Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Grant, 

Sometimes a way someone does something has more to do with how their parents did something than the "right" way to do it.  My husband always asks me why I use a paring knife to peel potatoes instead of a peeler.  His mom used a peeler; my mom used a paring knife.  My husband worries that I'm going to cut my finger while peeling potatoes, but it hasn't happened -- it's what I'm used to.   

Another example is that when washing pots and pans, my mom always put them on a dish towel on the countertop to dry.  My husband's mom used a drying rack.  I can't stand having a drying rack taking up counter space. 

My husband and I have different experiences for doing things.  Just because they are different doesn't mean that they are wrong -- both achieve the same result.  The pots and pans become dry; the potatoes are peeled. 

Look at how Kelly's mother did things and you may find that Kelly does things the same way.  Afterall, you should have known when you marry a woman you get her mother.  I keep reminding my husband that my parents have been married 50 years (happily), so it can't be a bad thing to be married to my mother.  lol 

Dianna 

WHO does that husband think he is?!   He surely is not a "Stepford" husband!   He needs to remember:  You GET what you GIVE!    She is his P-A-R-T-N-E-R, not his robot.  Who made him so darned "special" that he thinks he deserves what he is demanding?!           I wouldn't put up with him for one single minute.  She needs to get a backbone.......he's not worth all that stress!   But, it's like Dr. Phil says: you teach people how to treat you, and if she wants to continue wallowing in all that, be my guest.  I'd be finding someone who would appreciate me just BEING THERE!!!   

And anyway, Grant................HOW'S THAT WORKIN' FOR YA?! 

How can we bring up the latest messages without going thru pages after pages?? 

Would like to work backwards instead of frontwards.  Thx lw 

well now you are sounding more like a normal husband....this isn't about fixing Kelly then.  It is about a "couple" who wants to learn how to make cleaning and straightening up easier without killing yourselves.  Because you BOTH want an orderly house but somehow cannot keep up.  Wellllll now....this should have been a whole different show then.....not wifestyles.  Geez Grant....ya sure know how to get people to hate you.  I agree with this last poster.....time and the ages of the children will make it easier as they grow.  Soon enough, the children will be cleaning up after themselves.  Until then....find a storage area for most of the toys (assuming there are lots) and once a week bring out what you consider a manageable amount.  You can rotate the toys as often as you need to to keep their interest, while keeping down the number.  Keep  a net bag with many sip cups and bottles if you have a baby.  Each night after the children go to bed.  Take a few minutes to fill a whole days worth of the kids drinks for the next day.  Saves so much time when struggling with kids to have those ready at all times.  Make up their little snack paks ahead too.  I have a plastic bin under the sink that I just throw each emptied cup or snak pak into as they are used.....at night I get out the bin, wash all of the kids utensil and cups and refill them for the next day.  That keeps them out of the sink, off the counter.  Get a laundry basket....set it in a central location during the day....anything that you don't have time to put away immediatly, ya throw in there.  You can shove it in the closet if someone comes over unexpectedly or in this case (before Grant comes in the door)  and go through the basket when the kids are put to bed.  As the kids get older...they can help ya go through that basket and help put things away before bed.  If your children are all pre school, then they should all be taking a nap at some point in the day.  Kelly should be able to lie down herself for a rest at this time .  The children should have a safe area (childproof) where they can play on their own for a while  as Kelly does some chores or starts dinner.  Taking care of the kids alone during the day  amounts to the same exhausting job  you do.  So all the rest is a bonus for you if Kelly has it done before you get home.  When our children were young....my husband would have total control of the kids for about 3 hours on a Saturday or Sunday, while I would cook meals ahead for the whole week  or at least 6 days....one night a week we'd order in.....that was a blessing and a nice break.  Anyway....I'd precook the main dishes like lasagna or chicken breasts....whatever.....and freeze them.  In the morning before the hubby went to work....he'd pull out of the freezer what meal he'd like that night.  I may have had to cook up some veggies real quick each night that was it.  However, you two could find a cooking class to go to together (wouldn't hurt to get a sitter) and you'd be suprised how much fun it could be to share in that.  You aren't alone in the meal department.  They have groups of couple that get together once or twice a month that all go and teach others to cook their favourite dish.  Each couple brings a recipe....they all go to the grocer together then go back to one person's house and they all cook these meals. Ya all cook enough to be split up to suit how many people ya have in each family. Depending on how many couples there are....that is how many meals you have to take home and freeze.   Another time saver....Each time  ya cook a big meal.....cook enough for two or 3 dinners for the family.  Freeze the other two.  Label them of course with date.  Then when ya have a hectic day.....just take a meal out.  If counter space is such a problem....the bin under the sink thing should clear up some space....also by putting the used pots in the oven till after dinner, gets them out of the way till cleanup time.  Also leaves the counter clear for any last minute preps for supper.  There are alot of time saver ideas out there....Just remember....you are not going to have a spotless house till the kids get older and can help with the chores.  Just suck it up Grant and learn to deal with it.  Help Kelly with everything so you both can relax at the same time at night, and maybe ya won't both be too exhausted for the fun stuff.  Quit the criticism too. Kelly should get time over the weekend to go out of the home and do something she enjoys too.  Just as you should.  If you cannot live with imperfection then you must just find some medication that will keep you from making everyone miserable around you.   

No one really understands how to be an engineer until they do it, either.  No one really understands how to be a lawyer until the do it.  No one understands how to be a doctor until the do it.  See where this is going? 

I guess when my husband has a bad day at work, he should just "renegotiate".  He's self-emplyed, so he would lose all his business, but if he had a boss, he'd surely get fired. 

I don't think she should have to stay up and watch a movie if she's tired, but sometimes you have to show your husband you love him even when you are tired.  That's just common relationship technique. 

Anyway, I agree with what Amy said.  You must be proud that you set your husband straight.  Must've felt really good.  I'm sure it did wonders for your marriage. 

Diana

Dr. Phil - I saw the rerun of Kelly and Grant.  Grant does need to seek some therapy because I see in him someone who will ruin his children's lives with trying to make them excellent.  I have seen this happen and the kids don't turn out the way his expectations think they will.   

But to the point of the show.  I didn't hear what kind of up bringing that he had so I wonder what Grant's parents' role was in his ideas that he is trying to put off on Kelly today?   

Whatever it is, he should explore TA so that he can stop being the PARENT.   

In a marriage with an engineer, I have one "an electrical engineer" I think learning TA is extremely beneficial. 

About half way through my marriage, I realized several things that came to the surface.  These were not all things, and they will seem menial.  I realized that my husband would wake up and say "up with Adam" to me and wake me up when he got up.  I did not have to get up after our kids were older and sleeping later (my son woke up at the crack of dawn until he was about 9 always needing me and when younger of course I would have to wake up with him, not my husband).  I wanted,  deserved, to sleep in until the sun came up.  My husband was getting me up so that I would fix the coffee and make him his breakfast and serve it to him while he watched the news.  I soon realized when my daughter started high school and I was taking her to school and leaving at 6:30 am he would get up and make his own breakfast.  After she was driving, I politely asked him not to wake me up since he was used to making his breakfast anyway.  He has never asked since.  Not only was I making his breakfast, I would tell him it was ready and he would ask me to BRING IT TO HIM.  This bugged me more than "up with Adam" and making his breakfast.  I was serving his lazy BU---.  I was his mother waiting on him.  To this day, he makes his own breakfast, except on weekends and occasionally when running late to catch a plane, understandable stuff. 

The other "menial" thing that I began to dislike was he would ask me to cut his toenails when they were too long.  I would never get around to it and he still would wait and ask day's later.  I told him one day, no one trims my nails for me.   I told him that I was not his mother.  If he wanted his nail trimmed to call her.  I wasn't mad or acting childish but I reminded him that if I begin to do things like that for him that he would not see me as anything else.  His sexual interest in my would revert to trimming toe nails and that he would probably start looking for a woman who he would never have the nerve to ask that of.   He doesn't ask me anymore. 

Grant should be careful that he doesn't turn his wife into his mother.  Would he want to marry his mother?  By the time Kelly is his mother he will not want her as his wife any longer.  That is my message. 

Before I had children, I was neat, my house was spotless (although I was never a fanatic).  Children especially a busy one changes everything.  For years I was embarrassed for someone to come over unexpected.  I would not let them in.  It took three days to clean up for invited guests to come over on a Saturday, even with regular cleaning help.  Thank goodness my husband did not criticize me.  It would have sent me over the edge and I believe that he knew that and worked with me.   

He would have loved for the house to be spotless, the day the cleaning people came in he would always come home early, I believe just to enjoy no clutter.  He would say on that day, he sure likes a clean house, but never made me feel that he was saying that to me because he knew I would have liked one too.  There is a season.   

Terri Matern