Topic : 12/23 "Get a Backbone!"

I'm really glad Dr. Phil is doing a show on this topic. I sometimes have a problem "finding" my spine. My heart really aches for Beth's problems with her father.  

  

My father never took me out of school or kept me in the basement. But he was very, very controlling. He never hit us, but he could yell and get mad. I would do anything to avoid having him get mad. I find myself doing that in my adult life with others. It causes me to avoid confrontation at any cost, like Beth. My father, who I do love very much, died a few years ago. Everybody who knew him misses him very much, including me. But they don't know he could be really mean when he wanted.  

  

I do try to avoid confrontation with my husband, which makes me mad at myself. At times, I get frustrated with him about something and I will swallow it to avoid confronting him. I have to force myself to remember he's NOT my father and he's not going to yell if I calmly talk to him about my concerns. He's always been great when we talk things out. But memories can really control you at times, causing you to doubt your own value and hold onto old habits. 

  

Beth, I do hope you learn to believe in yourself. You triumphed over your past and you deserve respect. You go, girl! 

Beth - You are amazing! To have gone through the hardships you faced as a child and become a successful business owner is a HUGE accomplishment. You have every reason to be proud of yourself - take the credit!

When Amanda first was on stage with Dr Phil and her mother, she was hunched over, as if trying to protect herself or hide from her mother.  While interacting with Dr Phil, she became less hunched over, though not completely at the show's end. It was sitting with her husband that she was sitting normally. She never looked directly at her mother, it was speaking sideways, as if still afraid to speak to her mother.  Granted being on stage can make a person feel uncomfortable [an understatement for some], Amanda will need more than just today. Her mother was very stern, very forceful, and I'm not sure if she was as open as she tried to appear. There seemed to be more going on than was being presented.  I sincerely hope that Amanda enters counseling with her husband and her mother. It is not a one stop deal. There seems, to me, to be a root in childhood, that she needs to work out with a therapist/counselor and her mother.

I feel the same way that amanda feels.  I am 31 years old, you can say that I was engaged to be married, but I have called the wedding off for right now.  But anyway, I feel the same way as Amanda does because my mother also does not like the guy that I am with or being his friend.  We have been talking for the past 12 years, and my mother says things to me or about him and think that it is fine for her to say those bad things about him and me.  She has not like him from day one.  He is not a bad person, but he has mess up on me and I have taken him back a couple of times, but my mother keep on saying things like he is snowing you, he is no good for you, he is cheating on you.  Yes she has broke us up before and the heavely gates opened up in her eyes.  But they did not in my eyes, so we got back together and started out as friends and it went from there.  But anyway, I feel like that if I get back with him again she is not going to be happy for me.  My sister just recently got married last month, and she went all out for her.  I feel like she will not approve what I am going to do with him if i get back with him.  I also need a backbone too to stand up to my mother.

Dear Beth, 

  

I am very proud of you and wish you lots of luck in your life.  I also come from a family that did not stress education.  We were told to finish high school.  My mom had me in the 60's at the age of 15.  We grew up not knowing anything about college.  I am happy for you and wish you many blessings and lots of love.  Just imagine what you will be able to accomplish with an education.  Hold your head up and keep moving ahead. 

Hi 

  

First I would like to say way to go to Beth.  I think she is on her way to being the person she has always wanted to be.  I am often told that I need a backbone.  As a matter of fact I had an issue just yesterday that solidified that statement.   

  

My backbone issues go back to when I was a senior.  My parents would not let me fill out a college application.  They said I was not smart enough to get in.  I was told by a guidance conselor that I should sneek it.  I tried that and I got caught.  I ended up joining the air force.  I met my husband a few short months after I joined.  We got pregnant before we were married.  I called my mom to tell her and she said there were other options than marrige.  I got married anyway and we are still married happily today.  Well I didn't talk to my mother again till my daughter was about three months old.  To this day my mother still has a problem with my husband and my children.  My mother was raised around all girls.  When we go to my mother's with my son she goes crazy.  She says he is out of control and that some day he is going to kill me.  She says he is going to turn out like one of the teens we here about that turns a gun on their parents.  I have come a long way since leaving home 11 years ago.  I have started to attend college and have been on the deans list for both quarters I have attended so far.  But I still need to get a back bone.  I am working at McDonalds to try to pay for college but I let the managers walk all over me.  I go in early and I stay late and I do not get the breaks that they are required to give.  I just don't have the nerve to stand up and say give me my breaks or I leave.  Yesterday I worked 8 and a half hours and got one 15 minute break.  By the time I left I felt so depressed.  I have come so far in some ways and haven't progressed any in others.  Let me know how you others are doing it. 

  

shyfox2000 

First of all, I think Beth is soemone to be admired. It seems to take little more than money in some cases to get a degree now, but it takes intelligence, hard work, and determination for someone in Beth's situation to get to where she is. If you are rading this, Beth, I want you to know I think you are amazingly strong (now get that backbone, girl!) and do not even see that. 

  

As for UoP giving her a scholarship, I think that only reiterates the idea taht degrees hold less value than they did 10 years ago. I worked hard to earn mine, and I was a HS graduate, in honors classes, had a 2 yr degree behind me....there was a lot of reading, writing, and research involved in earning that degree. Now I am not meaning to say that Beth is not smart enough to get a degree! But if she has a first grade education (although based upon what she has accomplished, I think experience puts her at a higher level), why not test her and set up a private tutor or soemthing - start w/ a GED or HS diploma, then college. I am concerned she is either going to be overwhelmed by it all (the expectancy, format, curriculum she missed in school) or be given a degree w/o really earning it, which is a diservice to everyojne involved. It seems education does not hold the value and honor it once did. Beth was courteous and thankful for the award, but she could have been given something more realistic and practical for her life right now. Sorry, Dr. Phil, but I have to give you a thumbs down on this one. 

I have yet to see the show yet, however as I read through Amanda's story I thought that her husband should be horribly offended that she would take off her wedding ring out of shame. No wonder you all have issues in your marriage. Her mom is what she is, controling, manipulative and from what it sounds like down right mean. That does not mean that Amanda has the right to let her mother interfere in the marriage.  

  

If my husband were to take of his ring because he was afraid for his mom to see it I would be horrified. He would need to leave it off because the marriage would be over. I can't believe Amanda's husband tolerates this kind of behaviour.  

I am not a Dr. Phil junkie like my husband, who must stop everything to watch your show.  By some act of faith I was working on the computer and could hear what was going on today.  Some point while you were talking to Amanda and her mother you said something that struck me like lightening.  I won't try to quote, but the gist was her mother could not make her to do what she thought was right and that she should say well you have chosen this and even though I don't go along with it I will support you in your decision. 

  

Well, I thought about what was said for a while then picked up the phone and called my youngest daughter and told her although I didn't really like the fact she chose a profession I didn't agree with, that I would support her in her decision and she could count on me.   

  

Her reply was,  "Thanks Mom, that means more to me than you know, I think I'm gonna cry". 

  

  

  

  

Beth. Way to go. I knew that you can stand up for yourself and not depended on Brenda to help you. My E-Mail address is: RBV43@Juno.Com in case yo want to E-Mail me aletter.  Good luck and rem- 

ember stand up for yourself. (R is for Russell. B is for Barrie and V is for Vlaanderen.) Well I had be 

tter close now. Russell Vlaanderen.-------------------------------------------------------------------------------------