Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

My 7 year marriage is falling apart because my husband can't accept me for me.  We went through pre-marital counseling and made many decisions concerning married life BEFORE we got married.  Things were great for the first part of our marriage.  Unfortunately, I got sick. 

Since my daily life is ruled by my illness, I am constantly berated and belittled.  I'm not healthy enough, and waste too much money on doctor visits and medicines.   I'm not thrifty enough, I'm not (excessively) saving enough, I don't have sex enough, I don't initiate enough, I'm not neat enough and I'm not compliant enough.  I don't cook enough, I don't please him enough.  I'm not organized enough. I don't work enough and I don't earn enough.   

I am a decent, loving, nurturing, caring, generous, thrifty, responsible, honest, loyal person.  My marriage is not falling apart because I'm lazy.  Dispite what I, my doctors, or our therapist tells my husband, he continues to believe that our marriage would be fine if I just tried harder.   

I'm trying desperately to stay married.  I come from divorce, children are innocent, and don't deserve to be the products of divorce or conflict of a bad marriage either.  I am willing to do whatever I need to do for the sake of my son.  Even if it means being miserable. 

I admit freely that I am domestically challenged.  But we do not live in a pig sty.  Even though we have the money, he will not allow me to have someone come in every now and then to help with the cleaning because he thinks I don't deserve the help.   Because of my illness, I need to choose constantly between being a loving and attentive mom and making my husband happy by satifying all of his requirements. In light of this, I would consider it the ultimate failure if my tombstone said "She Kept a Clean House" especially since even if I did, it wouldn't have been good enough for him anyway. 

He hates dr. phil and leaves the room if I have the show on.  I got the book on CD, Relationship Rescue and kept it in the car.  He wouldn't listen.   I think he believes that his advice is unreasonable and besides, wouldn't apply to me anyway because I'm so lazy.  Wish I had someone to slap him in the face and tell him he's lucky he's got a great wife.  Even if she does leave dishes in the sink.   

Wow , 

 Eye opening ! I knew I did this just didn't realize the effect it has on my husband. I feel like he is very passive so I take charge ALOT apperantly too much. I my be some of the reason he never has 2cents to offer on anything. I've left him to scared to speak and emothionaly bankrupt. Wow, now how do I reverse this. Hopefully I'll have the patience to get this right. 

I would just like to say that so many of these women don't realize that 20 yrs ago many women didn't have the CHOICES we have now.  you can CHOOSE to stay at home, you can CHOOSE to go to work.  You can CHOOSE to do either or both. However, the downside for me is that now I feel as if women are expected to do it all. What I'd like to know is when did it stop being shameful to be a man who didn't take care of his family properly??  If I had a husband who took care of his family properly, maybe I'd have the luxury of being a stay at home mom.   

The only person that has a realistic take on this is Diana - she understands that no home can function properly without the woman staying at home. Her husband earns the money and she runs the empire at home - one of the most noble and probably satisfying things someone can do. Who wants to work all day, leave your children, be stressed out and come home and have to take care of the family? You are a very very lucky woman Diana and I think you know it!! I am 30 & single and have a very satisfying career. I would give it up in a second to have a loving family and stay at home and take care of everyone! I would even wear hot stilettos everyday if that's what it takes!  

Karen 

ps-who ever said that the kitchen is a prison??? 

I think you need to stop & think about what you're saying here.  I think you've got Mommy burn out & I'm sorry I don't mean any of this to sound like I'm being a smart @ss, but Mommy burn out is a real thing.  You sound like you've a very low opinion of yourself & many of the titles you put on yourself.  All those people are right you do need time for yourself sometimes even if only to gather your thoughts.  I don't know about getting "dressed up" but when you allow yourself to not dress it can effect your self esteem.  You're not just dressing up for hubby but you do so for YOU.  If you feel like you look like a slob you start to feel you are a slob.............  You'd said that you "will never be good enough no matter how clean my house is or how well I cook"  are you saying you'll never be good enough in the opinion of society or are you saying you'll never be good enough to your own standards?   

Again I think you've Mommy burnout & that's why there are so many contradictions in terms in your post "I often feel trapped, alone, unappreciated,"   Then you go on & turn around & say "I do have a very happy marriage."  I'm sure you do have a happy marriage & I know we're hearing the frustrations your feeling being a mom & wife & I know this from experience.  We can be home with kids just so long before we really need an adult to talk to & being at home or working outside of it women have an awful lot of things on their plates to balance.  It's just too over whelming.  Some time to yourself can be something as simple as a relaxing bath once a week.  Some time alone *is* an option.  You're right in that a marriage is sacrifice on both parts & for a husband to watch kids for an hour or so so we can try to regain our senses usually comes back to a guy in a good way anyway.  :)   

Please take care of yourself you'll find you'll have so much more patience & you'll feel better about everything.  AGain I hope this didn't sound self rightoues because it isn't intended that way.    

The husband on today's show "Wifestyles" lacking people skills.  Could he be really trying to bash on someone who reminds him of a parent he hated or of the things in himself he hated? 

She selected a mate who is really untrainable in my opinion.  There's not much to work with if all he can see if what he wants, needs and expects.  It's like a big infant who is also Hitler.   

As for the woman who said working mothers can't do a good job both in & out of the home.  Not everyone is so anal they can look up what they've planned for dinner in 2017.  Everyone has different styles of management & just because this woman likes to do the rigid approach to being a mate, doesn't mean all wives are like that.  Who can say what someone else is capable of?  Each woman has a different I.Q., level of emotional or mental stability, etc.  Every mom must decide for herself what she is capable of.  It's hard to pretend your the anal type if you're more of a creative type.  Some people follow instinct more than lists on calendars.  And then the kids make things really unpredictable.  Three kids in this household are not equivalent to three kids in the next house.  All have different temperaments, genes, bents, experiences, problems, gifts, and motivations.   

If you want to spray perfume, put on a fresh shirt, and look good for your mate, do it.  But home is a place where every family member can let their hair down and be themselves.  If they feel tired and don't have the time or energy to look good, home is the place to do that.  My husband doesn't try to look good for me when he gets home.  He comes home to enjoy himself and get comfortable.  And he doesn't reach for his most attractive shirt when he changes after work, he reaches for the biggest, softest, most comfy clothes.  They don't match.  Sometimes they're not clean, but he's home & it's okay to just be a slob & kick back at home.  It's just "us."  And I get to be that way at home, too.  When we go out, we try to clean up and put on a fresh shirt.  But after 12 years of marriage, the love is about the other's heart and soul, not their duds. 

Life's too short to worry about superficial appearances.  I'd love my husband if he were covered in motor oil and farting up a storm.  And vice versa.  If we were both wanting to feel romantic on a particular night, we would each try to dress in a way that made us feel good about ourselves to enhance our romantic mood.  But we don't try to force others to follow our way of living. 

Well, I suppose it depends on how much $money$ the husband can make being the sole person in the workforce  to begin with. Some women have to work and don't have a choice. While some women want to work, even though they don't have to;  which in  that case the woman should not have more than 2 children really. I don't think its right to go dump your kids off at the babysitter or daycare and let someone else raise them for you if you don't have to.  

No, as a wife and an employee you can't give 100% to your job and your family. If the woman has to work, the husband should equally help out in the home. He should want to do this anyway. Why should a woman have to work all day and be a slave at home too? Even my fiance doen't think that is fair or right.   

I am a full time college student and live with my fiance. I don't have a job; college is my job. I do all the housework; I cook and clean. I want to do this for him, because I know he works hard for us. He still comes home and takes out the trash. When I was studying this weekend for my midterms; he mopped the floors, unloaded the dishwasher, and even cleaned out my truck and I didn't ask him to.  We discussed prior to living together what both of our roles would be.