I grew up with unhappy parents who drank and fought and beat us kids. I decided as a child that I would not be like this with my husband or my kids. I decided that my marriage would be a partnership with a good man who would treat me as his equal and not as his servant. But I also knew that I could not go around treating my husband like he was my personal ATM machine or my dumping ground when I'd had a bad day. I also decided that I'd make sure I kept a healthy balance of time spent with my husband and with friends so that my husband and I would not be co-dependant and/or drive each other nuts.
My fiance is a farmer. He's very traditional and lives in a very traditional community in Scotland. It is ok for a woman to be a housewife and stay at home without seeking a career. We have both decided that I will be a housewife and my career will be that of taking care of the house, the meals and the kids (with his help!) He would run the farm. I am comfortable with this choice because while he toils on the farm I toil in the house and we both respect one another's hard day of work. Neither of us feels superior to the other. He busts his hump fixing fences and comes home to a hot meal laid out in a clean kitchen. It's such a delight to provide him with the comforts of home while he provides me with a home!! It's a team effort. I do the laundry, he digs out new drainage ditches. I scrub the floors and he shovels cow poo out of the barns. Together we make it happen because on our own we'd get hardly anything done. When he needs my help with the farm work I go and give him a hand but it's ok with him if I'm not strong enough to do something. And it is also ok with him if I say, "I need to go back to the house because it's time to get dinner started." It is ok with me that I'm not strong enough to do all of the work and that I will be returning to the house to cook our meal. I never feel inferior. There are days when he comes home after 12 hours of hard work and sees me up to my eyes in housework. He'll roll up his sleeves and do the dishes or vaccum the floors without giving me any grief or making me feel guilty. This way I can accept his help without worrying. The entire community of farmers respect the housewifes (farmwives?) who work hard all day long. I have never been made to feel inerior by any of the men I have met or hosted at the farm house. Many times farmers get together and rotate amongst the farms for harvesting crops and other big jobs. The farmwives at each farm cook up a big meal and feed them all. I suppose someone could look at me as I rush about the house desparately throwing together a big meal for five or ten hungry men and think, "What an oppressed woman she is!" But that is not the case. The case is: it is perfectly ok for me to be a Woman. I do not have the pressure of "keeping up with the boys" yet at the same time I don't have the irritation of being "just a woman." I have worked some tough jobs: helicopter mechanic in the U.S. Navy, firefighter and EMT in Alaska. I am not some brain-washed woman that has no idea what it means to be "free." I have made the choice to be a housewife without anyone pressuring me or convincing me that it was the right thing for me to do. It was more of an agreement between me and my fiance rather then an expectation. I told him I wanted to be a housewife and he smiled and told me he wanted me to be a housewife too. We were both very happy with the choice.
As for dressing up, I have to admit that I really enjoy treating my man. I really love it when he comes home and there is a nice table set for him with napkins and food laid out in pretty dishes. He comes in and scrubs himself clean and takes off his coveralls so that he comes into the house fresh and clean. I enjoy washing up and changing into some nice clothes and fixing my hair and maybe dabbing on some perfume and a bit of makeup so that I can see his eyes light up when he walks through the door. His eyes light up regardless but it's still nice to take him by surprise every now and then. And why not be fresh and clean after my own hard afternoon of working and sweating? He does the same for me!
I'm in America waiting to visit him again in the winter. I really miss my life there on the farm. We are going to get married this summer and I am really looking forward to moving to be with him permanently. We do have our problems and we do butt heads but the key to our sucess is that we are both willing to listen to one another, compromise with one another, work out our problems so they don't rule our lives and, most importantly of all, we are capable of backing off and allowing one another to have the last word or to make the decison. Sometimes it's ok to "get your way" as long as getting your own way is not done by playing games and manipulating. We just decide to be selfless and let the other person do or have what they are asking for when we know we aren't going to suffer beacuse of it.
(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.
