Dr. Phil,
My husband and I just watched your 'Wifestyles' episode and were amazed at the guys archiac and antiquated illusions of marriage. If he truly wants to make the marriage work he should seek professional help. I have been happily married for ten years, we were together for four prior to marrying, but the one thing that I have always said and still believe today is that I married my husband for who he was and who he wanted to become. I am not interested in changing who he is and I knew what his shortcomings were before I agreed to marry him; therefore, when I said 'I do' I was agreeing to accept and love him for who he was.
It is amazing that the divorce rate is so high. There is obviously a misconception about what marriage is and a lack of willingness to compromise and work together. Marriage is a partnership, a lifelong commitment that requires give and take from both sides. For one party to decide that they want the other to fully bend to their will or illusions of perfectness is not only unfair to the other person, but unrealistic as to how life really works.
As an active duty member I work long hours and spend a great deal of time away from the house. My husband supports my career and encourages me when I feel that I have taken too much away from the family. One member of the family has to be the 'breadwinner', the decision about who has to be one that is reached from a mutual standpoint and one that keeps everyone happy. However, there is no way that I would ever allow anyone, my husband or someone else, tell me how to run my house, how to dress, or how to cook. If they do not like the way that I am doing something with my life then they are welcome to show themselves out the door.
Anyone that is willing to standby and allow someone to push them around or make them feel bad needs to rethink the relationship that they are in. Respect works both ways and unless you respect yourself you cannot expect to be respected by those around you. It is important that everyone, men and women understand that and work to feel good about themselves first and foremost.
The first lady that appeared on your show, whose husband expected her to become a stepford wife has a legitimate fear for her children. As long as she allows her husband to treat her that way and continues to feel unworthy, inadequate, and unhappy her children will learn those behaviors which will eventually lead to them exhibiting the same attitudes and behaviors. I wish her all the best in finding herself and learning to stand up for who she is and what she wants for her children. Her inner strength will prevail and she has the ability to make the life for herself that she desires, she just has to find the courage to say enough and then make the changes necessary to get where she wants. I am not saying that her marriage has to end in divorce - I am saying that she has to stand her ground and have the courage to make her feelings, desires, and wants heard, and then act on them in the way that she believes is best for herself and her children.
Your show touched a nerve for me and I am amazed that people still believe in the "bare foot and pregnant" mentality. I guess we have not come as far with our rational and equality as we would like to believe.
Thank you,
rogue1
(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.
