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Topic : 12/23 "Get a Backbone!"

Number of Replies: 137
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Created on : Friday, September 23, 2005, 04:48:51 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 09/30/05) If you're the type who gets bullied by your boss, stepped on by your co-workers or manipulated by your mother, Dr. Phil shows you how to stand up for yourself! Beth owns a beauty salon, but says she'd rather hide in her office than confront her disrespectful employees. Find out the deep, dark childhood secret that's affecting her ability to take control of her life and her business. Plus, Amanda was so intimidated by her own mother, she kept her wedding a secret! What does Amanda have to do to bridge the gap and reconnect with her mom? Share your own advice and talk about the show here.

 

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September 30, 2005, 6:30 pm CDT

09/30 "Get a Backbone!"

Quote From: actsmom

Amanda, 

I thought some of the same things that "chris.." said.  And one day maybe you'll understand there are just some things Moms don't wanna know.  If you call her and "vent" every time you have a little spat with your husband, can you expect her to welcome him with open arms?  And why wasn't he supporting you and/or your children while you were separated?  It really should not have been up to your mom.  I'm not saying your mom is 100% right, but you and your husband need to be independent from your parent.  Maybe your mom would be a little more accepting of your husband (and a little less angry about the situation) if he and you managed your own problems - marital and financial - without leaning on her.  Let her be Grandma for a change!   

  

And, think about calling her one of these days just to see how she is and to say "hi" without wanting something from her or telling her some more bad news.   Those calls can make a big difference in her life too! 

  

....I'm a mom of 4, so I kinda see it from your mom's point of view.  And if she's doing that to you, then make a deal with her that unless it's something serious, you won't exchange bad-husband notes with each other. 

I did do this.   We used to talk all the time as long as I did what she wanted.  Since the show we dont talk but maybe 1 time a week, if that.   

  

Besides that she was not "welcoming him with open arms " day one.  She said that on the show. 

  

  

 
September 30, 2005, 7:32 pm CDT

backbone or lack thereof.....

I can really relate to this show! After what Dr. Phil said, I feel I must do something about my need to please others. I am so tired of always being afraid to disagree. It is time I trust my opinions! I am 34, I think it is time.  

 
September 30, 2005, 8:32 pm CDT

Can relate to this person

I know how she can feel, as I was rased by my Mother I was put down all the time.     As of today I have a very hard time standing up to anyone.     I feel like a failer all the time.    I don't stand up to my wife when I think she is wrong and this has gotten into even more trouble.     But  when you are put down for so long you don't know how to look up or to even stand up for your self.      

 
September 30, 2005, 8:59 pm CDT

To the lady who owns the salon

You should be proud of yourself.  You have accomplished so much with so little.  You've done more than a lot of us who have gotten advanced education.  Please be proud. 
 
September 30, 2005, 9:16 pm CDT

I can relate

I am an extremely shy person, so it usually takes me a while to warm up to people, and at one time, I had no back bone, and allowed people to walk all over me. I was tired of being passive, and being taken advantage of, and now I am a lot more comfortable standind up for myself, and stating my opinion. I can relate to the people that were on the show today, and I'm glad that they're taking the first step towards fixing this problem. I wish everyone the best of luck, who suffers from this...
 
September 30, 2005, 9:17 pm CDT

Inlaws

Quote From: eeno1123

I am an easy going person who gets along with most everybody.  My inlaws  to be however like to drive me crazy.  Everytime I try to stick up for myself they gang up on me and my fiance just shrugs and says 'that's just the way they are'  or 'they didn't mean anything by it'  OR my favorite 'Stop being sooo sensitive.'    

   What am I to do? 

I found when my in-laws started their "normal" control habits and my husbands reply to the situation remaind "that's just how they are", I would seeth inside...for weeks. 

Now I started writing "letters", after I put the kids to bed and finish the chores I'll sit at the computer and compose a letter not withstanding any of my true feelings and also including the diaolgue I'd like to say to them.  The next morning, if I have time, I re-read the letter, not only do I sleep better by "getting it off my chest and on paper" I feel like I've kept my power and not let my in-laws "into my marriage".  There is a book called the "Artists Way" and it talks about "morning pages" , basically you write out your feelings every morning to help cleanse your emotional baggage and start fresh each day. A form of learning to let go on your terms, not your husbands, and not your in-laws or other family or friends terms.  

You keep "yourself" and you "validate" yourself, you'll find after awhile you'll find their anticts amusing and realize how insecure and scared they really are of you, after all your now going to be the number one woman in your "husband to be" life not his mother, and that never seems to go over very well when the "other woman"  is you in his mothers eyes! yikes lets hope we don't do this to our children and learn from others repression. 

Remember who you are and give yourself the self respect you deserve, you are not being too sensitive, just try and shut down the buttons they have found on you and soon they will realize that your not playing into their childish school yard behaviour. You are the better person for it and you'll feel better once you shut down their games. Be strong and excersise your self-respect, the rest will fall into place.   

Cause and Effect...If you stop rolling the ball back to them they will have no one to play with and will move on....:-)  

 
September 30, 2005, 9:27 pm CDT

Wonderful for you

Miss, 

You have worked so hard to get were you are now, please be proud of yourself. 

Your an amazing powerful, lovely devine woman, stand up to your mirror and smile to yourself, you've done something so positive for yourself...carry on and your new strength will become apart of you naturely.  You've given yourself a second chance when you seeked help, celebrate your new self respect, you've set an amazing life changing experience in motion. 

Good Luck 

 
September 30, 2005, 9:28 pm CDT

Think twice before marrying

Quote From: eeno1123

I am an easy going person who gets along with most everybody.  My inlaws  to be however like to drive me crazy.  Everytime I try to stick up for myself they gang up on me and my fiance just shrugs and says 'that's just the way they are'  or 'they didn't mean anything by it'  OR my favorite 'Stop being sooo sensitive.'    

   What am I to do? 

How old are you? I would really have a heart to heart with your fiance about how you feel. He should support you and tell  his family to stop being rude. What do they say to you? When they say something to you that hurts you, can you not say, calmly, "Are you trying to hurt me?" See what they say. I'd tell them you would appreciate it if they did not say those things. Sometimes people just have to be put in their place once and they get it. Good luck!!
 
September 30, 2005, 9:30 pm CDT

09/30 "Get a Backbone!"

Quote From: usmcwyfe

First of all, I think Beth is soemone to be admired. It seems to take little more than money in some cases to get a degree now, but it takes intelligence, hard work, and determination for someone in Beth's situation to get to where she is. If you are rading this, Beth, I want you to know I think you are amazingly strong (now get that backbone, girl!) and do not even see that. 

  

As for UoP giving her a scholarship, I think that only reiterates the idea taht degrees hold less value than they did 10 years ago. I worked hard to earn mine, and I was a HS graduate, in honors classes, had a 2 yr degree behind me....there was a lot of reading, writing, and research involved in earning that degree. Now I am not meaning to say that Beth is not smart enough to get a degree! But if she has a first grade education (although based upon what she has accomplished, I think experience puts her at a higher level), why not test her and set up a private tutor or soemthing - start w/ a GED or HS diploma, then college. I am concerned she is either going to be overwhelmed by it all (the expectancy, format, curriculum she missed in school) or be given a degree w/o really earning it, which is a diservice to everyojne involved. It seems education does not hold the value and honor it once did. Beth was courteous and thankful for the award, but she could have been given something more realistic and practical for her life right now. Sorry, Dr. Phil, but I have to give you a thumbs down on this one. 

I could be wrong but I kind of got the feeling that they were going to work with her to get her to the level of education that she would need in order to start college. She seemed a little suprised and overwhelmed by it as well, I'm guessing because she can't even read, but it seemed like they were going to set her up with some sort of tutoring to get her to college level. She seems to be an intelligent adult, it shouldn't take her nearly as long to get to high school diploma level as it does when you are a kid going through school.  

  

I agree with you that ecuation in this country is not worth what it once was, but I do not think they are going to allow this woman to fall through the cracks or coast along and get a degree without earning it. I think she is more than willing to put in the work as it seems her level of education is tied very closely to her self worth. Anyway I guess my point is that I believe they intend to start with the basics like you said, testing her, helping her work toward a GED and the like.  

  

Good luck Beth! I know you have it in you!   

 
September 30, 2005, 9:38 pm CDT

Good Luck Amanda

Amanda,  

I know what it's like to feel like you are waiting for parental approval that is never going to come. I really hope you take Dr. Phil's advice. You are a twenty eight year old woman with children of your own. It's time you made your own decisions and owned them, whether your mother likes them or not. I garuntee you she will love you no matter what you choose in life. She may not love your choices, but she will always love you. Your children don't benefit from seeing you acting so timidly around your mother. If for nothing else, do it for them. Show them that you are a grown-up, and you are your own woman. One day your children may make choices that go against what you feel is best for them, just remember how it made you feel to think that you would not have your mother's love because of a choice you made in your life. Also know that this is not something you undertake alone, your husband is there to support you, and you are not the only one to ever feel this way!  

 
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