Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

IT JUST SEEMS TO ME THAT IF SOMEONE THINKS THAT IT IS TOTALLY SELFISH FOR A MOTHER TO WORK, THEN THEY ARE IMPLYIING THAT IT IS JUST AS SELFISH TO BE 'POOR' AND HAVE CHILDREN - BEING THAT THEY CANNOT STAY AT HOME AND PARENT.  

 

Ah, I understand.  I'm sorry I didn't get that.  The fact is, motherhood will go on.  That's a fact.   And sometimes it doesn't matter whether someone agrees with what you are doing.  You do what you need to to survive. 

 guess the problem I have is this:  (and I should say my problem isn't so much with you per se)...but as a SAHM, I get a lot of flack about the typical stero-types; lazy, watching tv all day, etc.  And working moms (as I have seen it) get labled with "doing it all" and how great they are.  I think it's unfair that feminism has brought us to this point of feuding, because it seems as if we all worked together, we may not have as many issues as we do.  

    

I happen to be very passionate about staying home because as I've said before, I have worked and it was horrible for me, my kids and everybody else.     

    

When I first started my "crusade"  it was strictly to help moms who have made the decision to stay home with their daily struggles.  When I was interviewed on Dr. Phil, they asked me what I thought about feminsm, so I told them.  But that's not my main message.  My main message is to moms who are home, that it can be done, and I'm here to help.   

  

That is great.  Women need to help each other more instead of cutting each other down!  I personally get tired of all the cat fighting that goes on between women (while men are usually sitting around laughing at it).  We need to stick together more, and support each other.   

 

There are women struggling with a lot of issues.  Women do not get jipped out of a lot.  Men usually make more money than women doing the same exact job.  Most medical research is not geered towards women, although women suffer many ailments like men.  (Now there is something we need to focus our energy on).  Many woman support their children without the financial support of the man who helped make them.  Many young girls are still getting the message that they have to have a man to be somebody.  And so many more issues out there for women and young ladies.  All the energy we put into cat fighting each other, we should put into those issues.  (Although a good debate is good for the soul) 

 All I was saying is that duties can be divided up according to what  works for any two people.  We need not be tied to traditional gender roles. For some couples the tradtional division of labour (women doing domestic duties, while men work outside the home) may be what works best- and for them- that's great.

Then I made reference to the specific guest who said wives SHOULD behave as she does. . .I think no one has the right to say what others SHOULD do. 

Because you asked, in my relationship, we have been taking turns:  one of us working, the other in graduate school, and because we both hate cleaning- we have a cleaning person come in every 2 weeks to do the hard stuff. We keep renegotiating the duties, as our lives continue to evolve.

To decree the proper duties of a wife is just nonsense- each wife is different and each relationship is different.

For thousands of years, children stayed at home with their mothers while their husbands went out to hunt, gather, make money, etc.  Women really didn't enter the work force in large numbers until this century.  Obviously, daycare is not the ideal place for our children to be.  Anyone who tries to say that children are better off in daycare and preschool is fooling themselves.  Children are better off at home.  While they are at home they needed to be intellectually stimulated, in order to be prepared for school, when the time comes.   

  

Yes, women have to work outside of the home.  What kills me is that my family is really struggling finacially in order that I stay home.  I have a college degree and had worked at the same location for 8 and a half years before "retiring" to become a SAHM.  I gave up a decent salary.  One of the children at my daughter's daycare had 2 parents who indiviually exceeded my husband and I's combined income.  Why didn't that mom or dad take some time off to give that kid a good start? She was a t day care 10-12 hours a day, 5 days a week.  If at age 2 they are supposed to sleep 10-12 hours a night, that only leaves 0-2 hours that she got to spend with her parents.  That is horrifying.  Then they had a second child.   

  

The first morning I dropped off my 10 week old daughter at her sitter's house I cried.  Everyone told me it would get better and it never did.  I realized that to be a good mother and ultimately a fulfilled human being I had to stay home and raise my children.  I am a better wife for it.  I get the chance to create a home.  I don't feel "lucky" to be at home.  Trust me the money is a huge issue every month.  I do feel like it is my responsibility, as a mother to care for my children.   

  

I am better fulfilling my role as wife now.  My husband is a better husband now.  We are a great family.  Both of my children are happy.   

I am a stay at home mom of four kids age 7, 4, 3, and 2 months.  My husband travels extensively. For example from November of last year till August of this year he was not home for longer that three days at a time.  He is usually gone for about three weeks at a time.  We live in a very rural area, I have to travel 30 minutes just to get to town.  And I mean town, only a Walmart.  The only in the county.  My nearest family member is my mother-in-law who lives in town and works full time.  In other words I am alone....with my four kids..... three of which on a 24 hour basis.....   

I feel like my husband is more of a father than the fathers I see in town who live at home and can see their children and wives/girlfriends daily.   

It wasn't always like this.  I went from being an aircraft mechanic in the Marines and civilian side to this.  My husband has only had this job for 2 years.  Before that he was in the Marines and when he wasn't in Iraq or Liberia or where ever livefire wasn't being reported,  he was home daily.  We lived like normal families.  Somedays he would come home to a clean house and a somewhat cleaned up wife, and other days.....well, he got what he got.   

We have been married 10 years now and it has been a long road.  We are happy and stable after many attempts and compromises.  To over simplify things:  If he gets some, I get some.  He gets alone time with his wife in the bedroom and I get a man who helps with the kids and housework and shows me respect.  I think that either way I win.   

  

You just need to find the compromise that fits your lifestyle and personality.  There is nothing wrong with doing what makes you feel full,  you know, fulfilled.  This is the feeling that you are worth something and doing a good job.  For each person this is different.  I loved turning wrenches but I love my kids more and no one can do as good of a job as I can raising them.  I can resume my career after they think I'm not cool anymore and have their own lives.  Meanwhile, my husband and I will always have eachother 

  

I just so happen to have a copy of that. Tomorrow I will put it up on the boards.  Since the letter was written to my husband, I asked for a copy but was told that was not possible.  I do have the tape however.  Kelly

When Kathryn Hepburn was asked one time why she never married or had children her reply was that she could not have the career that she wanted and be able to be a devoted wife and mother. She had to make a choice and she chose her career. In a recent interview with George Clooney, he said that he loved children, which lead to the question as to why he has never settled down. His response was that raising children and being a husband was not something that you wanted to do half-assed. (please note that is a direct quote and not how I would say something)  

  

Diana from the show stated this same concept in so many words. I am in total agreement with Diana. I think her organization and her focus has enabled her to have the lifestyle that she has. I was really impressed with her having a routine and a menu for a year! (You go girl!)  

  

In today's world women have the concept that they can have it all. The career, the kids and the husband. I do not think that this is possible. I think that a woman has to make a choice about what she wants to do. You cannot work the hours in a career that it takes and expect to have enough time to come home cook, clean and spend time with your children. Sure the husband can step up to the plate and maybe cook some nights and clean and so on, I am not discounting that. You can also hire someone to clean your house and even a nanny. This does not replace the time that is absent from the lives of your family.  

  

I know that there are women that have to work in order to support their famalies, what I am saying in my comments does not apply to these women. I am talking about the ones that do have the choice. 

  

I was fortunate to be raised by a stay at home mom and my dad being the pastor of the church was not far away either. My mom took care of us and the home most of the time. However, my dad was there to help out with the daily chores and did not mind doing so at all. It was a great balance and he appreciated everything that my mother did for him, his daughters and the church as she also worked with the choir, Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. Her house was always in order and we always had a hot meal that we ate together as a family. This took sacrafice and having to live without certain things, however I think that in the end it was worth the time that we got to spend together as a family and not in front of the TV or a Playstation.  

I know EXACTLY what Kelly is going through. my husband isn't hers exactly but, I did feel exactly the way she does, But Fortunately, I was able to "make Better" the problem I was having with my husband. 

What I mean by "make Better" is just this..... 

My husband and I have been married for 7 years, we have 2 wonderful children, (by wonderful I mean regular children who throw fits at the supermarket, but who I love and adore anyway) things started going wrong for me when we had our first baby. Because my role changed, but my husband didn't understand that, not to mention I was suffering from Postpartum Depression. I literally "Lost myself" you can't understand what it means to lose yourself unless you have.  

 The problem comes in when you realize that this occurred. I didn't realize it until one day my husband came home and simply asked for a kiss, I thought I was going to "VOMIT!!" Then he touched my shoulder and I thought I was going to faint! I suddenly realized that something was terribly wrong. But because I still had not figured out why I couldn't stand for my husband to touch me, I thought that maybe it was me, perhaps my hormones were off, or something like that, so I tried taking some herbal remedies, which only seemed to make the problem worse.  

  When I finally realized what was bothering me, I told him, (and all of this took MONTHS!!) I said..."this problem that i am having is YOU..so we either have to fix this or end this" he was very confused!!!!  

Anyway....to make a very long story seem a little shorter.....  

  I stopped giving in to him, I stopped sugar coating things so that he would just leave me alone, I stopped trying to get the children out of his hair when he came home from work, I stopped everything, I stopped giving him "relations" when he wanted it, because I had no desire to have "relations" with someone who was treating me like that, weather he realized he was doing it or not. I stopped doing his laundry, I stopped doing things his way. And I told him, I won't until you treat me right. 

And it took sometime... And I finally had to turn to a marriage counselor, to help my husband see that the way he was treating me, forcing me to have "relations", giving me a guilt trip if  I couldn't, getting upset about every little thing, not letting me see my family, not helping with the kids, just no respect for me really at all, by doing all these things I was on the VERY EDGE of leaving, and that really helped him, when someone else pointed out how these things hurt me. 

But now......... He has really turned around. He helps with the Children, He helps with the shopping, he helps cleans up, he understands that I am tired too. (I have a part time job, and my kids come with me!!) He works anywhere from 40 to 60 hours a week, but he knows that when he comes home, he has to get out of work mode and into Dad mode. He learned to treat me with respect, and that the way he was acting just wasn't working, he was going to lose me. And does not want to lose me, and he doesn't want me to lose myself again. 

And of course we still have disagreements, but now we learned how to work through them instead of me just giving in and doing whatever would bring Peace.  

I'm not saying that you have to stop everything to get back respect, but sometimes you just have to, you know its like when you computer messes up, instead of banging on it and screaming at it, just turn it off, and re-boot it. sometimes that in itself fixes the problem, and if not... Call the professionals!!!!! 

  

As I have heard Dr. Phil say many times, a marriage isn't 50/50 it is 100% + 100%, that is each partner has to give it their all to make it work. 

  

I too am a stay-home mom.  I give it my all -- of course, with two small children around my home is far from being in perfect order, but each day I give it my best.  On bad days, less gets done, on good days lots gets done.  I try to meet my husband's needs where I can and I tell him when I can't.  My husband gives it his all at his job too to provide for us and keep us all in a nice cozy place to live to allow me to be with our kids to raise them close to us without having to try to keep up with the rat-race of work, babysitters, etc. and end up "losing"/not getting to know our children fully and not being able to nuture the bond between parent/child in the process. 

  

Unfortunately, my husband can sometimes exhibit controlling tendencies which I detest and defend myself against but it is something I accept and bear with (thankfully he is not as extreme as the men recently on the show.  Dynamics have changed for us since I became a stay-home mom 3 years ago and stresses/pressures are different now and I understand that.  It is a continued adjustment for both of us -- only recently I was able to not have to validate my worth by the amount of a paycheck (or lack of it) because now it is increasingly clear to me that my "job" raising my children is far more important than the cheque was receiving.  I'm not a perfect wife either and he has to put up with my faults and somehow we are managing just fine.  Life is a constant adjustment, with family roles and dynamics always changing, children growing and their needs changing, etc., etc.  We have to remember that we are a couple working together for the good of the family and then each give it our 100% to that goal and to each other. 

On Monday, I was surprised at my response to the guests on the Dr. Phil show.  First, although the husband UNDOUBTEDLY was not a nice person and not very smart either (It shouldn't take too many brains to know you don't treat another person the way he treated his wife!), when I saw her overflowing cupboards and messy pots n pans drawer, I could honestly say that it would drive me crazy too, and was hoping Dr. Phil would give her some help in getting organized.  Did anyone else feel that way?  She might even feel better about herself, and in turn find it easier to stand up for herself and demand more respect from her husband if she were a little more on top of things around the house.  My house looks the same way, and I am very rarely "at peace" because I just can't be when things are so disorganized. 

  

I am a stay at home mom, and Diana, you are my idol!  You have it figured out, girl!  What a gift you are giving your family to come home to a clean, organized home with dinner on the table and a (genuine) smile on your face!  I cannot think of a more fulfilling life than that!   I was worried that you would come off on the show as a wimp, but it was just the opposite.  Dr. Phil tried to be the devil's advocate, and you won every time!   I have 3 kids, and worked full time with the first, part time after the second, and am struggling financially to stay home full time since my third.  I will never ever say anything bad about a working mother....we all make our own choices for our own reasons!  But for me, it is so nice to be able to have my family be my only priority, to know exactly what my kids did all day long, and to not be distracted by the stress of an outside job.  It is definitely a gift to me, and I feel very fortunate.  I think some stay at home moms have to be careful when they get mad that their husbands don't help out enough...it could be worse -- in addition to having unhelpful husbands, they could have to do everything at home AND have to work outside the home too!