Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

I have to totally agree with you! Me and my sister go around and around about "the bible says"....all the time. I don't believe it and she as a born again does......I tell her to not take it so literally and she says but GOD said it, so it is true.....I say, It is like I told my friend- John took a vacation for a week and then my friend told her sister and she told her friend and when it finally got back to me it was Joan was dead.....It is all here say passed down throughout the ages. I have my opnion and so does my sister and we have agreed to disagree. I am more into science and Evolution also. She takes the bible way too literally. She used to try to change me all the time until I told her it is ok for me to have a different opnion than you, it does not mean you are right or I am right it is an opnion! I applaud you for stating yours... Respect and Equality rules!

I believe that if you give and give from the start they will always expect it, even after you get tired of it. If you have always done things his way then decide not to, how is he supposed to react to that? But I also believe that if your husband couldn't do the housework and caring for the kids any better, he shouldn't criticize you for it. The husband put just as much work in having the kids, he should take some responibilities helping after they are born. If the husband can't pick up after himself at least, he is just another child to care for. And should be treated like one.

Every child draws lessons from watching his parents.  What I learned from watching mine was that marriage was a painful thing.  Something to be avoided.  In part, this was due to watching the mother TRY to be a Stepford Wife -- which the husband didn't actually want .  She tried to hold a job also, partly for her sanity and partly for the added economic benefit.  Frankly, she set too high a standard for herself, and secretly resented it.  We kids picked up on all that resentment, and without getting into what-went-wrong, suffice it to say that relations within the family were horrendous -- for 30 years.  What we saw was a laid-back father, and a harpy wife;  they reacted to each other, and we reacted to them.  They didn't intended to be fractious, of course.  But you don't get a training manual on how to be a good lover, spouse, parent.  You learn by trial-and-error, with "error" being always the winner.  Bible is closest thing there is to a training manual, but it takes decades to even learn properly. 

  

So what to do?  Well, here's the basic idea:  Grace attitudes BETWEEN the couple then save the marriage, kinda like the Cross works.  WE CAN'T GET IT RIGHT with God, so needed a Savior.  So how much more, we can't get it right with each other?  So we need to cut each other lots of slack, spouse-to-spouse, and then the kids will learn Grace so will cut their parents slack as well.  We all are groping at any age.  Might as well start learning that lesson, early. 

  

So yeah, I still believe in the Stepford standard (without the mindlessness of the movie, no one wants that), just as I believe I should never sin, too.  Isn't demeaning, to try to achieve either that standard, or avoiding sin (especially the self-righteous variety, which is graceless in the extreme).  

  

But there is a higher standard:  Grace.  If you don't try for THAT standard, then anger and frustration will instead be the legacy you pass on to your kids.  For the kids need their parents to be happy FAR MORE than they need goodies or all the other superficial interrelationship activities of which we humans are so fond.  So if I had to give up being a Stepford for the sake of a more relaxed relationship, I would.  If I had to pursue it for the sake of a more relaxed relationship, I would.  Again, depends on the agreed-upon terms in the marital relationship, which hopefully are full of Grace and Truth between the parties.  

  

It took me 30 years to learn this lesson;  hope someone else learns it earlier in life.  Saves a BUNCH of wear and tear... 

I was surprised to read in the middle of your message that you have four children 6 and under.  You are wise beyond your years.  Grant, if you see this post,  this lady is offering you amazing insight that mirrors Dr. Phil's advice.  My post would have been much longer had she not done such a good job.   

  

Two of my three children are engineers, so I have some idea of the importance your personality type tends to place on order, predictability, problem solving etc.  In my opinion that is a personality trait that can be pretty dominant, but is definitely manageable.  There is no reason why compromises couldn't be negotiated to help you relax some of these tendencies yet not feel like your family is living in a "state of chaos". 

  

But please know that even though I understand what kind of help you were asking for, what so many people are trying to get across is that while organizing your surroundings may be a valuable team goal for you and your wife ---it should be a secondary project, it would be a shame if you missed the really important issue.   

  

Honestly, I don't think that you are a bad person, but the deep down sadness that was so obvious in your wife's pretty eyes just about broke my heart.  Consider watching a tape of the show and then do some serious problem-solving to figure out the best way to make that sadness go away. 

  

Good luck to you both.  I mean that. 

Wow.....Kelly ..... I feel like I was looking at myself in you.  And.....please listen to Dr. Phil.....DON"T let him break your spirit.  Whatever you have left...BUILD ON THAT.  My husband put SO much pressure on me.  His time line of what should happen in the marriage was annoying.   My husband wanted me to work full time, lose 30 pounds (I"M NOT FAT), keep a clean house, deal with is family, make a good bonus, have a baby and then go back to work full time.  All my husband EVER wanted was someone NOT to change him and meanwhile the more time that passes....the more he can be himself and Kelly....his criticism BORES ME.  It doesn't hurt me like it used to or put pressure on me like it used to ..... it just utterly BORES ME!  AND...what is even worse.....is everyone knows how critical he is and thinks I deserve better........and I agree.   I use one too many strainers to make dinner and I have to hear about "what my problem is".  Come to think of it....he starts many conversations the same way....."do you know what your problem is?".  KELLY..........for me......I'm working toward the happiness.  PLEASE YOU DO THE SAME.  Little by little get that back.  I WISH we could meet and talk because we are SO alike and are in the similar situations.  I pray for both of us.  I know this may not  help but do something everyday that makes you happy.  The only sad thing that you may find out that HE is not the love of your life.  HANG IN THERE!

     Is that guy for real?! Wash his truck in Daisy Dukes? Greet him at the door in a French maid outfit? All the while criticizing his wife on every aspect of her life? He must REALLY be from Mars! What does Grant really want: a loving, devoted wife, or a walking centerfold? I guess he forgot that a marriage is supposed to be a partnership, not a dictatorship.

I watched the show and was set back by how this woman's husband approached her in the possibility of making changes to make him a "happier" husband.  Personally, I have been the perfect wife - sexually please my spouse, homemaker - all meals were made from scatch, dinner at 6pm every evening and a home kept spotless, raise the kids (his (2) & my (2)), go to work mom, while putting myself last all in the name of love.  I weighed 125 lbs.   I never asked him to change a light bulb or cut the grass, I would just let it go til one of the kids needed extra money and pay them for the work.  I was having auto problems, I would save up the money needed to get my car fixed.  I sent my daughter and son to a boarding school nearby at no cost to myself nor my husband because he and his children were always in conflict with them 

  

Admist of running the kids to band practice, sporting events, out to visit friends and medical appointments, my husband decided he need more than I was giving.   

  

He had an accident putting him down for near four months, I rose to the moment and took up a second job to make our lifestyle continue, working an additional 35 hours a week.  By this time in our lives our children who I taught to make meals and clean after themselves missed not having a taxi.  When he returned to work ofter being home those few months, he approached me with the reasoning that I was a bad mother & wife and didn't deserve his supporting me.  I was truely hurt.  I tried to find out what brought on such a drastic change other than the fact we were having problems with his son not wanting to attend college and lay around the house all day chatting online and recieving money from woman online.  This was followed by his daughter trying to manipulate both he and I.   

  

I asked for marriage counseling and he made every excuse not to go.  It was then I found out he was also keeping a chat online with three different adult sites.  I confronted him about the sites and he lied and said they weren't his, I had created them in his name.  At this point he had been back at work 3 1/2 months (March).  I swollowed hard and agreed, we didn't need to be together, we had different views of rising children and what marriage were about.  He began telling me he was moving out of our house and I needed to move so that he could sell the house.  In April, I retained a lawyer and requested his financial information and he put me off.  I feared for my financial future, everything I had was with him.   I kept trying to talk him out of moving out.  By July he started moving things out while I was at work - yes, i am still working the two jobs, only change is that I work 5 to 25 hours a week.  In August, he and his daughter completed the move before I come home from work.  I continued my life working both jobs.  When I spoke to my husband about completing the divorce, he told me he had given me everything and I needed to move out of his house so he could sell it.  Non the less, he moved back in around November while I was at work.  Told me I was the one wanting the divorce, not him, moved his daughter back to her mothers and everything was suppose to go back to like it was before.   You know, I'm the women, the crazy one, the one with hormonal issues,right? 

  

Before I was a model wife and mother, I now weight approximately 160 lbs which is a size 8 verses the 6, I wore for many years.  I probably should be bigger after everything.  Well, I no longer have a nice warm dinner waiting, sandwiches work real well.  As for laundry, he showed me he was more then capable of taking care of his laundry while he was living on his own and I thought he shouldn't stop his new found ability.  He helps with washing dishes, cleaning floors, and bathrooms.  There are ethnic meals he'd like me to make for him, but I have told him they are a thing of the past.  Our children are all grown and gone.  Our finances are still kept seperate but I know now, I did what I thought was right.  I wonder when he will get another wild hair.   

  

So, I guess, not every man deserves a doting wife...... 

Grant fit the profile of the man I'm separated from to the T. I would get a list in the morning of what my chores were for the day. He wanted me up in the morning to pick his clothes out for work and supper on the table as soon as he walked in the door after work. All of his shirts and pants had to be ironed right out of the dryer whether they needed it or not. Oh hearing how Grant treated Kelly made me so angry! I got to a point where I would sit on the couch all day or sleep all day and do absolutely nothing and just have to suffer the punishment. 

  

Don't take some of the strong reactions to your presentation too personally.  After reading some of your post, I think that you are probably a very nice, caring person.  You have a right to your opinion and you may have just had the unenviable role of providing a seemingly  "extreme" opposite opinion as a backdrop or gauge for Grant and Kelly's story.  There are lots of women out there with important stories to tell, and your role in the discussion provides them with a springboard.