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Topic : 12/23 "Get a Backbone!"

Number of Replies: 137
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Created on : Friday, September 23, 2005, 04:48:51 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 09/30/05) If you're the type who gets bullied by your boss, stepped on by your co-workers or manipulated by your mother, Dr. Phil shows you how to stand up for yourself! Beth owns a beauty salon, but says she'd rather hide in her office than confront her disrespectful employees. Find out the deep, dark childhood secret that's affecting her ability to take control of her life and her business. Plus, Amanda was so intimidated by her own mother, she kept her wedding a secret! What does Amanda have to do to bridge the gap and reconnect with her mom? Share your own advice and talk about the show here.

 

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September 30, 2005, 2:35 pm CDT

I can relate to you

 My last employer didn't really step all over me but he was rude. I remember this one time he yelled at me with much frustration and stormed into his office. I held back the tears, he came out and apologized and I accepted. I guess in situations like that I don't/can't react with words to defend myself. I always do " I should have said/done this" I can never think of  a comeback or a something back to say. I guess I'm afraid of getting fired/losing a friend or not being liked. I really do need a backbone now that I'm a mother I need to stick up for myself and if and when my son needs me and show him to defend himself  and give him a  good backbone.
 
September 30, 2005, 2:38 pm CDT

09/30 "Get a Backbone!"

Quote From: tonigirl

Dear Beth and Dr. Phil,

  

 

How much I needed this show. Unlike Beth, I did go to school, but as a very overweight child. The teasing and taunting is still burned in my memory, and I'm still overweight at the age of 52. I was continually told by teachers that I was a daydreamer and I had the potential to do better, but in reality no matter how hard I studied, was unable to remember and did poorly in school. 

  

 

 

Even as an adult, my memory stinks.  I was fired this past July being told that I "worked too slow".  When Joan was promoted to my boss, the first thing she told me was that she was a perfectionist and liked being in control. When she asked me to be in charge of my department, she got angry when I discussed things with the girls in my department and reprimanded me in front of them.  However, when I stood up for myself and told her I was only doing what she asked me to do, I feel this was why I was fired. Now I am so scared of having to look for a new job. All I feel is that I'm not good enough, like Beth, and don't see the accomplishments in my adult life, like Beth.  So, Dr. Phil, I did stand up for myself and it got me fired....where does one go from there?? I have lost any self-confidence I had.  How does one apply for a job, stating on their resume' that they were terminated from their last job? Days are filled with nothing but tears and self loath.

  

 

 

Please continue the good work you are doing Dr. Phil and Beth.....there is a light at the end of the tunnel.  I only wish I had the courage to start my own business.  At my age and weight…jobs are few and far between.  God Bless you Beth, you are an encouragement. Thank you Dr. Phil, you are a God sent.

  

 

Friendless in PA

  

 

Dear Friendless, 

  

You are not alone and you should never allow yourself to put yourself down.  I was once in your shoes and I understand.  My problem was I applied for a supervisor position because I had been doing the job along with my own job for approximately 4 months.  When it was time for the interviews I got the interview, however I did not get the job.  My employer thought it was more appropriate to hire someone who knew nothing about the position or its requirements, however when the new supervisor took over she immediately always ran to me with questions.  I started to resent my employer and it got to the point that I was burning out and fast.  Then it got so bad that the head director would criticize you in front of fellow employees or customers so to speak and had no remorse that she was belittling you in front of others.  This only hurt my self-esteem.  My direct supervisor was even being belittled by the head director so when she was getting the heat she would in turn take it out on us which only made her no better than the head boss. 

  

The good news is I no longer work for this organization as I realized that the abuse I was receiving at work was a form of emotional and verbal abuse.  The major problem was when I would come home from such a stressful day I would take it out on my children and husband which was not fair to them.   

  

So how does one move on from here?  You go out and put your application and resume' out there and you do not use anyone from your previous employer as a reference, but use people from other jobs that you may have obtained.  I used no one from my past employer unless they were no longer employed with the company I was wanting to leave because I knew in my heart that they would give me a bad reference as I was their little scapegoat to get the job done and done right. 

  

After I got the position within another organization I learned which one of my references they had called and the organization called everyone that was no longer employed with the company I was wanting to leave.  As far as what you put on your application:  Conflict of Interest.  This way you can explain yourself when you get the interview in person. 

  

I wish you all the best of luck friendless and it does not matter about your weight, or how slow you may think you are it is all about your personality and how you feel about yourself.  I was once told you have love yourself before you can love anyone else or succeed at anything.  Remember the little train the could. 

  

Survivor68 

 
September 30, 2005, 2:45 pm CDT

Your brother sounds like my husband

Quote From: aoknow

Wow this is a topic worth discussing more then once.  Especially when the problem is with familty members.  I grew up with a very controlling father and altough I always knew that he loved me I felt that if I didn't do things his way he stopped loving me.   As an adult I soon dealt with this and found a way to make the relationship work...it's always easier with a parent because they do love you differently then a sibling does.    My problem is with my older brother who tries to control everything around him including his siblings.  I worked with him in a family business for 15 years and finally figured out that I was not going to ever be able to have a healthy relationship with him.  I gave up my career and my future with this company that I had worked so hard and put everything into.  I can honestly say now I am free from his torture except for when we have to have family functions.  I usually do not go and I know this hurts my parents but I don't know any other way.  Part of me thinks that if I had more skills to deal with this situation I wouldn't be so afraid to be in the same room with him and his wife.  I just don't want them to know about me or my personal life because they will find a way to use it against me.  Is this wrong?  They have been so crew to so many and continue to get away with it.  The rest of my sibllings feel the same way as me so they just avoid them or don't say anything.  

So my life continues on (very happily) without them in my life and I am ok with it....but is this the right thing to do....am I punishing my parents???  Because they had something to do with my brother being the way he is too....should they be taking any responsiblity in this????? 

Some of the things you say remind me of the man i wake up to every morning and sometimes I think "why am I with him?"  He was very controlling over his siblings when he was younger and he also was the oldest. He was like their father wanted to control everything of them, but he doesn't control them anymore. But I feel like the way he was with his siblings was because of his past he had much abuse and was thought of unworthy. I'm not much help but reading that made me think WOW that sounds familiar. You know his other siblings don't stop seeing their parents cuz of him, He is the one that doesn't go over to the house. And i know it hurts his parents when he doesn't go over.
 
September 30, 2005, 2:50 pm CDT

09/30 "Get a Backbone!"

Quote From: chriscloen

Sorry Dr. Phil, you missed a big point on this one.  Why is daughter content to take Mom's money, and go running to her every time she doesn't get her own way, but not Mom's advise? 

  

Why didn't you take this husband to task for supposedly throwing family out of the home? Why is it OK for Mom to pay the bills, and then when hubby moves back in, they keep it a secret, maybe because they don't want to stop the money train?  

  

Why is husband there and the bills still aren't getting paid? Maybe if husband had been a man, and taken care of his family, mother-in-law, would have seen by now she was wrong. At 28 it is past time to start playing the adult, and NOT got back to Mommy, because she and her husband can't make their lives work. It is time to stop making excuses for the past, and except responsibility for their actions.....and then they won't have to worry about what Mom says. 

I am really sorry you got the wrong impression from the show.  My mom helped me in the begining when my husband wasnt there.  The ONE bill that didnt get paid was while I was getting NO HELP FROM ANYONE.  He didnt like being a "secret.  I tried talking to my mom like I thought mother and daughters do.  I would call her and "vent" about my problems just as she had to me. 

  

Thank you Dr. Phil and staff for helping me bring to the surface all the stuff I needed to face.   

 
September 30, 2005, 3:02 pm CDT

Amanda, I know what you're feeling!

Hi Amanda, 

  

Watching you with your mother was so painful for me today, because it reminded me so much of how controlling my mother could be. I have been where you are now with your mother, as you say close and talking everyday, but how close of a relationship is it when you have to hide things.  

My mother and I were close as long as I followed her rules and did what she wanted and expected of me, and I did that for years.  But what finally broke me was when I planned on moving from Virginia to Texas to be with my husband and she didn't like that so she teamed up with my Ex in court to take my children from me so I couldn't leave. Well the day she testified in court and said that she thought my Ex was a better parent (even though she knew about the abuse that had happened  and I have been certified in child care for 14 years).  When she did that to me and my family, my mother died. I knew then that nothing was ever gonna be good enough unless I backed down and did exactly what she wanted. And then as Dr. Phil said I would have been a "prisoner" and what kind of life would that be.   

I hope you can find the courage and strength to stand up for yourself before it gets as bad as it did for me because once you reach that point, there is no turning back.  For you right now though, I think you can stand up for yourself and your family and still salvage some relationship with your Mom. And I know you wouldn't have gone on Dr. Phil if you didn't want to save your relationship. 

  

My Best Wishes to You and your Family, 

Cathy 

 
September 30, 2005, 3:16 pm CDT

I understand what you mean.

 My husband and I have been married for 8 years.  My mom and dad do not like my husband he has always worked and tried to bring money into the house.  But then 6 years ago we had a special needs child, it has been alot of work and time to take care of our son. And my husband and I chose to let him stay home and I work since I have been to college and my husband has not , and I am not using that as an excuse for him, because the jobs are very few and between around here.  Not to mention we can not find anyone to watch our son.  This is completly unacceptable to my parents, we do not ask for money all of our bills get paid ahead of time.  And the stress that has been put on our marriage and on me has started to effect my health.  I have told my parents that if they cannot accept the way things are, then to leave us alone. But they won't , they won;t leave me or us alone until he is gone . And then I do not beleave the problems will be gone.  They do not even spend any time with their only grandson.  The only thing I know to do is possibly to get the police invloved.  If anyone understands, or has any ideas let me know.
 
September 30, 2005, 3:16 pm CDT

Been there!

I was such a wimp that I married my ex-husband merely because he was my best friend's brother. I was afraid to upset her even though I knew we weren't right for each other. 

  

I always seem to find myself in abusive relationships. I thought my last relationship would have been better because my boyfriend was a social worker... but when he started drinking and refused to stop I couldn't take it anymore. He's out of my life and I am very happy being single. I've finally realized that I don't need a man in my life to be happy. 

  

I love the Dr Phil show. I can always relate to the topics he talks about. From Mama's boys, inlaw problems, abusive relationships to not having a backbone...I feel like Dr Phil really cares about his guests and I admire his brutal honesty and how he tells us all things we need to hear. 

  

It feels like he talks to us personally. 

  

Thanks Dr Phil. You're the coolest! 

Sylvia 

 
September 30, 2005, 3:41 pm CDT

I have taken a stand!!

Quote From: sylvia103

I was such a wimp that I married my ex-husband merely because he was my best friend's brother. I was afraid to upset her even though I knew we weren't right for each other. 

  

I always seem to find myself in abusive relationships. I thought my last relationship would have been better because my boyfriend was a social worker... but when he started drinking and refused to stop I couldn't take it anymore. He's out of my life and I am very happy being single. I've finally realized that I don't need a man in my life to be happy. 

  

I love the Dr Phil show. I can always relate to the topics he talks about. From Mama's boys, inlaw problems, abusive relationships to not having a backbone...I feel like Dr Phil really cares about his guests and I admire his brutal honesty and how he tells us all things we need to hear. 

  

It feels like he talks to us personally. 

  

Thanks Dr Phil. You're the coolest! 

Sylvia 

Dear Dr Phil, 

I would like to thank you for your show on "getting a backbone"! I recently took a stand with my family and decided that I wouldn't be walked on anymore. My parents have always been controlling and felt that they had to think for me, because I couldn't do it on my own. When I was 26, I became engaged, and my fiance at the time asked my parents for help in proposing. Everything was going great, until it came to the wedding. My parents wanted to control who came, where the event took place, etc. My fiance and I paid for everything.  

When my now husband was relocated to another town, my parents resented that I was the first one to move away and they felt that I would be unhappy in the new town. As far as they were concerned, I was only financially stable and happy because of him. 

I fell ill in June, 05 and my husband and I made the decisions for my medical care. My mother wanted for me to seek a 2nd opinion since she felt that I couldn't (nor my husband) make the right decisions. She scheduled an appointment for me at a doctor near her, and she decided she would go to the doctor's appointment with us!!! I was appalled by the decision. 

It was that week that i decided that my family was not going to intrude on me and make decisions for me. I had a heart to heart talk with my mom, and explained to her that I was 28 years old, and it is time that she let me fly on my own. I am married now, and my husband and I have a life down here in our new town. I told her that I still love and respect her opinion (she is a nurse), but I was an adult now and felt that I needed to make my own decisions.  

That was the best conversations I have ever had with my Mom. I realized that day that I was empowered to make decisions on my own, and she supports me now. It is amazing.  

Thank you Dr. Phil for helping others like me who are/were afraid to take a stand. 

Sincerely, 

Standing Up in the Midwest  

 
September 30, 2005, 3:54 pm CDT

I agree with Dr. Phil

 I have read through some of the comments here on the message board and I have to say that although this could have gone way more in depth with the issue with Amanda and her mom, Dr. Phil was right.  I have been married for eight years and I have two and a half kids.  When I make a decision in my life, or when my husband and I make a decision in our lives, and she doesn't agree with it, she throws a fitr and stops talking to me.  What she hopes to accomplish is beyond me but for years it held me hostage and I could never feel like I was truly an adult. 
I watched my mother for years take and take from her parents and her in-laws, which is why I refuse to ever go to my parents or my in-laws for help financially but I don't think that Amanda going to her mother for help was completely wrong.  I will say this though, I cold tell that Amanda felt completely  victimized and with her mother sitting right beside her she felt powerless.  I could also tell that her mother was twisting the truth around to avoid being made to appear the evil one.  Amanda's mother has bullied her to the point that she doesn't know how to articulate her feelings and how to articulate the truth where her mother is concerened. I know because my mother does the same thing to me.  I know when she is lying or trying to cover her tracks, but I feel powerless to confront her.  Honestly sometimes it is easier to just let her win that to fight her, because she will never relent.  All I can do is focus on my family and live my life taking responsibility for myself and my decisions.  My mother cannot dictate to me what I do or how I live my life.  Amanda, stand by your convictions and if your mother doesn't like them then  let her know that you need to take care of you.  When she is ready to respect you as an adult then she can come to you.  I had to, and it can be hard, but I acn't be held hostage anymore.
 
September 30, 2005, 4:00 pm CDT

Your child is the most important...

Quote From: angelas

 My husband and I have been married for 8 years.  My mom and dad do not like my husband he has always worked and tried to bring money into the house.  But then 6 years ago we had a special needs child, it has been alot of work and time to take care of our son. And my husband and I chose to let him stay home and I work since I have been to college and my husband has not , and I am not using that as an excuse for him, because the jobs are very few and between around here.  Not to mention we can not find anyone to watch our son.  This is completly unacceptable to my parents, we do not ask for money all of our bills get paid ahead of time.  And the stress that has been put on our marriage and on me has started to effect my health.  I have told my parents that if they cannot accept the way things are, then to leave us alone. But they won't , they won;t leave me or us alone until he is gone . And then I do not beleave the problems will be gone.  They do not even spend any time with their only grandson.  The only thing I know to do is possibly to get the police invloved.  If anyone understands, or has any ideas let me know.
 Hi,
   I just want to applaud you for your decision.  If your husband is man enough to stay at home and put the care of your child first then stand by that decision and feel pride for doing hat is best for your son.  If you are able to stand on your won two feet and not have to ask for financial help then your parents have no say in the day to day operation of your household.  Your husband sounds like a wonderful man and an excellent provider, and it takes more than just a job to be an excellent provider for your family.  I applaud you and good luck in the future!
 
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