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Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

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Created on : Friday, September 30, 2005, 03:38:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Imagine losing every freedom you've ever known: The freedom to drive where you want, see whom you want, buy what you want. Though Kathy and Elaine have never met, they share the common bond of being prisoners in their own relationships, trapped by abusive controlling husbands. Will they find the strength to leave? Then, Joan's husband is so controlling, he won't let her shower every day - and you'll never believe why. Plus, a former abuser seeks help for his ex-wife. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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October 6, 2005, 10:51 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

 
October 6, 2005, 11:01 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: ibarratam

after watching the Dr. Phil show today I had a MAJOR wake up call, everyone of the women on the show had some part of my life integrated into it, I kicked my husband out 2 weeks ago, I have tried to get help but to no avail, Dr. Phil this is the reason I go back everytime, because he is right I CAN"T make it on my own, I make to much money, or the goverment has taken all funding, one person even blamed it on Clinton!!! right now I am trying to fight the urge to have him come back into the home so I can pay my rent, and car payment. I know I know, he owes me child support and he has to take care of the children financially, so why hasn't he?? I went to the Child support offices, I have to be legally seperated or divorced before they can FORCE him to pay, great I have no MONEY for a  lawyer!! I can't do a divorce on my own because there are children involved, I live in a small town with limited resources, I had one person suggest I move to a larger city 2 hours away because they had better resources, I do not think that is an option, I am trying to keep my childrens life as normal as possible, moving or having him in the home is not an option, so Dr. Phil how do I stay where I am at, keep my job, my children keep there security and still survive?? after seeing your show today I am so determined to not let him back in, but I need the support of the world to do so. the guy in the audiance at the end who's wife left him 4 months ago is doing exactly what my husband has been doing, begging me to come back, I commend him for changing, but Dr. Phil as you would say yourself it takes a 1000 atta boys to erase 1 negative comment. I recorded your show in the hopes he will watch it and understand, but he thinks you are a joke, or fraud... he read an enquirer article on you that justified this reasoning!!! 

 Most (95%) divorce lawyers offer free consultations. Get one or even two or three. During my 1st divorce, I had NO MONEY either. My attorney got the judge to order my husband to pay my legal fees, and he did....he had no choice.I think that is the case in most states. I live in CT, don't know if it's the same where you live, but filing for legal separation or divorce freezes all assets (except money to pay the lawyers) and starts the ball rowling to possibly get you temporary alimony and child support. YOU DO HAVE RIGHTS!!!  Finding this out for yourself will make you feel more empowered.  Going it alone will not be easy, but find a way to bring in some money of your own. I taught myself how to cane chairs, and 3 years later I'm making descent money, and I can do it from home. Think of things you're good at, and like to do. Can you also make money doing it? It will empower you also, and make you feel sooo good about yourself. If taking that step to file for legal separation is too frightening, just think that what's ahead will just be more of the same.
 
October 6, 2005, 11:07 am CDT

Been there...you just leave....

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?

I was you once, sans the kids. I was arrogant enough to think I could fix someone that is an addict. My dad died and two days later I left my "boyfriend" of 7 years. You need to own the fact that you have allowed him to devistate you financially and emotionally because of your distorted belief that somehow you can change him -it took me six years to pay off what I owed as a result of his bad behaviour and along the way I was able to undo my co-dependent ways. I felt nothing when I left. I never looked back 

  

all I can tell you is that it's not a dramatic, big blowout ending. It just is. you are done being that person. You just pack your kids and go. You can replace everything except for your lives. Go stay with someone that you trust and seek full custody of your kids. If the court orders visitation, request that it be supervised since he is a using addict. You will know you are on the right track emotionally when you stop reflecting on what he did to upset your life and focus on what you did to allow things to be the way they are. by owning it, you release yourself of the guilt. 

  

I am eight years out from that horrible relationship. I married a wonderful man and have a marvelous life. In the last 8 years I have grown a lot, and learned that the only person you can change is yourself. I am a much better person today than I was 8 years ago. 

  

 
October 6, 2005, 11:33 am CDT

It doesn't get better

I know where these women are coming from.  I have been married for 15 years and I now hate every day.  My husband has never hit me and there are actually times that he is nice to me.  He makes good money and we have a fairly nice house and I have a new car to drive.  I don't work and I really do not know why.  I did work when we got married but was hurt at work and had to quit.  He demands attention as when he is home he wants me to sit with him while he watches television even if I do not want to see the show.  We never really do anything together except maybe go to eat.  He makes the money and gives me enough to pay the bills.  The checking account that pays the bills is the only one that my name is on.  My name is not on the savings accounts, the house, the cars as he works for the money and they belong to him.  If I tell him I need more money to buy groceries he says I either have to come up with the money or he will cut off the cable or internet so I have more money.  I am not lazy I work on my own but he seems to sabotage every effort I make.  He tells me to get a job so I can pay off the bills ( his bills).  I told him I would not pay on the house because he would not put my name on it and he says if he knew I felt that way he wants a divorce.  Last winter we had a leak in the furnace and got carbon monoxide in the house.  I called the fire dept when the alarm went off and they turned off the heat so we were without heat.  I called him to tell him about it and he got mad that it would be something else he would have to pay for.  I was upset that he was not worried about my safety.  I am at a crossroad.  I am 50 years old and will have to start over with absolutely nothing or stay and die unhappy.  A bad choice.
 
October 6, 2005, 11:41 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: marciek

I am married to a man that is verbally and  emotionally  abusive, and controlling.He has two faces though, the one he uses for friends and people at work, and the one he has for me. At one point about 15 yrs ago, he was physically abusive too. My mother in law is pretty much the same....hateful,manipulative and controlling. Over the years my husbands verbal abuse has gotten a little better. I have had the nerve to tell him a few times that he has crossed over the line....and I wouldn't take it. But it always comes back.

5 years ago I found out that his mother owns half our house...and I own nothing. Mind you, I knew she was on the deed, but I was told she only owned a small portion of the home, about 10%. A short explanation.....in 1985 (before I met him, she gave him money for the downpayment for his first home. She would only agree to do it, if he put her on the deed. So he did. Then I came into the picture. I moved in with him, married 3 yrs later, contributed the whole time with work, and money When we were building the house, he told me he had to put her on the deed again because he still owed her money. Told me that if I wanted my name on the deed I better plan on paying the mortgage. I made 900.00 a month....the mortgage was 1100.00. I said I couldn't afford it, so he said
"that's ok....you don't need your name on the house.....you'll be protected by the marriage". So, he and his mommy were on the deed. I have always contributed (Ihe makes 10 times what I make) and paid my own way.  Anyway , I find out she owns half the house......and here's the real kicker.....
she gets my house if my husband dies before her.  When he told me this I started to cry and said "but what about me, and , How did this happen".  He said "you have the life insurance, and if you don't knock it off  right now I'll take you off of that and then you will have absolutely nothing".  Then,
about 6 months later, my mother in law calls me (2 days after 9-11, and , she lives in NYC) and thereatens me saying "If anything ever happens to my son...you will have to live in an apartment because you will be poermitted to stay in MY house."   She has been totally paid back what my husband owed her, and she won't QC.  Also, she has never contributed a dime to this house. Not one dime. My husband refuses to take her to court, SCREAMING AT ME THAT "IT WOULD KILL HER".  I think he is a liar, and they did this on purpose.

He always makes me feel like a nothing, that nothing I do is of any value. That nothing I have done for the last 17 years has meant anything, and he never said a word to his mother about threateneing me. I have seen 2 different lawyers, a divorce lawyer, and a good real estate lawyer. I do have grounds for divorce, and to fight for half of the house. I am so fed up with these 2 Narcisstic people I cannot even tell you.  Oh, and like one of the gals on today's show......I fell down a flight of stairs in April and shattered my heel, tore all the ligaments in my ankle, and even now I need a crutch to walk at times. He has made me pay all the medical bills. Always make me pay whatever he can get me to pay for while he makes 93K a yr and saves 1K a month. One minute he's sweet and kind, the next I'm being screamed at for misplacing a tool. I am slowly saving money, have gained online access to a joint account, and am making plans to get out within  the year. I have a large dog and a cat, so finding a place to live will be tricky. And he and his witch of a mother will make the divorce hell, but, I think I have the law on my side. AT least I hope so.

I'm trying very hard to understand why you would stay in this situation.  From your post I cannot see one good thing you are receiving by being in this relationship.  No house or amount of money is worth the pain you are enduring on a daily basis. 

  

Many people in the world find places to live with pets...are you using this reason as an excuse?   

  

Even if you get out of your marriage with no money, it would still be the BEST money you ever lost because in the end you would gain the PEACE of mind that comes from being out of a very sick environment.  I do think you should actively go for what you deserve financially, but in the end do not let this determine your plan of action (do you live in a community property state?  If so, you should make out just fine).  You are worthy of better - it truly is better to be alone and happy than married and miserable.  And from what you've said, you're essentially alone anyway!  Really, could you possibly be more lonely than you are now?  I doubt it.  The very worst thing that could happen is that you would be just as lonely as you are today BUT  you would  be free of the daily CRAP that you endure right now.   

  

You need to remind yourself every day that this man and his mother DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIVES.  They really should lose the privelege of your company, your loyalty, and your consideration.  Tell them both that they blew it, you're out of here, and you don't plan to ever give them another thought for the rest of your days.  Then do it. 

  

I truly wish you luck.  For some reason your post really got to me.   

 
October 6, 2005, 11:42 am CDT

That was me....

Eight years ago, I filed for divorce from my emotionally abusive husband. He talked me into staying. He said that we could go to counseling and it would be OK. The only thing that our sessions did was to escalate his hostility. He threatened me with physical harm one night. After that I knew that for the sake of myself and my kids I had to get out. I filed for divorce. After he was told to leave, he would sleep outside my home in his van. I filed for a protective order, but because no prior incidents of abuse were on the records and because he is always so charming when in public, it was denied. Four years ago, I was granted my divorce, and it was the best move I have ever made. Please, get out. It is difficult at first, but well worth the effort. I have gone through some counseling and with that and what Dr. Phil has preached about "deal breakers" I am better.  

There are all kinds of people out here who understand and will support you.  

 
October 6, 2005, 11:45 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

I was looking over this site and saw the quiz on emotional abuse.  I realized that was me!  I was with a man for 2 years.  When we first met everything was great......he made me feel special, spent time with me and my child from a previous relationship.  I kept thinking this is what I have always searched for and now I have it.  Well, truth be told I didn't have anything.  It started off by him asking to help me pay off some bills I had gotten stuck with in my divorce.  I was very hesitant about letting him do it because it wasn't his responsibility.  He kept on me until I agreed.  How was I to know that this was the beginning of him holding things over my head.  It would start with him saying things like without me you are nothing.  And I started to believe that.  I wasn't having any luck finding employment and when I did find a job that I wanted to apply for he would say oh hold out you will find something better.  So I would.  Things would be fine one minute and then the next minute in his eyes I was a rotten mother, my child was worthless and not normal, I was nothing.  He started playing on the fact that I told him everything about my childhood and life.  He would throw things in my face that I told him in confidence like the fact that I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my father and that a friend of a family member molested me.  He made it so that I was cut off from my family members and started telling me they didn't care about me or my child.  I felt like I was trapped.  The worst part is after he does this and makes me cry, minutes later he will say oh it could be worse, at least you're safe here and no one is hurting me.  He is so wrong.  I have thought about ending it all several times.  At one point I even tried to slit my wrists.  He is right about the fact that if I leave things won't be easy.  I will have to work and live in government housing and probably be on assistance.  I would nothing more than to prove to him that I can do it all without him.  I know I deserve better.  I am so tired of crying almost everyday and hiding it from my child and family because I am embarrassed.  I just know that I need help doing this, I don't think I can do it alone. 

 
October 6, 2005, 11:50 am CDT

I understand

Quote From: gill1234

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
I don't consider my relationship with my husband as abusive except for the fact that he too is a drug addict--prescription pain killers.  He was clean when we first met 6 years ago--afterwe had been married about 10 months he started using again--major weed and pain killers. He graduated to using 30 vicodin Lortabs etc a day. He would fall asleep in the middle of a connverstaion.  We alsmost split two years ago because the drugs were making him very erratic and verbally abusive. I told him I was leaving.  He quit weed cold turley (cost of $1000/month) and swore to get treatment for the painkillers.  Well, he's stayed of the weed increased his cigar smoking ten fold and is now taking (just found out about this) roxenol /liquid morphine for "pain".  We spend little time together, have absolutely no sex life and haven't for almost a year., he won'tpay bills till the last minute and he constantly borrows money from me. it 's a second marriage --I was a sigle parent for 17 years before marrying him) All of our finances are separate--thank god my name is NOT on his home nor his on mine (both acquired before our marriage) I signed for a truck for him which thank god is NOW paid off--I sweated that out for 4 years).  My credit rating is outstanding and his is the pitts. I am so tired of it all--he spends money he doesn't have, sttarts projects and never finishes them, and I am worried about the future--I am 11 years his senior and will retire in 10 years--I can not support his addictive lifestyle.  After the first of the year I plan on trying to move to a small apt. near my job and call it quits.  He tries to say he takes medication because of pain--that no one questions diabetics taking their medication. What he fails to realize is he IS addicted and that is what causes his pain, impotence, lethargy and all his other little complaints.  I married the second time to have a partner who would do things with me--I am getting nothing out this marriage at this point so I will be leaving!  Good luck to you and your children!
 
October 6, 2005, 12:27 pm CDT

I stood up for myself too late

Hi,  I really advise these women to get out before it is too late.  I was with a very abusive and controlling man for 11years.  He beat me, he raped me, he accused me of cheating on him, he refused to give me money to help pay for the bills.  I worked 2 jobs to support my family while he couldn't keep a job longer than a few months.  He used to call me the most horrible names and I believed I was worthless.  My mother told me to chose between her and him.  I picked him.  I am blessed my mom didn't really mean it.  The relationship ended when I found my husband in my daughter's room getting ready to rape her again...he had been raping her almost every night for 4 years.  I didn't know because I was working so much to pay bills.  Unfortuanely, my children suffered for my inability to stand up for myself.     

Your children are being abused by your husbands.  They may not direct their anger at the children but the children are being affected.   Please get out now. 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:28 pm CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: pink1972

I was looking over this site and saw the quiz on emotional abuse.  I realized that was me!  I was with a man for 2 years.  When we first met everything was great......he made me feel special, spent time with me and my child from a previous relationship.  I kept thinking this is what I have always searched for and now I have it.  Well, truth be told I didn't have anything.  It started off by him asking to help me pay off some bills I had gotten stuck with in my divorce.  I was very hesitant about letting him do it because it wasn't his responsibility.  He kept on me until I agreed.  How was I to know that this was the beginning of him holding things over my head.  It would start with him saying things like without me you are nothing.  And I started to believe that.  I wasn't having any luck finding employment and when I did find a job that I wanted to apply for he would say oh hold out you will find something better.  So I would.  Things would be fine one minute and then the next minute in his eyes I was a rotten mother, my child was worthless and not normal, I was nothing.  He started playing on the fact that I told him everything about my childhood and life.  He would throw things in my face that I told him in confidence like the fact that I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my father and that a friend of a family member molested me.  He made it so that I was cut off from my family members and started telling me they didn't care about me or my child.  I felt like I was trapped.  The worst part is after he does this and makes me cry, minutes later he will say oh it could be worse, at least you're safe here and no one is hurting me.  He is so wrong.  I have thought about ending it all several times.  At one point I even tried to slit my wrists.  He is right about the fact that if I leave things won't be easy.  I will have to work and live in government housing and probably be on assistance.  I would nothing more than to prove to him that I can do it all without him.  I know I deserve better.  I am so tired of crying almost everyday and hiding it from my child and family because I am embarrassed.  I just know that I need help doing this, I don't think I can do it alone. 

Something you said caught my attention: 

  

"He is right about the fact that if I leave things won't be easy." 

  

Are things easy the way they are right now?   

Are you helping or harming your child by remaining in this relationship?   

Do you really believe you are "hiding" the situation from your child?  Do you really believe he/she can't distinguish loving/respectful from condescension/disrespect? 

  

Depending on your education/abilities, you may never become independently wealthy.  But you CAN make it on your own.  Help for women in your situation is out there.  You just need to seek it out.   

  

If you won't do it for yourself,  please do it for your child.  You are doing this little person no favors by remaining in this horrible situation.  Quite the contrary, you are modeling some very harmful behaviors for your extremely observant child.    Don't be surprised if your child grows up to think this situation is normal and expected, or worse, if your child someday behaves the way your boyfriend does. 

  

Please get out.  Reach out for help NOW.   You don't have to go through this alone.  There is no shame in accepting public assistance until you are back on your feet. 

  

And FOR GOD's SAKE don't do anything else to harm yourself.  What would become of your poor child?!  No matter what, your child is innocent and does not deserve to face life without a mother! 

 
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