Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Well, the roll of my father was to raise two girls in 1975 alone after our mother was killed in the car accident we were all involved in. 

His roll was to stop giving us a night night hug when we were 7 because people might think he was molesting us.  

This led us to grow up unaffectionate, giving or recieving. 

He taught us how to pitch a tent, to change a tire, how not to cry, how not to talk about anything that may upset someone, how not to ask for help, how to push people away.  

The one thing we needed him to teach us that NO dad is able to teach his daughters is how to be a well balanced wife and mother. 

As the tears well up in my eyes I am admitting for the first time that I am angry that my mother was taken from us, and no one stepped up to teach us any little things to take with us through life. 

DAMN YOU ! 

I have worked in my profession for 19 years without taking any long breaks. It is natural for me to use my intellect and training as a lawyer to solve problems and smooth transactions for people.  I have never cared more about my career than my family.  My husband has never cared more about his career than his family.  We have both structured our workr to suit our family. 

I am a full partner and we make our decisions together.  We don't have a hierachy in our home. I'm not the "boss" nor is he. neither my husband or I have ever thought that he was supposed to be the head of the household.  We each use our gifts to the advantage of our family in the best way we can.  I really don't mind "worrying" about our major life decisions because I am an adult and it is my life too. 

Yet, in spite of all of this we have been very happily married for almost 22 years.  Our children are thriving and the school constantly praises their intelligence and their positve leadership role with their peers.   

Is it possible for you to could consider that the way you have succeeded (although right for you) is not the "way it is supposed to be" or "the natural way", but just one of the very many ways that families can succeed? 

Did you mean Kelly's spirit?  lol. 

I am Diana, and Grant didn't break anything of mine!!  :) 

Actually, Grant is a good guy,  just didn't express hinself fully. 

Because it's not about US.  It's about our kids. 

BTW, I don't run to the bathroom and freshen up everyday...and I don't push that on people.  The response I gave in the interview, (they only showed part of it - I guess for time constraints) was that hey, if that's what my husband wanted, then fine.  I want the mortgage paid, he wants to see me in makeup, then it's a fair trade.  He actually doesn't care, but he does like a good dinner! 

And he says thank you and he washed his own dish!  Last night, while I was on here, he played with the baby and put her to bed (which he actually does alot). 

My husband works 8-11 hours a day out of the home.  He has a lunch break, sometimes there are slow times and sometimes there are busy times.  I work at home, sometimes I am just being present while out kids play, but I'm still on duty . They can't be left alone. Sometimes it's mad rush to get things done and some days I skip lunch and work through my "break".  When my husband gets home we both end first shift and start work on the second shift together. Maybe one of us will do dishes and one will take the kids on a walk. Or maybe I have a headache and I want a nap so he'll feed them while I rest.  Or maybe he had a really stressful day and he will just surf the net for a while and unwind. We're friends and partners, we don't keep score.  We don't bother discussing who needs to change what or who works more because frankly if we had time to that, there are too many other fun ways to spend the time. 

And WHAT may I ask is wrong with expecting great sex from your partner?  I do!!!  I thought that was one of the many perks to getting married?   

In response to all of the messages on this message board, and the episode on 10/10 Wifestyles... 

I need to state my point of view on this subject.  In order for there to be a particular "wifestyle", there needs to be that first initial decision to stay at home.  The old "How did this happen" idea.  I feel that this subject is just too broad and stereotyped in itself to be just one show. 

What perplexes me the most, is the overly used term... "housewife".  While watching this particular show, my mouth just hung open for it's entirety.  I know that Dr. Phil has a very clear and objective mind.  I just couldn't understand the bias that was envoked throughout.  There was a small part of the show that somewhat gave another point of view, of the single female that believes that becoming a wife was a lifestyle that is not meant for her.  I felt that it was good that Dr. Phil added this to the show... but, he refrained from talking about other points of view... as in one similar to my own.  At another point in the show, a female had talked about "when you make that decision to stay home..."  I almost sighed a relief, but no sooner was that part dropped. 

As a background for you to understand my viewpoint, I would like to explain to you my own particular situation.  I am a "Stay at Home" mother of three (soon to be 4) during the day, and an Afterschool Teacher at the school for grades 1-3 for three days a week/2 hours a day.  I have a Bachelor's degree in Elementary Education/Middle School Teaching with a minor in Social Studies emphasizing Sociology.  My husband is a High School Social Studies teacher and the Varsity Boy's Basketball Coach.   

When I married my husband (of 6+ years), I was still completing my college degree while he was already in a teaching position at his current employer.  We decided that we had wanted to start our own family after I finished college.  I became pregnant a month or so after we married, which was still a few years from graduating college.  I continued with college, and we had another child during the time it took to complete.  My husband and I had always talked about allowing him to stay at home with the kids while I took a teaching position.  Of course, I haven't been able to allow him to do this quite yet.  I enjoy being a part of our children's lives each day, and I don't mind the at home duties that go along with being the one who stays home.  I know one of these days I will have to surrender it to him.  (luckily, there aren't any readily available jobs in our area  :>)) 

This is where my own "Wifestyle" comes into play.  The mornings are rushed in our house, and with our eldest son, Camden, in kindergarten, I get up and make them lunches.  I do this because it is cheaper than hot lunch.  I then get Camden ready for school.  After my husband leaves for the day, I get the other kids ready, and pick up the house.  I get laundry done, and do anything else that might need to be done.  So by the time my husband gets home from school, I'm able to sit down and visit with him for a while.  We'll talk about our day, and play with the kids.  By then we both know if we had a hard day, and sometimes we'll just relax and read the paper.  My husband is an awful cook, although he makes a nice grilled cheese sandwich or PB&J sandwich when I don't feel like making anything.  I will sometimes do special things for him to surprise him, and he sometimes surprises me with foot rubs, etc.  I enjoy doing nice things for him and the children. 

I've just been lucky enough to have a husband that has the same belief system.  We have always agreed, and seen through our own students, the importance of a stay at home parent.  The stable foundation that these children get for at least their first five years of life cannot be compared to or regained later in life.   

I feel that it is a parent's duty to ensure that their children are equipped with morals, well-rounded personalities, and good attributes in order to survive in today's "society".  All of these are subject to the parent's own personal views and belief systems.  By choosing caregivers that share the same belief system, or by staying at home with your children, they will grow up with a more solid foundation.  I've just been fortunate to be able to stay at home, even though we do live paycheck to paycheck. 

Besides, there are other types of "Wifestyles", as in the working mom who does wonderful things for their husbands, or the feminist mom that has a husband that does most everything for her.... etc.  There are so many different ways you could flip this subject. 

In conclusion, the whole idea of a "Wifestyle" is not whole with just one episode.  I hope to see more of these shows with their counterparts.  I do understand that it is hard to include every view in the hour it takes to watch... I just hope that there could be a more open discussion.   

Just my point of view: 

What amazed me as much as anything is that the woman who *didn't* want to get married had the most realistic view of what marriage should be like.  Marriage is a state of inter-dependence.  Does this mean that you completely surrender your 'self'?  No, but that 'self' has to take into account the needs of the other. 

I found the woman giving out "stay at home advice" disturbing.  The plain truth is that each marriage is unique.  The level of interdependence necessary and the manner in which that is displayed needs to be worked out by the individuals involved.   

When I come home from work, I know there will be a hot meal that night - I know that because I cook it. 

My wife looks forward to my coming home, because my arrival means that she's off diaper duty. 

We each pull extra weight so that the other can have a couple hours each day to themselves.  It's not the easiest way to live; but it works for us, and I doubt that anyone can offer suggestions that would make our situation *that* much better. 

I was like the lady who didn't want to marry until I met my husband, who is truly special, and married at the age of 28.  When we had children I stayed home until they started school/preschool.  I'm glad I could (for my own sake more than for the children's!  I loved the time with them.), but I know many mothers cannot do this.  When they went to school, I was fortunate to be able to go back to my career.  My husband has always "helped."  I now have two daughters-in-law.  One works outside the home.  The other stays at home, although she is taking some college classes online.  Both are fine mothers, and I'm so fortunate my sons had the good judgment to marry them.  I think it must be harder for the single mother who must work.  My son's job is closer to home, so he starts dinner before his working wife gets home.  I'm proud of the many ways he makes himself a partner.  A single mom has to do this herself.  It requires more effort, but I've seen it done successfully. 

My other son doesn't help as much, mainly because his wife is such a perfectionist that she gets things done before he gets home.  I tell her to begin to train him to help, because if she goes to work when the kids are in school she will want him to pitch in. 

In short, don't get married just to be married.  As a single mom, consider your children before you consider marriage.  If you marry, do what's best for you and your marriage and children.  God knows my heart (I'm a pastor's wife, in fact.) and He knows what I need and what I can do.  I know a number of single mothers who have managed to provide a happy home for their children and to be happy themselves.  Most of them do try to provide a masculine influence, maybe a grandfather or a good man who is willing to be involved, to show the children what to expect from a good man who cares for them.  There is no Biblical law about working or not working (See Proverbs 31).