Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

I take it from your post that you are suggesting to Kelly that she make a move to end the relationship and disrupt the family. Is that really what you are suggesting would be a good idea? 

I am not sure that would really help anyone. 

 Dear Dr. Phil,

I think it depends on the women and how she feel and how her husband feel.  The two are a team from the start and they have to decide what works for them.  They have to come to some kind of
agreement is how to run the house hold.   Also what they feel comfortable with.  It will take communication on both parts which is alway a problem in marriages for some reason.  They
must have had some idea before they said I do in what there values are. every marriage set there
own goals and what kind of expectations they want in there relationship and future.  Maybe if he
expects too much of his wife let him do reverse roles for a while and see how he would appreciate
it.  A women is not  bewitch who can wiggle her nose and make things happen.  Maybe he watched
alot of that show at  one time.  Anyway that is my opinion.  I always say and I did say it too my exhusband ADIOUS AMIGO.    It  can be arranged      sincerely cyndi

You ask some interesting questions. 

I know that Kelly and I have talked about her expectations of her husband. 

I may not have understood them like I should have, perhaps? It is certainly worth looking into. 

Dr. Phil & Robin: 

I noticed on the video that just about all the cabinets were overflowing with stuff just poked here and there. You are so good about helping out people on the show with areas of their life that still need help, like couseling, services and such. I hope after the show was over that there was some help offered to see if she could get someone in to help her learn how to organize her home. I feel that was a major contention between them. She may want to be better organized but does not know how. Could you at least ask her if that is a desire of hers? There is a life beyond kids. She needs to enjoy being a woman!  

I have some other suggestions beyond what you said on the program.  

1. Why not organize a kid co-op with a neighbor or two. Barter hours if necessary to free up some time for herself. She seemed overwhelmed with the house, kids and all.  

2. Talk to her husband about helping out like every other night bathing the kids and getting them ready for bed. This could include a bedtime story too. The bonding would be a plus. 

3. During the day, delegate little jobs to the older kids. They should be able to pick up their own toys twice a day. Once before naps and at bedtime.  

Maybe things like this along with what you were telling them would help.  

I read your posting and I just wanted to talk to you.  It is good that you can encourage Kelly to do what requires a lot of strength.  I also think that you need to be encouraged also. 

Although I do not know you, I know that you are a beautiful person.  You are worthy to be loved.  I know that sometimes as women, we want to be there for our man and love them.  But, a person who does not love themselves cannot possibly love you or accept your love.  And when you are dealing with a person that does not love themselves, they will do everything to ensure that you do not love yourself or value yourself or love your life.   

You say you do not know who you are.  Well, I am going to tell you who you are.  You are a woman who was created to do great things in her life.  You are intelligent and you are very positive.  I know you are positive because despite what you are going through, you were able to uplift Kelly.  Well, now it its time to be that to yourself.  It is time to uplift yourself.  Your life is valuable.  Would you like to know how I know that?  Because God created you and he loves you.  He loves you enough to know how many hairs you have on your head.  He knew who you were before you were created and he knows you now.  He feels your pain and he wants to heal you from the pain.  Whether you accept him or reject him he still loves you and wants the best for you.  I know that you feel stripped of yourself, but you will be restored.   

 In pain there is growth and in growth there is change.  I would advise you to seek out a place where you could turn to whether it be a church or  a friend you can trust or a therapist.  And if you ever feel like killing yourself again, please remember these words that I said to you.   

Although I do not know you, I will pray for you.  And please know that trouble does not last always.   

My reaction to watching Grant and Kelly was,  Grant was not understood for what he was trying to say.  He obviously loves kelly and was not trying to be vicious and critical, but was wanting to improve the domestic situation.  Being an engineer, his nature is  to have things neat and orderly -- which I have to agree, makes life daily life much more enjoyable.  It looks like kelly could use some helpful tips to less clutter and more space, which makes everyday housekeeping easier and the mind feel more at ease.  Of course you should scrape the dishes before putting them in the washer;  of course you can make good, simple dinners with just a little planning;  maybe grant could consider hiring a housecleaner once a month for the big stuff,  just to give kelly a little help, if things aren't up to his standard.  And maybe Kelly could try to get more of a schedule to complete tasks, or a babysitter while she goes shopping.  He was not trying to personally attack kelly,  but  just felt there was room for improvement as far as the manner in which she did her chores.  He is just more precise and particular about the way things should be done.  Of course it's nice to wake up to an empty dishwasher and clean kitchen, Kelly just has to learn how to manage her time better and ask for help when she can't get everything done.  It takes two to run a household.  I thought his biggest complaint was he wanted the house more organized; a place for everything and everything in its place.  I think Kelly shouldn't take it as a personal insult when he wants to help organize the tupperware drawer, or clean the pantry - let him do it!  I always tell my husband, if he can do a better job, then go ahead and do it.  It might even make her life easier.  And you do have to take time, just a little effort, five minutes before your husband gets home to put your hair in a poneytail or put on a clean top.  A little effort goes a long way.  And I'm sorry, Kelly, but you do look like you shop with your mother -- you're too young for that.  Go shop with a girlfriend next time.  There is enough time in the day, if you plan your day right.  I'm a working mother so I have to throw a load of clothes in the washer before I leave in the morning, then throw them in the dryer before I go to bed at night, so I don't have to spend my weekends doing laundry.  There is no reason to leave them in there for days.  Kelly, try to get some professional domestic housecleaning tips to make it  more enjoyable. It's not that hard, you just need a system.  Make a big meatloaf on Sunday dinner so you can have leftovers on Monday.  Find some easy recepies.  Cooking together can actually be fun.  You can throw a chuck roast in the crockpot with a bottle of salsa on top and bake potatoes and have a delicious dinner.  That's one of my favorites, and easy.  You can put a whole chicken in the oven rubbed with spices and bake it slowly all day with some steamed rice, and another delicious dinner.  I'll be happy to give you some simple recipies, if you would like.  And make the kids help and get involved.  You'd be surprised how much they can do and how much they will live up to your expectations to help keep the house clean.  My one-year-old helps me throw his dirty clothes in the laundry.  They can help set the table.  They can put their dishes on the sink.  Every little bit helps.  Wow, I wrote much more than I intended to.  I hope my suggestions are helpful. 

Good luck, Roseanna 

I think you'll be interested to know that on weekends, and evenings when I am home early from work, I do take on the cooking. I enjoy cooking. We like to BBQ in the backyard. I try to lighten Kelly's load whenever I can. I think you are correct in your proposed marital agreement. 

Grant.