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Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:34:18 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Airdate: 10/10/05) What makes a good wife? Is it cooking, cleaning, raising the kids and having great sex? Dr. Phil says too few couples understand what it means to be a "Mrs." His first guest, Grant, says his wife, Kelly, is in desperate need of "wife lessons" when it comes to her cooking, cleaning and the way she dresses. Kelly says trying to be the perfect wife while raising three kids is overwhelming, and she fears she'll never be good enough. See what happens when she puts her hubby to the "wife test." Will he be able to do it all? Then, Diana says a good wife must serve her man instead of trying to balance a career and a family. Plus, a woman who thinks "wife" is a four-letter word! Join the discussion.

 

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October 12, 2005, 10:52 pm PDT

I totally agree!

Quote From: tcb2005

When Kathryn Hepburn was asked one time why she never married or had children her reply was that she could not have the career that she wanted and be able to be a devoted wife and mother. She had to make a choice and she chose her career. In a recent interview with George Clooney, he said that he loved children, which lead to the question as to why he has never settled down. His response was that raising children and being a husband was not something that you wanted to do half-assed. (please note that is a direct quote and not how I would say something)  

  

Diana from the show stated this same concept in so many words. I am in total agreement with Diana. I think her organization and her focus has enabled her to have the lifestyle that she has. I was really impressed with her having a routine and a menu for a year! (You go girl!)  

  

In today's world women have the concept that they can have it all. The career, the kids and the husband. I do not think that this is possible. I think that a woman has to make a choice about what she wants to do. You cannot work the hours in a career that it takes and expect to have enough time to come home cook, clean and spend time with your children. Sure the husband can step up to the plate and maybe cook some nights and clean and so on, I am not discounting that. You can also hire someone to clean your house and even a nanny. This does not replace the time that is absent from the lives of your family.  

  

I know that there are women that have to work in order to support their famalies, what I am saying in my comments does not apply to these women. I am talking about the ones that do have the choice. 

  

I was fortunate to be raised by a stay at home mom and my dad being the pastor of the church was not far away either. My mom took care of us and the home most of the time. However, my dad was there to help out with the daily chores and did not mind doing so at all. It was a great balance and he appreciated everything that my mother did for him, his daughters and the church as she also worked with the choir, Sunday School and Vacation Bible School. Her house was always in order and we always had a hot meal that we ate together as a family. This took sacrafice and having to live without certain things, however I think that in the end it was worth the time that we got to spend together as a family and not in front of the TV or a Playstation.  

  

I agree that it is extremely difficult to work hours outside the home then devote the time and attention that children and a whole household need.  As Diana said, (not direct quote), you're spreading yourself too thin to try to handle career and family. 

  

Before I became a stay-home mom 3 years ago, I too worked outside the home when my first child was born and it was EXTREMELY DIFFICULT commuting to/from work, picking up/dropping off at babysitter, putting in the long hours at work, then coming home and trying to give my son all the attention he needed.  It was a constant battle because I felt I didn't even "know" my son and he didn't  "know" us!  We were literally only with him for 2 hours each evening before he had to go to bed -- and this doesn't even mention trying to keep the house clean and order.  I thankfully am now a stay-home mom after my second child was born. 

  

My husband works in a tough job and often works long hours.  He comes home very tired but that doesn't stop him from contributing to the kids'/family's needs.  He regularly pitches in with things all around the house and with the kids and even takes over all the cooking on the weekends!  Just like my parents did when I was growing up.  My husband has even told me several times that even though we've had to re-budget with one less income, it is a relief to him to have me at home because he knows the kids are safe and things at home are being taken care of and that is one less thing for him to have worry about and a small price to pay for such an important matter. 

  

I also fully understand that some women/men just can't have one parent stay home but if someone has a choice I think it is an important and worthwhile one to make. 

  

Now if only I could get myself to be as organized as Diana, that would be a bonus!! 

  

(See also other message I posted earlier) 

  

 
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October 12, 2005, 10:56 pm PDT

A Show that hit TOTALLY home....

 After being a HUGE Dr. Phil fan, and being brought to tears quite frequently by his shows...this show totally hit home with me.

I'm 35, mother of two, (boys 6 and 8...turning 7 and 9 in the next month)...been with my husband 10 years.

The show topic is my most major complaint in my marriage. But goes deeper. My husband constantly corrects me and critisizes me....and worse...doesn't back me up when it comes to disciplining our kids. I made a few mistakes when my first born was a baby...and he uses those mistakes against me to this day. I know I will never be what he wants me to be, we disagree on most everything, and I constantly do it his way...just to get along.
And knowing he doesn't like Dr. Phil, I have not much hope for my future.

What brought me to tears in the show...is when Dr. Phil said something about knowing there could be 10,000 women in the same room...and knowing that not one of them was as happy/well treated (can't remember exact statement) as his wife.....I saw Robin tear up...and that was it. God she's a QUEEN...and she has her KING!!

It really DOES matter what happens behind closed doors. None of my girlfriends, neighbors would ever believe the things my husband says to me behind closed doors. He is the most kindest, generous, loving, friendly, personable person to EVERYONE.....but behind closed doors...he's a different person. He's critical, obnoxious, finger-pointing, and accusing.

Like Dr. Phil says...its' what happens behind closed doors that matters.

It can make or break your happiness.
 
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October 12, 2005, 11:14 pm PDT

What I think Makes a Good Wife

My idea of a good wife is one who has a sense of humor, is witty, fun, and spunky.  One who takes care of her body to keep it fit, shapely and trim.  All the things you hear when people get married, "Love is kind, patient, does not boast, etc.," that is what makes a good wife.  And a good husband for that matter. 

  

When growing up, my mom was a SAHM, and she sat on the couch drinking booze and crying all day long, collecting food stamps.  She was negative and selfish, abusive and self-absorbed.  My best friend's mom was patient, kind, always had a book in her lap, and worked full-time outside of the house along with her husband.  They took us on camping trips, and we always hung out at his house.  She was intelligent and articulate.  She made meals, and taught her children the value of hard work, learning and being open minded enough to hear and try to understand another's point of view, and she was just a lot of fun.  Always a twinkle in her eye. 

  

I personally don't feel staying at home full-time is the only way to parent.  My sister-in-law is the most outstanding wife I can think of.  She and her husband own a business -- he's a dentist -- and she is the Office Manager and Accountant.  She is very bright, but doesn't boast and blow her own horn.  She is constantly talkin her husband up, and doing all she can to help him feel good about himself and be the best he can be.  She has accepted him "warts and all," and they are best friends.  She is quite ambitious, and is always busy earning money for the family somehow.  She sells cosmetics and creams, paints Christian art that has warranted shows locally, and she is very frugal & wise with their money.  She is a great listener, and is able to understand another's point of view even when it isn't particularly her point of view.  She's helped my brother be all he can be.  And she's a great mom, too.  She is firm and a strict disciplinarian, but she's kind enough with her kids that they are turning out fabulous.  Her mom is always in their house (popping in when not home or when home) and cleaning for them.  Bringing in bowls of fruit and arranging them on their table with daisies in them, going to the kids' games.  Completely selfless.   

  

In Sleepless in Seattle, when the widower is describing his wife, he said, "She made everything beautiful."  And her ghost or memory came and sat by him on the couch or whatever, and she was beautiful with no makeup in a plain old housedress.  A good wife would ideally be beautiful in jeans and a t-shirt with no makeup at all.  My sister-in-law got married in no makeup at all and was beautiful. 

  

Some of these women worked and some stayed home (my sister-in-law's mom was a SAHM).  But the examples of good wives I've given here are not all SAHM's.  My sister-in-law isn't, and she's the best example I can imagine of a good wife. 

 
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October 12, 2005, 11:23 pm PDT

This guy is a Jerk and a Creep!

This jerk of a husband epitomizes what not to be.  Mean or sick--one or the other.  Totally into himself.  God help him.   (Sadly, my daughter-in-law is a female Taz much like him.)  So destructive; so very, very sad to believe there are people out there like them.  Reminded me of that "Control Freak" Rochelle (or whatever her name was, way back on the program...who put my DIL in second place, after I saw her!)  Only shows there's some stiff competition out there for selfish, self-centered idiots!     

 
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October 12, 2005, 11:25 pm PDT

I Like What You Said

Quote From: nikann11

  I think that the mind set that we are seeing here from men is the last effects of the womens rights act.  I am 27 and I know that my husbands mother waited on her husbands and sons like a maid.  She only had 4 boys.  Even to this day when we go visit my husbands family, his mom makes all the meals, does all the cleaning and when everyone is done eating - they plop down in front of the TV while she does all the dishes and all with her make-up done and her high heels on.   The husbands wives however are all expected to help with the cleaning and the cooking.  I refuse to bend on this one, so I get all the dirty looks and whispering because I clean my own plate, then go plop down in front of the TV with the guys.  This generation of men are grown up and expecting the same things.  Hopefully, we can raise our children to all be on a level playing field and finally break free from the past.  I am willing to bet that any man that has these expectations had a mother like this one. 

  

Ya, a stay at home wife has responsiblities to raise her kids in a clean house.  I don't mean immaculate for the husband - I mean clean of bacteria, any choking hazard, mold and so on.  A CLEAN HOUSE.  However, a wife should not ever have to run her house according to her husbands expectations.  My husband had to really let go of the roles he learning growing up.  He now realizes that his way isn't always the only way, and to fight with me and put me down over my hair not being done and the sink not shining is knit picking and hurtful to me.   

That is a great post.  I couldn't agree more.
 
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October 12, 2005, 11:27 pm PDT

I Agree Totally

Quote From: shyhappy

 All I was saying is that duties can be divided up according to what  works for any two people.  We need not be tied to traditional gender roles. For some couples the tradtional division of labour (women doing domestic duties, while men work outside the home) may be what works best- and for them- that's great.

Then I made reference to the specific guest who said wives SHOULD behave as she does. . .I think no one has the right to say what others SHOULD do. 

Because you asked, in my relationship, we have been taking turns:  one of us working, the other in graduate school, and because we both hate cleaning- we have a cleaning person come in every 2 weeks to do the hard stuff. We keep renegotiating the duties, as our lives continue to evolve.

To decree the proper duties of a wife is just nonsense- each wife is different and each relationship is different.
I agree that no one has the right to say what others SHOULD do.
 
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October 12, 2005, 11:58 pm PDT

You Don't Have a Handle on it

Quote From: chdsgrl

I have a handle on it.  I think people should put their kids first. 

  

That's wrong? 

Putting kids first is right.  And putting kids first means doing whatever works in your household to give them a happy, fulfilled mom and dad.  Sharing and dividing work in the home and out of the home in a way that puts the kids first doesn't necessarily mean mom stays home all the time and dad works outside of the house all the time.   

  

People have posted for days on end now supplying you with many examples of households that don't run identically to yours that are doing an awesome job of putting their kids first.  If you really had a handle on putting kids first, you'd understand that we don't live in a cookie cutter world. 

  

For some women, putting kids first means working outside of the home.  There's a balance to life, and I've known SAHM's that have been very poor examples of motherhood and working moms who have been splendid examples of wives and mothers. 

  

Although I and my kids would thrive with me being a SAHM, other families would thrive with the mom being a working mom.  If you will read and really think about the many examples of great "putting kids first" households that aren't SAHM households, you can hopefully get a handle on the wonderful way God has allowed us to use our head to arrange a tailor-made kids-first home. 

  

If the mom cannot be a good SAHM candidate for whatever reason, and she has a super arrangement with the father, her mom or his mom or a nanny that is like a grandmother, that is a wonderful and equally good way of putting kids first. 

  

It's just not a cookie cutter world, and not everyone is made the same or wired the same or has the same circumstance.  Without walking a mile in someone else's shoes, it is narrowminded to judge them or decide for them what they should be doing.  Respect means allowing other families to arrive at their own decisions about how best to put their kids first.  They will be able to sort it out and create a great home for their family without you or anyone else telling them that it's your way or the highway. 

 
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October 13, 2005, 2:59 am PDT

Marriage is a Partnership

From someone who has been married 16 years, I have earned the right to say that many marriages dissolve because people are SELFISH. They think that being independent means viewing the spouse as an adversary. They put themselves before others (not exactly a Christian ideal). They put themselves before the needs of their children. They don't take the time to work together as a team, a partnership. Marriage has its ups and downs, its good days and its not-so-good days. That's called LIFE. I wake up every morning beside a wonderful, supportive and family-oriented man. Together we work to make our family of four strong and healthy. We don't sweat the small stuff (yes, I clean the toilets more than he does....big deal.....he also hears more nagging than I do....big deal again). My husband's advice to all male friends and family members about to be married....."If she's happy, you'll be happy." And that is the same advise I would give women. WORK AS A TEAM AND DON'T BE SELFISH. If you do, you won't be one of the 57% of marriages ending in divorce. Marriage is NOT a competition. It's a partnership God created and wants honored. For the woman who complained about Adam's Rib. I am PROUD to have been created that way. Ever see a man in no pain as he wanted around without ribs???? 

 

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October 13, 2005, 5:05 am PDT

A strategy

Quote From: chdsgrl

My son is 7 now, so I don't know if back then it was different.  I developed pregnancy induced Tachycardia and my blood pressure sky-rocketed in my last term.  I saw a cardiologist, and wore a holter (sp?) monitor, and my resting heart rate (at the highest) was 156 beats a minute.  Anyway, I think I may have been developing pre-eclampsia too, but he was brn a little early so they didn't diagnose me with that.  When I delivered, I nursed him for the first week and then the Dr. put me on atenolol and said I couldn't nurse.  When I stopped taking it and realized I couldn't get my milk back, I cried...that was so sad.  But, I just did what they told me to do.

I don't mean this to be critical, Diana, I was just surprised at this post and thought I would share a strategy that worked for me.  I have crohn's disease and when I was nursing and needed to take a drug that would affect my milk, I put my baby on formula and I pumped breast milk on the same schedule as I had been nursing. Pumping and dumping was a hardship, especially in the night, but when I was able to stop taking the meds and they cleared my system and I could nurse again, my milk supply was there. 

 
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October 13, 2005, 6:34 am PDT

WOW

I just wanted to add my 2 cents.  When i saw this topic - I wished I watched the show.  Not for the bashing of the husband for not doing anything extra around the house or the degrading of the wife but to see or get ideas of being a better wife and mother.  When we first got married almost 9 yrs ago we were both working full time.  My husband started a new career with our local sheriff office.  He had worked nights and I worked durning the day.  It was nice to come home to him cooking meals atleast 4 nights a week and the laundry done (expect folded) and house clean.  It was just the two of us till 3 yrs later when I got preg with our first child.  Durning the preg. we decided that it would be best that I would stay home and take care of the children and the house while he worked till the last one was in school and I would get a part time job while they were in school. He also agrees that once I do start working out of the home then he will be willing to help out more around the house.   But things do change with everyday events.  My husband was in a major accident at work.  A drunk driver pulled out infront of his patrol car and stopped.  I now had a husband who was in the hospital for over 3 months, broken leg, broken ankle, broken arm, muscle graph and skin graphs with 22 blood transfussions and 17 surgeries.  I now had to take on a new role of mommy who had to be there for my son and husband in every way.  I was the one that helped him with everything in the hospital as well as my son.  I actually had to let my son stay with my parents for a couple of weeks at night and I had him durning the day to visit with my husband in the hopsital.  It took my husband a yr to walk again with everyday going to a doctor and every other thing that comes with it as well as taking care of a newborn.  I did end up have my second child a yr or so after the accident.  Thank God my husband wanted to be a good daddy and husband and insisted to go to work. He did get a job that he was able to do but not his career choice.  I became preg with my third child and now 3 yrs later he has finally found a job that he would like for a career and will be able to grow with the company.  I told him where ever you want to go I will be willing to travel so you can be happy with your job.  He is in a lot of pain every day and we know that will never go away.  I am still a stay at home mom with a 6, 5 and 3 yr children.  I take care of the house, the children, school homework, house work (the whole thing from driving kids to school to going food shopping and dishes and laundry).  My husband does come home from working in such pain that he needs to sit with his leg up.  He has done so much "house" work (painting, replacing the floors, cabinets in kitchens/baths and other great upgrades that he has done as well as maintains the house) He does play with the kids, helps with reading, helps me in the mornings to get the kids dressed.  I will not nag my husband cause he didn't take the trash out or the house still isnt fully painted yet.  I am more than willing to bring my husband his meal in his chair if he wants.  My husband has told me before he would never change places with me cause he knows how much I have to deal/ go through everyday.  I wanted to know more about what other moms/ wives are doing to become "good" wives.  Besides house work and putting on make-up.  I am a firm believer that not everybody can really clean a house daily wearing nice stuff and not get bleach or anyother chemicals on their clothes.  I can understand changing before he gets home (if it is a set time every day).  I am not that organized of a wife.  I can tell you where everything is but dont ask my husband. lol  I know that for me besides doing the normal everyday stuff of cleaning the house, making dinner - what else do everyone else do to make their husbands happy?  (and not the evening fun time either - i have that figured out already)  Do you make plans for dinner at a resturant he likes? Do you get a babysitter to watch the kids so you can take him to a movie he really wants to see - but you dont?  I just want to know what things you do to make him happy?  Any  thoughts, ideas, comments would be great. SAHM of 3 children and a loving husband.
 
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