Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

I hate to harp on this, but I just read the follow-up "when doing her best etc.etc."and if this isn't an Asperger's marriage, I'll eat my hat.  (the follow up show hasn't aired in my country yet).  Several things stand out - Grant you seem to think it's all about the mechanics of Kelly's housekeeping that needs fixing (everything for Aspies is about function) and lack insight  into what is actually required of you to make things better for Kelly.  She says she doesn't feel emotionally validated.  Support groups for partners of Aspies are set up for this very purpose - validation of feelings that you would otherwise expect and take for granted in a marriage, and if you don't have this support, you lose your self-confidence and can become depressed.  That white-knuckle feeling you get - that is very typical and is referred to as "meltdown" - you are trying very hard and going through the motions but you really don't know what the real problem is.  What I said in the other posting about change - you can't change your style of thinking but you can learn to change your behaviour by using your considerable intellect, to learn effective strategies.  Famous Aspies such as Temple Grandin have written about this.  You might like to look at her websites.  The thing that can't change is the lack of natural ability to intuitively know how another feels and how to respond appropriately.  Normal marriage counselling does not work when one partner has Aspergers as the usual techniques require both partners to have natural instinctive insight (part of theory of mind).  Kelly will have had many experiences of arguments that go round in circles, then you think he's 'got it' then afterward it's as though the conversation never took place and nothing has really changed.   At the mildest highest functioning end of the autistic spectrum , there is a blurred distinction and overlap with people who are on the extreme end of the personality spectrum, (sometimes called "extreme male brain") and these people are extremely good at systemizing but poor at empathizing (women are generally better empathizers).  There are many excellent websites by and for people on the autistic spectrum, many of whom are very successful and high achieving people and excellent writers and presenters.  If you read some of their personal experiences you may identify with their unique way of viewing the world, which  is sometimes like a different culture.  I will give details of some very good websites for those who are interested.  If you think you may have enough characteristics to warrant seeking futher advice, Kelly will need to do some reading also.  I would be interested to know what your childhood experiences and friendships were like. 

I would like to hear a comparison of both you and Kelly describing a past holiday.  I'll bet, you can tell me exactly where you were at any time on any day and exactly WHAT you did, your recollection will read like a transport timetable.  Kelly's, however, will be vague as to dates and place names, and she will describe her subjective experiences of what it was LIKE, her favourite sights, meals, memories etc. and she will be chided for getting place names wrong, etc.   Believe me, I've been there. 

Hmmm - from a 'personality type' to a syndrome : scary!    Wikipedia article reports Asperger's people saying a "cure" is neither possible or desirable.    You say 'they cannot really change'.   Maybe some things *are* just too deep to fundamentally change but surely intellectual recognition of how one's behavior negatively impacts others with even just a tad of emotional empathy would have some people adjusting their behavior to some extent? 

I can't tell whether I'd ever have had a definate or possible Asperger's diagnosis.    Myers-Briggs doesn't indicate so but some of the characteristics fit.   However I definately do think I've changed in those aspects substantially over the years (no therapy by the way) and don't like to think me, Grant or anyone else just *cannot* change!?!?