Topic : 10/06 "Stand Up for Yourself!"

I used to thing that i was strong enough to live with just about anybody. I use to say i would rather been called name than being hit well almost five years letter and after being gone throught it all, i have reach the end of my rope.  

Yesterday i saw my life 6years from now if i didn't do something, anything dramatic. Before i married my husband i was one of those people who would say "that can't happen to me because i wouldn't put up with it" but it's been happening to me for 5years now and i have been putting up with it for that long. A couple of month ago i got so angry that i got some of my stuff and left. After a month and him begging and promising it wouldn't happen again, i wrote him a letter and told him everything i couldn't live with anymore. Well the honeymoon didn't last 3 weeks before i had all the deja vu. Last sunday he told me he wasn't mad at me, in fact he understand me; it wasn't my fault i was so slow it's genetic. He was glad his son got his genes and is smart as him. And from there all the name he promise not to call me came back  and in fact he told me the only reason he asked me come back was bc he didn't want his son staying in the filthy place i have took him(shelter). I don't have any family in the united states.  

But u know what he think it's over but he won't know what him bc thanks to Dr. Phil, i'm not waking up 6years from now and wish i had left earlier. I'm already wishing i had never got into that plane so........ For the next couple of month, i'm gonna try saving enough to get an apartment and i don't care if i have to sleep on the floor. I WILL DO IT. JUST KEEP ME IN UR PRAYERS so God can give me the strenght to not want to go back again. 

I was so glad to see Dr. Phil adressing the issue of controlling men.   I think this problem is probably alot more wide spread than we realize.  3 years ago I met a man that seemed to be a knight in shining armour.  He was caring, loving and appeared to be my soul mate.  There were warning signs of the controlling and verbally abusive behavior that was to come but I didnt recognize these signs.  I had many friends at the time and played tennis and softball once a week.  His first sign was when he didnt want me to play sports anymore.  The way he said it was that he wanted to be with me and missed me and since we didnt have alot of alone time (away from our children), he wanted to be with me.  The sports took that time away.  I thought.......how wonderful.  This man loves me so much.  After about a year he asked me to marry him and I said yes.  Something odd at the time that I brushed aside was right after he asked me to be his wife.  When I said yes, he hugged me and said, "Promise you'll never leave me."  Another sign!  My son and I moved in with him the next month and we started planning our wedding.  Right after I moved in, things changed dramatically.  I wont go into all the details but after a year, everything I did was controlled.  I had no friends anymore.  No sports.  I had sold my home and all my furnishings.  I was told what to eat, what to wear and even how to load the dishwasher properly.  I would try to compromise with him in the beginning but with every move I made being controlled, it was an exhausting effort.  It became easier to just give in than to deal with his verbal abuse of me being stupid and not appreciating him trying to make me a better person.  I woke up one day and thought, how did I get myself into this situation.  I'm a college educated person with a great job and I had a great life before him.  What did I do?  How could this happen?  Well, I'm happy to say that I finally found the courage to leave him.  It was not easy and even after leaving there were many times I'd see him.  It was so hard to let go of this person and I just couldnt understand why.  But with time my strength and power have come back and I can say today that I no longer speak with him and I have moved on with my life.  As strange as this may sound.  This relationship was one of the best things that's ever happened to me.  I now appreciate every day and all the small things most people take for granted.  Things like fixing myself a bowl of soup if I'm hungry, sitting down and watching Dr. Phil and not being called stupid for doing it, talking with my friends, playing sports.  Life Is Good and I appreciate it every day.  I hope that other women out there can gain strength from Dr. Phil bringing these topics to light as well as all of us who have survived them.  The best thing he said in his program was this. "Are you afraid of losing your husband OR Are you afraid of losing who you thought your husband was."   That hits the nail on the head.  The person you thought you had doesnt really exist.  Come to terms with that and move on.

I was married for amost 22 years. To make a long story short, he was controlling, an I mistook it for love. I had no job, lost all my friends, and had nothing. He got sick, I had to go back to work, my boys were old enough for me to do that. I wanted to go back when they started school, but he would get very angry. I let it go, until his sickness opened the door. Little did I know it would be to regaining who I was, and my freedom. I lived with verbal and emotional abuse for the last 9 years of my marriage....I stayed thinking I needed to get my sons raised and old enough that when I did leave he couldn't take them from me. I discovered later that it was no better with them being older, they still had a hard time with the divorce. They are doing very well now. I met the man of my dreams almost 2 years ago, its so great being treated like a human being, and pampered beyond my wildest dreams. Ladies, let no one tell you you can't do it on your own, if I can so can you. Don't wait like I did. Get out now, start over. There is life after abuse, and let me tell you....it can be absolutely wonderful. Be careful in your choices though, if he in any way acts like what your living now....don't walk, run as fast as you can. Life will get better, an you will survive. I promise.

 Please listen to Dr.Phil. I lived that life for 21 years. Raised to boys (who thank goodness didn't take after there father in that respect.) I went to work for a gentleman (from Texas I guess those guys know what they are talking about.)who told me the same things that Dr Phil told you. He showed me and thought me that I was not stupid and that I was worth something. He gave me confidence.  So at 46 I started over. It takes time but you can do it. You have to love yourself before you can love anyone else.
I am still not trusting in relationships but I still have hopes of getting over that one. Be strong you can do it. It is not worth the pain. You both are young  and pretty.  Don't believe what they told you

I was married for 8 years to my so called high school sweetheart.  He had told me that he always wanted to marry me but our lives had gone seperate ways.  after almost 20 years we were married.  it was a really big mistake he took all of my power away and treated my son  terribly.  but after 8 years of that i made a very hard decision and left him.  now my son and i are so much happier and content you would not believe the difference.  it is terrible how we as humans let one person do that to us.  my son and i can actually be ourselves and be ok with it.  we know what the mood is going to be in the house when we both come home.  it wasn't easy to leave but it was the best thing for the both of us.  if you are thinking about leaving you do have the strength and the courage and will find it within yourself if not for you but for your children. 

rosered 

First of all, don't blame it on the Bipolar Disorder. I have it and I don't slap people around. In fact, I know a number of people who have it as well and most of them are not abusive.  

  

Second of all, you say you want to wait until your boys are older. They're 14 and 16, they're not toddlers! You're truly not doing your boy any favoirs by staying with their dad. I also know this from experience.  

  

My dad was very abusive toward my mother to the point of chasing her around with guns, threatening to kill her. Eventually, those threats were turned on us kids as well. It was no fun way to live.  

  

Do yourself and your boys a real favor and get out now.  

After that, you're participant.  

  

A lot of times, these things start out slowly. They don't usually start beating you on the outset. But even if they do, get out the first time. Whether or it's hitting or namecalling, just GO.  

  

It's just not worth it to stay with someone with that much obvious contempt for you. 

I posted before asking women in this thread to please be careful about what they post online; as abusive husbands often monitor their wives' computer usage. 

  

In surfing around I found some info on this topic from the National Coalition Against Domestic Violence: 

  

" 

Internet Safety

WARNING  

Taking all of the actions on this page may not prevent an abuser from discovering your email and Internet activity. The safest way to find information on the Internet is to go to a safer computer. Some suggestions would be your local library, a friend's house or your workplace. Other safety suggestions: Change your password often, do not pick obvious words or numbers for your password, and make sure to include a combination of letters and numbers for your password.  

HOW AN ABUSER CAN TRACK YOUR ACTIVITIES

Email  

If an abuser has access to your email account, he or she may be able to read your incoming and outgoing mail. Even if you believe your account is secure, make sure you choose a password he or she will not be able to guess.  

If an abuser sends you threatening or harassing email messages, you can print and save them as evidence of this abuse. These messages may also constitute a federal offense. For more information on this issue, contact your local United States Attorney's Office.  

ERASING YOUR TRACKS

History/cache file  

If an abuser knows how to read your computer's history of cache file (automatically saved web pages and graphics), he or she may be able to see information you have viewed on the Internet.  

You can clear your history or empty your cache file in your brower's settings*  

Netscape:  

Pull down Edit menu, select Preferences. Click on Navigator or choose "Clear History". Click on Advanced then select Cache. Click on "Clear Disk Cache".  

Internet Explorer:  

Pull down Tools menu, select Internet Options. On General page under Temporary Internet Files, Click on Delete Files. If asked, check the box to delete all offline content. Still within the Temporary Internet Files section, click on Setting (This step may make it harder to navigate pages where you would like your information to be remembered, but these remaining cookies do show website pages you have visited. Therefore, use your own judgment as to whether or not to take this next step). Click on "View Files", Manually highlight all the files (cookies) shown, then hit Delete. Close that window, then on General page under History section, click on "Clear History."  

AOL:  

Pull down Members menu, select Preferences. Click on WWW icon. Then select Advanced. Purge Cache.  

Additionally, you need to make sure that the "Use Inline Autocomplete" box is NOT checked. This function will complete partial web addresses while typing location in the address bar at the top of the browser.  

If you are using Internet Explorer, this box can be found on the MS Internet Explorer Page by clicking on "Tools" at the top of the screen, then "Internet Options" and then the "Advanced" tab. About halfway down there is a "Use Inline Autocomplete" box that can be checked or unchecked by clicking on it. Uncheck the box to disable the feature that automatically completes an Internet address when you start typing in the Internet address box.  

*This information may not completely hide your tracks. Many browser types have features that display recently visited sites. The safest way to find information on the Internet would be at a local library, a friend's house, or at work.  

For help call the National Domestic Violence Hotline: 1-800-799-SAFE (7233) TTY 1-800-787-3224 " 

  

I hope I haven't broken any rules about posting this information from the NCADV's website.  I worry that some women will find out as I did the hard way years ago when my now ex found out I was researching custody and divorce laws in my state on our home computer. 

  

I ended up getting out of the marriage by working nights as a cashier (no college education, hs diploma only) and I managed to do it even though I had bad health and a two year old.  I got a status quo order from the court where my husband had to pay all the household bills since he refused to move out and I had nowhere to go with my baby (My family thought I was making a mistake at the time, they now know different) 

I'm not saying it's easy. I'm saying you have to get creative, explore all the options, and keep the goal of freedom in front of you.  Not just for you, but for your children.  Start today, and be careful! 

I've taken the steps to end this relationship, now I'm scared. All the doubts he has put in my head are running wild. He's leaving me everything, but now I have to pay for everything too. I've never done that. I'm self- employeed and my checks don't come on a regular time. Everyone says just stay busy and try not to think about, but how can I not. I sell real estate in Ca, but never had to really work at  it. Let me say was never really allowed to work at it. Now I don't know if I can keep a roof over my kids head and food on the table. Please help!

   I have been doing what you have said, I clean up after my self (on the computer that is ) but I'm alittle lucky he doesn't know how to turn it on ( HAHA on him). Whenever he asks me to send an email or something the computer has a melt down.  I had a life before this I had my own business and lost everything with him. Life is looking up for me, I real close to getting out.  I'm not married to him so I can just walk away, Florida doesn't have common law so I'm taking my son who is 4 and going to my family in TX.  

  Thanks again 

   DEE