Topic : 12/23 "Get a Backbone!"

I can relate SO MUCH with this woman. She is ME. 

  

I cannot believe myself! I am a strong person......really!  If you met me you'd think I was confident, strong, determined, and stood by my convictions..... 

  

But when I am challenged, I get scared and fold like a piece of paper. I let bullies walk all over me, I let fear take me over. I have no confidence in my convictions, I always think I'm wrong, no matter how much I know about something, I avoid arguing by running away ... literally.... I have an EXTREME FEAR of facing people and having confrontations (to the point of a panic attack during the ordeal....not a good thing!), and I cry so I seem even MORE ike a wimp!  

  

For example, I have a co-worker, 20 years my junior who bullies me daily. I get afraid no one will back me up if I stand up to him, and then he reciprocates by doing passive/aggressive things to me and giving me a cold shoulder, more things I am afraid of. My next door neighbor repaved his sidewalk and was going 6" into our property line and I was too much of a chicken to face him. 

  

I get so afraid that during a confrontation my mind goes blank. I let what others say overpower me during the fight, even sometimes to the point of allowing them to make me believe that I am the wrong one. Sometimes, I just am too tired emotionally to go through with it and just give up. I don't like fighting. But I never learned how to fight/argue with someone and not make it into a big thing, get emotional and fall apart. Who wants to fight with a crying person?! I cry from frustration, though, not to "manipulate," which is the what most people think. I get that lump in my throat and I just want to burst. Inevitably, I do. 

  

And then there are the times that I DO stand up for myself, but I get so afraid that I overcompensate and sound mean. So no one really knows the real me. They see a wimp who sometimes is really mean. This has been a problem I have had all my life. I cry as I write this. I need help, but I don't know what to do. I have tried therapy in the past, but this particular problem, though mentioned, gets overlooked, which is a feeling I have during arguments, as well. I just don't know what to do anymore.  

  

I was on Paxil for about 4 months due to depression, and that kind of knocks all emotionality out of you while you're on it. I was actually able to function in these situations better, but it also made me aggressive. Didn't cry at all during that time. I don't think that's the answer; I think that behavior modification would be better, but I don't know where to begin. I could go on and on but I don't want to bore you guys to death or take up any more time. Just some guidance on what to do would help. Thanks, Terry 

I too was a very shy person.  I was walked over many times as a kid, as well as by family and on the job as an adult.  I found it was a very gradual process learning to speak up for myself.  Writing helped me get in touch with alot of my feelings.  Then I started feeling comfortable doing things like returning junky merchandise, sending back cold food at a restaurant etc.  These of course are situations where you are not worried about repercussions in a personal relationship.  I became more comfortable saying "no" to things I didn't have time to do (ie. the typical example of always being the mother asked to do the baking while 24 others never are!)  I had to put my foot down with friends too....one friend always has an excuse not to take her turn to hostess a get-together that we do on a rotating basis. She would call a few days before complaining about how much she has to do, or somewhere she has to go...never mind that I am also very busy and never make excuses when it is my turn!!! I used to fall for her excuses and offer to do it instead, now I hold my ground!!!  The hardest is standing up to family members.  While I am better at this now, I still sometimes have a hard time with it.  But I've come this far and will keep working on it! 

  

To you, I say "Good for you!!"  Sounds like you've come a long way in your journey and I wish you continued good luck!!! 

As I said in a post to someone else on this topic:  I learned to stand up for myself by first doing it with people that I don't have a personal relationship with....then you don't worry about perceived consequences with someone you know on a personal level.  Start by standing up in business type situations.  Return that dress that doesn't fit the way you want it to.  Call up customer service about something you weren't satisfied with.  Then start saying "NO" to requests you don't have time to do. A simple "sorry I can't bake cupcakes this year; I have too much going on right now" will do. 

  

I know the feeling of freezing up when confronted with a situation.  And feeling like your heart is going to pound right out of your chest! Then you leave and wonder why you didn't say anything.  Remember, you can always go back to that co-worker or family member later (and when you are calmer) and say "I've been thinking about what happened this morning and this is how I feel about it...............................State your position calmly.  So you do get that second chance.  If it is the rude person who cut you off on the supermarket line, Just make up your mind that if it happens again you will politely say "Excuse me but I was here first" and start walking up to the cashier immediately. Some things that are minor, I just let go. It's just not worth it to feed into everything that happens, like a stranger that was rude. 

  

Good luck and let me know how you are doing.  Julie B 

Hi again Terry.  I re-read your passage and had some more thoughts.  First, don't think of every situation where you and another person disagree as a "fight".  That in itself makes it so much more scary.  Think of it as having a problem that needs to be resolved.  Believe me, most of my "confrontations" are not fights, but discussions and sharing of ideas.  If a person is too hot-headed to listen to you, you can calmly say that you see that they are very upset and you would like to continue the discussion only after they calm down.  If someone is disrespectful, let them know that you don't like to be spoken to that way.  It would help to have a few phrases handy for these situations (ie.  "I know you're angry but it is not okay for you to speak to me like that, call me that name..."whatever. Disagreements don't have to, and really shouldn't be,  screaming matches. 

  

Don't allow people to make you think that you are always wrong.  Look at it instead that you both see things differently and how can resolve it in a way that makes both of you comfortable.  Inevitably you both will probably have to do some compromising.  Now there are probably some things that are so important to you that Dr. Phil would call them "Deal-breakers".  I would put into this category any kind of physical or emotional abuse.  You will have to hold strong your ground on these things.  This is the time when you do not budge an inch! 

  

Your co-worker sounds manipulative.   The "cold-shoulder" treatment can be ignored. If there are worse things happening you may need to document things and go to a supervisor. Is this person at all approachable...if so maybe you could try talking to him at a calm time and try to frame it like you would like to improve the working relationship you have. My gut feeling from what you wrote is that he is not the approachable type, but only you could know that. I do like to try to work things out directly with a co-worker before going to a supervisor. 

  

By the way, I find it almost humorous about the sidewalk.  Look at it that YOU now have 6 new inches of sidewalk...it is still Your property, and how nice of him to re-pave it for you (LOL!!!!) 

 Hello,

I have posted a message a little while ago on this topic, I was talking about how I didn't have a backbone & how much my mother was walking all over me. I never had a backbone even as a child, maybe since my mom always spoke up for me I never learned to do it myself. Anyways, I decided that now since I"m a mom, I wanted my child to respect me. How could she respect me if nobody else did. So I made a plan. I wrote down 10 rules for myself of situations where I have to speak up.
Those rules of course would be great for anyone who doesn't have a backbone like me but should vary from person to person.
I started my list with not allowing people to show up unexpected to my house. (yes this happens to me a lot. My mother for exemple can show up at 7h30am on a saturday & ask for coffee! My husband & I are still in bed & even my toddler might be still asleep & she doesn't care.) Now I have to say NO come back later or NO call before showing up.
Another one of my rules is not to allow anyone to critisize my husband in his back.
Or not to allow people to critisize my way or raising/decipline my child...
Or people who want to smoke cigarets around me or my child (I have bad asthma & I should not have to take medication so other people can smoke!) Opening a window is not enought. If I am at their place I will have to speak up & say that if they do smoke, I will leave.
Another very important rule was about people asking me to do things... I am a very helpful person, I should be abble to do things out of my free will. Now if I say NO & the person insists & starts arguying that they did this & that for me in the past (start emotionnal manipulation) or start saying that then they wont do something they were supposed to (treats....) Any kind of statement like that I WILL say NO automaticly! Nothing will then change my mind.
I have 10 rules like this. Mainly stuff that I would let happen & rage inside without saying a word. You know what I'm talking about.
So after writing down my list I did show it to people around me so they dont think I've gone nuts. I have introduced it to them as my new resolution. I was surprised to see that everybody automaticly aggreed that this was a good thing for me, even my mom. Noone has even tryed to test me or anything. It is a true blessing. My husband is so glad that I have finally found a way to be respected. Now, we have our intimacy in our home. Nobody shows up without calling first, nobody critisizes us. I do fell more respected & proud of this achievement.
Unlike some of you who suggested to start with people you dont have a relationship with, I started with my biggest challenge: My mom. After her, it was real easy dealing with anybody else!
A lot of people I talked to about this list went on & wrote their own. I hope you do to & that it works as well for you as it did for me! Good luck!
Blue

I think it is fabulous that you were able to "get a backbone"!  And you started by going right to the one that you had the most difficulty standing up to.  Glad to hear your list is working. 

I think for some people it is easier to do this in small steps.  Like me for instance.  It was easier to start first with people that I was not emotionally tied to as in the situations I described in a past posting.  Like dealing with customer service, returning items to a store; things that give you a chance to speak up without the fear that it is going to mess up a personal relationship.  I am at the point where I can stand up to most people including Mom who, like yours, can be pretty strong willed.  So we each have our own way of working through it.  Again, I was happy to read your story!! Have a great day!! Julie  

Well I'm  new to the message boards and mabey my "story" is a little off, but I will be the first to admitt that I have no backbone. My mother is 36 years old and only comes to visit me when she needs money, a shower, or something to eat. Very recently she admitted to doing cocaine and she was so irrisponsible with her life. (she still is) My 13 (about to be 25) year old sister is living with me,my fiance,and our 6 month old. I take her to and from school, we help her with her homework, "teen issues", bad hair days, pay for lunch, field trips, clothing, food, the whole 9! I don't mind it, but my mother is NOT a part of her life. Just last week I told my mom she is going to have to start taking her to school because it's crazy trying to get her out the door along with a tired infant in the middle of winter.  (Well, actually I asked her and told her I would give her $10 a week). When I was 17 she kicked me out on the street with no where to go and now she comes to me because she has been kicked out of a few places. Right now she is staying with a boyfriend, but I think they both do drugs. My problem is when my mom asks me to do something, she will make sure I feel guilty before I can even answer. If I say no, she makes it a point to let me know she is "hurt" . Today i asked her if she would be able to pick my sister up from school and she said probably! There are no words to describe how angry I am with that answer! My fiance and I only argue over her, and it is getting out of hand. He wants me to cut all ties with her because she causes us nothing but pain and worry. We've tried to talk with her and explain how we feel, but she converted back to he rold self. We are 20 and 24, we never go out. We actually perfer to stay home with our son. But every now and then we like to go to a nice dinner with just the two of us. But every time we call her to keep an eye on her own daughter, she is either at the bar or at home drinking. Any way I'm sure I've went on long enough, I just needed some vent time! Thanks, 

                                            Sarah 

Hello and Greetings of Peace. 

I believe the reason for my very surival has been my sense of humor. But, even though i am usually the first to laugh, i am also the first to cry. Even through the abuse and neglect most of my childhood i believe i was gifted with the sight of hope. In the worst situations of my life, and although most should have killed me and haven't, i always found a reason to keep going, no matter how small. As far as the pain i always said it has to stop sometime...until one day i realized this cannot happen on its own.  

I finally found my 'backbone' when i was burnt out on my own excuses for others. All i can say is i was surrounded by my acoholic and drug addicted family and one day was fed up. Every time there were problems the police would ask if i want to file a report and each time i said no and they would just take me to a safe spot or a friend's. One day during a fight i was hit and my smaller cousin was with me. This time the threat was not only me but to her. By this time we were grown and this garbage had been going on since we were little. I told her today this ends. We have to break this cycle before it breaks us. I drove her to the police station and filed my report. I saw this person a couple months later and they were drinking again. I said hello and they started yelling that they had to pay a fine because of me. I replyed, YOU payed a fine because YOU hit me. From that day i realized no one will respect you if you dont respect yourself. Back then though i only had a backbone when i was angry. I felt guilty standing up for myself. I had to make sure it was 'justified' and totally responded aggressively.  

My problem was i did not know who i was. To save time and yawning, i had a life changing experience that would save me forever. I found my backbone. I found my peace and belief in the world and finally everything made sense. I found my Religion. Everything i believed was perfectly laid out and consistant with all of Creation. My God is One who cannot die or does not weaken or tire. My Religion gives me this peace because with it comes Justice. I am no longer a victim. My words are heard and good deeds noticed. From this I am strong and believe in myself because i know there will come a day when we will all be judged equally. I use this to be an advocate to others. Each of us are human beings with rights to be heard and cared for. Oppressors are weak and insecure. My knowledge is what fuels my Faith and my Faith is my BACKBONE. 

  

 Hello Dr. Phil,  I haven't seen this topic yet and I am going to tape it also  when I do see it and I am so happy this topic is coming up. My husband is being bullied by his boss which is a woman. She first lied her way in taking his job over and now she blames him for everything she does wrong. My husband is a very quiet man. My husband worries about his job and losing it all together so, he just leaves it alone. He believes that he has tried defending himself and it doesn't work., so why keep doing it, if no one will help him. This is what he states to me. I am his vent. I try telling him that he needs to stand up for his character if he is not going to stand up for his job. I am more frustrated than he is now!!!!  I know I need to let it go but, she is doing all the talking and my husband isn't and their boss is listening to her. Thank you again and I am hoping he will get something from this topic on your show.  A Great Big Fan of Yours !!!!    Holly K. Of OKLahoma City, OK. 

Hi Holly.  I once had a real vicious bully of a boss.  Although I was a hard worker, she looked to find fault with everything I did. She even created a paper trail full of lies to try to oust me, such as in employee reviews.  Neither before having  this woman as boss, nor after  did I receive the kinds of reviews she gave me.   I felt like I was in the Twilight Zone and she was writing about a total stranger.  For some unknown reason she had taken a disliking to me.  Eventually I ended up leaving and it was for the best.  You can beat your head against a brick wall with people like this and they will never change.  Sometimes the best thing is to leave.  It is not cowardly....I certainly tried for a long time to "win her over" by doing a great job, going the extra mile etc.  But once you realize nothing will change that person's feelings about you, it is best to move on.  Good luck.  I hope you and your husband get some good ideas tomorrow.  Julie