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Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:34:18 pm

Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.

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punkbabies

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October 10, 2005, 8:10 am PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: flthomcat

First, I don't think Grant is a bad guy. I just don't think he GOT it, but now he does. Let's hope so because his wife appears very beaten down. Humans aren't perfect and now Grant can see the pain in his wife's face. I bet he changes and the couple goes on to have a beautiful partnership!

The stay-at-home-mother was cool; she made her choice and she loves it! I was worried how she would come off, but she did agree that Grant was wrong to treat his wife the way he did. I just wish Dr. Phil would have applauded her when she said that she should treat her husband with respect, he should treat her (his wife) with respect and that's what marriage is all about. It's give and take. I worked full-time and tried to raise our first child. I was sick all the time and passed the sickneses on to her. She was stuck in daycare from 7 a.m. to 6 p.m. and then it was rush, rush, rush. I was inpatient and nothing was done very well...there simply was not enough hours in the day. We women CAN'T have it all unless we want to do some things just plain crappy. Perhaps some of what is contributing to the 57% divorce rate is the fact that everybody (men and women) are stressed, sick, tired and feeling guilty. Kids come first. If we can afford it, why not give them 100% of us until they enter school (when we can work parttime) instead of allowing strangers to raise them. If we can't afford it, let's simply try our best to put their wants and needs before ours (and part of that is having a healthy marriage so they have a great mom and dad in their home).

As for the single lady, more power to you! You obviously want to keep YOU first. That's your choice. You are smart not to get married. However, I have a wonderful partnership and I am very independent....own savings (along with joint savings), own thoughts, own opinions, own fun nights out with the girls, etc. But what is the best part is the support, love and affection I get from my husband DAILY. We are a team that will last until death. And we have 2 great children who benefit from our partnership. I'll check back with you in 20 years to see how you are faring alone. If you're doing well, great. If you're not, perhaps you shouldn't have viewed marriage as all give or all take. It doesn't have to be that way. My marriage is super and it's great to wake up next to a warm, soft body each morning! It's also the way our wonderful God intended:)

I liked the stay-at-home- mom as well. I don't think that she is at all wrong for the way she behaves or believes. Being the traditional wife/mother fulfills her and that is a wonderful thing. Now, when I was a SAHM I was far from her, but, one thing I did always do is before my soon-to-be-ex husband got home was I would clean myself up a bit. I wouldn't want to come home after a long day to a husband who hadn't showered or brushed his teeth, who was wearing ugly sweats and just looked tired. Plus, it just made me feel a bit better. Oh and I LOVE her meal planning!

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gunforhire

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October 10, 2005, 8:13 am PDT

What makes a good wife?

I have no idea what makes a good wife. I am married but I don't have what I consider a wife, I have my best friend. She is a stay at home mom, and runs our property. When I say she runs my property, I mean she RUNS it. She cooks, cleans, handles the finances, teaches our sun, tutors our daughter, mows the grass, runs a chainsaw, and any other power tool she wants, and does it all without whining and complaining. She and I don't make demands on each other, nor do we have defined "house chores". I work 3rd shift and come home @ 8am. I am dog tired but if she were to ask me to do the dishes, vacuum, or any other "chore" I do it. Why? Because she ASKED. She didn't cry, whine, complain or demand, she simply asks. If I ask her to bring me a glass of tea, take off my boots, etc. she does because I ASK. We learned that asking gets more done than rules, chores, or demands. She wanted to learn to use a skill saw, I taught her. Then I got out of the way as she remodeled our dining room. Funny thing is she is shy and quiet. No one suspects her to be so strong. I they expect to be the big "manly man" since I am 6'3" and 210lbs. I also am an 8 year Army Vet at 32. I was used to giving orders and having them followed but that stops when I got home. Without yelling, screaming, or divorcing me she gently and subtly helped me realize I only had to ask. I believe that if other couples picked up on this concept that married life would be more heaven and less hell

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msdannak

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October 10, 2005, 8:14 am PDT

Fumming

I am also one of those mothers that spends my entire day (except for 4 hours when I work an outside the home job) being just that, a wife and mother. I tell my husband more than I need to that I will gladly trade my day for his, where I only have to work 8 hours then take a nap, whether I need one or not. My husband comes home after work and immediately hits the bed for at least a 3 hour nap, during which time I have taken and picked my boys up from football practice, done 4 loads of laundry, straightened the house and done the kitchen, if my 13 year old didn' t have time in her busy day. I have not raised my sons to just sit and watch me work - which is what I think my mother in law did with my husband, because he would walk out before he would pick up a towel and dry a dish. I get so aggravated because men just think that if they have a job, that's all they have to put into a marriage, and they can be so critical of what you do, but are definitely not ready to take over your job, but can definitely tell you how to do YOUR job better....Guess what, my mom used to tell me that if something doesn't suit you, fix it yourself.......take your time to straighten the cabnets; I'm sure you have been in them more than once and probably contributed to the messiness.......I wish all husbands were made out of Dr. Phil's mold.....your wife is so lucky.

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dchapman7

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October 10, 2005, 8:23 am PDT

Wife styles

I predict that this marriage will end because husband is not growing and maturing and didn't seem to understand one point that Dr. Phil was making. His wife will one day look at her life and realize that the grass is greener anywhere but here. Her head will hurt from hitting it up against the wall, and, when she realizes that she doesn't have to play T[HIS] game, she'll stop playing for awhile, and then she'll leave.

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firestar

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October 10, 2005, 8:24 am PDT

finally someone said it

Quote From: nikann11

Quote From: chadswick

Looks like you have some issues within inside your self,

Do you go to your husbands work and help him during the day? I think not. If it wasn't for your husband you would be taking care of your kids and working because I'm sure your the type of woman that would keep your kids from you husband for the sole purpose of receiving child support. So maybe you should get off your butt and stop watching TV and surfing the NET all day.

If you are such a caring and loving person you would be able to look past all of this and accept your position in life. Remember your the Mommy, NOT the Daddy. So put on a nice dress and cook some muffins for your kids and you husband, and have them ready for him the next time he walks in the door.

Bill Jinkens

BILL,

MY RESPONSE TO THIS IS - IF I WERE YOUR WIFE YOU WOULD BE WORKING A WHOLE LOT HARDER TO AFFORD ALL THOSE CHILD SUPPORT CHECKS, THEN WE WOULD TALK OUR JOBS. WOMEN DON'T STAY HOME BECAUSE IT'S THEIR JOB - THEY DO IT BECAUSE IT'S BETTER THAN PAYING SOMEONE ELSE TO RAISE YOUR CHILDREN. YOU SHOULD BE SO DAMN GREATFUL TO YOUR WIFE THAT YOU KISS HER FEET EVERY NIGHT WHILE YOU THANK HER. SHE IS RAISING YOUR CHILDREN. SHE COULD GO OUT AND GET A JOB AND LET SOME TOTAL STRANGER AT A DAYCARE RAISE THEM. AND BELIEVE ME, IT WOULD BE EASIER TO GO TO WORK EVERYDAY THEN DO WHAT SHE IS DOING. SHE WILL EVENTUALLY BURN OUT AND GROW TO HATE YOU OVER THE YEARS OF BEING BELITTLED AND HELD DOWN. THEN YOU WILL EAT ALL YOUR GENDER ROLE CRAP WHEN SHE IS LIVING LARGE ON YOUR PAYCHECKS. SHE IS DOING YOU A SERVICE - YOU ARE THE ONLY ONE IN HER LIFE THAT CAN MEET HER NEEDS. HAVE YOU EVER THOUGHT ABOUT THAT - OR ARE YOU TO BUSY GETTING YOUR NEEDS MET?

I have been sitting here reading through all of these post, and your letter spoke out. I was the one with a job taking care of my husband and my child, then one day he sat there and said he found a job and wanted me to stay home with our little girl. My paycheck was small every week and would not have even cleared day care. Yes, I would love to go back to my easy job...playing housewife is not easy as men think it is, nor as some women think it is.

I am happy you sat there and told him to be grateful for his wife. It IS better than letting your child grow up in daycare. I may miss my job, but kids are only young once. I bet most can not even tell you what their child's favorite color or toy is. Many people put their children in daycare so they don't even have to take care of them. HE is the one that can meet her needs, and he needs to do it.

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lhillman

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October 10, 2005, 8:25 am PDT

Love like you want to be loved

I've been married for 14 years. My husband and I are both active duty Air Force and we have two great boys! We've had to make very tough decisions, but we've made it a long way. When I thank God for my marriage and my children, I remember that the reason I love being married to this man is that he accepts me and everything that is a part of me. I always ask God to give me strength to be a good wife and a good mother, and I always strive to stay true to myself. Little things keep our love strong: laughter, hugging, laughter, kisses, laughter, holding hands -- you get it. We laugh a lot, we stick together, and we show each other love! I think one of the most important things we do in our small family is that we don't take each other for granted. I appreciate how my boys participate in our family and what kind of husband and father I have, and my boys and husband hug me and tell me they love me daily. That's the best feeling in the world -- especially when you feel it in every hug and every kiss.

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ncredhead6

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October 10, 2005, 8:27 am PDT

Been There

I was married 9 years to a man a lot like this. I could never do enough. He was always putting me down. When we divorced, I did not know who I was and it took me a long time to find me again. It gave me a complex and I have a hard time even thinking about being married again. I will never let another person take my self esteem and walk on it. The sad part is I see my daughter getting into the same kind of relationship and that hurts me. I feel that if I had stood up for myself, she would not think this was okay.

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animals

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October 10, 2005, 8:28 am PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

I believe this.....when two people fall in love and get married...they lose sight of one thing. They get married because they love one another and want to share their lives with each other. SHARE being the operative word here. It doesn't mean that one can become the boss of the other. Being married doesn't mean you give up your life or stop living life the way you used to but to share it. Choose to get through life together because you care for one another and can lean on one another in times of need. A fifty-fifty deal. Love and support.

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vafriend

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October 10, 2005, 8:31 am PDT

being a good wife

Just be a good person. Have self respect because it will show in your relationships. Listen more than Talk. A mistake is not a mistake when it's corrected. Be truthful, be honest. Don't be self bostful. Give compliments. Don't always be right-but don't always be wrong either. Communicate from the heart. Always use "good words" with your "inside tone". take TIME OUT. Love unconditionally. I have been in a growing marriage for 32 years. WE are growing at seperate rates . we hold hands-sometimes being pulled along and somethimes pulling- most often side-by-side. We have made alot of lemonaid from the lemons in our foot path. Don't dwell on the sour times, just add some "sugar" or "honey". We educate each other. The more you know about someone the more you grown closer. After 32 years, i am still being educated....and I do still take Time outs...for understanding and growth.

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wifeathome

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October 10, 2005, 8:31 am PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: laniece

It's quite interesting to me that we are still talking about the woman's role in the home. That is such an old fashioned way of life now. I am married, have three growing boys, a full career and am an active member in the community. My husband has his job and a talented career on the side. Running this household takes both of us. He gets home from work first, he gets the homework started and dinner started. I get home and jump right in to help finish the dinner. I can help finish homework while he starts bathing the littler ones. I start laundry, he takes out the garbage. He does the dishes, I read books with the kids. He takes the kids outside to play while I tidy up, then we both get the kids to bed. That's a sample. Why does society still harp that it's only the woman's roll to do ALL of this? It's odd in this day of both spouses working this only one is getting hounded about getting everything done. Lets get with the times folks.

Why does a wife's role at home have to be "old-fashioned"? If a wife/mom staying at home works best for a family, why should there be a stigma attached to that? I'm a stay-at-home wife. We don't have any kids, but we might someday. I recently exited the workforce when my husband took a new job that paid a little more. I take care of the house during the day. I also have time to volunteer time at a local school. When he gets home, we have dinner together and the whole evening to spend together, or doing whatever we want. We also have weekends free to spend with each other, working on hobbies, traveling, etc. because we have FREE TIME!!! That's something we never had when we were both working. Yes, it's great if you can earn some extra money by having 2 incomes. And it's a "modern" idea for women to go to college, have a career and also be a mom. But what has been sacrificed just so we can hear women roar? The more women want to roar about what they have accomplished, the more they leave their husband's and families in the dust. Why can't a wmoan roar at home and show off her achievements with a beautiful home and great family life? These are great accomplishments, and they serve the needs of the whole family, not just the woman's needs. Calling this role old-fashioned is a discredit to the women who choose to fulfill it.

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