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Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Number of Replies: 452
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Created on : Friday, September 30, 2005, 03:38:02 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

Imagine losing every freedom you've ever known: The freedom to drive where you want, see whom you want, buy what you want. Though Kathy and Elaine have never met, they share the common bond of being prisoners in their own relationships, trapped by abusive controlling husbands. Will they find the strength to leave? Then, Joan's husband is so controlling, he won't let her shower every day - and you'll never believe why. Plus, a former abuser seeks help for his ex-wife. Share your thoughts, join the discussion.

 

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October 5, 2005, 9:16 am CDT

Its very hard to find the courage to leave.

I found the courage two years ago to leave my controlling and abusive husband, it took me twenty eight year to do this, l knew l would one day and l'm sad because l lost myself, l don't know who l really am or what l like , l wish l found the courage a long time ago, l stayed in this relationship not knowing any better thinking this was the "norm". Once all of my five children had started school l wanted to do something more so l became an Avon Rep, and did this saying to help with the money problems we always had, it opened my eyes to how others lived and the freedom they had, thats when l started to saved a little at a time, it took six years but l saved enough to take my yougest children with me, my adult children had already moved away. l left with the money l saved and got my own place" rented of course "l have a part time job which helps me pay all my bills and look after my children. I just wish l found this courage a long time ago because it is hard to start a new life at he age of fifty three, but l know l will get there. Do not wait as long as l did l gave my youth and what is suppose to be the best time in life to a man who didn't care if l lived or died. Lost.
 
October 5, 2005, 9:19 am CDT

Its very hard to find the courage to leave.

I found the courage two years ago to leave my controlling and abusive husband, it took me twenty eight year to do this, l knew l would one day and l'm sad because l lost myself, l don't know who l really am or what l like , l wish l found the courage a long time ago, l stayed in this relationship not knowing any better thinking this was the "norm". Once all of my five children had started school l wanted to do something more so l became an Avon Rep, and did this saying to help with the money problems we always had, it opened my eyes to how others lived and the freedom they had, thats when l started to saved a little at a time, it took six years but l saved enough to take my yougest children with me, my adult children had already moved away. l left with the money l saved and got my own place" rented of course "l have a part time job which helps me pay all my bills and look after my children. I just wish l found this courage a long time ago because it is hard to start a new life at he age of fifty three, but l know l will get there. Do not wait as long as l did l gave my youth and what is suppose to be the best time in life to a man who didn't care if l lived or died. Lost.
 
October 5, 2005, 9:59 am CDT

kazia_1612

Quote From: kazia_1612

I found the courage two years ago to leave my controlling and abusive husband, it took me twenty eight year to do this, l knew l would one day and l'm sad because l lost myself, l don't know who l really am or what l like , l wish l found the courage a long time ago, l stayed in this relationship not knowing any better thinking this was the "norm". Once all of my five children had started school l wanted to do something more so l became an Avon Rep, and did this saying to help with the money problems we always had, it opened my eyes to how others lived and the freedom they had, thats when l started to saved a little at a time, it took six years but l saved enough to take my yougest children with me, my adult children had already moved away. l left with the money l saved and got my own place" rented of course "l have a part time job which helps me pay all my bills and look after my children. I just wish l found this courage a long time ago because it is hard to start a new life at he age of fifty three, but l know l will get there. Do not wait as long as l did l gave my youth and what is suppose to be the best time in life to a man who didn't care if l lived or died. Lost.
I've related to your story.   I've too ended a 20 year relationship.  I stayed in the relationship thinking that I was being over reactive to many of the situations.  I knew that it wasn't normal - and so did my children.  I wanted and believed that my relationship with my  ex-husband would change...he would see how we we're hurting.  I didn't want my children to come from a broken home.   But I decided that the only thing I was doing for sure, was teaching my children how to take abuse.  That's when things started to change for me.  I was so emotionally unhappy - I wasn't there for my kids any more than my ex-husband,  who was totally un-plugged from all of us.  They needed to have one emotionally happy, healthy parent.  Even it it meant there would only be one.  I decided that my children would "unlearn" everything unhealthy that they had witnessed.  I would be the one that would set the tone of what a normal healthy, happy house would be - and what a healthy, happy parent should be like.  It's been a hard road - we still have moments that need to be addressed.  We still have times that we have to realize that how we are reacting to a situation is because of our past family history.  We still have intellect issues, esteem issues and issues of being abandoned emotionally and physically from someone that we trusted to nurture us.  I'm happy that I can teach my children, by example,  how  a loving, nurturing, supportive and unconditional relationship with a parent/child/spouse/partner  should be. 
 
October 5, 2005, 12:58 pm CDT

Been there too

I've been down that road myself, and I know it's so hard to leave. I got in a relationship with a much older guy when I was in my mid-teens (I was really looking for a father figure). He beat the taste out of my mouth on several occasions. I would explain the bruises and bumps away--telling my mom and school friends/teachers that I got hurt during volleyball practice. I really thought he loved me because he would always apologize afterward. I really fooled myself into thinking that was a healthy relationship. My last straw came a month before my sixteenth birthday. My boyfriend thought I was cheating on him, and hit me so hard that my jaw was broken. I had to have my jaw wired shut. I finally told everyone close to me, and they rallied around and supported me while I pressed charges. He's still serving his 10-year sentence--for statutory rape and assault. It's been a long road recovering my self-worth and self-esteem, but it is possible. 

I hope with all of my heart that these women can use their experience on Dr. Phil to find the courage to break the cycle. Ladies, my heart is with you. 

 
October 5, 2005, 6:40 pm CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Quote From: kazia_1612

I found the courage two years ago to leave my controlling and abusive husband, it took me twenty eight year to do this, l knew l would one day and l'm sad because l lost myself, l don't know who l really am or what l like , l wish l found the courage a long time ago, l stayed in this relationship not knowing any better thinking this was the "norm". Once all of my five children had started school l wanted to do something more so l became an Avon Rep, and did this saying to help with the money problems we always had, it opened my eyes to how others lived and the freedom they had, thats when l started to saved a little at a time, it took six years but l saved enough to take my yougest children with me, my adult children had already moved away. l left with the money l saved and got my own place" rented of course "l have a part time job which helps me pay all my bills and look after my children. I just wish l found this courage a long time ago because it is hard to start a new life at he age of fifty three, but l know l will get there. Do not wait as long as l did l gave my youth and what is suppose to be the best time in life to a man who didn't care if l lived or died. Lost.

Yes, I too found the courage a little over 2 years ago to leave my controlling, abusive husband.   At the time, it felt like the hardest thing I'd ever done.  In hindsight, because I did not deal with what was happening to us then, I see now that the healing process is even more challenging than getting the courage to leave.  So on my worst days, I try to look back at where I was and how far I've come.   

  

I am 47 and very much understand how hard it is to start your life over again.  You are right, we did give our love and lives over to men who did not care or even remotely love us BUT somehow we overcame that and escaped, didn't we!  Since I've read and heard so many stories of women who are still living with their abusers, this makes me realize I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.   

  

I am very proud of you, myself and all the others who are in the process of starting over, healing and learning to love ourselves again. 

 
October 6, 2005, 3:38 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

A relationship like this is not just about being held hostage by a controlling husband.   IT IS ABOUT HOW THOSE WHO YOU TRY TO TALK TO TREAT YOU WHEN YOU TRY TO TELL THEM.  THE ONES YOU CHOOSE TO TRUST.  It takes alot to find people to trust and then when you open up to them they say:  Well you should respect your husband, you shouldn't talk bad about your husband like that.  You need marriage counselling.  (I think counselling only works when the person ADMITS they did something.  They have to be honest and not lie.)    There is no perfect solution.  I think your spouse will cause trouble for you in the relationship as much as out of the relationship so time is not a factor.  I am at the point which is smart alek, but I resent the rejection from others because they don't appreciate all the things I have done to try to make things better.  And they would not put up with it themselves.  And those who give me bad advice..... or I am not trying hard enough.... My answer is:  "What is your daughter or sister's name.... they can marry my husband and I will help send out the wedding invitations....."  How about tommorrow.... C'mon hurry up!  You are right and much more Christian than me and you can do a much better job....  What are the wedding party addresses?
 
October 6, 2005, 3:42 am CDT

James and Joan and the Jealousy Question...

It sounds like what Joan is doing at her job is CUSTOMER SERVICE.  There is a difference between CUSTOMER SERVICE and FLIRTING.  If Joan wears her ring:  Most people respect that and think she is married and are not going to come after her.  If Joan would say tell her customer:  "My husband is rotten type comments"..... I think that would open the door for FLIRTING that you fear.  It is what you talk about.  There are levels of communication.  If you are serious about working things out....  I think negative comments should go to your counsellours....... and you should talk about the weather etc to your customers.....  but to me it sounds like Joan is a loyal person.
 
October 6, 2005, 6:31 am CDT

Scared to leave

My abuse is not physical-it is emotional and verbal.  My husband is an addict.  We've been through it all.  I found the courage to leave once then only to return a year later because I thought he had learned his lesson.  I have 2 beautiful boys and I want them to have a happy childhood.  I just don't know what to do.  What if I leave and he straightens up-I could never return again.  I believe in the institution of marriage, but I know this is not how it is suppose to be.  He has ruined me financially.  i have a college degree and I struggle to buy groceries.  How do I find the strength to leave again-Is there something wrong with me?  He says I try to control him, but, in reality, he has complete control of me because of his addiction.  I believe I am sicker than he is.   I know he wishes he did not have this monkey on his back and he always says he is going to do better, but I've given him hundreds of chances.   I know that I am not the kind of woman I need to be or could be if I had the right partner who did not cause me pain.  I'm almost numb to the emotional pain now and that scares me.  Any advice would be appreciated.  Am I on a dead end road?
 
October 6, 2005, 7:01 am CDT

10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

Oh my goodness. I sat watching today's show, especially the woman whose husband didn't allow her to shower, and completely identified with her. If anyone out there thinks she was going overboard with her story, I can tell you SHE WAS NOT. I was in such a marriage for 19 years. I was revisited with the darkest, blackest, horrible feelings while I listened to her. In my case, my husband told me that I was bound to cheat because I was pretty and smart. Evidently too pretty and too smart to be with him. He was abusive in every way possible but he didn't see anything wrong with that. Having heart-to-heart talks with a man like that goes nowhere! Long story short, I got out. And that was the most difficult and frightening thing I've ever done. I think that when a wife is in that position, she just gets emotionally defeated and cannot even begin to think of a way to get out. You just can't see the forest for the trees. I would love to help other women or support them but I don't know how. I think that most women who are in such terrible marriages probably had  controlling and abusive parents. I know this was the case with me. I jumped from the frying pan right into the fire. If it were left to me, I would probably never have left. My sister literally scooped me up in her arms and took me away to her home. I will be grateful to her forever.  

 
October 6, 2005, 7:29 am CDT

thanks

Quote From: breezee

Yes, I too found the courage a little over 2 years ago to leave my controlling, abusive husband.   At the time, it felt like the hardest thing I'd ever done.  In hindsight, because I did not deal with what was happening to us then, I see now that the healing process is even more challenging than getting the courage to leave.  So on my worst days, I try to look back at where I was and how far I've come.   

  

I am 47 and very much understand how hard it is to start your life over again.  You are right, we did give our love and lives over to men who did not care or even remotely love us BUT somehow we overcame that and escaped, didn't we!  Since I've read and heard so many stories of women who are still living with their abusers, this makes me realize I am much stronger than I give myself credit for.   

  

I am very proud of you, myself and all the others who are in the process of starting over, healing and learning to love ourselves again. 

I know how you feel I have been in a unhappy, controling, verbal abusive marriage for forty yrs, have tried and tried to get out . I always seem to come back , cause I have no family or formal training to make it on my own and feel according to him no one would want a dummy un skilled person like myself. I am  a emotional wreck. We have three kids and they are grown and all have problems now after being in this dysfunctional situation because I was so weak and couldnot get them out ..  

I am so proud I watched this show and logged onto Dr. PHil , what I have read has helped me in so many ways. 

I know I have a long road but I am going to take control of my life. 

thanks for listening and reading my post today/ 

Brooke  

 
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