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Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:34:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.

 

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judyblue22

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October 10, 2005, 2:49 pm PDT

Working doesn't mean not valuing family

Quote From: chdsgrl

Lol,  that's all I can say really about your post.  I have seen more women "dumped" at the age of 45 who put everything in front of their husbands and their kids. 

  

Secondly, when I finished my paralegal studies, I was on my way to law school, but got prenant and made the decision to stay home with my kids.  I guess the difference between us is that you value your career, I value my family. 

  

Also, I didn't think I was putting down anybody else, I was merely expressing my opinion.  I haven't seen the show yet, so I will be interested to see how I was putting other people down. 

  

I don't need validation for what I do from society, my self esteem and my validation comes from me, my husband and my kids. 

  

I never said there was only one true way, I just believe that when you have kids, you need to put them first before your career.  Take it or leave it, but don't try and make me out to be some horrible person. 

  

Thanks 

  

Diana 

sanemommy@yahoo.com 

In the show you said that a woman can't work and parent.  That sounds a bit like putting down working mothers, don't you think?  And in the post I quoted, you said "I guess the difference between us is that you value your career, I value my family. "  That sounds like you are putting me down, don't you think? 

  

Being a successful working mother it isn't easy and it takes some guts, but thanks to the women who came before us and struggled, we CAN do it. Here's an example: 

  

When my daughter was a baby, I refused to travel for my work because I was nursing.  I was supported by the courts in this stance (thanks to women's lib). In one case, a judge ordered that discoveries (your depositions) take place in my little town. Three big city lawyers travelled here and (timing is everything) just as they were settled and ready to go, I had to feed my daughter. My client and I stepped out and they had coffee and waited. When we returned, the offer my client wanted was on the table.  

  

I have never been forced to compromise meeting my family's needs or desires nor has my working husband. We have been happily married for 21 years and our children are wonderful!  

  

I don't need to put down stay at home mothers to feel great about my life. 
 
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loralie
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October 10, 2005, 2:58 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: striple

That being a 'good wife' or a 'good husband' is something that one is supposed to learn watching their parents.  So what about those of us who grew up without their real father, and alcoholic step-father, and a mother, who had the best intentions, but didn't set a wonderful example?  I am almost 29 and have been married six years now.  I have two beautiful children and one on the way.  I grew up learning how to be selfish, controlling, and manipulative.  I made a choice (very bad one) at the age of 19 that drastically reinforced those charactertraits.  I have had one example in my life of what a 'good wife' is, but it was fleeting.  I am currently saving up the money to get Relationship Rescue for my husband and I for Christmas.   And when I saw the preview to the show that this topic was started for, I thought, "Finally!"  While it is great that y'all have loving husbands, and seem to have a good grasp on who a 'good wife' is supposed to be, what she is supposed to do, and all of that, some of us don't.  You would be surprised how many women out there don't know.    And to start the first post in this topic with : 
good grief! who came up with this subject?!!
seems really judgemental to me.   I'm not trying to start an arguement or anything, that was just my first reaction to that question.  I understand that  you probably were not intdening it that  way.  But I am definately coming back here in hopes that those of us who don't know, or aren't sure, about being a good wife can come together and talk to other women, like yourself, who do.  We can talk to each other and learn from each other. 
Firstly, congrats for realizing that you need help, that takes alot of insight and courage. I grew up in a stable, but slightly disfunctional family. You may need counseling, I know my husband and I did and still do, but remember that even though you grew up learning disfunctional things you can change. My father grew up  in an abusive and disfunctional family. He was constantly called stupid by his father and his mother was very mentally ill and would not seek medical or psychiatric attention for this affliction. He grew to be a loving father and husband by looking at this disfunctional behavior and deciding what he wanted to be. Everybody in their lives needs to stop and take a look at the person they are and the person they want to be, then they need to plan and implement the plan. After they have done this they need to evaluate where they are. This can work in relationships by sitting and talking with your spouse. Communication is the only way that you can save a relationship. My marriage is far from perfect, but I realized how important my relationship is with my husband after I was raped in December. My husband was and has been the most supportive person I have ever know. He took care of me when I was dealing with (and am still dealing with) the issues surrounding the rape. The good thing that came out of that situation was that we learned how well we could honestly communicate with each other, the rape crisis counselor said that we were the only couple she new who could communicate about the rape so well. Through this I have learned how important communication is and how much I love my husband. I will never love another man like I do him. (He watched the show with me and we discussed our relationship and what a good husband and wife are - this is a great way to start a relationship discussion by the way). Also on this website Dr. Phil has the "homework" from his relationship retreat thing - it is under relationships/sex, you might want to check this out while you are saving money for Relationship Rescue - don't wait until Christmas.
 
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cathymoyer
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October 10, 2005, 2:58 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Kelly needs to wake up.  She sat on that stage through the whole show like a zombie.  She is just a shell of a person at this point.  In a nut shell, her husband has been emotionally abusing her.  Any time someone feels the need to critisise and tear someone down instead of building them up, they are destroying their spouse's self esteem and changing who they are.  I just wanted to wrap my arms around her and tell her that it doesn't have to be this way.  She is a great person just the way she is.   

  

I have a solution.  All Kelly needs to do is start grading her husbands performance in bed each and every time and I would bet he would very quickly learn how it feels.   
 
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indiana77
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October 10, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

woke up to smell the coffee

Well it's true I do this to my husband. My man is the victim. I not only shoot him down but I could probably offer a slice of better housekeeping with my cup of critisism. Boy if I'm not the pot calling the kettle black. I don't know where to begin. Wish me LUCK I'll need it.
 
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lilgoldy
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October 10, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

I grew up in a home where both my parents worked full time.  At the end of the day, however, my mother was expected to do all of the cooking, cleaning, childcare, etc.  At 28 my blood still boils when I remember him coming home and sitting on the couch to watch tv while my mother cooked dinner and then served it to him on a tv tray.  Then she would sit down with a bowl of cottage cheese because he was constantly berating her about her weight.  I know for a fact that my mother has always had very low self-esteem and I always believed that she settled because she didn't think she could do any better.  It is so horribly sad to see wonderful women like my mother and kelly on the show that don't demand the respect and love that they deserve.  I have been married myself for six years now and I know that my husband loves, honors, and cherishes me.  Our marriage is a partnership based on mutual respect and a desire to support one another no matter what. No woman deserves less than that.
 
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lilmama75
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October 10, 2005, 3:00 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: phiajay

it is obvious that you don't know that much about the Bible. I agree that there are a lot of versions out there that aren't the real thing, but that shouldn't denote the true meaning. 

Yes, the Bible says you should obey your husbands, but it also says that husbands should love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. IF that is the case, then we shouldn't have a problem obeying our husbands, b/c they wouldn't be demanding much from us. I have heard about the book of Enoch, there is also a book out there called Thomas. About Doubting Thomas, one of the disciples..I don't believe that they were real books in the Bible. Men did write the Bible as God inspired them to do. If a man did write Enoch and Thomas, I believe God did not inspire it and thus that is why it is not in the Bible today! God preserves His true Word. I think a lot of people are scared to believe the Bible b/c they don't want to live it. The most important thing to know is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins that we could live  for eternity in Heaven.    

Guess what! Not everyone is a Christan. can we stop the almighty bible debate?  I will say this about the bible and be done....the main theme from the 10 Commandments, to Jesus' teachings were RESPECT FOR OTHERS!!!!! That is also the main teaching in EVERY religon out there. Why can't we agree to disagree... 

  
 
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wiccan1972
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October 10, 2005, 3:04 pm PDT

The book of enoch is written by the same men

Quote From: phiajay

it is obvious that you don't know that much about the Bible. I agree that there are a lot of versions out there that aren't the real thing, but that shouldn't denote the true meaning. 

Yes, the Bible says you should obey your husbands, but it also says that husbands should love their wives as they love themselves and as Christ loves the church. IF that is the case, then we shouldn't have a problem obeying our husbands, b/c they wouldn't be demanding much from us. I have heard about the book of Enoch, there is also a book out there called Thomas. About Doubting Thomas, one of the disciples..I don't believe that they were real books in the Bible. Men did write the Bible as God inspired them to do. If a man did write Enoch and Thomas, I believe God did not inspire it and thus that is why it is not in the Bible today! God preserves His true Word. I think a lot of people are scared to believe the Bible b/c they don't want to live it. The most important thing to know is that Jesus died on the cross for our sins that we could live  for eternity in Heaven.    

 The book of enoch are written by the same men who wrote other parts of bible. These same men where inspired by what you call GOD. Who is to tell which ones where real books and not real books ..failable human beings. I don't believe in the bible because it was written by men in a time when woman had no rights and men wrote things in there to meet thier own agendas.
I am in no way afriad of the bible because I do not want to live the way it shows because I think the bible was written to control people and nothing more. In the bible it promotes slavery, men are not suppose to touch a woman while she is on her period and says woman should only wear womens clothings.
Do you deny what is in your own bible. You can't believe in parts of the bible but not follow it in it's entire-ity.
In the bible your father owns you and can do with you as he wishes even sell you to your neighbor.
Oh I know the bible. I know it better than you do. Read the fine print..all of it.
The bible is meant to control you and it works...because your told not to question it.
 
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laughterez
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October 10, 2005, 3:04 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

"Times have changed. All of society needs to realize this. Nobody HAS to do anything anymore" 

  

If times had truly changed, then all society already would have realized it. 

  

Rather than give a subjective "well my parents" yadda yadda. Ill just say from my point of view, having a responsible adult who is available all the time, is better for the household than having the kids raised by TV and babysitters/daycare. 

  

Thats just my opinion though, I dont have all the answers. 

  

  
 
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sarah938u
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October 10, 2005, 3:07 pm PDT

Silly Girl

Quote From: karmour

The only person that has a realistic take on this is Diana - she understands that no home can function properly without the woman staying at home. Her husband earns the money and she runs the empire at home - one of the most noble and probably satisfying things someone can do. Who wants to work all day, leave your children, be stressed out and come home and have to take care of the family? You are a very very lucky woman Diana and I think you know it!! I am 30 & single and have a very satisfying career. I would give it up in a second to have a loving family and stay at home and take care of everyone! I would even wear hot stilettos everyday if that's what it takes!  

Karen 

ps-who ever said that the kitchen is a prison??? 

  

Well, like all things in life, it's all about the money.  If you can't afford to feed the kids, you've got to work along side the husband out in the cold, cruel world.  Sorry.  It's not like Leave it to Beaver in 2005 in America.  It's dog-eat-dog & you've got to feed your pack and make a home for them in ways June Cleaver never would have imagined.  It's not easy to parent these days.  Hats off to anyone who's trying it.  If your mate earns enough money so you can afford to stay home, that's awesome.  But most wives and mothers have to work outside of the home, too.  So let's not get too critical of them.  They are doing what it takes to cover the basics in this economy.  It's not perfect, but nothing in life is.
 
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willow2645
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October 10, 2005, 3:07 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

I think that there has to be some middle ground somewhere. I believe that moms should be home raising kids and not out working too but I don't, by any means, think it's my sole purpose in life to serve my husband.  I also know that this situation isn't workable for everyone.  There are lots of people out there who, for whatever reason, can't stay home and be a full time mother.  I'm a stay at home mom and I do my best to be "prettied up" and have the house clean and supper on the table when my husband comes home.  Does it happen every day?  No.  As a friend of mine once told me, "you're a wife and mother, not the staff".  I think my situation works for everyone because my husband cherishes me and respects that what I do is ALSO work.  He knows that my "pay" is appreciation and he makes sure he "pays" me every single day.  Not a day goes by that I don't hear a "thanks for makin supper" or "thanks for cleanin up the house".  The show today showed two extremes.  It would have been nice to see some people on who were on middle ground. 
 
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