Topic : 12/23 "Get a Backbone!"

Hi, 

I was so glad to have caught your show yesterday...I have had so many people tell me that I am to nice and because of that I let people walk all over me.  Its okay to be nice, but it's not okay to let others take advantage of that.  But I also find that easier said than done for use who where our hearts on our sleeves, and tend to want to believe the best in people and just want to be like by everyone.  I find that when I do assert myself and tell just how I feel about something that doesn't make me happy, It ends up biting me in the a--. I find it hard to understand, why when I assert myself , and tell it like I see it, or try to even take notes from others that do have that leadership quality and try to assert myself in there example...it never works...I get the total opposite reaction. Even from my children.  They are great kids, but believe me they would never talk to there father the way they speak to me at times, but we do teach people how to treat us as you said.  I could go on and on..but I just wanted to let you know I enjoyed the show, and I understood what you were saying, but I also think that people who don't have a "backbone"  as you put it maybe need more than just the words "Stand up for yourself" its not that easy.  I think that the salon girls know how to push her buttons and get what they want now and its not going to be easy for her to just suddenly be "in charge" she needs to get herself into a managerial course, and learn how to be assertive ( is that what the scholarship was for?).  It stinks being the "leader" sometimes, it makes people not think fondly of you at times, and thats hard for a person , like me, to handle because I am a people pleaser, and for some reason feel like I need people to like me...And I think thats what I got from the salon owner...she  is afraid of losing friends, and making enemies. Also I so relate to the crying deal, because I have a really hard time controling my emotions, esp. during any kind of conflict.  It comes over me like a wave and I have no control, I think its probably the one thing I hate most about myself...I wish I could control that., so Dr. Phil how do I control that?? Because I think that would solve alot of the  problems if I were able to just control that one thing.....Well, this went on longer than I anticipated..but again I enjoyed the show.  Thanks! 

Dr Phil, I have been a victim of my mother's abuse and my father's emotional withdrawal for twenty-six years. I am now living with my fiancee, but often find myself dwelling on my mother and, even worse, project some of my mother's behaviors on my future wife. I think I am the only man in the world with a Masters' Degree in English that is still so bothered by being called a 'loser' that I virtually shut down.  

I want to thank you for empowering me through this episode. While I do not speak well on the phone, I can communicate by mail. I am enclosing this quote: 'If you cannot accept me for who I am, if you cannot respect me for who I am, if you are going to continue to insult me, I will not have a relationship with you, and don't let the door hit you in the ass on the way out.' 

It may be extreme, but with this woman, you have to be. 

Dr. Phil, thank you so much, and I pray anyone else out there who has a hard time standing up to their parents to hang in there. It takes time, I know, but don't give up, and don't give in. You're worth it! 

Shaun Curran 

Sometimes people throw that 'Get over it,' or 'Get a backbone' or even 'Stand up for yourself' freely, and the victim feels even worse because he or she can't get over it. What she needs is a step by step program designed to assist her in each and every aspect of what she's dealing with. in my prior post I wrote that I, too, deal with an abusive mother. I want to thank her so much for taking the time to come on the show and be an inspiration to people everywhere.  

Shaun 

Maybe it is not your sense of kindness and compassion that is the problem but your ability to sense where your boundaries begin and another person's end.  Some great resources on this subject that may be of interest to you: 

You all didnt not get the whole story.  My mother was NOT paying the bills they were in her name so while my husband and I were split up he could not mess with my utilities.  The bill that went to collections happened before we got back together.  You also didnt see anything about previous situations with my mother and I.  There was ALOT of stuff in the past that lead up to me needing Dr. Phils help to tell her that my husband and I were back together.  We have only split up 2 times in out 11 year relationship.  You also didnt hear about what lead up to this last break up.  Maybe you all should ask Dr. Phil to bring us back so you can find out about the deeper root of the problem. 

I record Dr. Phil everyday and then come home and watch at night.  I was so upset because something interfered with the recording of today's show on getting a back bone, and I only got to see 4 minutes of the show.  It is important to know who we are and have healthy boundaries so that people like "the 6 pack" can't tear us down.  There are people like that out there, if we allow them to walk all over us, they will.  Since only four minutes of the show were recorded I only saw enough to be really ticked at those bullies, I find it hard to believe that a bunch of grown women can be so rude and insensitive to someone who is providing a nice place to go work everyday.   Those women are acting like 7th grade girls. 

Beth, you deserve better workers than that.