Hey Grant,
I know that you are getting bashed quite a bit lately, but I am a wife who wants you to "get it", because Kelly is awesome!
Here's a little trick my husband plays on me and I love it: Every night when I make dinner, he always beams from across the table and tells me, "THAT is the BEST MEAL I have EVER eaten!" Is he telling me the truth? I doubt it. But what he IS telling me with that compliment is that he appreciates the effort and just wants to compliment me because I am special to him no matter how lousy of a cook I am.
The other night, seriously, the meal was horrible, and I knew it. He said it anyway and guess what? The next night he got his favorite meal and I made a special effort to have the house just the way he likes it! (And belive me, I had to work at it- like Kelly, it's just not one of my "talents", and I know it.)
If you give Kelly the emotional filling that she wants, (time, PUTTING YOUR RING BACK ON!, compliments, HELP instead of criticism...) you will get an attentive wife. We DO love to please. It's our nature and maybe some of us are better at it than others, but then some husbands are better at being everything WE need than others, if you kindly catch my drift??
You are an engineer. Your brain THINKS like and engineer. You were taught to think that way with schooling and training. You CAN be TAUGHT to be kinder and less critical to Kelly. When you give genuine compliments, believe me, we know the difference and can function on days with a few kind words!
I have to ask you- why did you marry her? For her cooking and cleaning skills? I don't think so. I bet it was because you loved her. Do you still? Be honest with yourself. If it's "no", then I bet you are smart enough to recognize the problem- after all, you are an engineer- trained to fix circuits and errors in design. Recognize this problem and don't see Kelly as something that needs fixing. She is a woman- wired so much differently than you and functions on a whole different circuit.
Now I just gotta say this about the ring thing....as kind as I can: If my husband didn't wear his ring, I would be devistated. There are no strong enough words to explain the feeling of sadness that I would feel. Sure, it's just a traditional hunk of gold, but what it stands for to a woman is security in who she is in YOU. You are sending her a message that she is not even special enough to acknowledge in public, or that she has to "re-earn" your love by what she does. You gave her your love at your wedding ceremony, you don't get to take it back. It's not in the agreement. You promised "in good times and bad". This is "in bad" for the moment. If you want to see a change in Kelly, put that ring on in front of her re-vowing not to take it off and see if it doesn't put a smile on her face- if you genuinely mean it! You are intentionally hurting her and holding it over her head, and let me tell you, that is unbecoming of a husband.
I gotts say this too...I am a Christian and have struggled for many years with the verses in the Bible that say "Women, submit to your husbands". By nature, I am sooooo NOT submissive! It was taught to me that this verse is a command, because by nature, women are not submissive. We naturally struggle with it, did you know that? And at the same time, the rest of the verse says, "Husbands, love your wives." Now what a silly "command", and yet... not so silly! Husbands need to be reminded to LOVE them, because it does not come easily or naturally to them...did you know that about men? Now you do. Hope it helps you see the differences in our genders.
You can do this! Make all of us wives proud that you "get it" and see that Kelly needs love, not bullying and finger pointing. Keep at it and don't give into all of the negative bashing on here. We wives are just frustrated with you and yet, as wives, we can rally behind husbands to help them become wonderful where they are not. (Behind every good man is a good woman, you know...:)
We will be watching to see the changes you make. You can do this! Kelly, stick with him and lovingly show him what you need. Us gals are with ya!
(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.
