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Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Number of Replies: 452
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Created on : Friday, September 30, 2005, 03:38:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Imagine losing every freedom you've ever known: The freedom to drive where you want, see whom you want, buy what you want. Though Kathy and Elaine have never met, they share the common bond of being prisoners in their own relationships, trapped by abusive controlling husbands. Will they find the strength to leave? Then, Joan's husband is so controlling, he won't let her shower every day - and you'll never believe why. Plus, a former abuser seeks help for his ex-wife. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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October 6, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

From the child standpoint

I come from a home where my dad was spiritually abusive. There were many times that I would wake up and find my mother in tears or cutting her hair because she wasn't worthy to have long hair. My mom was so burned emotionally and spiritually that I am amazed how she is still so in love with Jesus. Now, I am dealing with that spiritual abuse and seeing it for what it really is because my dad put me in a situation and tried to make me go his way by, again, using God and scripture. I can tell you that when you leave a situation where abuse is going on, it is worth it. When my mom finally left, it was just her, me, and my brother but we were happy. The stress was gone. We were happy. We had absolutely nothing but we were happy. We made it. By God's grace, we made it. To those that are in abuse, you aren't alone. You can make it and I can tell you that from a child's standpoint, making that move is so worth it. 

I pray for all of you that are in such a situation. 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

It's not hopeless

Quote From: mdkrmom

In listening to Dr. Phil's show today, it really has hit home. These women, although my case wasn't as severe, were me several years ago. I divorced my husband and got out and started a new life. I worked on my self esteem because I knew I had too in order to make things different for my daughter. I went on to remarry and have three additional children, but I'm still being controlled by my ex-husband through our daughter. I've looked, even begged for ways out, but I truly believe he's sick and I feel I can't get out unless I leave my little girl, which I'm not willing to do. I've written to Dr. Phil before about our situation but never gotten a reply....I just wish I could find someone that would help me, my daughter and my family. I feel imprisoned by my ex-husband and his sick antics. The legal system has only protected, even encouraged him. If anyone knows of a way to help, you can email me. Otherwise, I feel pretty hopeless at this point. We take things day to day, sometimes hour to hour. We wait for the day we can have peace.

You need to tap into the resources you have availible in your area for women who have been abused. Verbal and mental abuse is far more damaging than physical (providing you get out it alive) How old is your daughter she needs to have counseling as well as you.  It is hard to take back that control I find sometimes my x husband can still make me feel inferior and then i get mad at myself but I have come a long way andd i Owe that to my strong will do do better for myself.  I have 2 teen daughters now and i am always telling them what to watch for and never let someone control them they have their own opinions and thoughts of course I think I created monsters lol they r very verbal and opinionated but hopefullly they will never do what i did that they will learn to have a healthy relationship with a man in their life. 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

GEt out!

Quote From: butterbean

You're never on a dead end road. 

Why do you say that if you left and he straightened up you could never return again?  

Please think about your two beautiful boys. They are no dummies. No matter how young they  may be, they certainly know a great deal of what is going on. If the authorities came to your home and found drugs, those children could be taken from YOU. That's a scary thought and in essence you are contributing to that possibility by living with an addict. Please don't let him take down the whole ship that is your family. I know that you are probably in a place where you're numb to your own feelings but I guarantee that you have plenty of feelings for your children. Please think about doing what you need to do for their sake. Flash forward to your boys being grown. Will they really have had a happy childhood with an addicted father? Will they themselves become addicts? Will they treat women poorly because that is the life example they have had? Do you feel guilty because you think that a flawed father is better than no father on the scene for them at all? I know that I used to think that when my boys were little. I thought that I didn't want my kids to be statistics coming from a broken home. My ex-husband was an addict as well, he drank himself into rages and I was stupid to think that my children didn't notice or that I managed to hide it from them or protect them from it. They knew.  

Maybe you could go to a counseling group for spouses of addicts. I'll bet that Narc A Non or one of those organizations has that type of group.  

Please, please, get out.  I know that there probably aren't very many people who would say it so bluntly, but I've been where you are.  I know what you go through.  The constant drama, the continual insecurity, never knowing what he will be like when you walk through that door.  Imagine what it is doing to those 2 sweet boys! 

  

I stayed for 8 years because I thought if he didn't hit me, I wasn't being abused.  There isn't a name he didn't call me, there isn't a day he didn't destroy, there is nothing that was sacred or precious, not even the children.  When he finally crossed the line and kicked me, I left.  It wasn't easy.  No money, no one believed me because all our friends and family thought he was wonderful.  I got through one day at a time with prayer and resolve.  Want to know why?  My 3 year old daughter's word the day after we left...."Mommy?  I really love daddy, but isn't it nice not to live with him?  I hope we never go back."  That's the moment I realized that what I thought I was going through and dealing with, was really what my 2 lovely DAUGHTERS were going through and dealing with!  And it wasn't fair to me, and especially to them.  It was a long road....throughout the year after leaving him, he beat me several times, ultimately losing complete control and almost killing me.  22 root canals, 9 eye surgeries because he tore 3 holes in the retina in my eye, permanent hip damage, and 2 damaged discs.  Would I do it again?  in a Heartbeat!  Even all of that is well worth the freedom, joy and peace we all have.  My oldest daughter is happily married to a gentle sweet man, in grad school and doing great.  My second is in her first year of college and thriving, and I found a gentle, loving man who hasn't even raised his voice to me in 9 years.  He calls me beautiful, tells me I'm intelligent, and the best thing that ever happened to him.  I spent 5 years on my own, learning who I was and going through counseling.  Hard days came, no food, no $.  But every day that was hard, was still so much better than the best day with my abuser.  Every day, I was grateful to be able to make choices, love my children and provide them with a stable loving environment, and work towards repairing the damage he incurrred.   

  

No matter how it works out, you have to know that it really is better on the other side.  But you need support.  It's dangerous.  No one tells you that you are more likely to be killed after you leave than if you stay.  (think Nichole/OJ Simpson)    Live with someone big and strong!  Find support.  Get help and education, counseling, whatever it takes.  What you, and every other abused woman has, is not worth it, when you stay in that sick situation.  Happiness, joy, love, peace, it's all possible, but not with someone who thinks he can, and should, control every move you make.   

  

Pray, go to the abuse center in your town, reach out for help, and then take the step.  You think it's the hardest thing to do, but you will look back one day and find that it was the best thing in the world.  But don't leave yourself and your children in danger!  Forget material things, walk away and stay in a shelter, or live with your parents, whatever it takes.  Protect yourself and your children!  Good luck, Erin 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:52 pm CDT

Standing up to family

I haven't been able to see this show yet since it doesn't come on til 5 here. But I have recently taken a stand for myself and my family. My sister has always screamed, yelled and hit to get her way with my mom and dad. She is very emotionally abusive to my whole family and has even hit my parents on several occasions. When she found out I was pregnant she went nuts. My mother was in the hospital and my husband and I were staying at her house while we waited for our house to become available. On my husband's birthday she went nuts screaming at him. When I came in the room she went off on me screaming that my child was a bastard, a bad idea, and I needed to abort. Some words were said and she tried to attack me by jumping with her feet out. Luckily my husband's friend had came over before this all started. He caught her in midairwith her feet being inches away from me. She went on to scream that she didn't care if she did kick my stomach because we were going to be bad parents and our child was nothing but a bastard. To say the least I couldn't deal being around her anymore. I didn't want to take the chance of her having another fit. She still has never apologized. She goes around to my family members saying I made it all up and that my husband tried to attack her. I tried to work things out after she had a miscarriage but she verbally attacked me again. Saying I was a liar and that I just did all this to kick her out of my family. My whole family is against me and thinks I should forgive her now that she has had a miscarriage. I just don't think she is a good influence to have around my daughter since she still has been attacking my parents emotionally. I love to please everyone but this is the first time I have taken a stand. It's not even for myself, it's for my daughter. Am I wrong?
 
October 6, 2005, 12:53 pm CDT

Abuse

I got married when I was 17 to my "soulmate" to my "best friend" and all through our relationship he never was mean or said a nasty word to me.  I know now that 17 is too young to be married and at that time I didn't.  I was having trouble at home and when he said he was going to Germany with the Army and that he wanted me to go with him I was convinced that this would be great.  He was my night in shining armour, we had a great wedding and it all ended when I got to Germany a few months after he left.  We had to wait for the paperwork from the government for them to send me to follow him. 

  

As soon as I got there he started.  The name calling, putting down everything I did and making fun of everything I said.  When we were out with his buddies he would recreate our sexual activities to them and made jokes of things I said and did.  I was always the bunt of his jokes and I found out early not to argue with him because I would get a smack across the face or he would push me down and stomp on me or kick me in the stomach.  After a while he got tired of me going out with him and would not come home for days, especially after he got his check (which was monthly).  When he did come home he would be drunk (usually) and ask me why his dinner wasn't hot and waiting for him.  The first time I said you haven't been home for days what do you expect?? he proceeded to drag me out of bed and threw me all over the apartment, kicking and punching me.  I learned to keep my mouth shut and that didn't always help either.  One time while I was pregnant he came home from one of his nights out and got mad because of something that I don't remember now, but he pulled me out of bed  and started beating me.  I told him to be careful that I was pregnant and then he started kicking me in the gut.  I was in pain for three days from that and then one day I had a miscarriage (I was 5 months pregnant).  During this time he made me cook and clean and said I was just being a baby and being lazy. 

  

This is just a small portion of the things I went through and it was just the first 18 months of our marriage.  I know how these women feel and if you can get them to leave these animals do it.  Push, try harder, it will NOT get better no matter what they think.  I get so angry when I hear about this, I have many stories.  I went through it for years before getting out of it.  I won't go through it here because I want to get this to you before the show ends but I will tell more if these women need to hear more. 

  

I was sure of myself before marrying this animal and he made me feel like a piece of garbage on the bottom his shoe.  I was so down I tried to kill myself and no one even knew.  I was out of my mind with the grief of what he did to me and the death of the man (or little boy at 19 I guess) that I knew, he was not the same person.  I hurt all over mentally as well because the girl I used to be died and will never be there again.  She died because she does not trust anymore, she wanted so much to believe in the forever after fairy tale.  That never happened.  This affected all my relationships becasue it took so long to get through this short period of my life.  They need to get out asap. 

  

God bless, 

Linda 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:53 pm CDT

Get out as soon as you can

I am so sad for this woman. I lived with a boyfriend for 5 years who was exactly like her husband. He would check my clothes when I got home for smell too! I had to stop wearing makeup, getting nicely dressed - because it was all "for someother guy" according to him. He controlled everything about my life, including my family. He didn't want anyone to be close to me.   He was always accusing me of cheating on him....well I later found out that he was cheating on me! With some bartender where he hung out (I, of course, was not allowed to hang out at bars with my friends).  I promise you that once you leave, life gets so much better! It took a lot of courage...and support of friends and family but the day I left...."A Touch of Grey" by Greatful Dead was on the radio...."I will survive...I will get by" and I did and am now happily married to a man for 7 years, have 2 great kids and life is wonderful.  Please...get help, get support and get out! 

 
October 6, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

Child's opinion on this...

My Mother had actually been in an abusive relationship which came with the concerns of most of the people on the show today.  I'm basically writing to give my opinion, seeings as I grew up with 18 years of this going on, being witness to, and being subjected to the abuse myself. 

  

Four years ago, my parents divorced.  And to be honest, it was the happiest day of my life.  I have a lot of resentment towards my Mother for staying in the relationship, and a lot of resentment towards my Father for the way in which he treated my Mother and I.  I'm 22 years old now, and I fully admit that I am dysfunctional when it comes to my own relationships, I don't view marriage as something that should be done, I'm absolutely terrified of committment for fear that it will end up the way in which my parents marriage did, and for the most part - I hold an extremel level of anger towards both of my parents. 

  

I'm trying to have a healthy relationship with my Mother, but it's no longer a Mother-Daughter relationship, more of just a chit-chat partner.  I struggle to hold any form of relationship with my Father, seeings as I still have the feeling of the need to walk on eggshells while I'm in the presence of him.  I honestly don't know whether or not I will ever be able to have a good relationship with either one of my parents now.  I went through extreme rebellion, to which is now going to hound myself for the rest of my life, just for trying to cry for help. 

  

To anyone that is in an abusive situation which children involved, my advice is that for the sake of your children - remove them from the situation whether you're leaving with them or not.  I'm trying to deal with 18 years of just witnessing the abuse (as well as some directed towards myself), and even four years later - I still dread the nightmares which come daily, I have a distorted view of what a healthy relationship should be, and I don't know how to function in a "normal" loving/caring family.  At 22 years old, I should be looking forward towards my own marriage and starting my own family.  Instead, I'm terrified to even consider this possibility due to the fact that I don't know how to function in a marraige due to the lack of example of a healthy marriage from my parents.  As far as starting a family is concerned, I can't see that as being a possibilty until the day comes which I can learn how to be part of a healthy relationship, and lead by example of what a healthy family life is like for my children. 

  

I admit, I'm a mental mess when it comes to the topic of family and what the "ideal" should be.  I realize that it's not something which is an easy task to leave a person who is abusive emotionally and mentally - but for the sake of your own sanity as well as any children in the situation, try and leave. 

 
October 6, 2005, 1:01 pm CDT

wow that was a wake up call

Gosh this story hits so close to home right now. I could not believe when i turned on the tv that I saw myself sitting on that stage.  My name is Cassie. I'm 20 years old and I've been married almost a year. We have a 14 month old daughter who happens to be the greatest thing thats ever happen to me. Before we got married, our relationship was all about steps-- I moved in with him when i was 17, got engaged right before i turned 18, got pregnant 2 months later, got married at 19 and now im kicking myself for losing who I really was. He reminds me daily that I'm not good enough, the house isnt clean enough, I"m not smart enough. He controls me with money. I have 3.52 cents to my name. That is supposed to pay for gas, groceries, our daughter's bills, everything. While with me having nothing, he has a wallet full of money. He always told me -- you dont have to work- i'll take care of you.. so i was a housewife who gave every bit of money that I owned to this man. Now, i have nothing and i cant do it anymore. The only way i used to get any money from him was to 'perform". I know thats a bit graphic but-- i might as well be honest--cuz its taken me this long to get honest with myself. He says horrible things about my family....he constantly accuses me of cheating. Yes i deserve to be accused---when we split up *after him acting a little bit too friendly with a few girls and me catching him lying about it* i ran to the first man who showed me any kind of love. He wont take responsibility for one bit of hurt.. its always my fault---i brought it upon myself... I'm now to the point of hurt where im numb.. and i try to leave and he makes sure i cant---such as cleans out the bank account--changes the account so i cant touch it-- so i cant pay for a lawyer to end this hurt that just makes me physically ill.. i never realized how much i had lost myself.. i used to be the most independent, active in every organization around, confident woman.. now i feel --- like im thin enough, im not pretty enough. why would anyone ever love me... i hope ya'll dont mind me venting on you.. my heart is just breaking... i saw those women up there and i saw myself... and i wish that i had friends and someone so influential in my life.. such as doctor phil... to save me... but until then.. i'll still be here.. thanks for listening... it means a lot to me...
 
October 6, 2005, 1:05 pm CDT

The courage doesn't end

After 9 years of marriage I finally found the courage to leave a marriage that was controlling and abusive.  I had been told for 11 years that I would have everything I wanted if I stayed with him.  The last year it got to the point where I was being told that I was nothing without him and I was called every name in the book, (the worst was the c... word).  After one failed attempt to leave the marriage (I was told if I left I would never see my two boys again), I accepted the fact that I was stuck.  One year later I did leave, with 3 little boys and a whole lot of courage.  He told me that since I left him he would get me back, for the rest of my life.  I didn't know at the time how he could get revenge.   After 3 1/2 years of being divorced, I have been back in court twice.  The first was over getting child support reduced.  This time he's gone as far as to attack me as a mother by saying I don't take care of my children.  (They are my life, my joys.  I never knew that someone attacking you as a mother could hurt to badly.)  Now I'm being sued for custody.  He has told me that he doesn't want to pay child support anymore.  My court hearing was in May, it has now been 5 months, with no decision yet.     I can't say I'm a domestic violence survivor, because I'm still being abused.  Unfortunately, my ex figured out a new way to abuse.  Courage is something I have to have everyday.   Diane 

 
October 6, 2005, 1:06 pm CDT

LIFE IS TOO SHORT

why do men think that they can do women like this?  i only watch 5 mins. of the show and i was sick, these women are so pitiful. 

please get out, you can make it  without them, at least do it for your kids 

good luck and god bless 

 
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