Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Ma’am, 

I am also a wife and an active duty military member.  My husband has been active duty in the German Air Force for 6 years, until just recently.  I have to say it seems a little more difficult for those of us who are married military.  I am by no means saying any other marriage is easy… heck who would I know!  But anyone with a demanding schedule can say that it is difficult to keep a marriage a happy one.  My husband and I are both on call 24 hours a day; we were both in college part-time taking anywhere between 2 and 4 courses a quarter until just recently when I graduated.  It does take a team to make a relationship with this many obligations to work, as I am sure most of you know.  We have to spilt housework and other obligations.  It is not always possible that I get home in time to make dinner.  We like to have dinner together at the table, just the two of us each night between 6 and 6:30.  If he gets home at 5 and I am not here yet and he wants to eat at 6 he has to step up and make something.  Generally that something comes from a box!  But he doesn’t even hesitate to get out the box and start reading the directions.  If all else fails he goes to a local take-out.  Either way he takes care of it for me.   

I honestly believe that a good marriage is only about 15% true love.  The rest is comprised of communication, empathy, understanding, and a true sense of respect and caring.  Each day I want to do everything I can to make my husband the happiest man in the world.  Why, because I am submissive and forget about what I want?  Absolutely not.  It makes me happy to see him happy and I know that each day he does everything that he can to make life better for me.  We both sacrifice so much to get our college degrees finished so that we can make a life that is good for our future children and us.   

We are still in our early days of marriage and learn something new each day to make our marriage successful.  In the end, I believe what will make our marriage last is open communication and mutual respect.  I love to make the house extra clean and make his favorite dinner when I have a few days off work.  Because I love to see him come home and smile and say thank you.  I like to get a little bit of my personal obligations done during the week when he is out so that we can have a few extra moments together on the weekend without worrying about house cleaning and shopping.  He does the same thing when he is at home for a few days.  It is the best feeling to come home after a long day at work and see that my husband put in a little effort that day and did something so small as mop all the floors.  Not because the cleaning is important, but because he thought about something that would take little effort on his part and would make the day easier for me.  Because he respects me enough to see what I do everyday.  I don’t expect him to spend his entire day off cooking and cleaning and taking care of lawn because I know he works hard every day too.  So his effort goes a long way.  All relationships are give and take.  I look at some couples and think that man would never treat his best guy friend like that.  So why would he treat his wife, his princess, like that.  And ladies we are the same.  We don’t nag our girlfriends!  Why treat our own prince that way.  

I have it all! Some may not agree but I beleive it is in the eye of the beholder... FIRST I have the greatest husband in the world...he accepts me for exactly who I am even on the days when I don't get a shower and am sporting my Eeyore pajama pants (which he is always quick to tease me about how sexy they are)...he knows I can't walk around the house cleaning and cooking and taking care of three kids in a Teddy...how unreal is that...he walks around in sweats or old ripped up shorts and he is still sexy to me...I know he feels the same way about me...my cooking isn't always superb but he eats every day (three meals) and never complains...I keep the house neat and orderly...he is a great help in this respect...he quite often does the laundry (wash,dry and fold) and vaccums...he is great with the kids and tends to them from the moment he gets home (he spends a hectic day as a mortage banker and still has time for the kids so don't ever let a man use the excuse that he is just too tired!)...SECOND I have three wonderful children...Steven 8, Kirstin 3, and Justin 9 months...what mom could ask for more!...THIRD I have a full time job...YES! YOU CAN DO IT ALL!...that woman who says you cannot SHOULD NOT propose to speak on behalf of everyone...I CAN and LOVE to do it all... 

oh and did I mention that dinner is on the table everynight when my husband gets home and NO he doesn't expect it...it is just a nice thing I like to do for him...as a matter of fact my husband doesn't expect anything from me except that I am me and we will work the rest out from there... 

I'm not going to sit here and argue with everyone because everyone has different ideas about roles within a family.  What is best for one, is not necessarily best for another so I think it is a moot point to be going back and forth.  As for poster Bill....has anyone ever heard of a grief poster?  That is someone who doesn't really feel the way they posted, but writes an explosive post just to get people going.  That's how I feel about him.   

Ok, so, how have I seen the show already, you ask?  We are a military family stationed overseas and we get the current day's show at 8:30 in the morning here and we are 6 hours ahead of EST.  If Dr. Phil comes on at 3 pm on the East Coast, we get it over 12 hours before you do.   

What I saw today on the show affected me deeply.  I don't cry very often when watching, but I did today.  This woman was so beaten down, her eyes were empty.  She is married to a man with a critical spirit who doesn't think anything she does is good enough.  He expects her to clean the house while dressed in a french maid outfit or wash his car in a bikini.  I won't go into all the details of the show since you haven't seen it yet, but I was so saddened by how this man treated the woman he pledged to love his whole life.  Her spirit is broken and whether or not you believe that a woman should be at home or be in the work force, I don't think anyone can excuse the emotional abuse of this man.  I truly don't think any of it sunk in, either. 

Dr. Phil also has a woman on there who believes that all women were put on this earth to serve men.  (There you go Bill, find her sister for yourself!)  I think that is all fine and dandy if she feels that way but I think it is wrong of her to try to force her philosophy on everyone else.  The biggest problem I had with her was that she seemed to address the red haired woman in such a way that I felt she was also berating her for not being "good enough".   

I truly feel that Dr. Phil should have had a husband on there who isn't like the guy on the show.  Hearing it from a man that loves, cherishes and respects his wife and what she does could have put a whole different perspective on the entire show.   

I can say all this because I am a truly blessed woman.  I am a stay at home mom and have been for many years.  No, the house isn't spotless and I've put on a few pounds since our wedding day, but I have a husband who knows what true love is.  This man, no matter how I feel, or look,  will put his arms around me and say, "You are beautiful today.  You are an awesome mom.  You are an awesome wife and no one could ever take care of me better than you."   You want to talk about feeling validated and appreciated?  No, he's not the best at helping with the housework, but he doesn't moan and complain if it isn't done all the time either.   

I really want to see a follow up to this show and see if this couple can come out of this.  My heart broke for her when I looked into her eyes.  She is a broken person. 

Who is he to decide what qualifies someone as a 'good' wife? He's got issues with inferiority so he makes her feel inadequate to compensate. She can do better. He's a dork. 

I understand what you are saying. I have been married for 10 years and have 3 children all 3 years apart. My youngest is now 6 and will start school full time next year. 

I went through the same struggle you are talking about. After about 6 years I finally realized that my husband didn't see the messes because he didn't care. Expecially when they were babies. He didn't mind having to step over the little ones toys (I was the one worried about that). He didn't care if the dishes were on the counter or in the sink (again me worrying). He didn't care if he had to get his laundry out of a basket every now and then ot even stare at a pile of laundry I was choosing to ignore until tomorrow. 

After learning more about his family and how he was raised, I used that information to think about his concerns (or lack of) for the household. I realized that he didn't value a spotless house the same way I did. What he valued more was having time with me to laugh at a tv show or talk about something I heard on the radio, or even to sit quietly with me while I read a book. He valued me, not a spotless house. I fugured if he valued me over the house so should I. 

Merely a suggestion, ask him what his standards for the house are. You may be setting your standards higher than they need to be and driving yourself nuts. I know I did.