Dr. Phil.com - Messageboards - 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

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October 6, 2005, 7:48 am PDT

Get out!

If you're in an abusive controlling relationship you need to get out and now! I wasted 11 years with my first husband. I always thought he would change but it only got worse. He was mentally and emotionally abusive and was extremely controlling. I wasn't allowed to go anywhere or have friends, I wasn't allowed to buy clothes when I needed them, I wasn't allowed to go to the doctors or the dentist when I needed to. He would tell me how dumb I was and how worthless I was. If I didn't fold his clothes just right he'd throw them on the floor and make me refold them. He went to take a shower once and there was a speck of dirt in the tub, he dragged me into the bathroom and shoved my head in the toilet. It just got worse and worse. I left him and after a week I felt bad for him, I thought he'd change knowing I'd leave if he didn't so I went back to him, big mistake! If you're in this kind of relationship you need to get out! Things will not change, they wont get better! LEAVE!

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herenow1

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October 6, 2005, 7:56 am PDT

If you think you should leave, you need to!!!

Please take it from me.....If you think you should leave, you really need to leave.
First, you must have a plan. That was my mistake. I did not formulate a plan. No one should ever cuss you out in front of your children or threaten you in any way or hit you.
Second, save some money, try to get a job, get all your important papers together and things that are important to you and store them somewhere out of the house, find counseling for you and find friends that can emotionally support you. Isolation is not your friend. (joint counseling is not usually recommended with domestic abuse)

I was physically abused a few times but emotionally abused for more than 10 years. It came on gradually until I had no self esteem left. He then started to control all the money and sent all the mail to a po box that I could not access .It wasn't until he hit me the last time that I knew I had to leave. He still says it was all my fault. I unfortunately married someone who has no sense of responsibility what so ever.
Here is the good part, if you are being abused ( you know if you are)
You can make it on your own.
I did and so can you. It will not be easy but it will be worth it.
I thank God every day I no longer live with him.
Every day will be a challenge, don't let that get you down. You can make it.
I am now continuing my college education courtesy of the Federal Government Pell Grant.
My job now is to show my children that abuse is wrong and that this can be overcome.
The freedom is exciting.
Herenow1

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butterbean

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October 6, 2005, 8:01 am PDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal. My husband is an addict. We've been through it all. I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson. I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood. I just don't know what to do. What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again. I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be. He has ruined me financially. i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries. How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me? He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction. I believe I am sicker than he is. I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances. I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain. I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me. Any advice would be appreciated. Am I on a dead end road?

You're never on a dead end road.

Why do you say that if you left and he straightened up you could never return again?

Please think about your two beautiful boys. They are no dummies. No matter how young they may be, they certainly know a great deal of what is going on. If the authorities came to your home and found drugs, those children could be taken from YOU. That's a scary thought and in essence you are contributing to that possibility by living with an addict. Please don't let him take down the whole ship that is your family. I know that you are probably in a place where you're numb to your own feelings but I guarantee that you have plenty of feelings for your children. Please think about doing what you need to do for their sake. Flash forward to your boys being grown. Will they really have had a happy childhood with an addicted father? Will they themselves become addicts? Will they treat women poorly because that is the life example they have had? Do you feel guilty because you think that a flawed father is better than no father on the scene for them at all? I know that I used to think that when my boys were little. I thought that I didn't want my kids to be statistics coming from a broken home. My ex-husband was an addict as well, he drank himself into rages and I was stupid to think that my children didn't notice or that I managed to hide it from them or protect them from it. They knew.

Maybe you could go to a counseling group for spouses of addicts. I'll bet that Narc A Non or one of those organizations has that type of group.

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animalcat

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October 6, 2005, 8:52 am PDT

stand up for yourself!!!!!!!!!

I agree with everyone. Leave and do not go back. Its not worth the energy to put up with that kind of nonsense. If I were ever in that situation, I would leave at the beginning, not later on. I would not put up with it, period! No one deserves that kind of torture. Hats off to the producer who is a fighter and who is helping the women find an apartment.

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marciek

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October 6, 2005, 9:21 am PDT

Think I Need To Get Out

I am married to a man that is verbally and emotionally abusive, and controlling.He has two faces though, the one he uses for friends and people at work, and the one he has for me. At one point about 15 yrs ago, he was physically abusive too. My mother in law is pretty much the same....hateful,manipulative and controlling. Over the years my husbands verbal abuse has gotten a little better. I have had the nerve to tell him a few times that he has crossed over the line....and I wouldn't take it. But it always comes back.

5 years ago I found out that his mother owns half our house...and I own nothing. Mind you, I knew she was on the deed, but I was told she only owned a small portion of the home, about 10%. A short explanation.....in 1985 (before I met him, she gave him money for the downpayment for his first home. She would only agree to do it, if he put her on the deed. So he did. Then I came into the picture. I moved in with him, married 3 yrs later, contributed the whole time with work, and money When we were building the house, he told me he had to put her on the deed again because he still owed her money. Told me that if I wanted my name on the deed I better plan on paying the mortgage. I made 900.00 a month....the mortgage was 1100.00. I said I couldn't afford it, so he said
"that's ok....you don't need your name on the house.....you'll be protected by the marriage". So, he and his mommy were on the deed. I have always contributed (Ihe makes 10 times what I make) and paid my own way. Anyway , I find out she owns half the house......and here's the real kicker.....
she gets my house if my husband dies before her. When he told me this I started to cry and said "but what about me, and , How did this happen". He said "you have the life insurance, and if you don't knock it off right now I'll take you off of that and then you will have absolutely nothing". Then,
about 6 months later, my mother in law calls me (2 days after 9-11, and , she lives in NYC) and thereatens me saying "If anything ever happens to my son...you will have to live in an apartment because you will be poermitted to stay in MY house." She has been totally paid back what my husband owed her, and she won't QC. Also, she has never contributed a dime to this house. Not one dime. My husband refuses to take her to court, SCREAMING AT ME THAT "IT WOULD KILL HER". I think he is a liar, and they did this on purpose.

He always makes me feel like a nothing, that nothing I do is of any value. That nothing I have done for the last 17 years has meant anything, and he never said a word to his mother about threateneing me. I have seen 2 different lawyers, a divorce lawyer, and a good real estate lawyer. I do have grounds for divorce, and to fight for half of the house. I am so fed up with these 2 Narcisstic people I cannot even tell you. Oh, and like one of the gals on today's show......I fell down a flight of stairs in April and shattered my heel, tore all the ligaments in my ankle, and even now I need a crutch to walk at times. He has made me pay all the medical bills. Always make me pay whatever he can get me to pay for while he makes 93K a yr and saves 1K a month. One minute he's sweet and kind, the next I'm being screamed at for misplacing a tool. I am slowly saving money, have gained online access to a joint account, and am making plans to get out within the year. I have a large dog and a cat, so finding a place to live will be tricky. And he and his witch of a mother will make the divorce hell, but, I think I have the law on my side. AT least I hope so.

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missjane2

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October 6, 2005, 9:26 am PDT

Why Women don't Leave.....

Quote From: animalcat

I agree with everyone. Leave and do not go back. Its not worth the energy to put up with that kind of nonsense. If I were ever in that situation, I would leave at the beginning, not later on. I would not put up with it, period! No one deserves that kind of torture. Hats off to the producer who is a fighter and who is helping the women find an apartment.

I agree that Women should Leave, but WHY WOMEN DON'T LEAVE is.......I think you are tired. You are too tired to deal with UNTANGLING the VERY TANGLED BALL OF YARN. Like if you look at Joan. She comes on this show and says: her husband won't let her take a shower every day but only every other day. She is experiencing this. Now she comes on the Dr. Phil show and tells him and tells us all. Now Dr. Phil asks her husband something to the effect: "Is Joan not allowed to have a shower every day?" And James answers: "No, she can have a shower whenever she wants." Which in essence he's saying: Nope My wife is lying. So this is the Dr. Phil show, but imagine this in real life and Joan came to you as a friend and said: My husband won't let me take a shower every day. You would kind of tilt your head and look at her strange and think that's weird, but I don't think it would be taken seriously ESPECIALLY when her husband then comes along and says: OH NO SHE CAN HAVE A SHOWER ANYTIME SHE WANTS. But this is just one detail.... I mean it could be the ORANGE JUICE thing with the other lady. I can relate to alot of the control things. I could probably list 50 equally as crazy in my own situations. I looked at places to live 2 months ago. And it is in the back of my mind. I have a job though so I have a normal 1/2 of my life too. I think I have energy to do something fun, but I don't have energy to do something hard. I remember one argument I had with my husband this has been awhile back like 8 years. It was a 4 hour arguement over a peanutbutter sandwich. I let my 6 year old make their own peanutbutter sandwich and he was mad. I had a baby that cried all the time and was holding him, and I supervised my other child: Put the peanutbutter on the bread, put the jelly on the other side and put them together. Can a 6 year old be allowed to do this? Well my punishment was 4 hours of arguing. On the otherhand: Jim and Joan's jealousy issue..... my husband is not jealous at all. We have discussed that for 10 minutes total in 15 years.

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doinokcg

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frustrated

October 6, 2005, 9:27 am PDT

Never Stay in an Abusive Relationship

Take it from me, if you are in a relationship with someone and that start out being abusive, they are going to stay that way. Don't blame yourself, it is them they have emotional issues they need help with and you can't help them unless they want to help themselves. Always love yourself, and always know when it is time to let go before it is too late. You might not wake up one day, or you may wake up not liking what you see looking back at you!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!!1

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tickedoff

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October 6, 2005, 10:06 am PDT

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

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mikbethan4

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October 6, 2005, 10:08 am PDT

i've too ended a 20yr relationship

Quote From: jmschoen

I've related to your story. I've too ended a 20 year relationship. I stayed in the relationship thinking that I was being over reactive to many of the situations. I knew that it wasn't normal - and so did my children. I wanted and believed that my relationship with my ex-husband would change...he would see how we we're hurting. I didn't want my children to come from a broken home. But I decided that the only thing I was doing for sure, was teaching my children how to take abuse. That's when things started to change for me. I was so emotionally unhappy - I wasn't there for my kids any more than my ex-husband, who was totally un-plugged from all of us. They needed to have one emotionally happy, healthy parent. Even it it meant there would only be one. I decided that my children would "unlearn" everything unhealthy that they had witnessed. I would be the one that would set the tone of what a normal healthy, happy house would be - and what a healthy, happy parent should be like. It's been a hard road - we still have moments that need to be addressed. We still have times that we have to realize that how we are reacting to a situation is because of our past family history. We still have intellect issues, esteem issues and issues of being abandoned emotionally and physically from someone that we trusted to nurture us. I'm happy that I can teach my children, by example, how a loving, nurturing, supportive and unconditional relationship with a parent/child/spouse/partner should be.

I also didn't want my children coming from a broken home. After 22yrs of marriage and 25yrs of being with this man i filed for divorce. I was emotionally and mentally abused. I found out about his 2nd affair Nov.2004. we were separated and going to marriage counseling for 6months the whole time he was living with the other woman.I decided enough was enough my children and i deserve better.He can abuse her now. I am trying to find myself again, he took so many things from me. I also stayed thinking he would change. In the end i was the only one who changed. I became afraid of everything. I wasn't the same person anymore i use to laugh and smile. I am taking my life back !! I WANT TO BE HAPPY. My children deserve 100% of my attention. I have a long hard road in front of me, i do believe it will be an easier road than staying with my husband. I pray everyday for strength and courage and i feel myself getting stronger.

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ibarratam

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Stressed

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October 6, 2005, 10:35 am PDT

husband thinks Dr. Phil is a fraud

after watching the Dr. Phil show today I had a MAJOR wake up call, everyone of the women on the show had some part of my life integrated into it, I kicked my husband out 2 weeks ago, I have tried to get help but to no avail, Dr. Phil this is the reason I go back everytime, because he is right I CAN"T make it on my own, I make to much money, or the goverment has taken all funding, one person even blamed it on Clinton!!! right now I am trying to fight the urge to have him come back into the home so I can pay my rent, and car payment. I know I know, he owes me child support and he has to take care of the children financially, so why hasn't he?? I went to the Child support offices, I have to be legally seperated or divorced before they can FORCE him to pay, great I have no MONEY for a lawyer!! I can't do a divorce on my own because there are children involved, I live in a small town with limited resources, I had one person suggest I move to a larger city 2 hours away because they had better resources, I do not think that is an option, I am trying to keep my childrens life as normal as possible, moving or having him in the home is not an option, so Dr. Phil how do I stay where I am at, keep my job, my children keep there security and still survive?? after seeing your show today I am so determined to not let him back in, but I need the support of the world to do so. the guy in the audiance at the end who's wife left him 4 months ago is doing exactly what my husband has been doing, begging me to come back, I commend him for changing, but Dr. Phil as you would say yourself it takes a 1000 atta boys to erase 1 negative comment. I recorded your show in the hopes he will watch it and understand, but he thinks you are a joke, or fraud... he read an enquirer article on you that justified this reasoning!!!

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Message Boards

Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Get out!

If you think you should leave, you need to!!!

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

stand up for yourself!!!!!!!!!

Think I Need To Get Out

Why Women don't Leave.....

Never Stay in an Abusive Relationship

Narcissistic Personality Disorder

i've too ended a 20yr relationship

husband thinks Dr. Phil is a fraud