Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

I watched  your show today and I felt like I was reliving my marriage of 12 years that ended 16 years ago. My ex was exactly like that, controlling, everything I did was not good enough. My self esteem was below the ground. I tried to do anything to get his approval and I got nowhere. It just got worse. Somewhere I found the strength to separate and later we divorced. This guy today just did not get it. I also had a great fear of my child being beaten down by his father.  I started to see that when my son was 7 years old. It will happen to them also. People do not change their core behavior that easily. They are in trouble, I believe.

     I was a very successful sales trainer for 2 fortune 500 companies before I had my daughter.  I knew deep in my heart that I could not allow someone else to raise her while I worked.  Although my husband did not make as much money as I did and does not have a college degree as I do, I wanted to be the one to raise our child.  I could have easily built my career, dropped off my daughter at daycare, and enjoyed quality time with her for a few hours a night and on weekends.  However, I knew missing out on my daughter's learning and development would be heartbreaking.  I just could not comprehend someone else watching her take her first step (which was amazing) or saying her first words.  So, I stayed home.   

     At first, it was a very tough situation emotionally as well as financially, however it was the best decision we made.  In this day and age of women in the workforce, we are faced with the hardest choices ever.  What I did not realize was how difficult it would be staying home.  I thought that I would have all the time in the world to get things done.  Wow, was I wrong!  It took me 6 months to adjust just so that I could actually cook dinner and have it ready by the time my husband came home from work.  Yes, I actually do that.  I could not believe how Dr. Phil was making the wife feel who also does that.  I was very disheartened by his comments.  I hope he reads these (or has someone who will tell him), because normally I agree with him, but he needs to wake up.  I am sure his wife had dinner on the table and the house clean and did laundry.  I just cannot see having someone who worked all day long come home to cook, clean, and take care of the kids.  That is ludicrous, if the other partner is staying home.  It is not easy, but it can be done.   

     I have many similar characteristics as the "happy" homemaker does.  We both want the best out of ourselves and our families.  It is not easy to get validation or self-worth when you are with your children who don't tell you what a great job you are doing everyday (or any day for that matter).  When I was working, I was told daily by my trainees how much I helped them and how good I was.  I am not saying I have to have that in my life everyday, but some sort of progress report or evaluation sure does help in the workplace as we all know.  And that is something homemakers do not get...ever!  I do have a hard working husband who found a higher paying job who has supported us financially.  He also is wonderful emotionally.  He tells me what a great mother I am, good cook, and that the house is so clean all the time.  I am not trying to be wonder woman, but I am trying to be the best wife and mother for our family.  That is the number one priority on my list:  my family.  If we really think about it, it should be the number one on all of our lists. 

I have to be one of the luckiest women alive. When Dr Phil used the example of a husband treating a wife better at home behind close doors than he does out in public, it brought tears to my eyes just as it did Robins. I know you said a husband doesn't  make you complete, but I definitely would not be the woman I am today if it wasn't for my husband. He makes me feel beautiful no matter my weight, he has given me such support and confidence in myself, I could never have accomplished what I have in my life without him! I am not saying we haven't had our differences, but now that we will be celebrating our 30th anniversary together, I don't consider it an accomplishment, I consider it a privilege. I raised my children for 5 years and then worked outside the home. I had a housekeeper once a week and I had the support of my husband and also my in-laws who would always take our 2 children when they were sick. They have fond memories of laying on the green couch with chicken noodle soup and being babied by grandma. My children are now grown and I have a daughter married with children and a son in the Air Force. They are able to live there own lives and I don't think they have any psychological problems because I went to work. I feel I one of my main jobs as a parent was to raise my children to be able to be a functioning member of society and not to have to depend on others for their livelihood. They are wonderful and loving children that I guess you have figured I love very much!  

From somebody who is way on the other side of this discussion, I think the most important thing Dr. Phil said was that each person in the marriage should know him or her self and be true to that self.  Never become half of another person.  And you have to respect the other person.  All the other stuff falls away when these elements are present.  Unfortunately, this is an area that most of us don't get hold of until much later in life after we've made a few messes.

I'm sure some people will still find a way to argue with me about it, and that's fine because I am comfortable and secure in my role, my decisions and my choices.  

  

I could have written that exact same sentence despite our different choices.  You know what's right for you, and I know what's right for me.  By the way, I enjoyed re-watching you on the show after our discussions last time.  It's like I had a better perspective on what you were saying.  Hope you all had a great Christmas. 

There are hundreds of aspects that you obviously haven't thought about before you went off about your division of labor. I suggest you spend a little more time thinking about everything that is involved in being a part of the workforce in a capitalist society and then lets have this discussion.  

 

Is this still all about whether someone has researched the topic enough before they discuss it "adequately" with you?  Are you still unable to put some of your engineering aside and just try to LISTEN to what someone is saying?  Look, I work outside the home, so I know what the workforce is like.  When I have a week off, I'm at home.  Those are the weeks I am most tired......because those are the weeks I don't get a lunch break, I don't get an uninterrupted potty break, and I have kids constantly interrupting what I'm trying to get done.  Do you have kids all over you at work?  Do you have people following you around, messing up your desk after you've just cleaned it up, asking you non-stop questions?   

  

I'm starting to think that you just don't have the ability to hear what someone is trying to say, even if their words aren't exactly what you think they should be.  I realized that again yesterday when even  Dr. Phil was getting frustrated that you weren't hearing what he was trying to say about not having a critical spirit.  Good luck to you both in finding some way of communicating better. 

 "How well would that go over with your husband and his boss?"
Grant,
That's just it... you're not your wife's boss!  You are her husband, her partner... NOT her boss. 

The woman who you were responding to in the prior post had a lot of valid points.  You're right, in industry if a poor decision is made, tragedies happen.  And at home, if poor decisions are made.... tragedies happen.  Oh, I'm not talking about the poorly cooked meal, or the unwashed laundry.... I'm talking about the burnt hand on the hot stove, the child not given enough attention who decides to get it elsewhere, the daughter who never saw mom stand up to dad and ended up thinking that it was ok to be abused by men.... DO NOT DEMEAN WHAT YOUR WIFE DOES. 

I am a woman who for all intents and purposes "has it all".  I am a Mom who is able to put my son on the bus in the morning and is able to get him off in the afternoon.  In the hours in between I work at a job that I find very fulfilling and which allows me to earn quite a bit of money.  My now husband respects everything that I do, he loves me, loves my son and he and I both work to keep our house running properly.  It wasn't always like that.  There were times as a single mom that I worked 65-70 hours a week.  My mom and my fiance pitched in and kept my son, helped keep my household running, helped with homework and such.... even then, I knew that there was no decision that I would make that day that was as important as sitting down with my son and talking to him about his day.

Grant, I honestly believe that you have a lack of respect for women in general.  The way that you "Talk down" to not only your wife, but to the woman that you were just speaking to - it's really disgusting.  I believe that the poster that you were talking to HAD thought of all of the aspects that you were thinking of and STILL finds that her JOB is just as important as her husbands.  She was not COMPLAINING about the fact that she is a SAHM, she was explaining that she does a very important job.  YOU demeaned that.  Which makes you a very small, human being. 

If your wife is smart - you'll find out soon just how quickly a wife or a husband can expect to NOT have their job when they don't treat their partner with respect.  Grow up Grant.
Firstamom

Let me tell you a story that will make you laugh.  My husband and I first Thanksgiving together was really different (we where engaged, not married yet).  I had worked the late shift the night before until midnight.  Got up early that morning with little or no sleep to fix him a turkey with all the trimmings.  When it was time to sit down and eat I asked him to crave the turkey.  He informed me that the men in his family DON'T crave the turkey, it's women work.  I looked at him with a smile got up from the table picked up the turkey and throw it in the trash and walked out of the house.  I then drove around for about 20 minutes and felt bad about what I did and came back.  When I walked up to the house and looked in the window and saw him washing the bird under the sink with water so he could eat it, I started to laugh.  He saw me laughing and started to laugh also.  He married me 2 months later and after 24 years of marriage, he craves that bird every year without being asked.  I asked him why did you still want to marry me after I did that to you.  He said because I had a back bone and he respected me for that.   

I have always worked outside the home.  My husband and I have 2 adult children.  My husband is my best friend and partner.   

Marriage is like working as a team.  Not a coach and player.   Grant needs to help out more and quit complaining about the little stuff that doesn't matter.  Life is too short.  When you see something that needs to be done around the house JUST DO IT!  I truly wish Kelly and Grant the best of luck. 

 Diana - I have absolutely no problem with your mindset.  If you CAN be a SAHM and you have the desire to do so - I think that is fabulous.  I think it's wonderful.  I have no problem being the caretaker and taking care of my husband - not because it is the traditional role, not because "I should" - but because I love him more than anything in this world and I WANT to take care of him, and I WANT to make him happy.

That being said - my house is not neat, I am not a good cook - lucky me - my husband is understanding and didn't expect that I would miraculously change when he put the ring on my finger.  I work on being more organized and getting systems in place - not so that I'm a better wife or mom - because I AM good at both of those roles, but because it will make ME feel better.

I am not a SAHM.  There was a time when I thought that was a role that I would love to have.  However, after being a single mom for 7 years, I've decided that I will probably always need to work outside of the home for my own happiness.  Luckily, my husband is supportive of that decision.  I am a successful businesswoman in my own right and I ENJOY what I do immensely - my son is learning from me that it's important to find something that you love to do and to do it.  He is also learning that balance is key - after 7 years of working to make ends meet - I have a position that allows me to work from 9AM - 4PM - so I am able to put him on the bus in the morning and to get him off the bus in the afternoon. 

My son spent time in daycares.  As a single mom - there was no choice. I have read posts on the boards about "letting someone else raise your children".  Let me set the record straight - NO ONE raised my child for me.   There was never a point in time where my son was confused as to WHO his mother was...

Diana - I don't think that it was your intention to stir a debate as to whether it's ok to work outside the home or whether being a SAHM is better than working outside of the home -I think that this has gotten misconstrued and stretched so far out of whack that it's not even funny.  Isn't it a wonderful world that we live in that we have the CHOICE of how to best raise our children and provide for our family?  Isn't it wonderful that we live in a world where there are men who DO appreciate their wives, whether they choose to stay home and be a household executive or whether they choose to work outside of the home?  I admire ANY woman who has found a way to make it work... who has been able to find happiness. 

I am forever greatful to my husband who has no problem coming home after a long day of work and throwing in a load of laundry - who has no problem ordering pizza because I'm too tired to cook - who has no problem unloading the dishwasher every morning so that I don't have to.  We do for one another because we love and respect one another and because we want to make each others loads.... just a little lighter.
Sincerely,
Firstamom

First I would probably laugh until I couldn't breathe.  Then I would innocently suggest that she put up the calendar in her own home so my husband could enjoy it whenever he comes to visit his dear mother.  My husband would probably pin it up right in the middle of her kitchen. 

  

And we would probably laugh together about the incident the entire way home.