Topic : 10/05 Moms: Cut the Chaos

I absolutely agree that if you and your husband have decided that you do not wish to have children, then you shouldn't...even if family and friends are pressuring you to do so.  Being a good parent requires you to be selfless and to put your childrens' needs before your own, which some people simply cannot or will not do.  I have to say that as a SAHM of a 3 year old (and one on the way) that I do not feel that I have been "distracted" by my child's needs or that I have not had time to nurture our marriage.  In fact, for me, having a child has only made our marriage and love for each other stronger.  It is amazing how much more you can love a man when you see him carefully powdering your baby's bottom or giving a giggling 2 year old pony rides around the living room.  I hope you realize although your decision not to have children may have been the best for your marriage, some couples WILL grow closer to each other as a result of creating and nurturing a human life.  I believe that God will only give us what we are capable of handling, so for my husband and I, being blessed with 2 beautiful children is a great compliment.

I agree that thinking about having children and discussing it is very important. It's a decision that shouldn't be taken lightly because, as you say, you can't send them back. 

  

However, you seem to believe that your marriage and life is as good as it is because you didn't have children. I've been married for 25 years to the most wonderful person I know. I was lucky enough to have been married for 7 years before we had our boys so we were able to build a strong foundation together but there hasn't been a single day since we've had our children that I've regretted being a parent.  

  

When we were childless, we had great trips, a cool car and a tiny perfect apartment in an upscale adult neighbourhood. I knew that when we had our son, I'd continue to work full time but what you think will happen prior to having kids and what the reality is are two different things. Inside my dynamic business person exterior was a passionate stay home mom just waiting for her chance to shine. Our income was cut in half and our expenses doubled. It was a bargain for the happiness we've been given. :)  

  

Parenthood can be stressful but it can also be exhilarating and so full of love that it can't be explained. For me, it's been like being full up to the brim with a smile for 18 years. We were happy before we had our boys but, as parents, we're HAPPY. A house full of laughter and love doesn't really need prescription drugs and the crinkles around my eyes are well deserved.  

  

I knew my husband was a good man before we had children but having them showed me that he's an exceptional father. Our 18 yr. old has headed out to college and our 13 yr. old is growing up quickly and too soon so it'll be just the two of us before long but the love hasn't diminished with having been "distracted by our childrens' needs", it's doubled and tripled. We've both been active in our community and we may not look younger than those without children but we surely do look happy.  

  

I'm glad you found what was right for you. I have awesome friends who also chose that path and they're happy and complete (and I've never asked them to babysit for us, but they often ask if they can borrow the kids) so I know that a life with kids is right for some people and not having kids is right for others but I don't believe not having kids keeps you healthier, younger or happier... many of us who are parents could give ya a run for your money and we could do it with a pile of coupons in one hand, a chocolate covered 3 yr. old under our arm and a smile on our faces :) 

I learned that few kids go to college without being potty trained! It seemed like forever to train my daughter, until she found out that she couldn't go to pre-school for 3 year olds without being peeing on the potty. She was ready in one day.  But, I can tell you, ALL of my neighbors kids were potty trained before my daughter, and many of them are now struggling with nighttime wetting- except us. SInce getting out of diapers, shes never wet the bed- hurray! My son trained himself before I had a chance to- go figure!!! Don't stress it-  don't yell, just wait it out.......

I am a 24 yr old stay at home mom of 3 little girls.  The oldest is 4, bron June of 2001.  Then second is 3, born Sept. 2002.  And the baby will be one in just a couple weeks.  My husband is a truck driver, gone all week long...so it is all me, all the time.  I work more and get more stressed now that I am staying home with the kids then when I was working full time.  Luckily, my oldest is now in preschool...but I have to make sure she is up and ready to go, and wait for the bus while still taking care of the other two, and then about 4 hours later I have to keep an eye out for the bus again, while still trying to keep the other two happy.  Some days I get so stressed....usually it is when my husband is home on the weekends....cause he doesn't do anything.  I take care of him, too.  If we decide to go to the store or something, he sits and watches tv while I get the 3 kids ready to go.  Sometimes we argue about it, and it changes for a few minutes, then it starts all over again.  Men just don't understand.  I know he works hard all week long so that I can stay home with our children, but that doesn't mean he can't help out a little bit!  I love him to death, and I love our kids to death, but some appreciation would be nice once in awhile!!   

  

Anyhow, having three kids so close in age is extremely hard sometimes, but it is also worth it sometimes, too.  They play together, and share toys....and they will all be out of the house about the same time when they are older, lol. 

The side effects from most of the behavioral medications are vast. You should make darn sure you know what ALL the SIDE EFFECTS are BEFORE you give the medication to your child.  

  

For example, our youngest son had knock down drag out fights with his mother. She got him diagnosed and medicated. It turned out the medication she got him on, actually made him madder, and more prone to fits of rage.  

  

That was a known potential side effect that she was NOT told about until the police were called in because it got so bad. 

Im not sure about the other moms who watched todays show, but I thought the two women who were helping the moms get organized were irrtating!  When they cleaned the bathroom...werent they just moving the problem to the under cabinet?  In my opinion, they should have focused on acutally getting organized...not hiding the clutter.  And "dont iron kids clothes"?  Tarah, iron those clothes.  Would you want your child going out looking wrinkly and unkept?  I certainly dont!  Just dont iron in the morning.  My ironing and mending time is during Dr. Phil.  Im going to be just sitting there watching tv right?  Why not get this done too? 

     I just want to give a big shout out to all of the stay-at-home mom's!  I being one, know that it's hard at times.  I feel the work that we do and the stability that is provided for our children because we are able to stay home is VERY HONORABLE and well worth any and challenges we face!  For those of you that are struggling right now, KEEP YOUR HEAD UP,  you are doing the most important thing ever right now for your children and they will be better for it.  God Bless all of us!!!!

Dr. Phil.... 

    As I sit here watching your show today, mom's wanting dads to help out more, dads thinking that their only job is to bring in the paycheck....I am amazed.  I would give anything to have someone to offer even a little bit of help!  I am a single mother of 2 wonderful children.  My 8 y/o son was conceived when I was 17, and his father has split.  My daughter was absolutely unexpected.  One night, I did something that I never do, and had a one-night stand.  That was the 'romantic' way she was conceived.  Her father, after I finally found out where he was, is in jail, just being convicted of 2 class A felonies.  Therefore, when they use the phrase "single-parent" I believe I am above and beyond that.  I would love to have someone in the house who worked, so I wasn't the only one paying the bills.  I would love to have someone here to help clean up, it seems I'm constantly trying to chase around my one yr old.  I would love to have someone here for ANYTHING.  I am the bread-winner (I was until I lost my job in August), the limo driver, the chef, the nurse, the disciplinarian, the comforting mother, the mediator, the cleaning lady, etc...   I would just love to have someone here for little things...I'd love to be able to go to the bathroom without a one yr old stuck to my leg, be able to do dishes without worrying about what my daughter is putting in her mouth, light socket, dog's ear, etc.  Let them live a day in my life, Dr. Phil!!!!!!!!!! 

For those moms (or anyone keeping a house) that feel overwhelmed, there really is a web site that WILL help.Even if you don't follow it to the letter it will still get you going in the right direction.The only drawback is you'll get lots of reminders (emails) but once you get the hang of it you can just fly through them and delete them.The address is the usual before then  flylady.net.When you first get started you'll think there's no way this is going to work------but it DOES and you won't feel overwhelmed doing it either.I learned about this web site from the QVC bulletin boards.I sure hope you will give it a try.I know it helped me tremendously.BTW,this is the first time I've posted here so hello to everyone.

I learned a trick (from another stay at home mom) that meant I never have to iron again. It even works on my dry clean only stuff (that I bought by accident *lol*).  

  

I always fold the laundry as soon as it comes out of the dryer and if I miss it, I just pop the dryer on for 15 more minutes. If I have 2 or 3 items that are wrinkled horribly, I just wet a dryer sheet and pop the (dry) item in with the dryer sheet for 5 minutes. The wrinkles just fall out.  

  

Something I learned when I was on the School Board is that unkempt children are given lower marks than neat children. (it's a subconscious action by teachers but tests showed a 5% reduction in marks in identical papers turned in by messy vs neat kids) I saw that happen personally because my oldest was a neat kid who always had a nice haircut. My li'l guy is pigpen *lol*... his hair is curly so it's always sproutin' rooster tails and he leaves here clean but in the 4 minutes it takes to get to school, he's a disaster. If I were also sending him out in wrinkled clothes, I can't imagine what his marks would be.  

  

I do agree that hiding things just doesn't work for more than a few weeks and it actually makes life harder. Better to clean a room at a time when you can than to temporarily "hide" things away.  

  

One of our big cleanup tips is, we flurry clean. I put on a favourite program and during the commercials, we dash around like crazy and race each other to get back to the program. You'd be amazed at how much gets done in 3 minute segments and you don't feel like you're really working.