Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

I just wanted to add a side note to working.  Most employers will hire to train you (exception for degree only jobs - doctor etc)  They would rather have you learn their system so you wont have an already "way of doing it" from another company.  Next I would like to say that they, employers, would rather hire just from high school type of kids with little education experience so they dont have to pay them more money then someone with a degree or longer work experience.  That will even go for a SAHM/W that is getting back into the work force.   

  

My mother in law left her husband when her youngerest was 9 months old.  Moved from NY to FL where most of her family lived.  She lived in a good neighborhood, her 3 children had what they needed, she was able to go to school and get an archictual degree from the local vocational school.  Now that was almost 25 yrs ago.  Since then she has been in several jobs from being home with foster kids - which she adopted 3 of them, worked in the school cafeteria so she could be home with the kids after school, she worked for a telecommunication company (this company didnt call you - you called them) and she was an administraivative assistance at her last job.  She just found a new job cause of the cut back of hours cause she was the last hired.  She will be making plenty of money working for a dentist office at the front desk.  She has a car payment, cell phone instead of house phone, she has cable (as well as a library of movies), lot rent, mortgage, eletric bill and so forth.  She has 2 kids home with her now that are under the age of 18.  She is doing it and she didnt go to her daddy.  Actually - her parents moved in with her so my husband and his sisters could help take care of them - which they did eventually pass on not long after they moved in.  So not only did she have herself, 3 kids, but now 2 parents that she herself took care of.  Instead of getting into a "pity" party with how bad your life is and how terrible your marriage was and that he left you for another person, or even worse he dies - you still need to continue to live.   

  

My husband while I was 8months preg with my third child went to the hospital for a possible infection in the wound site where they transferred mucsle from his stomach to his shin of the leg - he ended up at 4 am being rushed to another hosptial cause he was having a heart attack.  He was 26 yr old at the time.  After the cardiologist did the test on him and saw his pipes were clean but couldnt explain why his heart and the mucsle around it was so inflammed.  I was told that they would put him on a heart transplant list and hope for the best.  That he would be pushed up to the top of the list cause of his age and other than good health conditions.  I was floored.  Here for the 2nd time I was going to lose my husband.  Thank God - it was just a simple illness from my son that he was affected this way and was easlily treated.  I was all prepared to figure out what I would do.  And I have in my head have done it from the first time.  So I do get what you are saying. 

  

Like I said you never know what will happen and I truely understand your point for getting an education or refreshing up your skills so incase that husband dies or leaves you - you can still move on with your life.  Like I said before - I wanted to watch the show to see what other women are doing to make their homes more enjoyable and what they do to make their husbands happy.  Weither it is make up when he comes home or dinner on the table (which should be a given - dinner at my house is at 5:30 and if you come home before that it wont cook any faster), or letting him have a football party at the house with his male buddies for bonding, or have him spend time with the kids for that quality time. Going fishing or hunting.  And still but a couple have actually answered those questions.  Most men - including mine would like COMMUNICATION to be at the top of the list of a good wife.  And honestly sex is going to be second (if not first with some men).  Trust, respect, loving, caring are all other characteristics that a wife can have.  But if you want a marriage to work you have to have a good foundation (God or your choice of religion).  You have to be able to communicate with each other.  It is not about who took the trash out or how stays home and cooks cleans.  It is about you and your spouse.  If you have a marriage that allows you to stay home with the kids great - if you have to work to get by - great.  But you still need to open up and say hey - you said that and it hurt me.  I feel unappreciated when you say that or do this.  You keep it bottled up you will get nowhere but a divorce.  And there is something you are doing that is going to cause your man to walk away from a marriage - nagging all the time, lack of communication, no or less sex, or you just completely married the wrong guy and you had signs before you even married him.  Again - sorry that your relationship with yours didnt work out.  I am sure that everyone who has read this board will have that in the back of their mind that what if this happens to me.  I know our friends have been more aware of what happened to us that they make sure they have life insurance or other things aside for a possible death for either one of them.  I just think that the thing that is coming across the strongest from you is you should be prepared when your hubby leaves you more then the death of a spouse.   

  

I am going to stop.  I just hope and pray that everyone will be safe, loving, caring, giving, understanding and good luck.   

  

This is your life are you who you want to be? That is from a chrisitan song - and I really enjoy it.  It is a good message and when I hear it - I say no cause I would like to be more smiles than frawns, more at looking at the postivie side of things then at the negitive.  Career wise - I wanted to be an neo-natal respiraltoy therapist who would fly on the life flight helicopter helping newborns.  Now I enjoy taking care of my own children.  Please enjoy life. 

OK, here goes.  I saw your clip on the Dr. Phil show and had to comment.  I am a Christian wife, mother and woman and part of me is having trouble saying what I want to say.  I appreciate your obvious passion for what you do in your house.  However, I think deep down you must feel devalued in some way or you wouldn't be so quick to tell everyone how to do everything.  I also think you "run your house" for your own self worth because you are lacking it elsewhere.  I do believe doing what you do is great BUT not for everyone- even other SAHM's.  Personally, my hubby would be bored to tears eventually if I were like you.  Not to mention looks like you need a little work in the weight department.  Apparently, that has nothing to do with being the Perfect Wife.  Next, your daycare issues are really off base.  FYI, both my boys were in daycare from an early age.  My 2nd grader reades Harry Potter and does 4th grade made and is one of the most popular kids at his school- classmates and staff alike.  Anyhow, the Christian/Biblical aspect I would suggest everyone on this post read Proverbs 31- The Wife of Noble Character.  Also, I'm sure you've done all the research in your free time about daycare and such.  Do you realize that modern daycare is not that far off from what has always been? People caring for others children (for whatever reason) has been around since the beginning of time.  Whether it's family, friends or whoever, it's been there.  It's just been modernized at this point.  My reasons for working are simple- we need the money.  Those we say we "overspend" are welcome to see for themselves.  We drive used cars, we don't have any credit cards or debt, own a small townhome where the mortgage is equal to or less than rent in most areas.  I shop al Wal Mart weekly, we don't eat out all that much (maybe 2x a week), we don't have boats and jet skis, I don't get manicures and facials, and there are always things we can't afford "this month".  Yet, I work to keep my children's health, dental and vision insurance.  I have a pension and 401K and I put money away each week for Christmas and Savings.  My oldest is able to play soccer and do Cub Scouts.  The bulk of my hubby's check goes to the mortgage and food.  Unfortunately, we need more than that and so do my kids.  We both take time off work to be with them, whatever it may be.  My hubby in  fact lost a promotion because of this.  But you know what?  That's OK.  He's not working 60+ hours a week so he knows his kids, too and he's not afraid to chip in around the house.  So many SAHM's are jealous of what we have and what he does as their hubbys dont' do this.  I have to remind them I have always worked and somehow they get quiet.  I am just so grateful that my hubby doesn't put my value as a wife upon shiny sinks and A+ meals.  Maybe the hard times we've been through make it easier to appreciate what we have.  I just hope you see what you do/say and how you say it comes off arrogant, nasty and downright mean.  What an example for your kids!  "To each his own" is my motto.  What works for you is fine, it may not work for me or others. 

Diana, 

  

Your response to Judy Blue "it's important to stay at home instead of worrying if the marriage ends"  - is highly irresponsible.  

  

Hello - reality check time: If the divorce rate was 5 in 100 women - I would agree.  

  

But it's more like 60 in 100.  It's because many of the women in the 60-group thought like you that their kids are the ones suffering now.   

  

A woman can improve her work skills by staying current - she owes it to her kids as much as giving them hugs.  Why does doing one exclude the other? Current means bankable and relevant. It means being competive.  I know this sounds harsh but 60% - come on! 

  

The impoverished single mothers out there (yes all several million of them and their several million more children) may have thought like you and that is why they may be in their current predicament.  

  

If women don't want to do it for themselves then they must do it for their kids. Go check the statistics again on divorce and female poverty. That's the reality. Many in the 60% group may have chosen to stay-at-home - explain that to the kids when the heat gets turned off due to lack of payment.   

  

I didn't make up the stats - they exist and are getting worse. Rate for second marriage failure is even higher.  What further evidence is required?  60% and counting.  

Yandot, 

  

When employers say "they will train" that usually means low paying. They don't want to pay higher salaries that many women deserve. Again the continuation of the poverty cycle. 

  

Can we not get past this "entry level" mindset where employees (male and female) often end up getting exploited for what they do versus what they get paid? Do we not deserve to be better positioned for ourselves and our kids? 

  

Let's get out of mickey mouse mode way of thinking the the lowest denominator is something to attain.  This is where the feminization of poverty starts.  I don't mean to insult anyone however that is the reality out there.  

We are not all doomed - but the majority of us are in for a rough ride. There are many married women with successfull careers and well brought up children.    

  

Some women seem to feel that if they are not at home with their kids - the kids will lack. 

  

Others feel that a woman should be able to do both and many have done so very well. 

  

Some women have been SAHW with terribly raised children. Other have worked outside the home and have terribly raised children.  

  

Others feel that SAHW is attained by neglecting her professional developement (in a serious capacity) and won't think about negative occurences until they may come up. 

  

2 of 3 women end up divorced with their kids in tow. Which of the above will be in the best position to handle the demands of that majority group? - That's all I'm saying.   

Joy, you didnt have to sign it----I recognized you immediately!  I am a 52 yr old married lady with 3 adult children who has been a working mom and a SAHM.  As you can see, not a profile similar to yours in any obvious ways.  This show interested me because I really enjoy considering how different we all are...what makes people tick.   

  

I enjoyed your posted response about the old maid as much as I enjoyed hearing your viewpoint during the show.  You are an articulate, honest person with a good sense of humor and self.  Wish you were my neighbor, we could have some fun debates!  Have a good one.   

I dont care if the job is low paying - atleast I wont end up on the wealfare line and sitting on my butt.  You seem, to me, that you are "power to the women" and screw everyone else.  You would rather have no one marry cause it will eventually fail, dont have kids cause things happen and you can never be prepared enough for them.  You are very determined to have and want everyone women on this board to say you are correct in every aspect and I will start staching money away so when my husband cheats or leaves me I will be fine.  I will tell my husband that I am going to a friends house every other nite durning the week so I can get an education so when he does leave ( like you have repeatily stated that 2/3 will) I will be okay and any children that I do have will be fine.  You are the one who is premoting fraud in a family.  You are saying that dont have children cause you will be divorced and if you do you better stay working to be able to provide at the drop of a hat for your kids if hubby leaves.  No way am I in the Micky Mouse mode of thinking.  If that was the case - I would have a supercalifragicisticsuperalisdosous (sp) day ever day with sparkling house, children that are completely healthy and are absoutly angels and a single hair that is never out of place.  Why dont you - instead of encouraging others not to live in a marriage or if they do to except it to fail - you get off your horse and encourage them to seek counciling, talk to a pastor or other minister of your religion.  Instead of going over and over that having a women stay home with her children is DEGRADING to the "women" of today support them.  You seem that you need to have the understanding of what a Stay at home mom or wife does daily.  And if you are so worried about mother or wives that come out of marriages to a crappy paying - you hire them.  I dont have the money so go - hey the laundry is backed up  were is merry maids to clean my house.  That is my choice - we are given the "Free Choice" from God.  My husband job allows us to send our kids to a private school to get a Christian education, cause of my husband accident we have both our vehicals paid in full, 40 acres that is paid out right.  Like I stated before - we all got your point that being married sucks for the women who stay home to raise children because when the man leaves we will be screwing our children over in the long run and hurting them.  Oh wait - I have to go hid some money my husband just brought home incase he realizes i am not the women he ever wanted to marry.  You never know - Eve Longeria may walk into my house and snatch him from me.   

  

Thank you again for making me realize that God does have a funny side and makes people so closed minded that even in His own words that other people will twist and destroy what he wrote.   

Yandot, 

  

Do you actually believe that women want to end up in negative circumstances? They end up in them - to a great extent - with lack of planning. I'm not some "high powered person". I believe in women not being totally dependent on men financially as I see the consequences of those who do.  

  

Divorce occurs as a last resort to many. At a certain point, marriages do end. If I was on a high horse I wouldn't even care about the 2 out of 3 women who may end up in dire straits. I would be too busy doing something else and say "that's not my problem".  I know of many other women who have comfortable lives who wouldn't comment twice on the plight and causes of single mothers. They don't care as it doesn't concern them.  

  

But when I know there are millions of women who were thrown into disasterous situations, is it our responsibility to look at what causes this and to encourage more options. Some men are abusive and it is sometimes best for the wife to leave, after trying all recourse. Her life may depend on it.  

  

You come from the perspective of "let's hope this marriage doesn't end". I come from the perspective of "let's hope they don't end and if they do, let's do what we can to prepare these women and kids" . Awareness is a start.  

  

I have worked very hard, along with others, to encourage women to be realistic about their life choices.  We all promote a good marriages and family life, of course! but to disregard other aspects is foolish.   

  

The majority of women end up divorced - I didn't make that up and I am concerned.  

  

I am only commenting on the reality out there, I didn't create it, I don't promote it, I don't want kids to suffer due to both parents lack of thought and planning.   

  

Of course people will continue to marry and have kids. That's why it's so important to ensure women are not placed in vulnerable situations when the majority of these marriages end.  Not my stats.   

  

What is with this assumption that women who stay home don't do anything to better themselves? That we have no bankable skills? That we are unaware of the world around us? That we are uneducated and unable to go out in the world on our own? 

  

Sally, I hear what you are saying and agree that all women should take responsibility for themselves. However, I think you are also demeaning many women by the comments you have made. 

  

Certainly there are women who are at or below poverty level and many are either divorced or single mothers. But that doesn't mean that every woman who chooses to stay home will become a penniless loser if her husband leaves or worse dies. To assume that the poverty level of women is due to their lack of a man is very contradictory to the idea of an independent woman. Of the many women I know the ones who stay home are just as capable and determined as those who work outside the home. And I must also point out that those who work outside the home would have just as big of a problem if their husband were gone. Imagine going from a nice dual income to just one. Talk about a lifestyle change. 

  

Each time I read one of Sally's posts all I can hear her saying is "Watch out because he is going to leave you!" I don't think that any wife needs to adopt that style of thinking. What kind of a marriage do you have if you spend your time planning for the day your spouse is gone? Certainly everyone (husband & wives) should have some type of plan in mind for the "what ifs" of life. Certainly all people should continue to improve themselves. Certainly we should all be self sufficient. But you can't live your life waiting, planning and anticipating that something bad is going to happen. What kind of example would that set for your kids. Would you say to them "Mom is going back to school because someday your Dad might not be here to take care of us, so I have to be ready for that." or "I decided to go back to work because I am not worth anything by staying home." Because Sally - that's what I hear you saying. 

  

Here's a shout out to all women. Whether you work or stay home, you're married or single - You Rock!  

To day that Yandot comes from the "Let's Hope ..." side of things is just ridiculous. Did you ever stop to think the viewpoint is one of  "I will do everything I can to ensure my marriage is a success".   

  

But on the other hand as I continue to read your posts I realize that even though my husband and I have learned to communicate with each other, we have a generally happy family and have worked together to overcome problems together - it's hopeless. The end is near and if I don't want to become another statistic I need to go back to work today. I need to go out and get a job so I can take care of my own bills. I need to leave the kids home alone after school or with a babysitter and make some money. Because if I don't do it today, I will never be able to find a job. No one would want to hire me in 5 or 6 years because I won't have any skills at that point. So I need to leave my family behind because the day is coming that I will be left all alone and I wont know how to take care of myself. Thanks for setting me straight. 

  

HA! I dont think so.