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Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:34:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.

 

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October 11, 2005, 10:15 pm PDT

What are the underlying issues?

Quote From: gallen

If this is all you are taking away from watching the show then you (and I) should sit down and watch it again. Dr. Phil wanted me to watch it over and over again. I think what you are responding to is the glamorized part of the show that wasn't truly indicative of what the underlying issues are. Tyry giving it a deeper look; I know you'll see more. 

  

Grant. 

 Dear Grant:
    What are the underlying issues Grant? What part of the show are you NOT WATCHING. Obviously you are watching just the part that you are the good husband who is trying to help his unorganized wife. Who wants her to dress sexy for HERSELF (lol). Give me a break!  You are only decieving yourself. How does it make you feel when your wife does not meet up to your standards?
 
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October 11, 2005, 10:20 pm PDT

I learned from the best

First off I get the privelege of stating that my parents will celebrate their 37th wedding anniversary this Halloween, so I learned from the best on the 3C's of marriage: Communication, Consideration, and Cooperation. 

  

I'm young and extremly ambitious so marriage is still a good ways off for me. I was raised in the south where the societal norm is to marry young. Which has held true for the majority of my family and graduating class, so I am really one the few black sheep of the bunch, and really that's something I take great pride in. I'm still working on me and reaching for what I want as an individual in life. I do want to get married some day but timing is everything.  

  

I know a lot of young women look at datting and marriage as a way to define themselves and that the word single is actually the obscene word. Just from personal observation over the last few years I've seen a lot of  girls jump into marriage head first from either a lack of confidence because they really dont know what else to do, or skewed family and life ideals or have a misconception on the idea and reality of marriage. What's sad is they usually end up divorced in a year or two. 

  

Peace! 

Tasha 

  

  

 
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October 11, 2005, 10:42 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: nwlywd2

I'm not just being cliche, you can still be happy in your marriage!  It's not too late, SERIOUSLY.  I don't think people should be giving up on their marriages so easily! I'm not saying it's easy to be so unhappy, but I'm saying that with a lot of work, attitudes and behaviors CAN change.  If you talk to your husband and he's not willing to be selfless and care about  your feelings, then yes, get out. 

  

But Kelly, don't leave.  You and your husband can definitely work through this. 

 I don't mean to sound disrespectful of what you have to offer in the way of advice but I must ask how long you have been married and how much experience you have in mentoring other married women? After being married for twenty-one years and having functioned as a mentor for new wives in my church's womens group I can honestly tell you that I wouldn't make a statement like you have made to this woman married for 32 years about not giving up on her marriage so quickly. Thirty-two years is hardly quickly! Indeed - it is anything but!!! 

  

You do not intend to come across as judgemental but be aware that to tell someone who has been married with the difficulties she has spoken of for 32 years, that with a lot of work her behaviors and attitudes can change is glib at best and at worst absolutely cruel! After 32 years of marriage it is very likely that she has more experience than either one of us will ever know about trying new behaviors and attitudes. I also suspect that if her marriage and every other marriage that is troubled could be fixed by adjusting only her attitudes and behaviors that there would be one heck of a lot less divorces in this country. The truth is that for a marriage to succeed you need to have two people committed to making it work and no matter how hard one person may try - one person alone cannot make a marriage work! Please be careful to remember that while looking through your rose colored glasses of being a newlywed that the world of marital problems cannot be so easily fixed! 

  

Congratulations on your apparent success in the wonderful new world of marriage. In another 10 or 15 years - if all goes generally forward in a healthy, happy and mutually respectful manner for both you and your husband - then is the time for considering to offer advice to someone in her situation - concrete specific advice on what has worked for your marriage for both you and your husband to keep that marriage a vital, living, growing relationship in which open communication, affection and respect are given and received by both partners. Until then may I suggest you pray for her? Whille your advice is given with care and good intentions - with the best possible hope for her success on your part - it is too delicate a matter and too complicated to solve with advice on adjusting her attitudes - no matter how well intended that advice was.    

 
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October 11, 2005, 10:44 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Marriage is a partnership.  If you want what's best for your spouse then you will get the best from your spouse.  My husband and I have been married for 10 years.   We have had a bad times and good... mostly good.  We truly respect and support each other.  We also attend marriage seminars through our church.  I don't know why married couples don't attend a "tune up" at least once a year.  We go to seminars for work, but we don't for our marriages?  I think we need to retrain our thinking and start signing up for marriage weekend encounters.  With work, children, busyness of life... we need to make our marriage a priority.  A bible study, weekend getaway, a date night, a walk around the block... something to remember why you got married.  Wasn't because she does the dishes and he sits on the couch. 

 
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October 11, 2005, 11:04 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Marriage is not "happily ever after" - that's called a fairy tale!!  My husband and I will celebrate our 23rd anniversary this Oct. 31st, and I can tell you it is due to God's grace and our committment to God and to each other that this event will take place.  Grant - get the log out of your own eye before trying to remove a little speck in Kelly's!!  You have an absolutely beautiful wife!!  Please cherish her!  I must agree with Robin McGraw when she told you that Kelly is God's gift (did you get that? GIFT) to you.  Receive her graciously ......... encourage her........... lift her up and let her know that she is an asset to you.  You would be surprised how some appreciation and real love offered to Kelly would benefit your whole household.  Men are commanded to "love their wives as Christ loves the church."  That would be sacrificially, unconditionally, and protectively.  A husband that loves like that would not tear her down, make her feel inadequate or not good enough.  Grant, you have some soul searching to do and I will pray that Kelly will be kind enough to allow you that time and hang in there!!  
 
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October 11, 2005, 11:08 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: amurphy

I have been dating my boyfriend for close to two years. We moved in together and alot changed. 

I didn't think he was one of those guys that expected the woman to cater to his every need until he said I should wake up at the crack of dawn to make him breakfast. He leaves at 6am to go to work. I work full time too outside the home, but I don't have to be at work until 9am. I like to stay up late and wake up when I need to to go to work. He's complaining about that and says I should go to bed early and make him breakfast in the morning, or I should wake up make him breakfast and go back to sleep! Well, needless to say, I did not do that and I still don't make him breakfast. Why doesn't he make me coffee and breakfast since he's up before me? He doesn't.  

Then he went on to say I would make a lousy mother because I can't take care of him and a wife is supposed to take care of her husband and If I can't take care of him how am I supposed to take care of a kid - all because I won't make him breakfast. Well, we don't have kids and should epect him to help. Anyhow, I saw a post about a husband who brings his wife flowers and gifts and how she surprises him sometimes by dressing up in high heels and meeting him at the door and how they respect eachother. Then it dawned on me. This is sad, very sad. But he never ever got me flowers, never a gift except for christmas, never a gift on Valentine's Day or my Birthday. Never a surprise anything. I have mentioned this too him and all he says is so. I realised I am not emotionally fulfilled. I don't feel like we even have a relationship. I cook and clean the house. All he does id complain about things not being done or done right and he doesn't lift a finger to help. I am starting to feel like his hired help. My resentment is showing in our relationship. I don't do nice things for him anymore - I have, but feel like I didn't get anything nice in return - ever. Because I don't wake up to make him breakfast, he has made me feel like I am not good enough and that I don't fit what he has in his mind that a woman/wife should be. So, that made me angry and hurt. (However, I have my own expectations of what a good husband is, and , at the moment he isn't filling it! ) He doesn't mention it anymore but I think somewhere deep down he won't marry me because of this - or thinks I would make a lousy wife. I also have a career. When I mention working late he says I should tell them I need to go home and cook my boyfriend dinner. Excuse me, do you think my boss would like that - Oh, I can't work late because I have to go home and cook dinner????  

When he met me I had a career, I am not going to change that to take care of him - especially because we don't have kids! It would be different if I was a stay at home mom with kids. I have bills to pay too and I need to work. I am confused. Is he just using me to clean his house and cook for him and trying to get whatever he can from me, or, is this just what he really thinks? 

Should I leave him or discuss my concerns with him? 

That's another thing, whenever I do talk about problems at work with co-workers or whatever, he says he is sick of hearing it and just forget about it or get a new job. When he asks how was work all he wants to hear is good or bad - no elaborate detail. 

I feel like we don't connect. There is no bond. I don't feel like his girlfriend. We don't go out anywhere. He never does anything special for me. He comes home from work and sleeps on the couch until the next day. He has a problem with the fact that I like to sleep in on the weekends and says I need a schedule. Well, he comes home, plops on the couch at 5pm and sleeps until 7am the next day!! No wonder he is up at 7am, he went to bed at 5pm the day before and he has the nerve to tell me I can't sleep in on weekends!!!!!!!! Then, he doesn't like it when I tell him this. He gets defensive. He can tell me what to do, but if I tell him what to do he gets an attitude. 

I had no idea he was like this until we moved in together. I guess that's a good thing - I didn't find out AFTER we got married at least. I still have time to change this. 

So, why am I writing you ask? 

I want to know if my expectations are too high of men, are all men like him? Alot of you sound like you have great relationships. I need advice. How do I know I found a great guy? What is a good boyfriend? Should I talk to him about how I am feeling (I think I have avoided this because he might say - just leave or something. I am not ready to handle that just yet - but close to it)? Do you think he can change? Should I invest time into this relationship and try to change him, or should I leave and start dating again? Is he trying to break it off with me maybe? He also critizes me in front of his family - like I can't fold pants or this or that - stupid things. He tells me how to work out at the gym (very annoying) but he won't go with me to the gym. I don't even remember the last time he said anything nice to me. 

So, are there good guys out there or am I asking for too much? 

Thanks, 

I need the advice. 

  

Do not settle for less!!  I repeat, DO NOT SETTLE FOR LESS!!  You deserve a man that will treat you like to most beautful, precious woman out there.  I know... I was in a bad relationship for 5 years, when I finally said enough is enough.  God was watching because I have the most incredible husband in the world.  After 10 years, I still feel like the most beautiful, wonderful, precious woman in the world.  How do you find the right guy?  I don't know.... I do know that no one should be treated disrespectfully and made to feel small.  If you are not feeling like a queen, then you need to move on...  Once you decide you want the best for you, you will get the best.  Say a prayer, you'd be surprise what answers you will get. 

  

 
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October 11, 2005, 11:13 pm PDT

Main theme of the Bible

Quote From: lilmama75

Guess what! Not everyone is a Christan. can we stop the almighty bible debate?  I will say this about the bible and be done....the main theme from the 10 Commandments, to Jesus' teachings were RESPECT FOR OTHERS!!!!! That is also the main teaching in EVERY religon out there. Why can't we agree to disagree... 

  

The main theme of the Bible & the Ten Commandments is written in Mark 12:28-31, when the scribes asked Jesus which was the greatest commandment, and He replied "The first of all the commandments is:  'Hear, O Israel, the Lord, our God, the Lord is ONE.  And you shall love the Lord, your God, with all your heart, with all your soul and with all your mind.' This is the first commandment.  And the second, like it, is this:  You shall love your neighbor as yourself,'There is no commandment greater than these."  The apostle Paul wrote very well of what this means, in I Corinthians 13:1-13  read and you'll see, but to sum it up:  If you don't have the Love of God, within you, for whatever it is you do and to whomever it is you do it, you have nothing...your efforts are essentially worthless, you do it for all the wrong reasons and the only reward for it is temporal. 

   BTW, Christians (or as many claim to be) are not perfect.  They're human, just like you.  We stumble and fall, we get mad and say the wrong things, we make stupid comments, mistakes and don't have everything it takes to be a "good Christian."  Many so-called Christian are just wearing the title, because they went to church when they were kids or because Christianity is the only faith they have been taught.  But, unfortunately, it's the non-practicing type who give us all a bad name.  Christ called us to "be like Him", which is impossible.  But He knew we'd fail, so He gives us the tools (which we can only find in studying His word and hangin' out with other believers) to be "a light in the darkness."  The only way to use those tools effectively is to rely on the Holy Spirit to help us understand. 

    Bible lesson or no.  This is what we're called to do.  We are not supposed to "keep it in church."  You don't have to read it.  GOD gave you your free will, because He loves you.  Love not given freely is not love, He hopes that you'll choose to love Him, if you do, life won't get easier, but He gives the strength to overcome it...and with the promise of "His peace that surpasses all understanding," and the promise of eternal life.  "There is no condemnation, for all who are in Christ." 

     Christianity is the only faith which teaches "no tolerance"...for evil.  Any "religion" which practices "ungodly" behavior and thinking is considered evil, according to the Bible.  Although many have commited unspeakable horrors in the name of Christianity, against intolerable practices, that's not what Christ desired.  We are simply to preach the Gospel (Good News) to an unbelieving world and then let them make their own decision, without excuse of ignorance. 

 
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October 11, 2005, 11:13 pm PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: chdsgrl

Hi, 

  

Only you know for sure what you want out of a husband, and how you want to be treated. 

  

I wish I had seen the signs when I was dating my first husband, because if I had, I probably wouldn't have married him, but maybe since I was young at the time I didn't think I deserved any better. 

  

I am obviously a huge proponent of taking care of your husband and your family, BUT, if there is not mutual respect and basic kindness, I don't know that I feel so inclined.  I do not think anybody should walk all over you, and I don't think you should let anybody do it, either.  If he is not nice to you, then why would you think you deserve that or that there aren't men out there who would treat you better? 

  

You cannot change somebody, that's a crock.  He is who he is and you are who you are.  You can express your concerns, but he wil do what he wants, or feels is right for him.  And all men ARE NOT like him. 

  

After I divorced my first husband, I had two small children and I resigned myself to the fact that I would never have the loving relationship I wanted.  My kids were so young, their dad was not involved with them, and I just figured I would be doing it on my own.  About two years after my divorce, I met my current husband who took us all in, treats my kids like his own, and sent me four dozen roses after our first date.  He sent me roses after that on a sunday just to wish me a happy sunday.  He romanced me, he respected me and he listened to me.  My husband is stubborn as all get out, but he knows the value of compromise and does so on a daily basis.  He treats me like a worthy human being.  He consults with me on decisions, he values my opinion and he thinks I am really smart.  He doesn't care if I do my hair or makeup, but if he did, I would do it because I want to make him happy.  I never thought I would find, and I never thought I deserved a man like him, but I did, and I do. 

  

Anyone who puts you down for your physical appearance or anything of the like is obviously insecure about his own self.  That's not your problem, it's his.  He needs to own that and take responsibility for it.  When I met my husband I was a size 3, and I have struggled to lose the weight after our baby was born.  He never mentions it.  He doesn't care.  He loves the inside.  He said I could shave off all my hair and knock out my teeth and he would still love me.  That's the kind of man you want and deserve. 

  

We haven't been without our problems, but we overcome them together.  We make the effort. 

  

As much as I believe in staying home (with kids) and taking care of the home, it's not solely your responsibility especially because you work and contribute in that way.  He can make his own breakfast, and he can make you breakfast, too. Then maybe you would be more willing to do it sometimes.  It's a give and take.  Not take, take, take. 

  

You have to make these kinds of decisions on your own because no matter what I or anybody else says, you live with the end result.  When thinking about your decision, just remember that you are a beautiful , intelligent woman and deserve the very best. 


I will be thinking of you. 

  

Diana - from the show 

 

Girl - you need some professional counseling!!!  My word - haven't you ever heard "why buy the cow when the milk is free?"  Your first major mistake was moving in together.  Sounds to me like you never expected him to marry you.  If what you say is REALLY what you want then I suggest you find yourself a nice little apartment some where and start finding out who YOU really are before you look for someone to share the rest of your life with.  You seem to really not know just what it is you really want.
 
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October 11, 2005, 11:28 pm PDT

Kelly - Emotional Abuse

While watching this show I kept waiting for Dr Phil to tell Grant her was abusing Kelly emotionally and verbally but I never heard it described other than criticisms.  Why?  It is abuse and Kelly's dead eyes and beatened down expression shows it.   Grant's words are worse than if he was hitting her.   

  

Kelly, you said you worried about your kids and them growing up to feel as if they are not good enough.  If you stay in this marriage that is exactly how they will feel.  Please use them as your spine and leave this travesty of a marriage or your kids will feel exactly as you do now.  Their spirits will be just as broken as yours is now.  Grant does not respect or value you for yourself, that was very apparent in how he did not "get" what Dr Phil and Robin tried to tell him about how he mistreats you.   

You and your children deserve better.  Please get out while you can and before your children are harmed any more than they already are.  Seeing their mother defeated and beatened down and made to feel worthless is showing them how relationships work and that is not the lesson you want them to learn.  I speak from experience and wish I had left a critical marriage before it damaged my daughter so much.  She will be in therapy a long time to overcome what she experienced because I was too broken to leave earlier in the marriage.  I will continue to pray for you and your children.  Please take care.   

 
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October 12, 2005, 12:18 am PDT

10/10 Wifestyles

Quote From: jettav

Wives are meant to love and to honor their husbands just as husbands are to love and to honor their wives. Husband, if you want respect then you must also respect your wives. I am a stay at home mom with a wonderful husband. We work together as a team because we love and appreciate each other. Yes, my hubby worksa paying job and I am home with the children, but parenting is a 24/7 job and there is absolutely no way the wife/mother can do all this on her own. Knowing that she has a husband who loves and respects her and has no problem reaching out and giving a hand does wonders for the wifes self esteem, it certainly boosts her ego and desire to be the best wife that she possibly can be. My husband is a hard worker and gets his breaks and outings but he also knows that he helped create our children and has the responsibiltiy to make sure that he does his part in taking care of his family. My children love their daddy and loves it when he walks in the door, They don't cry and fuss when mommy leaves all by herself cause they know their daddy loves then enough to play and spend time with them. They have a great bonding relatoinship and I believe it is becasue of the attitude that my husband has. We are helpmates and we are there for each other. Some husbands need to get off theri high horses and love and honor their wives and step up to the plate in helping with the home and kids. You might actually enjoy the bonding and positive attention that you get from your wife and even your children. Of course wives need not to hound their husbands and tell him often that she loves him, don't expect him to come straight home and to start working, let him have some time to relax and to get settled in. Marriage is about two people and both of them have an obligation to love, respect and honor the other. It isn't about who is suppose to do what and who gets the privelege of being boss, it is about being helpmates and being there for each other. It is my wifestyle to love and cherish my husband to encourage and build him up and in return I get the same, our marriage is not perfect but we have a strong foundation and that foundation is our Lord and our love for one another.
Amen sister, Amen!!
 
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