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Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Number of Replies: 452
New Messages This Week: 0
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Created on : Friday, September 30, 2005, 03:38:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Imagine losing every freedom you've ever known: The freedom to drive where you want, see whom you want, buy what you want. Though Kathy and Elaine have never met, they share the common bond of being prisoners in their own relationships, trapped by abusive controlling husbands. Will they find the strength to leave? Then, Joan's husband is so controlling, he won't let her shower every day - and you'll never believe why. Plus, a former abuser seeks help for his ex-wife. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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October 6, 2005, 12:31 pm CDT

Do whatever you have to do...

I got hit by a boyfriend once, in high school, and never again.  I just got married at 34, last weekend to a wonderful man who wouldn't think to try to control me.  The first step is to take responsibility for your life.  Once you are happy with who you are, you can then find and be with someone who will appreciate you.  I commend those that did leave those abusive husbands... and those that didn't ...yet...do it, life is too short to deal with someone that only cares about themsleves.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:35 pm CDT

I've been there

Watching even the first part of today's show brought back memories. I was in a verbally abusive marriage only 5 short years ago. I was miserable, confused, scared and I felt horribly alone. I remember being happiest when I was at work (of all things!) because it was the only time I was even remotely myself - the person I really am. I would leave work and go home.... before I reached the door my fisrt thoughts were always "what mood is he in today? what might I have done wrong? how do I need to beahve?" All VERY unhealthy questions to be asking ones' self before entering your own home. I knew deep down I was miserable and that this could not go on. I knew I had to do something and like SO many women I just could not muster up the courage to do anything. I thought it would get better - I thought he would change. Well, leopards do not change their spots. Then 9/11 hit and while I was fortunate not to have lost anyone I cherished - it was a major turning point for me. All I could think of that day was how much I wanted to just hug everyone I loved and tell them how much they meant to me. It reminded me - life to TOO short. I went to my husband's place of work where he had not started yet and was just sitting down. I was emotional. I threw my arms around him and told him I loved him - he practically threw me away and told me I was ridiculous and not to be so dumb. That was my defining moment. Within two weeks I had packed up all my stuff and told him to his face "I'm leaving you and I am never coming back - I deserve more. I deserve respect and I deserve happiness". That was just over four years ago and I tell you - pulling my car out of that driveway for the last time was the single greatest relief of my life. Literally within seconds I felt like a whole new person. I felt happy. I felt in control. And for the first time in a long time, I felt like my life was my own. It was exciting and scary at the same time - imagine your life being a blank chalkboard and you holding the chalk. I cannot fully articulate what a sensation it was. I have never looked back, never regretted my decision. When I look back on those days, I don't even recognize who that person is anymore. Its not an easy thing to do and I think everyone needs to do what's best for themselves but abuse of any kind does not need to be tolerated. We are all responsible for our own lives. I have not only taken responsibility for my own life but I have also accepted partial responsibility  for being in an abusive relationship - its not all his fault. I'm responsible for my own feelings and how I let others affect me. I chose on some level to put up with his abuse, I chose on some level not to stand up for myself, I chose to let fear overrule my heart, my gut and common sense. I will not allow that to happen again. I am strong. I share my story only to say, you are not alone - there are too many of us who understand what you're going through and many of us have succesfully left and are living significantly better, happier lives with love, respect and committment - you can too.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:36 pm CDT

I Understand

I understand fully. I was phyiscal and mental abusive marriage. I did not think I could do it. But I 'm living proof that it can be done. I' m raising three boys on mine own. Kathy and to the guest it can be don. If ever want to talk  you ll cane-mail at rmcclintock@lowcountry,com
 
October 6, 2005, 12:36 pm CDT

Thank You For Helping These Women, Dr Phil!!!!

Dr Phil & Staff--  

  

Thank you SO much for helping women like that!!  The stories were horrible to watch, but I am SO thankful that you would be so honest, blunt, and helpful to them.  The fact that you guys even search out apartments for them... it's so touching to my heart.  Thanks for being there for people like that who need help!!!!!!!!!!!!  

  

  

  

  

 
October 6, 2005, 12:38 pm CDT

Sister-in-law

I am very fortunate to not be in the situation that the women on today's show are or have been. I am blessed with a wonderful husband. It is my husband's sister I am concerned about. She is in a controlling marriage. Her husband is always telling her she is fat, ugly, doesn't do enough, spends too much. He has good moments but they are so rare, they might as well be non-existent. My sister-in-law knows the rest of the family is well aware of what goes on in their household. We fear for her own emotional well being and that of our nephew..fear that he will grow up thinking that this is an okay way to treat a wife. We have tried to talk to her about this in the past, but we get blown off...she actually makes excuses and sticks up for him. How can we give her the wake up call she needs? Up to this point, we haven't "rocked the boat" because of the retaliation we feared she and our nephew would get from him.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:39 pm CDT

You can survive without him

I am watching Dr. Phil as I write this.  I was in a verbally and mentally abusive marriage for 13 years when he finally decided to leave me.  He was very controling with the money told me I was fat and i even gave him 3 beatiful children. I then got involved with a man about 3 months later.  Met him at my daughter;'s dance studio who would have thought he was a bad guy he was helping out a friend driving thier daughter to class.  Well he turned out to be very violent tampered with birth control so that he could get me pregnant that way he figured i wouldnt leave him.  Long story nshort my 3 older kids went to live with my x husband and I decided I needed to get out of this physically abusive relationship he had told me if I tried to leave I wasnt taking his baby with he'd cut it out of me 1st. Finally on Labor day of '99 things all fell into place he beat me up with a baseball bat (i was 8 months pregnant at the time) had previously held a loaded shotgun to my head which my oldest daught witnessed and still 7 years later sometimes has nitemares about it even with all the couseling she has gone though I convinced him my water had broke and he took me to the hospital and the rest fell into palce i had him arrested and he ended up getting a minimum of 9 years a max of 12 in prison . Later found out that he had several women who had restraning orders on him.  I am now rasing my son by myself he will be 6 this month (wouldnt trade him for the world) and on top of it all at the age of 2 he was diognosed with a form of autism.  All I know is a woman can do it even thought they think they cant I did.  I made sure i used the resources in my county for battered women and got the counseling i needed and it made all the difference.  I still struggle financially but we do ok and that is better than living in fear and control.  I want to be able to help women realize they can do it and need to.  Since all this I have also learned what it was like to be in a healthy loving relationship beleive it or not there are soem men out there that will treat you right.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:40 pm CDT

I thought I was out, but I'm not...

In listening to Dr. Phil's show today, it really has hit home. These women, although my case wasn't as severe, were me several years ago. I divorced my husband and got out and started a new life. I worked on my self esteem because I knew I had too in order to make things different for my daughter. I went on to remarry and have three additional children, but I'm still being controlled by my ex-husband through our daughter. I've looked, even begged for ways out, but I truly believe he's sick and I feel I can't get out unless I leave my little girl, which I'm not willing to do. I've written to Dr. Phil before about our situation but never gotten a reply....I just wish I could find someone that would help me, my daughter and my family. I feel imprisoned by my ex-husband and his sick antics. The legal system has only protected, even encouraged him. If anyone knows of a way to help, you can email me. Otherwise, I feel pretty hopeless at this point. We take things day to day, sometimes hour to hour. We wait for the day we can have peace.
 
October 6, 2005, 12:41 pm CDT

Me too

I am watching the show on verbal abuse and man did it sound like me.  I had to write and thank you Dr. Phil for finally having a show on this topic.  I've lived it for over 26 years and we separated twice but due to health I went back the second time.  He has two faces, the nice kind gentle man to others and the mean nasty man to me and the kids.  We have two grown kids who are 27 and 20 and both show some signs of taking after him, and I am trying really hard to help them not be.  They both hate their own dad and that is so sad.  I am still here, but after having Gastric Bypass and getting on my feet again, I will be leaving if big changes don't happen.  He is the kind of man who has his food, his drinks and his own silver ware and dishes and they better be clean when he needs them.  I had no self esteem when I left the first time, but I am not taking it anymore and I am not in love with the man anymore.  I would have probably left sooner, but, the surgery is covered by his insurance and I need the surgery to live.  I'm much stronger today but stil afraid to leave, but my kids keep me grounded and tell me they will be there for me.  I guess I am lucky they turned out as good as they did. 

  

Thank you again, 

Linda 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:43 pm CDT

I'm Still there

     I'm still with my abusive husband. He's been verbally abusive, He's been mentally abusive. I get called every nasty name that you can think of. I would love to leave but I'm afraid too. I have no job. We tried getting help but my husband always walks out. I do sometimes wonder what he whould do in front of Dr. Phil...
 
October 6, 2005, 12:48 pm CDT

Leave them Leave them Leave them!!!

The show will be on here in 10 minutes, but after reading the response I can not stress enough that you ladies need to leave these abuse situations!!!  I know from experience that the great unknown seems scarier than what you are living in but believe me, trust me, it is far better than what you are going through now. 

  

He'll say: You can't leave me nobody will want you......someone will, if that's even what YOU want. 

He'll say: No one will treat you like I do, well thank God for that 

He'll say: You can't make it on your own...Yes you can. 

  

Please anyone reading this who is in an abusive relationship, get yourself into counseling and get out of that persons life. 

 
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