Hello, all. I'm a young (only 21) married mother of two (ages 2 years and 4 months). This show hit me hard, both during it's original airing and again today. My husband and I have been married 3 short years and half of that time, I have been pregnant. When we first got together, I felt as though he thought I was perfect, just how I was. I couldn't cook to save my life, and knew very little about cleaning. My parents had spoiled me, quite a bit, but I thought that he would gently and kindly teach me how to care for us and our children, when we had them. We agreed early on that I should stay home from work, because that way I could concentrate on going to school and taking care of our home. I had no idea what I was getting myself into.
The day I graduated, I moved into his apartment from my parents's home. Two weeks later, I quit my job. The following October we were married, and November of the next year brought our first child to us. But between all that, I somehow found myself trapped by a controlling man who had such high expectations of me, that I immediately felt inadequate to handle anything. I went from being "perfect" in his eyes, to not being nearly good enough, but at my own fault somehow. Gone was the man who had promised to teach me how to quickly and effectively clean our home and cook good meals. By the time our daughter was born, one year and one month after we were wed, he had broken my spirit. I became a robot, with only one goal. To do everything he wanted me to do, with no worry about bettering myself for myself. Only for him did I work harder.
When our daughter was one, I found out that I was pregnant again. Our lives had sunk into a marriage that didn't even feel like a marriage. He worked, I cleaned and cooked and cared for our daughter, but never was it good enough. Never was the house clean enough or the meals hot enough, and even our daughter wasn't good enough, with him demanding that I teach her how to speak more clearly and to speak in sentences before she was 18 months old. It didn't matter to him that she has always been right on track, when it comes to all her development. He didn't want a normal child, he wanted an exceptional one. A genius. What he didn't see was that her comprehension was through the roof, she was running and jumping before most kids walk, and she had (and still has) a smile that could light a blackened room.
What I don't understand is why I let myself be stripped of my identity. I was frightened by Diane's words that she is "the wife her husband wants her to be." What happened to being the woman you want to be? Aren't we told, from the day we are born, to be ourselves, and not let others dictate who or what we are? I'm glad her family and household runs so smoothly, but at what cost? How do you maintain your own identity, when everything you do centers around the wishes and desires of another person?
You can't. I lost my own identity that way and I will never have it back. Now, I don't want to be in my marriage anymore, because for three years, I've been told that nothing I do is good enough. And the more I'm told I'm not good enough, the less I do to prove I am. What's the point? Why bother working my butt off, only to be told "You forgot to do this, you know." The only problem now is how to proceed without losing everything. I've got no job, I'm still working on an education, and I have no job experience to fall back on because the place that I was working when I left my parents's house has since closed.
You have to do what you have to do, but for the love of God, do it for youself. Don't let a man train you into being what he wants, especially when it contradicts what you are or what you want. I'll now have to raise my two children as a single mother, which means I'll have to work away from them, all because I tried to let a man put me into a mold that I didn't fit.
If anyone has any help for me, advice on what steps to take now, please please please email me. Should I wait until after we do our taxes for the year? Leave as soon as possible? What should I take? I already know where I'm going- my parents own a house that until recently they rented out to people, but is now empty. Other then that, I'm flying by the seat of my pants on this one and could use some direction.
mindless_leader@hotmail.com
Maria
(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.
