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Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:34:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.

 

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April 10, 2006, 10:12 pm CDT

Uunrecognised Aspergers'

Quote From: murjoh

Hmmm - from a 'personality type' to a syndrome : scary!    Wikipedia article reports Asperger's people saying a "cure" is neither possible or desirable.    You say 'they cannot really change'.   Maybe some things *are* just too deep to fundamentally change but surely intellectual recognition of how one's behavior negatively impacts others with even just a tad of emotional empathy would have some people adjusting their behavior to some extent? 

  

I can't tell whether I'd ever have had a definate or possible Asperger's diagnosis.    Myers-Briggs doesn't indicate so but some of the characteristics fit.   However I definately do think I've changed in those aspects substantially over the years (no therapy by the way) and don't like to think me, Grant or anyone else just *cannot* change!?!? 

Myers-Briggs will not pick up Asperger's characteristics and is not very well regarded by psychologists due to some fundamental flaws and lack of reliability.  Very few therapists or marriage counsellors have studied the syndrome and often don't recognise it in the adults they are counselling - it certainly slipped b y Dr Phil.  Here are some excerpts from a paper by Carol Grigg on the website of a support group at www.aspia.org.au 

"Asperger's Syndrome is known to involve rigidity of thought and behaviour and a tendency to make and enforce rules for ordinary, everyday things without an inbuilt flexibility or adaptability that provides for "on the spot" change/deviation or "spontaneous" alternatives that family life may demand or require.  Instead, families experience a sense of feeling rail-roaded, bullied or manipulated in some way into satisfying the Asperger parent's need for the way its' "supposed" to be done....this can reduce family life to a system of systems, rules, roles, routines and formulas to ensure the predictability, order and "correctness" that the Asperger person seems to need in their life and environment.  ...Family members describe the AS person as appearing to be completely self-centred and unable to acknowledge or display awareness of the individual thoughts, feelings, interests, preferences, abilities, stages and needs of individual family members, which necessarily need to be incorporated into the daily functioning, flow and decisions of family life". 

"The person with AS seems completely lacking of insight into the impact that their behaviours, words or neglect are having on family members.....People with AS operate constantly with an elevated sense of anxiety.  They are seeking to navigate social situations and relationships WITHOUT THE INBUILT INTUITIVE SKILLS that non-Asperger people possess naturally.  They are impaired in the ability to sense an atmosphere within a roomor group of people, accurately read the body language or facial expression of those around them.....they have a level of awareness of personal inadequacy but lack the ability to know what to do about this inadequacy.." 

  

by Dr Linda Demer, Uni of California Los Angeles Medical School: 

"What's happening is that the spouses and partners of adults with AS are desperate to be validated, to know that they are not imagining things, that something really is off-kilter in their loved one's intimate communications..." 

  

And from Recognizing AS adults in today's challenging world by Roger N. Meyer 2003: 

"AS individuals have problems identifying their emotions and the emotions of others, problems that can lead to outbursts of frustration, anger and rage.  To convince others of their point of view, some individuals become argumentative, righteous and persistent beyond reason.  Passive AS  individuals might go silent or withdraw from the same stressful conditions." 

See also www.maxineaston.co.uk, www.faaas.org , www.aspar.klattu.com.au and www.asperger-marriage.info 

 
July 18, 2006, 8:23 pm CDT

His Problem

I feel so sorry for Kelly. It is clear that Grant is the one with the problem, the problem being that he has absaloutely no respect for his own wife and treats her like a pet he's training. But the fact that Kelly stays with him and puts up with it really annoys me. They are both contributing to the problem. I know I wouldn't put up with it.
 
July 29, 2006, 8:50 am CDT

My husband expects a stepford housewife too

 My husband doesn't like to cleanup after himself.  For example: leaves garbage out, doesn't empty the garbage even if it is full, leaves partially fill coffee cups or dirty dishes that never make it to the dishwasher, or he is so lazy that sometimes he leaves urine in a bottle that he keeps by his bed.  I know this is what he learned while he was growing up as his mom did not keep the house clean.  I can understand why it happens.  What I can't stand is the unwillingness to keep the house tidy!  When asked nicely he says he'll do it tomorrow but tomorrow comes in about 2 weeks or whenever he feels like it.  Or if I get mad and yell at him he calls me a big nag and tells me to go visit my mom and dad.  This is so annoying and frustrating that he won't clean up after himself that a lot of times I don't want to come home.  I don't want to live in this unsanitary household for myself and the kids.  He doesn't seem to see my view though.  I am just the nagging wife.
 
November 3, 2007, 7:21 am CDT

Too many missed points with this show

Running nearly 2 years behind  in Oz...frustrating.

I think Dr Phil really missed (perhaps on purpose) a number of points with this couple, in particular Grant.  It seemed obvious that he had a lot of underlying issues behind his impossible to achieve standards.    I was thinking anger as his behaviour is definately passive aggressive.

I notice some board members mention Aspergers, and yes, that's not outside of the realms of possibility given his inability to see that his constant criticism was hurting his wife.  He definately lacked self-awareness and empathy for her.  But would an Aspie be so high functioning to achieve becoming an Electrical Engineer?  Perhaps

But I did notice that when he did the role swap he did a really bad job of cooking and looking after the kids and was 'fed up' with it after only a small number of hours.  His body language was definately anger coming out in passive agression and the expressions on his face I've seen before - in my partner who's diagnosed narcissstic personality disorder and my partner is definately passive aggressive.

I notice there's a follow up with this couple, I'll go and see what progress they've made as I could see that Grant definately didn't get it. 

When all else fails to explain his behaviour and attitude, there is one label it can be given, and that is abuse, or at the very least the result of the emotional battering to his wife was abusive.
 
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