friend & lovers. He is the one I go to with a problem & I look for him to tell me his &/or we're just sharing it all. If he & I were arguing & we're just getting upset & not getting anywhere I would just call a truce. It makes no sense to continue because you're just becoming advisaries& that makes him the "enemy" & that's not what you wanted to marry right? It's amazing how if you call the truce & just say "Hey I love you & I don't want to fight. Rather than fight lets try to work on this together as a team & figure out a compromise." If you can become & impress on him to become each other's confidant & friend the idea of not being together you'll no longer see as being "easier". There isn't anything that comes at us that we're not really facing together & that's security. And if you feel that you're far away from this approach then the answer is to approach him & give him the new game plan you'd heard & start sharing with him. tell him what your fears are & how you want to create a closer relationship.
I've been married for 23 yrs. and we've had some pretty difficult times together as far as personal growth, finances, family deaths, physical health & the list goes on & on. We both know that the other always has our back . If we disagree on somethin & we're arguing over it I know with certainty that this man is going to just turn & walk. That's because it just means we don't agree it doesn't mean we don't love each other etc. we just haven't found our common ground. We both know in time we will & we're both willing to compromise & again no one is just gonna walk out etc. It's like Dr. Phil said You can be right & be divorced or you can relax a bit & know that you don't have to make the other say "You're right" all the time. And yes to a degree we are co-dependents now because we've had each other to relize on for so long emotionally the idea of experiencing life alone is a bit scary. As someone else said I can't imagine my life without my husband. Us spliting would not make any thing easier it would just hurt an awful lot & we would have lost it ALL if we lost each other. If all we have is "us" then that's ok & a great place to start.
(Original Airdate: 09/26/05) One in 12 couples call it quits within 24 months of tying the knot. Dr. Phil's guests haven't even been married a year, and they already want to pull off their wedding bands and end their marriage! Did they know each other well enough before they said "I do"? Shamika says she wants to be treated like a southern belle, but her husband, Marlon, says she needs to get off her pedestal. Is Shamika asking too much? Plus, Miranda and Donny say the honeymoon was over before their suitcases were unpacked. So why is Miranda desperate to get pregnant, and should they have gotten married in the first place? Tune in for what you need to consider before making a lifetime commitment. Share your thoughts here.
