Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

I was you once, sans the kids. I was arrogant enough to think I could fix someone that is an addict. My dad died and two days later I left my "boyfriend" of 7 years. You need to own the fact that you have allowed him to devistate you financially and emotionally because of your distorted belief that somehow you can change him -it took me six years to pay off what I owed as a result of his bad behaviour and along the way I was able to undo my co-dependent ways. I felt nothing when I left. I never looked back 

all I can tell you is that it's not a dramatic, big blowout ending. It just is. you are done being that person. You just pack your kids and go. You can replace everything except for your lives. Go stay with someone that you trust and seek full custody of your kids. If the court orders visitation, request that it be supervised since he is a using addict. You will know you are on the right track emotionally when you stop reflecting on what he did to upset your life and focus on what you did to allow things to be the way they are. by owning it, you release yourself of the guilt. 

I am eight years out from that horrible relationship. I married a wonderful man and have a marvelous life. In the last 8 years I have grown a lot, and learned that the only person you can change is yourself. I am a much better person today than I was 8 years ago. 

I'm trying very hard to understand why you would stay in this situation.  From your post I cannot see one good thing you are receiving by being in this relationship.  No house or amount of money is worth the pain you are enduring on a daily basis. 

Many people in the world find places to live with pets...are you using this reason as an excuse?   

Even if you get out of your marriage with no money, it would still be the BEST money you ever lost because in the end you would gain the PEACE of mind that comes from being out of a very sick environment.  I do think you should actively go for what you deserve financially, but in the end do not let this determine your plan of action (do you live in a community property state?  If so, you should make out just fine).  You are worthy of better - it truly is better to be alone and happy than married and miserable.  And from what you've said, you're essentially alone anyway!  Really, could you possibly be more lonely than you are now?  I doubt it.  The very worst thing that could happen is that you would be just as lonely as you are today BUT  you would  be free of the daily CRAP that you endure right now.   

You need to remind yourself every day that this man and his mother DO NOT DESERVE TO HAVE YOU IN THEIR LIVES.  They really should lose the privelege of your company, your loyalty, and your consideration.  Tell them both that they blew it, you're out of here, and you don't plan to ever give them another thought for the rest of your days.  Then do it. 

I truly wish you luck.  For some reason your post really got to me.   

Eight years ago, I filed for divorce from my emotionally abusive husband. He talked me into staying. He said that we could go to counseling and it would be OK. The only thing that our sessions did was to escalate his hostility. He threatened me with physical harm one night. After that I knew that for the sake of myself and my kids I had to get out. I filed for divorce. After he was told to leave, he would sleep outside my home in his van. I filed for a protective order, but because no prior incidents of abuse were on the records and because he is always so charming when in public, it was denied. Four years ago, I was granted my divorce, and it was the best move I have ever made. Please, get out. It is difficult at first, but well worth the effort. I have gone through some counseling and with that and what Dr. Phil has preached about "deal breakers" I am better.  

There are all kinds of people out here who understand and will support you.  

I was looking over this site and saw the quiz on emotional abuse.  I realized that was me!  I was with a man for 2 years.  When we first met everything was great......he made me feel special, spent time with me and my child from a previous relationship.  I kept thinking this is what I have always searched for and now I have it.  Well, truth be told I didn't have anything.  It started off by him asking to help me pay off some bills I had gotten stuck with in my divorce.  I was very hesitant about letting him do it because it wasn't his responsibility.  He kept on me until I agreed.  How was I to know that this was the beginning of him holding things over my head.  It would start with him saying things like without me you are nothing.  And I started to believe that.  I wasn't having any luck finding employment and when I did find a job that I wanted to apply for he would say oh hold out you will find something better.  So I would.  Things would be fine one minute and then the next minute in his eyes I was a rotten mother, my child was worthless and not normal, I was nothing.  He started playing on the fact that I told him everything about my childhood and life.  He would throw things in my face that I told him in confidence like the fact that I was abused physically and emotionally as a child by my father and that a friend of a family member molested me.  He made it so that I was cut off from my family members and started telling me they didn't care about me or my child.  I felt like I was trapped.  The worst part is after he does this and makes me cry, minutes later he will say oh it could be worse, at least you're safe here and no one is hurting me.  He is so wrong.  I have thought about ending it all several times.  At one point I even tried to slit my wrists.  He is right about the fact that if I leave things won't be easy.  I will have to work and live in government housing and probably be on assistance.  I would nothing more than to prove to him that I can do it all without him.  I know I deserve better.  I am so tired of crying almost everyday and hiding it from my child and family because I am embarrassed.  I just know that I need help doing this, I don't think I can do it alone. 

Hi,  I really advise these women to get out before it is too late.  I was with a very abusive and controlling man for 11years.  He beat me, he raped me, he accused me of cheating on him, he refused to give me money to help pay for the bills.  I worked 2 jobs to support my family while he couldn't keep a job longer than a few months.  He used to call me the most horrible names and I believed I was worthless.  My mother told me to chose between her and him.  I picked him.  I am blessed my mom didn't really mean it.  The relationship ended when I found my husband in my daughter's room getting ready to rape her again...he had been raping her almost every night for 4 years.  I didn't know because I was working so much to pay bills.  Unfortuanely, my children suffered for my inability to stand up for myself.     

Your children are being abused by your husbands.  They may not direct their anger at the children but the children are being affected.   Please get out now. 

Something you said caught my attention: 

"He is right about the fact that if I leave things won't be easy." 

Are things easy the way they are right now?   

Are you helping or harming your child by remaining in this relationship?   

Do you really believe you are "hiding" the situation from your child?  Do you really believe he/she can't distinguish loving/respectful from condescension/disrespect? 

Depending on your education/abilities, you may never become independently wealthy.  But you CAN make it on your own.  Help for women in your situation is out there.  You just need to seek it out.   

If you won't do it for yourself,  please do it for your child.  You are doing this little person no favors by remaining in this horrible situation.  Quite the contrary, you are modeling some very harmful behaviors for your extremely observant child.    Don't be surprised if your child grows up to think this situation is normal and expected, or worse, if your child someday behaves the way your boyfriend does. 

Please get out.  Reach out for help NOW.   You don't have to go through this alone.  There is no shame in accepting public assistance until you are back on your feet. 

And FOR GOD's SAKE don't do anything else to harm yourself.  What would become of your poor child?!  No matter what, your child is innocent and does not deserve to face life without a mother!