Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

I come from a home where my dad was spiritually abusive. There were many times that I would wake up and find my mother in tears or cutting her hair because she wasn't worthy to have long hair. My mom was so burned emotionally and spiritually that I am amazed how she is still so in love with Jesus. Now, I am dealing with that spiritual abuse and seeing it for what it really is because my dad put me in a situation and tried to make me go his way by, again, using God and scripture. I can tell you that when you leave a situation where abuse is going on, it is worth it. When my mom finally left, it was just her, me, and my brother but we were happy. The stress was gone. We were happy. We had absolutely nothing but we were happy. We made it. By God's grace, we made it. To those that are in abuse, you aren't alone. You can make it and I can tell you that from a child's standpoint, making that move is so worth it. 

I pray for all of you that are in such a situation. 

You need to tap into the resources you have availible in your area for women who have been abused. Verbal and mental abuse is far more damaging than physical (providing you get out it alive) How old is your daughter she needs to have counseling as well as you.  It is hard to take back that control I find sometimes my x husband can still make me feel inferior and then i get mad at myself but I have come a long way andd i Owe that to my strong will do do better for myself.  I have 2 teen daughters now and i am always telling them what to watch for and never let someone control them they have their own opinions and thoughts of course I think I created monsters lol they r very verbal and opinionated but hopefullly they will never do what i did that they will learn to have a healthy relationship with a man in their life. 

Please, please, get out.  I know that there probably aren't very many people who would say it so bluntly, but I've been where you are.  I know what you go through.  The constant drama, the continual insecurity, never knowing what he will be like when you walk through that door.  Imagine what it is doing to those 2 sweet boys! 

I stayed for 8 years because I thought if he didn't hit me, I wasn't being abused.  There isn't a name he didn't call me, there isn't a day he didn't destroy, there is nothing that was sacred or precious, not even the children.  When he finally crossed the line and kicked me, I left.  It wasn't easy.  No money, no one believed me because all our friends and family thought he was wonderful.  I got through one day at a time with prayer and resolve.  Want to know why?  My 3 year old daughter's word the day after we left...."Mommy?  I really love daddy, but isn't it nice not to live with him?  I hope we never go back."  That's the moment I realized that what I thought I was going through and dealing with, was really what my 2 lovely DAUGHTERS were going through and dealing with!  And it wasn't fair to me, and especially to them.  It was a long road....throughout the year after leaving him, he beat me several times, ultimately losing complete control and almost killing me.  22 root canals, 9 eye surgeries because he tore 3 holes in the retina in my eye, permanent hip damage, and 2 damaged discs.  Would I do it again?  in a Heartbeat!  Even all of that is well worth the freedom, joy and peace we all have.  My oldest daughter is happily married to a gentle sweet man, in grad school and doing great.  My second is in her first year of college and thriving, and I found a gentle, loving man who hasn't even raised his voice to me in 9 years.  He calls me beautiful, tells me I'm intelligent, and the best thing that ever happened to him.  I spent 5 years on my own, learning who I was and going through counseling.  Hard days came, no food, no $.  But every day that was hard, was still so much better than the best day with my abuser.  Every day, I was grateful to be able to make choices, love my children and provide them with a stable loving environment, and work towards repairing the damage he incurrred.   

No matter how it works out, you have to know that it really is better on the other side.  But you need support.  It's dangerous.  No one tells you that you are more likely to be killed after you leave than if you stay.  (think Nichole/OJ Simpson)    Live with someone big and strong!  Find support.  Get help and education, counseling, whatever it takes.  What you, and every other abused woman has, is not worth it, when you stay in that sick situation.  Happiness, joy, love, peace, it's all possible, but not with someone who thinks he can, and should, control every move you make.   

Pray, go to the abuse center in your town, reach out for help, and then take the step.  You think it's the hardest thing to do, but you will look back one day and find that it was the best thing in the world.  But don't leave yourself and your children in danger!  Forget material things, walk away and stay in a shelter, or live with your parents, whatever it takes.  Protect yourself and your children!  Good luck, Erin 

I got married when I was 17 to my "soulmate" to my "best friend" and all through our relationship he never was mean or said a nasty word to me.  I know now that 17 is too young to be married and at that time I didn't.  I was having trouble at home and when he said he was going to Germany with the Army and that he wanted me to go with him I was convinced that this would be great.  He was my night in shining armour, we had a great wedding and it all ended when I got to Germany a few months after he left.  We had to wait for the paperwork from the government for them to send me to follow him. 

As soon as I got there he started.  The name calling, putting down everything I did and making fun of everything I said.  When we were out with his buddies he would recreate our sexual activities to them and made jokes of things I said and did.  I was always the bunt of his jokes and I found out early not to argue with him because I would get a smack across the face or he would push me down and stomp on me or kick me in the stomach.  After a while he got tired of me going out with him and would not come home for days, especially after he got his check (which was monthly).  When he did come home he would be drunk (usually) and ask me why his dinner wasn't hot and waiting for him.  The first time I said you haven't been home for days what do you expect?? he proceeded to drag me out of bed and threw me all over the apartment, kicking and punching me.  I learned to keep my mouth shut and that didn't always help either.  One time while I was pregnant he came home from one of his nights out and got mad because of something that I don't remember now, but he pulled me out of bed  and started beating me.  I told him to be careful that I was pregnant and then he started kicking me in the gut.  I was in pain for three days from that and then one day I had a miscarriage (I was 5 months pregnant).  During this time he made me cook and clean and said I was just being a baby and being lazy. 

This is just a small portion of the things I went through and it was just the first 18 months of our marriage.  I know how these women feel and if you can get them to leave these animals do it.  Push, try harder, it will NOT get better no matter what they think.  I get so angry when I hear about this, I have many stories.  I went through it for years before getting out of it.  I won't go through it here because I want to get this to you before the show ends but I will tell more if these women need to hear more. 

I was sure of myself before marrying this animal and he made me feel like a piece of garbage on the bottom his shoe.  I was so down I tried to kill myself and no one even knew.  I was out of my mind with the grief of what he did to me and the death of the man (or little boy at 19 I guess) that I knew, he was not the same person.  I hurt all over mentally as well because the girl I used to be died and will never be there again.  She died because she does not trust anymore, she wanted so much to believe in the forever after fairy tale.  That never happened.  This affected all my relationships becasue it took so long to get through this short period of my life.  They need to get out asap. 

God bless, 

Linda 

I am so sad for this woman. I lived with a boyfriend for 5 years who was exactly like her husband. He would check my clothes when I got home for smell too! I had to stop wearing makeup, getting nicely dressed - because it was all "for someother guy" according to him. He controlled everything about my life, including my family. He didn't want anyone to be close to me.   He was always accusing me of cheating on him....well I later found out that he was cheating on me! With some bartender where he hung out (I, of course, was not allowed to hang out at bars with my friends).  I promise you that once you leave, life gets so much better! It took a lot of courage...and support of friends and family but the day I left...."A Touch of Grey" by Greatful Dead was on the radio...."I will survive...I will get by" and I did and am now happily married to a man for 7 years, have 2 great kids and life is wonderful.  Please...get help, get support and get out! 

My Mother had actually been in an abusive relationship which came with the concerns of most of the people on the show today.  I'm basically writing to give my opinion, seeings as I grew up with 18 years of this going on, being witness to, and being subjected to the abuse myself. 

Four years ago, my parents divorced.  And to be honest, it was the happiest day of my life.  I have a lot of resentment towards my Mother for staying in the relationship, and a lot of resentment towards my Father for the way in which he treated my Mother and I.  I'm 22 years old now, and I fully admit that I am dysfunctional when it comes to my own relationships, I don't view marriage as something that should be done, I'm absolutely terrified of committment for fear that it will end up the way in which my parents marriage did, and for the most part - I hold an extremel level of anger towards both of my parents. 

I'm trying to have a healthy relationship with my Mother, but it's no longer a Mother-Daughter relationship, more of just a chit-chat partner.  I struggle to hold any form of relationship with my Father, seeings as I still have the feeling of the need to walk on eggshells while I'm in the presence of him.  I honestly don't know whether or not I will ever be able to have a good relationship with either one of my parents now.  I went through extreme rebellion, to which is now going to hound myself for the rest of my life, just for trying to cry for help. 

To anyone that is in an abusive situation which children involved, my advice is that for the sake of your children - remove them from the situation whether you're leaving with them or not.  I'm trying to deal with 18 years of just witnessing the abuse (as well as some directed towards myself), and even four years later - I still dread the nightmares which come daily, I have a distorted view of what a healthy relationship should be, and I don't know how to function in a "normal" loving/caring family.  At 22 years old, I should be looking forward towards my own marriage and starting my own family.  Instead, I'm terrified to even consider this possibility due to the fact that I don't know how to function in a marraige due to the lack of example of a healthy marriage from my parents.  As far as starting a family is concerned, I can't see that as being a possibilty until the day comes which I can learn how to be part of a healthy relationship, and lead by example of what a healthy family life is like for my children. 

I admit, I'm a mental mess when it comes to the topic of family and what the "ideal" should be.  I realize that it's not something which is an easy task to leave a person who is abusive emotionally and mentally - but for the sake of your own sanity as well as any children in the situation, try and leave. 

After 9 years of marriage I finally found the courage to leave a marriage that was controlling and abusive.  I had been told for 11 years that I would have everything I wanted if I stayed with him.  The last year it got to the point where I was being told that I was nothing without him and I was called every name in the book, (the worst was the c... word).  After one failed attempt to leave the marriage (I was told if I left I would never see my two boys again), I accepted the fact that I was stuck.  One year later I did leave, with 3 little boys and a whole lot of courage.  He told me that since I left him he would get me back, for the rest of my life.  I didn't know at the time how he could get revenge.   After 3 1/2 years of being divorced, I have been back in court twice.  The first was over getting child support reduced.  This time he's gone as far as to attack me as a mother by saying I don't take care of my children.  (They are my life, my joys.  I never knew that someone attacking you as a mother could hurt to badly.)  Now I'm being sued for custody.  He has told me that he doesn't want to pay child support anymore.  My court hearing was in May, it has now been 5 months, with no decision yet.     I can't say I'm a domestic violence survivor, because I'm still being abused.  Unfortunately, my ex figured out a new way to abuse.  Courage is something I have to have everyday.   Diane 

why do men think that they can do women like this?  i only watch 5 mins. of the show and i was sick, these women are so pitiful. 

please get out, you can make it  without them, at least do it for your kids 

good luck and god bless