Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Thank you for the suggestions. Unfortunately, my husband works second shift and we only have one vehicle. It's the worst possible shift for a man with a family, if you ask me, but it's either that or lose his job. I have enrolled my daughter in a Tumble Time at the YMCA once a week, and my mom or dad will be taking us to that. I don't like relying on them too much, because I don't want to take advantage. My mom also babysits twice a week so that I can go to college. 

  

We're working on it. We also go to church every Sunday and she plays in the nursery with other kids for an hour.  

 I'm a lawyer so I know what it takes to enter law school.  You need an undergraduate degree.  

  

I have several friends that did paralegal studies after they had gotten an undergraduate bachelor's degree in something else (one of my friends studied voice) so to be fair, I don't think we know exactly what Diana's education is.  She said she was "on her way" to law school, and I don't know what that means, either, but like you said I don't think all of this is really an issue. 

  

I've let this whole thing go, pretty much.  I know who I am, you know who you are, Diana knows who she is, and someone is going to be looking to have the last word, and this discussion could go on forever.  For a long time on this issue I was trying to be, in Dr. Phil's words, a "right fighter".  But I don't need to be.  What this show did do was make me look closely at my choices, it opened up a dialogue with my husband and family about they feel about how we've gone about things, and it actually made me feel more strongly that I did exactly what was right for me and my family.  If my kids had some kind of "problems" I might wonder if I should have done anything differently.   But one thing I've learned in medicine was that "odds" and "trends" don't really mean much to the individual. (It's like telling someone that there's a 2% chance of something going wrong.  If it doesn't go wrong, in reality it ends up being 0%.  If you are the one that has the complication, it's 100%)   I don't care if there are studies that show that women who work are "more likely" to do anything, since all that matters is how I chose to do them.  And I didn't leave my child to self care, you know?  I did find amazing childcare.  So what does that study have to do with me?   

  

Anyway, I'm rambling.   Good luck to all of you.  I think what we all need to do is constantly keep an eye out for what is working and what isn't.  If something happens where I think I'm better off at home, I'll stay home.  If a SAHM finds out that finances are a problem, or her family just wants to live in a safer neighborhood, or she for any other reason feels the need to work outside the home after having  been at home for a few years, then she may decide that being a SAHM is no longer what she wants to do.  Life is dynamic.  And the only way to deal with the dynamics of life is to be open minded.  And certainly since our kids aren't always like we are, we need to be ready to support them in whatever decision they make.  If my daughter wants to be a SAHM?  Great!  If wants to work? Great!  I'll help her either way.  I just wonder what happens when the daughter (or, God forbid, the daughter-in-law....I've been there) makes a drastically different decision than her SAHM (or mother in law) did?  Is there going to be judgement?  Or will there be acceptance that we all are different?  As my kids get nearer to teenager-dom I certainly wonder how I will deal with their various decisions, you know? 

 Just wondering what you wanted to say... your message is blank...

We're still waiting for a link to the studies Diana mentioned ie working mother by choice vs. working mother by necessity. I'm sincerely interested in reading this for myself.

It has been several months since Kelly and I were in Los Angeles to visit with Dr. Phil. 

The message board at one time had frequent cries for help from the oppressed wives 

of engineers. I think some of the wives have gone off to chat on a special message board 

that caters to the brave souls who are the wives of engineers.  

  

I think engineers get a bad rap. Most of us will admit to having a sense of humor. 

Many people out there share many of the same behaviors as engineers, but don't realize it. 

A friend sent my this list today that I'd like to pass on to the people of the message board. 

  

You might be an engineer if:

Choosing between buying flowers for your wife and upgrading your RAM is a problem.  

You take a cruise so you can go on a personal tour of the engine room and communications facility.  

In college, you learned Spring Break was metal fatigue failure in a corrosive environment.  

The salespeople at the local computer store don't understand any of your questions.  

At an air show, you know how fast the skydivers are falling.  

For your wife's birthday you gave her a new CD-ROM drive or a Palm Pilot.  

You can type 70 words per minute but you can't read your own handwriting.  

You comment to your wife that her straight hair is nice and parallel.  

You sit backwards on Disney rides so you can see how they do the special effects.  

You have saved every power cord from all your broken appliances.  

You have more friends on the Internet than in real life.  

You know what http <http:/// :// <http:/// stands for.  

You look forward to Christmas so you can put together the kids toys.  

You see a good design, and have to change it.  

You spent more on your calculator than you did on your wedding ring.  

You still own a slide rule and know how to use it.  

You think that people yawning around you are sleep deprived.  

You window shop at Radio Shack.  

Your laptop computer cost more than your car.  

Your wife hasn't the foggiest idea of what you do at work.  

You've already calculated how much you make per second.  

You've tried to repair a $5 radio.  

 

 

 

 d chip.....good for you for leaving and seeing you are not the problem. If you would like to join a group of us who are of have been in similar relationships, join us over at EZBoard at  "wives of engineers".

Sonja/Firstamom, 

  

Just wanted to make a comment to you that you are awesome!  Your "debate" with Diana hit the nail on the head!  I have been "debating" her via website and my personal email and it's so interesting.  Once the conversation reaches a certain point (just like on these boards) where she cannot spew out some rehearsed answer she clams up.  I think we all are glad she feels fulfilled in her position but sad she cannot see any other way of life that may produce great kids/families with morals and values.  Personally, I think she does what she does because she's not 100% happy in her own  life otherwise she wouldn't need to "help" others so badly.  Also, for Duckie and Judy- thank you for being there in the world my children will be in someday.  Duckie, I admire your profession and Judy, my son will be a lawyer some day.  My hope/dream is not that  all Moms stay home or work out but rather focus on teaching their kids what they can.  It's really easy to put blame on a situation outside of our own (I've done it, too!) yet I think once we ALL go beyond our own backyard and see how another situation may be beneficial (although not perfect) that's the beginnig of TRUE change and Sisterhood.  For all SAHM's who realize the life of a WM may NOT be the materialistic, self-absorbed, high-end situation they think- thank you!  It's not easy on either side of the fence.  We all do what we can, when we can to try and be the best parents we can be given our situation.   

 Dear Mr. Gallen,

I think it is quite interesting that you have several times in your messages on this board mentioned my messageboard "wivesofengineers".  While I do agree with you that some engineers do get a bad rap, there are some engineers, and some folks of other professions, who make the lives of thier partners a living hell. It  is my personal experience that not all engineers are domineering, controlling or critical. Being married to one, I have met several of his peers and thier spouses. Many of these guys are wonderuful, caring, funny, sloppy, normal and loving partners.  Thier wives do not get constantly nagged about how they loaded the dishwasher, or folded the sheets, or misplaced the phillips head screwdriver. They are not constantly told how they could "perfect thier housekeeping" routine. They are told that thier meals are great, that they are wonderful moms, and even told that they are appreciated for all the little loving things they do.

Then there are the other types of engineers (doctors, lawyers....you  name it) who scream, yell, insult, rage, belitttle, control all the money, andtry to control every possible thing they can in order to feel like they are better. I saw the show you and your lovely wife were on, and I could tell that you just "didn't get it". You looked bewildered by what Dr. Phil tried to explain to you about what is important and what is not. Robin (Mrs. McGraw) hit it right on the head when she told you that  your wife is a gift from God, and someone that you should treasure instead of making her feel like she's a burden to you.

Our message board was started because although you may not fit the description of an abusive spouse, there are a lot of them out there, and some of them just happen to be engineers. There are a lot of wives in emotional pain because of these abusive husbands, and it is nothing to be laughed at or joked about. It is abuse to make someone feel badly about themselves constantly or to use money to control someone.Some of these women have left these men, and are still feeling the effects of the abuse. So while you may be having some fun with what we are trying to do on our board, and what Dr. Phil is trying to do on his show (educate people), have some sensitivity to what the REAL situation is for some people. And by the way, I hope since you were on the show you have learned some more positive ways of helping your wife than criticism.

 JCH who emailed me at yahoo, I got your message today and replied. You can also reach me at a second email address added to my profile today. marcie