Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

 Wow this show was perfectly timed for me. 
I've been working FT my whole adult life.  My husband & I worked toward the goal of "a better life" for ourselves and our children.  Our oldest is now a sophmore in college and my youngest a senior in HS.  This summer was the first time in 20 years that I stayed home - no career, no income.  The response from my family - what took so long?  They loved me being home (even though they no longer really "needed" me) but they really needed me! No more resentments with household chores neglected, breakfast, lunch and dinner meals prepared, house clean and tidy and my energy level is incredible!  More time for me has given me also more time for them!  My husband has shown his appreciation for the things I do in so many ways.  The lack of my income has made a difference in our lifestyle, but the time I now spend with my family is so much more gratifying.  I never thought I would be house wife.  I loved my womanly life - career, family & home.  I wish I had figured this out sooner.  My ego would not allow me to stay home and clean.  How ignorant of me.  Life keeps getting more and more interesting and I never would have imagined that this is where I would be.

I have to say, I am extremely disgusted with Grant on todays Dr. Phil show.  In my opinion hw is not showing his wife any respect at all.  He belittles her, makes her feel so low, and clearly that is not love.  If he TRULY loved his wife, he would be 100% supportive on the effort she makes in their home.  She cooks, cleans, and takes care of their children.  That is a very tough job.  His idea of a wife is not ideal, wearing sexy clothing all day long.  She is taking care of his children for goodness sake!   

He has an unrealistic idea of what marriage is.  I can't even believe she would put up with this.  The way he talks to her, is treating her like a child. He himself is not perfect, FAR from it.  I just
feel very blessed to have a caring, supportive husband.  He supports me in all aspects of our marriage.  Cooking, cleaning, taking care of our daughter, etc.  I feel very sorry for Kelly, she really deserves better. 

What makes relationships work is loving someone where they are.  Loving someone where you want them to be is pointless, self-defeating, and emotionally damaging for the person you're projecting these notions of perfection upon.  Grant's problem seemed to me to stem from loving the image of what he wanted his wife to be more than he actually loved her.  All that does is leave them both feeling unfulfilled.  If he wants to make that marriage work, he needs to get rid of the Stepford wives fantasy and started embracing the reality of his wife who loves him and would probably like nothing better than to be an equal partner with her husband. 

  

I'm stubborn, strong willed, independent, opinionated, and sarcastic.  That's who I am.  When I get married, my future husband will have to be willing to love me where I am, even if he doesn't understand or even agree with some if it, just as I'll have to be prepared to love him where he is.  But there's a second step to this: not loving what you want your spouse to become, but loving what they want to become themselves.  I could never marry a man who didn't support my dreams and aspirations and who wouldn't do anything in his power to help me work toward them.  And I wouldn't expect any man to marry me who didn't feel he could expect the same from me. 

  

As for the debate between staying at home versus being in the workplace, let me say that I respect the hell out of stay at home moms.  I realize that it's a very tough job.  But it's not what I want for myself.  I'm working on my MA in religion with the expectation of getting my PhD.  I can assure you, I'm not working on those degrees just to have something pretty to hang on my wall.  I plan to use them.  And I don't appreciate women who insinuate that I'm somehow less of a woman because I won't be staying at home with the kids.  So, Diana, I'll make you a deal.  I won't call you a backwards, old-fashioned pushover, and you can lay off the belief that perfect wives stay at home, okay? 

  

And because I am a religion student and I just can't help myself, you are all barking up the wrong tree about this Adam and Eve business.  For one thing, there are two creation accounts in the book of Genesis.  In the first one (complete with the 6 "literal" days of creation), man and woman were created AT THE SAME TIME on the 6th day.  None of this Adam's rib tomfoolery.  That's in the creation account in chapter 2 (without 6 days and with creation occurring in a different order than in the ch. 1 account).  Let's not get too hasty trying to assure our husbands of their place as head of household, because for all you literal 6-day creationists, they weren't created before us and didn't give up a rib to do so.  And since I'm stirring the religious pot so much, Moses didn't write all of the first 5 books of the Bible and Jonah wasn't literally swallowed by a whale. 

I just have to say this: I must be the biggest witch to live with EVER. My poor husband--I personally have NO "desire" to keep a perfect house or do half the crap I'm reading people say on here. I think life is about a heck of a lot more than cleaning, cooking and taking care of ANYONE, I don't care WHO does it!!! My husband works, and helps around the house and does all the stuff I hate (spider patrol, heavy lifting, cleaning out grout, gross stuff) we both decorate and paint together, he loves to cook so he cooks on weekends or whenever he wants, we BOTH do the dishes at night--we both do laundry (so does my son, thank you--I totally think kids need to pitch in all the time). We plan trips together, wash the carpets or take turns mowing the lawn. He works hard, I work hard and sometimes we complain and moan together but good GOD, it's not about "him doing this" or "me doing that"--- it's US, having a life together. Some days I crash and just veg..and some days he does. I can't imagine feeling like I HAD to do anything "for" my husband. I just can't.  

Point is: Our house and it's "maintence" is like the last thing on our lists!!!!! If anyone EVER "graded" me on ANYTHING I did --and they weren't say, MY CHEMISTRY TEACHER, I'd hit them over the head with a bat and tell them where to go!   

I just have no idea where men like Grant come from or how they ever got married in the first place.  

    I honestly belive that in order to be a good wife, you have to have a good husband. Someones whose expectations arent of perfection but are of unconditional love and understanding. My husband and I were on the verge of divorce about 7 months ago. And one day, I took all of the marriage lessons I learned on Dr. Phil and put them together. I sat him down and instead of us yelling and screaming at eachother and making threats....we talked about what we wanted, how we felt, what the other one was doing or wasnt doing that made us feel bad. And it worked. I havnet been this happy in years and I am more in love with him today than I was three years ago.  I think Im a good wife, Im not perfect lord knows that nobody is. But I do cook and clean and raise our children, I do the shopping and all the "wife duties." But not because I am told too or because I have to, but I do them because I want to. And he does not critisize me for taking a day off or because I made something quick and easy for dinner. Its because he understands that I do the best I can and thats all he asks for. I have learned to appreciate what he does and I honestly feel that he appreciates what I do. What I do makes me feel good. Not only did I do all these things during the day but for the last two years I worked nights. From 11 at night until 7 in the morning. Not because he made me but because I knew we needed the money and I wanted to contribute.  I have a three year old and a nine month old now and I still do it. In the last month, a few good things have happened for us. Finding our own place that we could afford without me working so much. So I have gone down to only working two nights a week. And now we dont really need me to work, but I want to. And its working for us. We make decissions together. I have changed a lot. As soon as I realized it wasnt just him, I could put forth more effort. I went from saying I want a divorce several times a day....to NOT SAYING IT AT ALL in 7 months. And its because I too had to realize what I had. People are too busy taking eachother for granted. So in my mind....in order to be a good wife....you MUST have a good husband. 

SMD 

I have never been married, but I lived with a man for six years who was to say the least  an immature over critical, jerk, and alchoholic.  This is what I learned.  If he doesn't like what you do, how you clean...let HIM clean it.  If he treats you like a child, and degrades you.... he is the child, don't stoop to his level your silence is the last word.  what makes the perfect wife, or girl friend, or partner is not how they clean, what they wear, or what they make...it is how they treat you, if they try to make you happy, if they treat you like you are the king/vise vera the king.  It is not who cleans what or who cooks , it is who is ther e for the other.  It's respect, honesty, understanding. 

  

Hi, 

   I don't think anyone should down play the importance of a stay at home wife/mother. Nor the importance of a working wife/mother. I think both are equally important roles that we as women take on. I believe that as women going into the this century, we have learned more about our role and more importantly our place is society than ever before. We are realizing that we are not socially subservient to men and are beginning to take are place as equals and enforcing our new found power. 

    I believe that this power can be found in any place a woman my be whether it be in the home or in the work place or both.  

    My point is that a stay at home wife/mother is just as important and as powerful a role as a wife/mother whose is in the work place. It is all about balance, love, and respect in one's relationship with one's husband.  

   I have been married for 4 months. I am only 23 and just recently graduated from college. Needless to say, my skills as a stay at home wife are not perfect. I choose to stay home these first few months because I wanted to get a handle running the household before I went to work. 

     Things were rough in the beginning because there was no balance. What were my responsibilities and what were my husbands. After sitting down and talking it out, the balance was found. Cleaning, cooking, laundry, bills, and the overall running of the household was my job. But my husband could not just come home at 3:30 after work throw his clothes all over the clean floor and leave magazines everywhere. It made for a vicious circle of continual cleaning. Therefore, my husband just cleans up after himself. He puts his dirty clothes in the hamper and puts his magazines away. It was really important for him to do that because it was respectful and it made me feel like he appreciated what I was doing. 

     Now we have a balance and as the months move forward, I am getting away form the college dorm life that I had of mess and clutter to a organized living environment. I feel that now when I go back to work in January my husband and I have a clear idea of the balance that it takes to have a great relationship. 

    In the end, my husband would have a hard time getting through the day without all the things that I do for him. It would be much harder for him. And that is where the importance of what we do as women comes from and that is where are power as women are. I think we should realize that and be proud of it. 

How can Grant ever believe that his wife could ever want to be sexy for a man that belittles her so many times over.   Who wants to go to bed with a tyrant---after he yells or picks everything to pieces it would kill all feelings for the personal time in most normal women. 

  

I just wished I had my wife with me.  I lost her to a heart attack.  It was a complete surprise as she was a healthy 32 year old.  I expected to go first since I am 22 years her senior. 

  

That man does not know how lucky he is.  I can still see the love in her eyes for him, but I also see her disappointment.  My wife and my soul mate is and was the best thing that ever happened to me.  After her death and going through some things of hers, I found the love notes and letters and love cards I had written to her.  In that instant I realized how that I had not even fathomed the depth of her love for me.  Dr. Phil I love my wife and every day I miss more that I can describe. 

  

It is beyond me as I watch my male friends and how they treat their wife and what that gentleman on tv is treating his wife how they can be so thoughtless and selfish.   

  

My now seven year old daughter and myself live everyday with thoughts of love for Ana and we also live with the pain of the separation.  Without the support of Ana's family and my own family we, Sarah and I, would be literally a total mess. 

  

So you men out there who are still fortunate to have their loving wife, please appreciate her, because you never know when you will lose or how you will lose your wife. 

  

I am just glad that I gave my Ana all my love...I lost someone very precious. 

  

Her loss will always be with me and her memories will give me much joy.