Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

You know exactly what you're saying! It is great to see someone standing up for the Bible, and demonstrating its truth. I'm a recent college graduate, and newlywed. I'm still learning about being a good wife, as my husband is learning to be a good husband, but we're learning together, working together and hoping to start a family together soon. In college I took a class about Christian marriage, and we spent an entire unit on the Genesis passage describing the creation of man and woman. Woman was created from man, but taken from his side so as to be a helper, not subordinate or the sole leader.  

When we do have a family, I probably will stay home. However, this is only because it works out better for us financially -- if he made less money than I did, he would stay home and take care of the kids and the house. As I make less than he does, that responsibility is going to be mine.  

Grant- 

This is for you.  I hope you read this.  Help her!  Raising those babies and taking care of you is like 2 full time jobs.  She is beautiful and loving.  You made vows.  You need to make her feel she is beautiful and loving.  Take her by the hand.  Sit her down with a bottle of wine....and let her wathc her while you do the dishes, the laundry and make her laugh while you are doing it.  That is foreplay. 

I never wanted to get married or have children.  I learned by watching my mother and grandmother that 'to have it all' meant to sacrifice much.  I went to 27 schools between Kindergarten and twelfth grade.  I was exposed to many different opinions, mindsets, and community norms.  All of which I am sure had much influence over my young impressionable mind.  By the time I was an adult I had decided that marriage and children were not for me.  Now a decade later I am married and I have an 8 year old son.   

Before I married I already had a son and a full-time career.  Being a mom proved to be as difficult as I had imagined it would be but I did love my son very much.  I can now admit though that my focus was on my career.  I advanced rapidly and more than doubled my starting salary in less than 2 years.  Then I met my husband.  He had a career of his own as well.  We struggled when we first moved in together but we found common ground.  We do not nitpick over who did what or who is doing more or less than the other, nor do we squabble about how something got done.  Our Motto:  If YOU want it done a certain way, then YOU do it - otherwise simply be happy that it got done. 

Several years after we got together I lost my job.  In my reality I lost more than a job.  I lost my identity and my self worth.  I was very depressed and literally had to fight with myself out loud to get out of bed each day.  As the weeks turned into months I noticed I was more active in my son's life.  I volunteered at school, helped with little league and participated in scouts.  I was happier than I had been in years and people noticed.  The problem was that I didn't notice it.  I hadn't realized how much stress I was under working and how much that stress took away from life.  Instead I felt guilty.  The longer I was off work and adjusted to my new life the more guilt I felt for not working.  I felt like I was letting down the whole woman's movement and the women who had fought to make it happen.  After all, I believed in most of the movement and in equal rights for all.   

One day my husband asked me what it would take to make me happy.  I told him I wanted to be successful.  His response: "Successful at what specifically?  Because you are succesful at being a mother, a wife, a daughter, a sister, and a friend.  All that is lacking is successful employment.  If only one fraction of your life, and a small fraction at that,  is incomplete then why does it have such a total impact your whole attitude?"   WOW.  I hadn't thought of it that way.  In essence he prioritized my roles for me at that moment.  

Now I define success as equipping my son with the tools that he needs to be successful in life and in giving and receiving love from husband, family, and friends.  My husband works more hours than he used to, I do more housework than I care to but at least ALL of us are happy instead of just me.  So I guess what I'm saying is that even though we don't split things 50/50 we're both equal and that makes us balanced.  And that's what it is all about isn't it?  Finding a balance that satisfies the household and not just one person.    

Bureaucracy, no matter where you go or what you are involved in you got it. I am a disabled stay at home dad of 5 yrs now with 4 children. I am now a house husband and my wife works full-time pretty much38 48 hrs a week.  

I am siding with the women on this one, IT IS NOT EASY. This is a full-time job with many perks throughout the marriage and alot of vacation time. Really depends on what you want from a relationship and what you are willing to give up. When you decide on a comittment with someone it is a long term investment, sometimes the stock goes up and othertimes it goes down. This is my 2 cents. 

I am a stay-at-home mom with 7 children (ages 13 to 8 mos.) and the way I figure it, I put in about (3) 8 hour days each day.  The kids and I get up at 6:00am (weekdays)...I get them ready for school, fix breakfast, sign notebooks, papers, etc., fix lunches, and make sure clothes are clean and teeth are brushed.  The 4 older ones leave by 7:15am.  I then start the housework.  I unload/load the dishwasher, vacuum, make beds, tidy rooms, do a few loads of laundry.  By then the 3 younger ones are awake, and I start over.  On Tues. and Thurs. 2 of the 3 younger ones go to mother's day out so that's another 2 baths, another 2 lunches and 2 more round trips into town.  I consider that my first 8 hour day! 

My kids get home from school around 4:30.  I begin my 2nd day...I check backpacks, help with homework, get dinner started.  We try to eat around 6pm (wishful thinking!!).  After dinner, it's cleanup time which means loading dishwasher again!  Add in the occasional girl scout meeting, church activities, sports, etc.  That's the end of day 2. 

Day 3 starts close to bedtime...make sure showers are taken, teeth are brushed, backpacks are packed, clothes are laid out, pick up mess around the house...prepare bottles for nighttime snacking, good night kisses then lights out for them.  End of day 3 and it's only 8:30!  There's always overtime though.  The 2 or 3 times a night the baby wakes up wanting to snack, or, just visit!  The endless times I wake up just to check to make sure everything's ok.  Making sure my 3 year old has actually fallen asleep in his bed and not underneath the door after countless hours of screaming "mommy" at the top of his obviously good lungs. 

Thankfully, though, I have a husband who is not afraid to change a diaper, give a bath or two, help with dinner, clean-up etc.  I figure we both work our butts off all day everyday and there's no point in labelling jobs "his or hers".  The most romantic thing I think my husband can do is help out with the children or housework!  I don't understand how men or women in this day and age can honestly believe in the old stereotypical duties.  I consider my husband the head of our household and I respect his position, but, he in return respects me and what I do.   

I have worked outside the home both before and after having children and so I know I work just as hard if not harder staying at home as I did in the office and I would never consider letting my husband off the hook with responsibility to his home and family because it's "woman's work" or because he'd been working all day.   We're a family and we all work together. 

I 

Bill, you have a bit of a point. 

There was a short period (only 1 month) when my husband was out of work and I went to work (temp agency) while he looked for a new position.  I found that after working all day, I would come home and my husband-who was worn out from watching the kids all day- would want me to take the kids so he could relax. 

I did.  And I discovered that my husband is just as exhausted at the end of a day as I am when he gets home.   

We discovered an absolutely wonderful new appreciation for each other's efforts.  I have a whole new appreciation for what he does for us day in and day out, and he helps a lot more around the house.  We go out of our way to let each other know how much they are loved and respected. 

We now have an agreement that NEITHER of us get to rest until the kids are in bed (7:00 pm) and we ake turns giving each other a night a week out away from the house. 

I would gladly treat my husband like a king... BECAUSE he treats me like a queen. 

Let me say this again...  HE TREATS ME LIKE A QUEEN- NOT A SERVANT.  And THAT'S WHY he gets' his muffins baked, his feet rubbed, and sex whenever he feels like it. 

Lee Ann  

You are being emotionally abused. I'm sure he does have an idea of what you do all day but simply doesn't care. This is all about HIM. You only count in how you can provide him with what he wants, how he wants, when he wants. It will never get better for you because, frankly,  he's got his life arranged the way he wants and sees no reason to change anything, especially anything that might require him to think of someone other than himself. No matter how hard you try, he will never be satisfied; you will always be too stupid, too lazy, too something or other negative to live without him - or so he thinks and probably has said. 

You are college educated, and have been employed so you have skills with which you can support yourself and your child. I'd suggest couple counseling but, as I said, he feels HE'S not the one with the problem. If you can find free or low cost counseling for yourself, go. Trade babysitting with a neighbor so you can go. And start planning a future without him because he will never change. If you're uncertain about this,  imagine spending the next thirty years living like this. Imagine the effect on your child.  

If you decide that this is not the life you want to live, quietly begin to gather your joint financial information, make sure you have credit in your own name, money of your own tucked away, and an emergency suitcase packed in case you have to flee. Have copies of important documents (birth, marriage certificates, passports, mortgage, bank statements, car registration, important phone numbers and addresses, will and health care proxy, powers of attorney etc.) in the suitcase, and hide these where only you can find it, or leave it with a trusted friend. Pack spare clothes etc. for the baby as well (and his records.) Know the local women's shelter number, and/or the numbers of a family member or close friend you can rely on. Confide in the baby's pediatrician. And when you have all your ducks in a row, then you can decide if you want to continue in this life. And if you are threatened, don't wait - leave, preferably when he's not home to try and stop you. He does not own you. 

You may feel very alone right now, but know that you are not. Many women have faced this same situation and not only survived but gone on to thrive in a new life.