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Topic : 10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

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Created on : Friday, September 30, 2005, 03:36:12 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Moms do everything from kissing scraped knees, to being taxi drivers to coaching soccer — all at the same time! Ginger says she is overwhelmed by all the cooking, cleaning, driving and disciplining she has to do for her five children. She says her husband doesn't pitch in because he thinks it's a woman's job. Next, Amy says that with three kids under the age of 6, her house is in utter chaos. Her husband, Jeremie, doesn't know how to help, so Dr. Phil sends in "The Mom Squad" to help Amy get her household in order. And, Lexi says the way her mom dresses embarrasses her, and she pleads with Dr. Phil to help. Learn how to organize your life and even enjoy some "Mom Time." Are you a stressed out mom? Tell us!

 

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October 5, 2005, 9:12 am CDT

10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

Quote From: irishmom

 I have three girls, ages 4, 5 and 4months.  I am a stay-at-home mom and also home school because the public school in our area has proven to be an unsafe environment for our daughter.  It can be very stressful managing the laundry, dishes, meals, cleaning, home school curriculum, breastfeeding, taking care of the dog, etc.  Luckily I am a naturally organized person so it isn't quite as bad as it could be, but still can get chaotic at times.  I try to get the kids out as much as possible (we went to the local Natural History Center today for a "field trip") so that the house can stay as organized as possible while I still teach the children. 

We seem to be on the road too much, leaving too little time at home to clean! Because of my MS I am always tired, so I need to nap in the afternoon.  The big kids (12 and 16) watch the little ones (3 and a disabled 10 yr old) for me a lot, which helps, but then I hate to ask them to do so much cleaning after they've done childcare! It's a challenge, without a doubt. 

  

 
October 5, 2005, 9:17 am CDT

10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

Quote From: dearcomet

You are not going to believe this but I have a 16 year old son and a two year old daughter.  I too thought that my daughter should be potty trained by now because my son brought me his diaper at 18 months, yes he did, and told me that he was a big boy and only babies wear diapers and he wasn't a baby anymore.  From then on he didn't wear diapers.   

  

As for my daughter....we have spent hundreds of dollars on potty chairs, books, videos, dolls you name it.  I went to her pediatrician frustrated and broke and asked "WHAT???"  With all his degrees and experience he very calmly told me "She's not ready yet"  

  

Simple words, but he's right, sometimes she tells me when she has to go, sometimes she doesn't.  But I think the fact that I'm not stressing about it is stopping her from stressing and we are plugging along. 

We do "child led" potty learning.  They let us know when they're ready and we follow their cues.  My older daughter was days past her 3rd birthday.  My older son I tried to force into learning and it was a disaster.  My 3 yr old is hit and miss right now, he's interested but can't yet hold it once he st arts to go.   It's a very simple process when they are ready and when we, as parents, allow them to lead the process.  We put a little more money into diapers or pull ups, but oh well.  They grow up and eat you out of house and home later, whats the diff. LOL 

 
October 5, 2005, 9:29 am CDT

10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

Quote From: britsie

I certainly hope that this show was a wake up call for women who haven't yet had kids. Think it through and discuss it BEFORE you get married. Once you have them, you can't send them back when they become a lot of work or get ill.  

  

No one ever said that you HAVE to have children. That is your personal decision, not your mom's or mother-in-laws' decision. Don't be swayed by others because you are the one who will have to raise the kids you have. Also, don't assume that family members will babysit for you. Don't assume that people without children are dying to babysit for your kids, either.  

  

I chose not to have kids and life is wonderful. My husband and I have never regretted it. I get involved with my friends' kids instead. They are fun for a few hours. But I don't want them 24/7 ! 

  

As a result, we have had more time and money to do things for the community. We have noticed that we are healthier and look younger than our counterparts with children. Neither one of us is on perscription drugs. We haven't had the everyday stresses of parenthood. Our marriage bond in strong because we had the time to nurture it. We were able to weather some serious storms that life has thrown our way, but I don't think we would have made it if we had been distracted by  our childrens' needs.  

18 yrs married and going strong here, no drugs either! But four kids, six miscarriages, MS, a disabled child, plenty of stress.  Add to that that others seem to have problems believing I'm as old as I am and I think we're doing ok. :) 

  

 I find your *take* on parenting very different to be honest, but I think you feel we have it far worse than we do. Is it frustrating and stressful? You betcha.  but it's the most rewarding thing out there.  I wouldn't trade my every day stresses, 24/7 children for all the time and money in the world.  My contribution to my community is time, well behaved children, cookies for events, lots of good stuff.   

  

Yes, Dr Phil has some s truggling people on his show, but there are also many of us out here who, while we certainly have our stresses, are very happy as parents.   

  

  

  

 
October 5, 2005, 9:30 am CDT

10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

Quote From: missjane2

When I read these stories I said:  "I wonder what it would be like to just have your husband say Thankyou and just be happy with the way things are."  I have 4 school age kids.  I like my house tidy and organized, but not perfect.  NOW I AM BEING VERY SERIOUS HERE.  I am not joking ok.  This is real life.  If any of you all were in these situations what would you do?  I have a job list on the frig for kids for each day of the week that they TRY to follow, but do pretty good.  My husband helps around the house.  I almost wish he wouldn't.  OK.  One of his problems is the vacuuming problem. He vacuums everyday.  Now if we are all dressed up and ready to walk out the door say to a Christmas party..... He will say:  (this is truth)  "There is a spot on your face.  WAIT!  I have to vacuum the whole house!" and then he will vacuum it whether you are late or not.  Now if I had vacuumed it.... it wouldn't be good enough and he would have to do it again to make sure it is done right.  OK 2nd problem:  Our DINNER TABLE is CHAOS.  I blame him.  This has been going on for so many years it is not even funny.  I mean when we don't eat together there is peace.  BUT here is how it goes.  I cook and pass out all the food whatever it is. And he gets up in the middle of dinner and cooks something else for him and the kids or he gets a bowl of cereal or ice cream bar during dinner and gives it to the kids.  This happens every day we eat together.  If you ask him he will say Oh it happened one time.  Now I have tried to tape record our dinners.... but he keeps his trap shut and acts sweet and says things he would never say off the tape.  BUT our kids say the things he says and get ice cream bars during dinner.  If I asked him ahead of time what he wanted for dinner he would change his mind by the time dinner is on the table.  (I honestly need 24 hr cam which I am looking into.)  Now my mom suggested:  I cook one day and he cooks the next.  Which this is what we are doing, BUT he still does this to my meals.  I almost wish I had someone to call and just show up and argue with him for me at dinner because I just want a peaceful dinner. 

Your husband sounds extremely passive agressive.  Ideally you two would have counseling to figure out why exactly he resents you and feels the need to undermine your efforts at dinner.  His behavior is very disrespectful.  If my husband did this, I would just stop cooking altogether.  If  he is going to prepare a second meal on your nights to cook, he might as well just be the only one cooking and save on supplies and effort.   

  

As far as the vacuuming, that sounds bizarre.  If you like to be on time, this could also be his passive agressive way of frustrating your plans to be punctual by manufacturing the sudden need to vacuum.  Or could be a symptom of obsessive/compulsive disorder.  If being on time is important to you, the next time he tries the vacuuming trick right as you are leaving, just keep on walking out the door, get in the car, and leave without him.   

  

He treats you this way because you allow it.  I think marriage counseling would benefit every couple no matter how happy and healthy their relationship, but your situation seems to me to be crying out for an objective opinion since your thoughts on the matter are apparently not worthy or your husband's consideration. 

 
October 5, 2005, 9:41 am CDT

What about dads that stay home

I am a stay at home dad of 2 sets of twins plus my oldest son, and i didn't here any hints for us.  please Dr. Phil tell me what i can do to to make our lives better.  My relationship is falling apart with my spouse and that is my love of my life. I am disabled do to my poor vision. Pleaee Dr. Phil help me do the right thing and hold it together..
 
October 5, 2005, 10:25 am CDT

10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

Quote From: dad_dennis

I am a stay at home dad of 2 sets of twins plus my oldest son, and i didn't here any hints for us.  please Dr. Phil tell me what i can do to to make our lives better.  My relationship is falling apart with my spouse and that is my love of my life. I am disabled do to my poor vision. Pleaee Dr. Phil help me do the right thing and hold it together..

Hats off to you dear dad. It is not to often you find the dad willing to be the homemaker.   

heck my guy got all bent out of shape one night I had to go to the store and he was to lazy to go, but the baby needed milk, so i left and was gone 20 minutes I came back and HE is all upset cause the baby cried the whole time  I was gone ..he went into our bedroom and didnt come out all night.... 

I wish you all the best as a SAHD... 

What sort of  trouble are you having with your spouse...seams to be a lot of women here that may offer some advice... 

 
October 5, 2005, 11:45 am CDT

Former single mom who cut the chaos

I  was a single mom  for 17 years of a boy and girl 18 months apart. I divorced when they were 2 and 4. I worked full time at a very high stress low paying  job for a non profit organization. I learned very quickly that "doing it all" wasn't going to work.  Set your priorities ladies (and single and stay at home dads!) and ALWAYS take some time just for YOU.  Make sure you have dinner together as a family(even iif it's mac and cheese) make sure you have a regular bedtime scedule for the kids (so you can have time to yourself after they hit the sack) Make the beds every day (somehow it just makes the whole house look clean and neat!) Keep the common areas uncluttered (who care what the kids rooms look like--it's their domain!--shut their doors to hide it)--make sure you get dressed  with makeup and hair done everyday (it really gives you a boost) and exercize (even if it's taking an evening walk with the kids) it's a great stress reliever.  The most important luxury I afforded myself was an evening bath by candlelight after the kids were in bed. Helped me sleep and unwind--reading was great too. My kids are 26 and 28 both successful I have an 8 year old granddaughter who keeps me young  and in shape  ( tak e her every other weekdn to give my daughter some "me Time".  Keep up the good work ladies and gents and don't forget about YOU!
 
October 5, 2005, 12:05 pm CDT

A lil' disturbed

Quote From: britsie

I certainly hope that this show was a wake up call for women who haven't yet had kids. Think it through and discuss it BEFORE you get married. Once you have them, you can't send them back when they become a lot of work or get ill.  

  

No one ever said that you HAVE to have children. That is your personal decision, not your mom's or mother-in-laws' decision. Don't be swayed by others because you are the one who will have to raise the kids you have. Also, don't assume that family members will babysit for you. Don't assume that people without children are dying to babysit for your kids, either.  

  

I chose not to have kids and life is wonderful. My husband and I have never regretted it. I get involved with my friends' kids instead. They are fun for a few hours. But I don't want them 24/7 ! 

  

As a result, we have had more time and money to do things for the community. We have noticed that we are healthier and look younger than our counterparts with children. Neither one of us is on perscription drugs. We haven't had the everyday stresses of parenthood. Our marriage bond in strong because we had the time to nurture it. We were able to weather some serious storms that life has thrown our way, but I don't think we would have made it if we had been distracted by  our childrens' needs.  

      I read your message and although I do understand that it's a person's own choice as to weither or not they have children...I was disturbed by some of your comments.  To me, children and their needs are not distractions.  Raising a child with strong morals, values and self-esteem can be the most rewarding thing a person can ever do.  And hey, if you and your husband just don't want to go there that's fine.  But to me you almost make it sound as though a child places such a burden upon one success and happiness.  Yet my son is how I define my success and happiness!!!  No high dollar bank account, or CEO position, or beautiful house or car for that matter could ever outweigh the love, the happiness and fulfillment that comes through raising a respectable child.  I also thought it was quite strange that you said that you and your husband are healthier and look younger than your counterparts with children.  I beg to differ. There are those people that keep a healthy body and mind even while raising a child or having had one for that matter.   

      Yes, no one ever said that we have to have children and I do agree it's a personal choice that each of us get's to make.  You probably do have more money and time to do things for your community but who's to say that those of us with children don't or can't.  And believe it or not those of us who have chosen to have children can also sustain a strong, healthy bond in our marriages.  We, at times, might be a lil' strapped for time but then it becomes our responsibility to make time for the things that are important to us.  My husband and I have also been through some SERIOUS STORMS in our relationship but have managed to pull through everytime.  And most of the time our trials hit us was when we had already had our son.  I never said that you stated that it's impossible for those with children to do any of these things but I just wanted to show you my proof that with children, or for me...my only child....I am still successful.  Maybe not so much in my wallet but through my life and family. 

 
October 5, 2005, 12:11 pm CDT

YIKES!

I am a stay at home mom of fraternal twin girls! They will be one october 19th! I am also back in college finsihing my degree! My life is hectic to say the least! My fiance works during the day and when he comes home he feels he has to do nothing because he works and when his day is over thats it. I RARELY get any help from him and if i do he complains the whole time. He NEVER watches the girls so i can go out and have time to myself i have 3 hours a week to myself and that is when im in school. The only time i get to relax is when the girls are sleeping and that is when i am usually doing my homework and then bed. My fiance feels i dont contribute anything so i have no room to speak up because i dont work. HUH!! If he only knew! On the weekends he sleeps in and does not wake up with me and the girls because that is his only time to sleep in is on the weekends! When do i get to sleep in? NEVER! It is so frustrating because i dont know what to do. We have been to counseling and that worked for awhile until it got too expensive and we had to stop going. We had three sesions a week, each of us single and then one together and we were paying almost $100 a week, We couldnt afford that anymore with twins and only one income. So we are right back to where we started. I just hope one day it gets better! Any advice! 

  

Tired mom of twins 

Stephanie 

 
October 5, 2005, 12:15 pm CDT

I remember those days :)

Quote From: serene

  

  I am a 24 year old stay at home mom with a 2 1/2 year old and a one year old. Both girls. I am in the midst of potty training my 2 year old and I can't seem to get her to go. Some people say that she'll go when she is ready, but I think she is old enough. If you ask her where she is suppose to go pee pee she will tell you on the potty. I am running out of ideas. What do I Do? 

I'm far away from potty training these days but it's something I remember vividly. My first son was 2 1/2 when I tossed some cheerios into the potty and told him to dunk 'em. He took to potty training instantly and within a few days we tossed the diapers. I remember running into a friend who had a 3 1/2 year old and she was buying diapers with a look on her face like she was committing a criminal offense. She explained that "he only wears them at night" and he piped in to let me know that he had one on right then. I was surprised that such an intelligent woman and good mom could have a 3 1/2 year old who wasn't trained yet.... oh how naive we can be.  

  

I learned with my 2nd son that I had NOT toilet trained our first son, he just decided it was time. My li'l guy liked his diapers and wouldn't be parted from them. I tried everything and was mortified when someone "caught" me buying diapers when he was over 3. Suddenly, a lot of friends who'd been sure that they'd had their kids "trained" by 2 were admitting that one or all of their kids were older. I relaxed until he was 3 1/2 and then I sat him down and asked why he wouldn't stop wearing his diapers. He told me he liked the way they heated up his bum when he peepeed... eeewwww. He went into underoos the next day and for a week he asked for his diapers because he hated being wet. Today's diapers don't let kids feel that they are wet so there's no real need to get out of them other than when vanity or peer pressure kicks in.  

  

My advice to you is not to worry. Lots of kids are 2 1/2 or older when they're out of diapers which is why they make them in gargantuan sizes now.  

  

For anyone who is past the diapering stage, I'd remind you that diapers are INCREDIBLE at sucking up spills. I've always kept them on hand for those times when a cup of juice spills and I can attest that a good diaper can suck up a full cup of grape juice from a beige carpet without leaving a mark.  

 
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