Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

(((BigHugs))) for you. Your post brought tears to my eyes. The reason why is because about six months ago I could have written your post. First I was a SAHM to our two boys. So, EVERYTHING was my responsibility, he wouldn't even help with the kids by just playing with them after work. He'd put them in front of the TV and he'd sleep or play on the computer. Nothing was done right and there was only ONE right way to do it. I didn't do the laundry right , I didn't do the grocery shopping right, I didn't pay the bills the right way. Then,  I started back to school. I was in school full-time and he said I didn't get paid for it, it didn't benefit our home so everything was still my responsibility. He said that all I did was sit on my butt in class all day so there was no reason I couldn't handle everything else. Then, I got pregnant with our third. We knew we would need more money, so I got a job. Before this anytime I said we needed something his response was, "Get a job!". So, I got a part-time job and was still a full-time student. I was also very sick with this pregnancy all day and all night long. Well, my job wasn't good enough. I was a part-time bank teller, but, that didn't qualify as a 'real' job so, the house and kids were STILL my complete responsibility! I was so sick that in the evenings all I could do was just feed the kids and lie down b/c I was vomitting 10-20 times a day and had been hospitalized several times. Once, I had just come from the bathroom from once again puking my guts out...well, mostly just dry heaves b/c there was nothing to come up. I sat down on the couch trying to recollect myself. The house was a bit messy and dinner hadn't been made. This idiot had the nerve to say to me, "You know, the kids deserve to live in a tidy home."  

Well, to avoid making this reply longer than it already is, my husband is now my soon-to-be-ex-husband. Back in March when I was still pregnant and very sick, I packed up my children and went to a women's shelter. No, my idiot husband wasn't hitting me, but, my therapist helped me realize that what he was doing was emotional abuse and was just as bad, if not worse than physical abuse. Your husband is abusing you just as mine was. Oh, and the sex-on-demand is sexual abuse, my ex did the same thing. If I wouldn't have sex with him he'd hold me down and masturbate. I too felt like a servent or a possession and was tired of it. I just couldn't do it anymore. I finally realized that I deserved so much better. What's even more important is I realized what it was doing to my children. If things stayed the way they were my boys would have grown up to believe that women were merely servents put on this earth to please the men in their lives. Either that or they would have allowed other people to treat them as their father treated me. Do you want this for your son? 

Now, if you are determined to stay with him and try to make yourself perfect for him, you are setting yourself up for a huge failure and disappointment. This is not about you. It's about him. You ARE a good wife and mother, his attitude has nothing to do with your abilities. Now, to keep your own sanity there is a great system I use to keep myself together. I'm taking care of three boys under the age of four, I'm working and going to school. Have you heard of Flylady? Check out www.flylady.com. Its a wonderful home organization system that will help you. However, even if the house is perfect, the food is perfect, everything is perfect, don't expect your husband to suddenly start treating you like a human being.  

Sweeite, this man is mistreating you. He is abusing you. You deserve so much better and so does your son! Your son needs a happy mom, not one who feels pushed down and stepped on. Do you want your son to think that this is what a marriage is? A co-worker was in a similar situation. She finally left when her 8-year-old daughter said that she didn't want to have any babies b/c then she'd have a husband who made her sad and she would never have any fun again.  

My heart truly aches for you because I've been there. Right now I am tired, I am stressed, I don't know how I'm going to pay the rent and my car is falling apart. But, I'm happy, I'm finally happy and I finally like myself again and realize that I have worth and I am a good mother and a hard-working person! That alone is worth all the stress and work.  

If you EVER need to talk, vent, cry, or you need advice on something PLEASE feel free to email me at: momluvspunx@hotmail.com  I would love to hear from you and would love to help you in any way that I can. 

I wanted to add one thing (or three) LOL  Since I was so used to doing things on my own - my h would tell me All you have to do is ask?  I say I shouldn't have to ask, but he doens't know what I am doing, and how many things I would like to accomplish before I go to bed, so yes I will ask if I need help.   

The other thing is do we really know that our h expects things from us, or do we just do them.  My b said to me the other day, I don't care if the house is clean.  It is me who likes the house clean not him.  I have stopped stressing about the house and realized it is not that important.  A lot of the things I do around the house or to myself I do it for me, not for him.  Maybe alot of you think you are doing them for your h's, I know in the back of my mind I used to think I was doing them for h, but I am realizing he doesn't care if the dishes aren't done, it is me who cares.  Never once has he said this house is  a mess.  I am not reallly too sure what I am trying to say here, I guess I am trying to say stop stressing yourself and stop trying to do everything because maybe those things don't matter to your husband.  Do they really notice the crumbs on the kitchen floor? 

I really enjoyed the show today. After I watched it I told my husband that what I heard on the show today made me realize that I need to look at my role in our marriage differently. 

I think that Diana is one Dr.Phil most intelligent guest. She spoke clearly and passionately about how she feels about her "career".  I also feel she wasn't portrayed fairly. She made excellent points about being a housewife. It is a job and it is a difficult job. Why not give it your all. When my husband goes to work at the office all day, he doesn't just do what has to be done to get by. He doesn't go to work in his PJ's. He gives it his all in a professional manner. What makes it wrong for Diana to give it her all and to take pride in what she does. This is what really caught my attention, and helped me in my daily struggles as a housewife. I need to start looking at my role as a career choice that should be taken seriously. I would give my 100% outside the home and I need to start doing that here. It is hard for me to put into words how Diana made me feel. But I know I want to start being more like her. She also made me feel like I do not need my husband to validate the job I do. I can validate myself. My job is an important part of my marriage. Marriage is a partnership. My husband does his part by providing for and protecting us. He is a father, a friend, a husband and a lover. He does all these things so well. Why should he get any less from me. 

I would really love if I could email Diana and ask her for some advice on what to do so that I can be as successful at what I do as she is. And I am proud to share the same job title as her, "housewife"! 

Too funny.  I don't bow down to my husband, I respect him, and he respects me.  If you had your day organized, you would have plenty of time to change your shirt or whatever to show your husband when he gets home that you're till his wife.  But you keep up the old "that crap wouldn't fly", and the next time you want him to pay the mortgage or the electricity remember that maybe he deserves something in return. 

BTW, the whole make up thing was just to prove a point, that if your husband works hard all day then why not do something for him.  Yes, I work hard all day but I clearly have more down time than he does.  it's a give and take, you want the mortgage paid, he wants to see you in makeup....fair trade?  If you have your own self-esteem, it would not be an issue at all. 

Diana 

BRAVO!!!  What a wonderful man you are! My husband is like you but so many of my friends whine and moan everyday about how lazy and useless their husbands are and I count myself lucky that my husband and I have a loving and respectful relationship...not to say we don't have our moments...we ask don't demand and we give kisses and I love you's every morning and night (and a lot in between)...I don't think we would make it if not for each other...like you stated he is my best friend... 

The word is marriage.  I am a full time working mother.  I have been in a very bad marriage.  Where nothing was equal.  I was expected to be a full time mother.  Clean the house head to toe. Everything had to be in a specific spot and place. The house was to be a museum and it was not to be lived in. It was a cold atmosphere.  He was abusive and controlling.  I am now remarried and have a wonderful husband.  But due to expenses of the last marriage I do have to work full time.  

What I know about a good marriage is that it is compromise on both parts.  We have to be there for each other.  You always have to have I love you and I care about you.  You have to look at each other with love and not spite.  You have to know each other weaknesses and embrace them and not use them against each other. We both have a job.  We both work full time.  But at the same time we BOTH are full time parents (of a combined family of past marriages).  This means that he can not come home and just sit down.  I can not come home and just sit down.  Because as a working mother I can not do it all on my own. And we work together.  We do not put each other down.  We do the chores together.  And in front of the children all we do is show support for each other. 

But there are times when I am out of work.  And during that time my full time job is at home.  I put in the time in cleaning, and having dinner on the table. You never get away from the eight hour job.  If it might be at an office or at home. Then the full time parent job is both of ours together and we have time with family and each other.  We always make time for each other.  A hug when we see each other.  We never fight in front of the children.  We always make up and work everything out.  I have times I am so exhausted and so is he.  Things just don’t get done.  But we do not put each other down for it.  The key is understanding.  He never comes home from work, eating dinner and ignoring me.  The work of the family is still going and we sit down and rest together.  I did my eight hour job at the house; he did his eight hour job at the office. Then comes the time of our job of   FAMILY…. 

I have seen so many mothers that stay at home and don’t do anything.  They just get up and expect everything to do all on its own.  And leave the husband to put in the hours at work. When the husband gets upset they just don’t understand.  He just sits at a desk doing nothing I just don’t get it.  I will tell you what.  I have done that job at the desk and it can be just as draining as a physical job. 

Then I have been and have seen women that have killed themselves doing it all.  While the husband just sits on his tail. All he does is complain.   

I am marriage with children, which means a full time job.  It may be at work on a job or at home.  But if I had the choice I would be at home cleaning and having the dinner on the table every night.  And letting him just work on the job.  The children suffer when you have to do both.  They need the stability.  The job of staying at home is not easy.  Despite what many men may think.  Working a full time job and raising children is even harder.  When you are married and have a good husband and he works with you it is so wonderful.  When I am tired, he worries about me.  When he is tired, I worry about him.  We take the load to help the other person.   There is always praise.  Or it would not work.  I have been in a marriage where I was put down all the time and almost killed.  And now I have someone that all he does is treat me and my children with full respect and love.  That is what a marriage is in my oppinion.