Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Well said!!  I really didn't feel as much irritation with the husband as a lot of people did.  I felt that he was well-intentioned, that he just didn't have  the skills to thoughtfully communicate with his wife. (things did look like she could use some organizational skills). This would have been a PERFECT opprtunity for her to enlist his help in getting things in order rather than be so touchy. Most of the time, if we would stop butting heads and being terretorial about issues and worked together with each other's strengths, families could really pull together. If he is detail oriented and willing to get things set up - WOW what a gift.!!! That would free her to be a little more relaxed and pressured. We are always hearing about the "baggage" each brings to the marriage, well, how about emphasizing the strengths and talents that each brings to the marriage. BE the best  we can possibly be.  

Dr. Phil, help him know how to offer his help in a non-critical manner 

If 2 out of 3 marriages are ending - there is something wrong.  What other evidence is required to prove that women need to prepare. Pray we are in the 1/3 that won't get divorced?  

  

Options:  

  

 - Part time progressive work, not 8 hours a day - but relevant would help.  

- On-line training with an established program - you don't have to leave home and it's current.  

- Seek Certification in a field - do evening courses.  

- Get a kind relative to help with childcare or a grandmom if she wants to. Not everything involves daycares and strangers. 

- Work as a Virtual Assistant from home - this is very popular and pays well.  Do internet search for details - pays is usually $25 - $50 per hour depending on duties.  

-  If possible, get live-in help from a reliable source/agency. Most of the cost is covered by free room and board (spare room in clean basement).    

- Get into Real Estate - work flexible hours and gain good business skills. Many women end up earning substantial amounts if they are successful. Note: this is all commission based. 

- Teach English as a Second Language to newcomers or foreign students part time. Get certified. Pays well. 

  

There are many other options that are progressive and don't compromise having a family. Be creative and look into it. Especially once the kids are at school full time. There's lots out there and can help you.    

  

Not all of our skills and potential future jobs have to be homemaker-based. Become proficient and look into new options.  Print yourself some business cards and give it a try.  

  

Thank you for your post. You do understand where I am coming form.  I am not selling myself as someone who is perfect, or who knows the way everything should be done.  I have lots of room to improve, but I am honest to goodness doing my best.  I think it is the whole concept of what someone's best really is that has my husband and I debating. I love being a mom, and I welcome the chaotic nature of three little ones.  But, it is when I feel like you did, when you were babysitting and exhausted, that it makes it very difficult to hear that I am lacking in other areas. People say " Oh it gets easier as they grow up"  referring to the physical drain of little-little ones, but the thought of them growing up and not being little makes me sad.  I think that I would miss my chaotic life. I appreciate your post and understanding!!  Kelly

Hi Dr. Phil, 

  

I was watching your show about Wifestyles, and I must say that Kelly acted like she never really got to get her point across. Everytime she was on screen she looked like she did not want to be there and that she was going to cry. Actually to me it looked like she was terrified of what her husband was going to do or react to her when the show was over. 

  

Kelly looked like a bright beautiful young woman who was just so miserable. Almost like she was just going through the routine of her life and had no say so as to how she felt. Her husband seemed to be so focused on her faults that I don't think he would even consider that he was wrong, and that maybe it is him who needs to change. 

  

Dr. Phil, I hope Kelly is strong enough to face her husband and stand up to him and let him know there are thousands of good men who would love to have a wife like her. I feel so badly for her and I am also a little afraid that her husband may be a little abusive to her. She looked like a deer who's eyes where caught in headlights, and she was terrified to speak her mind. 

  

Kelly needs to know that she can have any man she wanted and if her husband does not respect her and love her for who she is, she needs to kick him to the curb. This is an opinion from a woman who has been with her husband for 23yrs, and I would never allow my husband to treat me ny less then an equal. 

  

I believe if you do not set down the boundries of your marriage right from the beginning, there will always be trouble. Kelly allowed her husband to treat her like this for to long, now she either has to have him re-programmed, or put her demands down and leave the decision to him, either he takes what he gets, or he gets out. Btw the way Dr. Phil, I love your show ~smiles~. 

  

Sincerely, 

Cathy from Michgan 

Mommybeth: 

  

As you stated that half the things we prepare for don't happen then I suggest we all stop going to the doctor for checkups as half of us wont' get cancer.  Why get yearly tests done when half of us won't get a critical illness? We want to know if we can do anything preventative to avoid an illness. We go "in case' we are in the half that gets ill though we don't know it.  

  

Don't we urge our kids to do well in school? Why - so they can have options later. Medical school, law school etc. Do we say: "Don't encourage your kids to do well now - what if they never get into med school- all that studying is a waste of time now in case they don't get in". - NO!  We still get them to try their best.  Why start a college fund now and make efforts to put money aside if there's a chance that the child won't get into college?   

  

We prepare and hope for the best.  We tell our kids to strive and do well. We hope they don't drop out of school etc and they might. They may not do well in their last year.  But we prepare by encouraging studying, learning, participation and aiming for good grades for years. They may or may not get into college.  

  

We don't cease to be well rounded people due to childcare demands. It's also interesting to note that there is plenty of information from mental health professionals who say a lot of psychological trauma in adults are caused by negative mother-child relationships - or rather the negative influence of a mother (SAHW or otherwise) in a child's development.  This is a root cause of a lot of problems - but that is another subject.  

  

Let's not all assume that all mothers out there are loving and giving - many have severe problems of their own. SAHW may or may not have a positive affect on children. It depends on the woman and her approach and not by virtue of that fact that she did not go out to work and somehow automatically results in a happy childhood for her kids.  

  

There are plenty of working women with healthy, happy kids. In fact, one woman that I know is paying for private school tuition for her daughter to get a first rate education. Unaffordable otherwise.  This is extremely important to her.  

  

No woman who got married thought she would be alone. 2 out of 3 are. What is wrong in preparing? We owe it to ourselves and our kids. 

  

For those who say "it may never happen" please speak to the 2 out of 3 that it did happened to and ask them how happy they are in their low paying jobs and basement apartments.  

  

I appreciate the posts that so many people have gone through the effort to make. 

I am looking forward to taking much needed time this weekend to re-watch the 

show. I watched the show on Monday, and was very uncomfortable watching parts 

of it. I have put off watching it by myself for this weekend, when I can rewind and go over 

important parts at get at what Dr. Phil wanted to point out. Watching the show this weekend 

will be enhanced after having read over all the constructive post messages you have left. 

I'll have more to say next week after I make some notes and think about the show. This 

experience has been such a whirlwind that reacting to all of this has consumed a lot of the 

time I would like to have had for thinking about things. I know some of you will understand. 

Thank you, 

Grant. 

I don't have a clue what it would be like to do what you do.  To have three preschoolers to care for full time on your own with a critical husband grading the cooking at the end of the day.  I frankly think I'd be starkers :)  I only had the "three preschooler experience" for a couple of days and there were two of us working together.  I had my two children more than five years apart so my life has always been very calm in that regard-it really isn't any strain at all when the children are spaced like that. 

  

I just noticed people suggesting that you should organize things better and I thought that was unfair to you.  They clearly have never been in that situation at all.   

  

I do think that having a weekend to rest up while someone organized your stuff for you would have probably given you a huge boost and if I was Phil you would be on a beach and that would be being done for you.   

2 out of 3 marriages end in divorce- yes this boring statistic again. Yet there are so many women on this board who don't seem at all concerned:  

  

- If 2 out of 3 children were abducted on the street you live, would you not take extra care with your child? 

- If 2 out of 3 people became deathly ill from eating a certain food, would you ensure you didn't eat it? 

- If 2 out of 3 people lost all their money in a certain bank, would you ensure you didn't bank there? 

- If 2 out of 3 women were attacked near a certain park, would you ensure to avoid that place? 

- If 2 out of 3 women ended up in financial and social dire straits due to divorce,  would you ensure that all measures would be taken to avoid being that situation? 

  

To some the answer is "no" as they are almost certain that it won't be their child who gets abducted, and they won't get ill and they won't lose their money nor get attacked or lose their husbands.  

  

They of course - all of them - are the 1 out of 3.  Don't worry because it may never happen.  

  

Their child can walk freely - they'll be the 1 in 3 that won't get abducted. They'll continue to bank there as they're the 1 in 3 who won't lose their money, they'll walk by the park coz they won't be the one attacked.  That's great! Don't waste your money on insurance either coz you'll be the 1 in 3 that won't need it. 

  

And if you do - well there's the creek and there's no paddle - but the attitude is "we'll worry about it then coz it may never happen" - it's amazing the care we take in all other areas in life - but when it comes to the issue of women - thought and preparation goes right out the window.  

  

Last time I checked 2 out 3 meant the majority.  

I went to college worked a few jobs and then I was  a SAHM for over 7 years.  Want to hear something funny, I can type faster now, and don't have to look at the letters!  (Thanks to the Dr. Phil web site/posting)  LOL  I work as a medical assistant which involves typing as well as assisting the doctor.  I also have programs on my computer that I have learned.  I volunteer at the school as well.  I don't feel I am losing my skills.  Like Diana said it is only until the kids are in school (or longer if you like) for me it was 7 years. Right now my car is falling apart ( well not quite) but that is ok because it was more important for me to stay at home and look after my children then to drive a fancy car, my car will come in a few years now that all the kids are in school.   My kids came home every day after school to an open door.  It is better for the kids in many ways.  I totally understand if you can't do it, my oldest son was born when I was 15 - I missed one day of school and after I graduated went right to college, (staying at home wasnt' an option)  I am not going to look at you diffferent or not be your friend b/c you work, and I don't think Diana would either.  Yes I will admit I was scared I wasn't going to find a job when I decided to go back to work, but I did and it only took a couple resumes.  Now in January I am going to a new job that pays even better.  It is all going to work out in the end.  And back a few years ago if my husband would of died or left me, I would of put my kids in daycare and got a job anywhere.  McDonalds pays $8.50 an hour here in Canada, and I would qualify for subsidy on the childcare.  I could of done it on my own.  Another option would be to move, find something that is cheaper.  You do what you gotta do. 

First of all - I know it is hard to look at the name the right way but it is Yandot.(no biggie)  Second - Mc Donalds does pay more than minimum wage (not by much but it will work).  And if I needed a job in a hurry I would be able to apply there.  And then get a better job from there. Thrid - any person who is willing  to work at a job that is putting food on the table, water in the pipes and a roof over their kids heads and not collecting a wealfare check while sitting on their butts is a much better person.  It seems to me that you since you were in a situation that you want everyone else to be prepared incase it happens to them.  That is great if the wife can tuck money away with out the husband missing it but wouldnt that be saying not being truthful, lying and setting yourself up to fail in that marriage?  Just wondering.  Sorry that you had a bad marriage and an awful husband.  I do wish that you will be able to find someone who will treat you much better.  Until then I hope that you will be able to keep smiling and realizing that everyone will have to live their own life and mistakes.  In finding a better life after a marriage ends then you never had a better life before or even durning that marriage.  Only you can be happy in any situation that you yourself gets into.  The entry level / low paying job is better then no job and any child who sees that the parent is trying their best to do what they need to do and how they can do it.  I do hope and pray that everyone can be happy in any situation they fall into.  Try to always look at a glass atleast half full before thinking it is empty.  

  

Oh and just a side note - in my shoes - I have 2 children that have medical problems and thank God my youngest hasnt developed anything yet.  You never know the other "stress" inside someones home and life.  It is better for me to stay home then work and get fired cause my children are in the hospital with this or that.