Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Dear I can relate, please help! I'm a mother of 2 adult daughters. One of my daughters (the youngest one), is married with one daughter of her own. My oldest daughter has three children, and that's the one that I have the distant relationship with. We live only fifteen minutes away, but we see each other maybe once a week. I was reading your message today, and I was compelled to write you and say, stay focused, keep striving to reach your goals! Don't let anyone stand in your way or discourage you, no matter who they are! Sometimes as parents, we forget that we have made our mistakes, and now is the time to support our children instead of trying to keep them from making (different) mistakes. If your parents or sibblings don't support you, then there will be other people placed in your life that will! I, for one will support you as much as you let me. I can say that because I've been there, done that, and I've been the parent who didn't want my daughters to make mistakes, and to do as I said to do! But...it's not about me and the mistakes that I made, it is about them, and supporting their decisions that they make in their adult lives. I don't agree with them all of the time, but I do support them all of the time! There's a difference! I'm sure that by now you have graduated, but if you need to hear some encouraging words, please e-mail me @ praisegod3x@yahoo.com 

Signed: Mom, that loves to support her daughters and anyone else's 

Yes, One cupboard. If you watched the show you would have seen that he does help in the kitchen. Did you see the cupboards? By the way the issue is not  "One cupboard."  The issue is compromise. One might need to compromise more but they both need to!

I am solely directing my comments to women who choose to work over raising their children. 

 

I guess I'm not sure why you need to comment on anyone at all, but that's just me.  I don't think working is exclusive of raising children, but, again, that's me. I know you feel it's exclusive.   If someone has their toddlers in preschool, are their children being raised by the preschool teachers?  Are school-aged children being raised by their teachers?  Perhaps I'm unclear as to what the "cut off" time is when all of a sudden children stop being "raised by" parents and are now being "raised by" other adults.  My kids will tell you that I raised them.  Perhaps your definition is different, and that's fine.  I'm thrilled with my life and the way my kids have turned out.  My bet is if anyone spent a day with my kids, you wouldn't be able to tell if they were raised by a SAHM or a working mom unless you asked them directly.  So, if Dr. Phil asked my family "So, how's it working for you?" we'd all say "Great, thanks!" 

  

I think the best way to have an effect on someone is to "inspire" them, not criticize them.  It's that critical spirit that Dr. Phil was talking about.  I think it's wonderful that you offer so many great ideas and suggestions to women who have decided to stay at home so that they don't feel any less important than anyone else.  For heaven's sake, all they have to do is look at you and see how beautifully it can be done.   

  

I certainly don't regret the decisions I've made.  Regret gets us nowhere.  But as I've said many times before, if it ever stops working for my family, I will have no qualms about changing my working situation. 

LISTEN KELLY, DON'T LOOSE YOURSELF IN TRYING TO PLEASE YOUR HUSBAND! TELL HIM TO REMEMBER HIS VOWS, AND NOT YOURS, BECAUSE IF HE COULD REMEMBER THEM HE WOULD REMEMBER THAT YOU SAID THE SAME THINGS THAT HE DID! SO...THAT MEANS THAT HE HAS JUST AS MUCH RESPONSIBILITY TO MAKE YOUR MARRIAGE SUCCUSSFUL, HAPPY, LOVING, AND PEACEFUL AS YOU DO! 

  

SIGNED, BEEN THERE DONE THAT! 

Duckie, We've been over and over this. Just give me one thing that's more important than raising your children full time. Just one.

 OK... I didn't mean to offend... the show did really make you out to be perfect and never once did I see anything about breakfast for dinner or "where did the day go." My perspective that I worry was lost in the shows message is that with youg children, in particular, the primary responsibility of the SAHMommy is teaching, molding and preparing worthy and capable young citizens who can offer positive contributions to school and later to society at large. Sometimes, hot home-mades get lost in that shuffle.

 I think a lot of this all boils down to personal choice.  Every person's cases and circumstances are different.  In my opinion some women make great houswives, and other women  feel more fullfilled outside the home.  That's just  an individual's personality.  In my opinion the loving support of a partner and the willingness of both partners to appreciate and respect what each person brings to the relathionship and the family.

In Diana's case she feels that she is doing one the most important jobs in the world.  She's raising her  children , managing a household, and showing her husband her appreciation for him through the domestic arts.   She indicated she feels loved and respected by him and her children, so if her mind set makes her happy then there isn't anything wrong there. Some women thouroughly enjoy being "stay at home" wives and mothers.

In Kelly's case she is a wife who is miserable because her husband is overly critical.  Her problem is she is not APPRECIATED for what she does do.  It does not  look like he has a whole lot of respect for her as a person.  Not every woman is good at cooking, or likes to dress sexy, or is 100% all the time (for various reasons) but that doesn't mean she should be any less valued at least she TRIES to make her husband happy.  I think her husband just needs to learn to EXCEPT her best efforts and that she should put them forth once he starts showing some respect and gratitude.

As for the last woman, well, not EVERY woman SHOULD be a wife, or every man a husband for that mattter.  Some people for various reasons are better people without a relathionship.  Now I don't agree that being in a marriage squashes a person's identity at all, at least not by virtue of  being a marriage.  People lose their identities in marriage only if they let it happen.  Also no one is totally independant either.  We all depend on somone to do something for us, even if it's just depending on the grocery to have food for us to buy.  So the total independence argument is sort of a load of BULL.  I think she is more worried about the loss of identity that some people experience in marriage.

Now, I'm not married, but I've been wanting to get married seriously since I was about 16.  I'm 24 now.  I do not intend to be a "stay at home" wife because  if I marry the guy I'm with now it won't be financially possible. I see no shame in that.  I know when I have kids I would ideally like to be with them at least the first  two years and possibly up until kindergarten if I can't find a preschool that fits my criteria.  That's my IDEAL, I have no idea if that will be a reality or not.  I also have an extremely intellectual mind so I know I would not be content with the children at school all day and the husband at work.  I'd either have to start writing a book, work on web pages, or get a job.  I'd have to do something to occupy my mind, and cleaning and cooking doesn't do that for me.

Again I think it all boils down to making decisions that are right for you, your family, and your circumstances.and being at peace with the knowledge that you are doing the best you can as a wife.

I think the key to being a good wife and mother is being happy within one self. I think we all have our beliefs and ways of doing things and sometimes we may not always understand why some one else is doing the things the way they are doing them but in all reality, I think we all want what is best for our families and I personally have chosen to stay home with my children, it is my desire to do this and with my husband's love and support, it is the right choice for us. My heart is only here at home at this point, especially while my children are still so young, It is in my heart to be home with them and to be the wife who is home when the hubby gets home. I personally do not stress over things, if laundry or dishes doesn't get done by the time the kids are in bed, oh well, they will be there in the morning when I wake. I do not cook a home made meal every night, I freeze all left overs and we go out on accasions, no big deal as long as we are all healthy and happy and our needs are being met. My husband is a great husband and father and sees it as his role to be loving and supportive and when he sees that something needs to be done, he doesn't mind pitching in and I don't even have to ask him. He just does it, why? because he wants to just like I want to be here for him when he gets home and to be the one taking care of his children. My family is high priority in my home and our life style is great for us. I personally would have a hard time leaving my children in a center for 8 hours for others to watch and to experience their major accomplishes, walking, first words, and so forth, that's just me though, Maybe I am a little selfish when it comes to my family, but they are mine so therefore I think it is ok to be the one to stay home and enjoy these things, the time is going to come quick enough to when they will be out doing their own thing and for now, they are home with me, just the way I feel it should be. I am thankful that I have a loving and caring husband who feels the same way that I do, he is kind and very giving and is wonderful for our house hold. we support one another in more ways then one because we are a caring couple who loves and respects one another. As a wife and a sahm, I am very fullfilled as we live good productive lives here.........If one is not happy within their own environment then there must be some changes made but the husband and wife must be there for each other to help meet the needs of one another, it is team work to make marriage and family work......I sure hope that by now Grant has become the loving and supportive husabnd as he needs to for his wife, believe me, when the husband comes home and starts demanding things his way and never has anything positive to say to his wife then it will ruin the relationship, I have friends who have gone through these type of relationships and they all ended up in divorce. Good solid marriages can happen, but it takes two to make it happen, it isn't all about one person but about two.

 Of course that last post HAD to be full of typos and make me look like a moron.  "EXCEPT "should be "ACCEPT" .

I know we've been over and over this, and I'm not here to argue.  And as I said last time, there's not one reason I can give you that you will accept because you won't understand where I'm coming from.  We're different.  Your question is like another woman saying to you "Just give me one thing that's more important than homeschooling your children and making sure that you are in complete control of everything they learn and they're not with a teacher that doesn't know their needs completely"  or "Just give me one more thing that's more important than breastfeeding your kids for 2 years to give them the maximum possible nutritional and bonding advantages" or whatever.  There's probably not one reason you can give that will satisfy them because if those things are the most important things to that other woman, you will come across as not putting your children first if you don't do it their way. 

  

I stayed home for about a year after each of my kids was born.  By then, if I had continued to stay home I would have pretty much given up any chance I ever had to practice medicine.  You can't stay out for several years and expect to keep up with your skills and knowledge.  And I missed it.  I felt that getting an in home nanny with someone who did things in my home my way would provide my kids with a loving environment with someone who would eventually become an extended member of our family and allow me to be able to continue to do what I feel was one of God's callings for me.  (I know, you once said that if I claimed I had a life long dream of helping people, you would puke, but so be it)  I do think that my kids get a happier mother this way.  I do think my daughter is seeing that she can be whatever she wants to be......and not have to give up her dreams of being a mother in the process.  You might not think that's important.  I do.  My kids are proud of me and of what I do.  I know that if something should happen to my husband, there will be no question that I can continue to provide for my family.  I think that's important....it gives me, at least, peace of mind.  Again, that might not be a big deal to someone else.  But after what I saw in my childhood, having that security is important to me. 

  

If my children were doing anything other than flourishing, I would reconsider.  If I couldn't have found a good child care solution, I would reconsider.  But I've been blessed that they are happy, secure and independent, and I've been able to continue to do something that, I feel, is a part of me.  It's not about validation, it's about being able to use my gifts in yet another way.  There is not one mother out there who couldn't do yet one more thing for her kids.  At some point, we have to make a choice as to how much we are going to do for ourselves and, perhaps in the process, teach our children something beneficial in the process.   

  

I don't expect you to understand my position.  But unless you somehow feel that I am endangering my children, I also don't know why you care how I live.  And that's not meant to be a critical remark, I just haven't figured out why you often criticize working mothers.  But that's ok.....you haven't figured why I do what I do, either, I guess.