Hi, I am a newlywed of one year, we have been together a total of 9 years and living together for 5 years, 3 of which we have owned our own home. We have two dogs, no children yet…we have been fighting a lot lately and this is just ONE of our sore subjects. Mostly it boils down to being a teamplayer and working together in life....
Today was another tough day. I’m not sure why I decided to conquer this tonight but I did and I went with it. I came home today after taking Ebony to the vet for the second time in less than a week! Last night I had to go buy dog food and laundry detergent while poor Ebony was in her crate with her e-collar on, she looked so sad in the crate, sad and uncomfortable. All the while…my husband was off at his Monday-night bowling league. Anyways, tonight I decided I didn’t feel like taking on the responsibility of dinner. Whether that be cooking or fetching. I am always the one who makes the decisions around here. My husband doesn’t know how to cook anything, so he says. So, I guess the conversation started at 6 p.m. tonight and ended with a fight by 8 p.m….
I sat down with him and explained that I wanted him to take care of dinner, not necessarily cook dinner but make the decision. Again, not asking him to do this all the time but just once in a while to let me know he can do it and maybe it would help him to appreciate me more. His first response was, “I will make you a frozen pizza and I’ll eat chips and dip” That really wasn’t the result I was looking for. I wanted him to take on the responsibility of creating a meal for “the family” which consists of him and I right now. I told him I want us to work together as a team. I want to know that if I walk through that door one night and the kids are hungry that he is fully capable of making the decision about dinner. I want to know I can count on him to not feed our children McDonald’s or “chips and dip” all the time. I offered my help to him and he got irritated but would not admit it. He went and took a shower. He came back fully expecting me to give in and take over for him. I stood my ground. We talked further about it, well I did…hoping he would weigh in and give me his opinion. He complained he didn’t feel like going anywhere which was the way I felt…it was good for him to get a taste of how I feel when I come home from work and have to worry about what’s for dinner. He felt it was unreasonable for me to request that he do something he had never done before…..(man, if I said this to every boss I have ever had, I would never have gotten anywhere in business!)
Even though prior to us co-habiting and pre-marriage I knew this was what came with the package, I vowed one day I would help him grow into adulthood so he could set a good example for our children. It is not fair to me that I have to live up to a standard invoked by his mother since birth. She had dinner waiting for him every day he came home from work. She only made things he would eat, sometimes he would phone in his request to her for what he wanted for dinner that night. I do not work this way. I was not raised this way. My mother cooked and she was a very good cook. But if she was making something you didn’t care for, you either ate it or you made your own dinner, or the least favorite choice….you didn’t eat at all. I was raised to not complain. Maybe since he knows that when he complains people would do what he asked and things would be “his” way…who knows. I want my husband to know that when you have a family it is a responsibility and the end result can’t be we all just don’t eat tonight because “I don’t feel like making anything”. The end result MUST BE we will eat I just have to decide what. So, after many words exchanged….all calmly on my part, even though his body language was negative and his responses were negative and mean, I conceded defeat and walked away….I didn’t want to beat myself up against the wall anymore. I was done….
I guess he didn’t like that I got up and walked away. I was so frustrated at this point. He came out and I handed him his vehicle tag renewal forms and told him to do it himself (something he has never done for himself). He took it and acted like he was going to rip it in half and he almost did….but something stopped him…not sure what.
I said something that crosses my mind often when dealing with his immature approach to life survival, “I am sick of being the teacher in the romper room!”
He decided he was going to make dinner at that point. Brats are better than nothing (again, something he has never done). But after a few tears on my part and a few angry words later, he cooked them. I decided I would show good sportsmanship and I brought noodles into the kitchen to make as a side dish. We didn’t talk all through dinner.
In the end, he accomplished, on his own terms, dinner. Even though it was a painful and difficult journey, I am glad I did it. I asked if he would be on board to do this at least once a month. This would give him the learning experience he so desperately needs to survive in life (without a female). I told him we could cook together. We could cook something simple, like tacos or spaghetti, or maybe even some hamburgers….nothing too advanced of course! He said he was on board. I guess that’s all I could have hoped for.
I guess I feel better knowing he finally gave in to me. I really do feel that a man of 35 years should know how to cook a meal for his family. Nothing too hard, but a well balanced meal. Should he ever be called on to pitch in or fill in for his wife. Trying to teach teamwork to a single player is hard!
Anyone have any thoughts on splitting household duties and frustrated because your husband is not a teamplayer???
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