Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Grant seems clueless to me about what it means to be married and to love his wife.  Everything Dr. Phil said today seemed to fly right over Grant's head; he wasn't able to take it in because he had an agenda, foolish as that agenda may be.  A wife is not a child, and a husband should not be assuming the role of a parent in their relationship.  A man who loves his wife will treat her as his partner, not as a disobedient child who needs discipline.  Grant's commitment seems to be to a perfect home and hot meals rather than to a wife who loves him and simply wants him to love her back.  To add insult to injury, he takes off his wedding ring to show her that he is not going to concede to Kelly's ways!  That seems very childish to me, and most certainly hurtful to his wife, which I suppose is his intention.  That list of arbitrary skills he thinks a wife should have---I could only shake my head (with pity for Kelly) at some of the items Dr. Phil read from it.  I'm certain that there are some high energy women out there who are capable of fitting more into their day than I am, but there is no way that I, or most women, could meet Grant's unrealistic standards.  In demanding that Kelly meet his rigid expectations, he has lost sight of the true substance of marriage:  deep love, mutual respect, friendship and companionship, someone to share things that cannot be shared with any other person, a satisfying physical relationship, and the trust and acceptance that should be inherent in every marriage.  And how sad for their children, who observe and take in and personalize so much more than we are aware of!  It's very sad to imagine what kind of perception of a marriage relationship are they getting, and how will it affect their own relationships later on.  Grant needs to do some serious introspection and consider what is important in this life and what isn't, lest he lose that beautiful and wonderful wife and those precious children.     

Poor Kelly who has to live with a man who doesn't know how to relax.  A home is a place for love and comfort.  The children and Kelly should be happy to see Grant come home at the end of the day.  I have a feeling that the children and Kelly have to put up with a bunch of mean spirited put-downs from Grant as soon as he walks in the door.   

Poor Grant who doesn't seem to know how feel love and compassion.  Grant seems to really want to change, otherwise he would not have agreed to appear on Dr. Phil's show.  Grant has a wonderful smile.  Think of how happy Kelly would feel if Grant's face would light up with a big smile everytime he saw her.  She needs to see Grant's appreciation for her just because he loves her and not because she performs her chores correctly.  Perhaps Grant can change because he seems to want to be a better husband.  But I think he will need a lot more help than Dr. Phil can give him on the show. 

I am a stay at home wife and my wonderful husband of 36 years often does the dishes and laundry and whatever else he sees that needs doing.  He doesn't look at this as "helping" me.  He thinks of doing these chores as part of his job to keep the home running smoothly.  We have never divided jobs into his and hers.  We just do what needs to be done for the betterment of our family. 

I hope that Kelly and Grant will become and caring, happy and loving couple.   

Rewind the tape and watch it again. 

Amy wasn't attacking anyone. 

She was showing empathy for Kelly. 

Grant, I am a wife, mom, and grandma, and I will be 50 years old very soon.  When I watched you, I thought way back almost 29 years ago when I married my husband.  I came from a home where we lived pretty much like piglets.  He came from a home so clean you could eat off the floor.  I was my mother-in-law's worst nightmare.  We had some rough spots, but I became a better housekeeper and my husband got used to a casual style of housekeeping.  When our kids were in their teens, our house was the place to be.  Our driveway was always full of cars.  The kids knew which homes they were not welcome in; they were the homes where good people lived but nothing could be out of order.  My kitchen was never immaculate, but our kids' friends always knew there would be food here when they came.  It's been two months now since we became emptynesters.  I have a lot more time now to spend keeping the house in order, but I don't foresee it ever becoming a picture perfect home.  When my grandkids come to visit, I want them to know this is a home to be used, to play in, to make some messes in, to be a place they always want to be.    

I want to share a story with you.  Recently I had the opportunity to care for two young nephews who I only see once a year.  When there was a scuffle between them, I attempted to resolve the situation.  The oldest who was six, turned to me and with more authority than a lot of adults I know, proceeded to give me a sermon about his dad being in charge and how I had no right to tell him anything.  This saga went on for a good length of time and before it was over, I was trembling and shaken to the core.  Never in my life have I experienced anything like this.  This was not a bratty child throwing a temper tantrum; this was a child who carried on an adult-style confrontation, putting me in my place for daring to question him.  I attempted to talk to their dad, whose dictator style as a husband and parent was already evident to me.  My brother blamed his wife for not listening to him as he tried to teach her parenting skills he thought she should know.  I gently tried to explain to him that his kids were seeing and hearing him teaching and admonishing their mother, which took her out of the position of deserving respect from them and put her at their level; a child being taught by her father-husband.  He told me he has never witnessed his son behaving like I was describing, although his wife had told him the same story many times, but he maintained it was her fault, not the boy's because she was not teachable.  I explained that his son would never dream of behaving like that in front of him but in his absence, he assumed the position of his dad, and was in charge of his mother, and on that day, me.  Unfortunately, my brother refused to acknowlege that theory.  Even though our mother never kept a clean home or taught us how to do it ourselves, she was a dictator.  My brother inherited this honestly.  So did I, but I chose to rid myself of it, which did not occur overnight.  It's something I have to work on daily because your blood is in you and stays with you.  I wish I had understood all this from the beginning of my marriage.  My kids would tell you I was not the ideal mother, but I believe they would also tell you I worked very hard to overcome a difficult upbringing to become a good wife and mom.  I think they would also say they have a lot of fond memories.  Good luck to you, Grant!  I have confidence in you! 

Hi again Kelly. Learn from me if poss. I too EE "widow." Took me till my kids were in teens to get a grip on me & stop looking to husband or society for validation. 

Your job as stay-at-home parent is to teach your children to function well in the world. This always means being part of a team. Household tasks are family tasks; work is joint, not individual.  Sorry but ignore your husband-- leave space for him to step into the team if he gets tired of sitting on the bench. 

Begin teaching your kids household responsibility from babyhood. Especially boys, because society won't help them with this. If they grow up feeling competent around the house, they may be more flexible negotiating spousal roles when adult, despite poor parental modeling. 

You see how your babies love to imitate. Let them copy putting toys in a big container as soon as they can sit up.  Don't mess with toy-organizing bins until the eldest is at least 5 or 6, if ever. Each brain organizes on its own & must be given space to find its way. 

Here's a great way to study how kids operate and learn: volunteer as a parent-helper in preK & K. 

Teach toddlers how to pull the covers up daily,  to 'make' their beds-- you do yours while they do theirs. KEY: don't ever 'correct' or make it neater. Let them be proud & show it off.  Teach them additional steps just one at a time as they grow in size & coordination.  

Don't make my stupid errors:  do 'men's' work yourself-- from taking out the garbage to changing the oil in the car, & involve your kids. It is great training for girl or boy. Lots of helpful info online.  

Handling money wisely is part of household responsibility. Begin with small change at an early age-- give them opportunities to earn & spend.  As they grow, larger household tasks can be taught & motivated this way.  

Don't be surprised-- EXPECT-- your spouse to interfere & try to sabotage your efforts.  Listen courteously to his perspective, minimize discussion, & do what's best for the kids.  

Best of luck.