Topic : 12/28 Wifestyles

Also, it seems too many American women spend their time in a relationship trying to be a man and a woman... which does indeed sacrifice the quality of the wife that they are (most men aren't attracted to men :). Marriage is a partnership with different yet equally important roles... and both the man and the women should serve(respect) each other. People tend to feel the way they are treated which can be a gateway for manipulation. If the man treats the woman as lesser, he shouldn't expect a damn thing in return. (the preceeding message is from a 19-year old American male) 

                           TOOLjared5@aol.com 

I heard one that lving somebody was a decision. That once all the passion and excitement fades away, that you have to decide that you'r going to make it work.  If you're both willing to go to marriage counselling, I think that's a great idea and it doesn't really matter who makes the appointment as long as you both go and are willing to put yourselves into it.    

Totally agree.  In fact, one of my favorite quotes is that "Love is an Action, not a Feeling"  Y ou decide to love someone even when they're pretty unlovable, as we all are from time to time.  You continue to be respectful, don't call names, put their needs ahead of yours, be interested in their day, etc.  Now, that doesn't mean you allow yourself to be a doormat....you can still demand that you be treated a certain way.  The other day my husband said something "teasingly" but was pretty hurtful.  I said "You know, I didn't deserve that."  Then proceeded to ask if I could get him anything while I was up.  You should read Relationship Rescue...Dr. Phil talks about even if the other person isn't willing to put the work into it, you'd be surprised what'll happen when YOU put the work into it.  A lot of times the other person will lower their defenses and soften up and start treating you like they are being treated.  Not always....but make sure you are doing the work YOU can do now.  Read Relationship Rescue.....it's great. 

I don't know about this, so don't rely on this totally, but some insurance companies, I think, have a plan where you can go to a therapist without a referral.  Maybe Duckie knows more about this than I do.  I would definately try with your Doctor, and also contact your insurance co to see what they can do.  

Unfortunately, this country is really lacking in this area.  It makes me crazy.  You can certainly look at your policy and see what they cover.  If they will cover therapy WITH a referral, I would hound your doc until he or she gives you one.    For heaven's sake, I can't imagine having someone come to me and say they need help working on their marriage because it's overwhelming them.......and NOT giving them a referral!!!  If the doc won't give you a referral, then ask people you trust....friends, clergy, whatever, to see if they have any ideas.  Don't give up on this.  You are brave to even want to take that step.  There are alot of people who shrug their shoulders and just walk away.   Hang in there. 

American women spend their time in a relationship trying to be a man and a woman. 

That is interesting. Can you describe what you mean by "trying to be a man"? Is earning an income "trying to be a man"? Is being able to mow a lawn or fix a tire "trying to be a man"? Just what, in your opinion is exclusively manlike? 

Maybe I'm just a bit sensitive to suicide and depression.  You do sound depressed and I still think talking to your physician is a good idea.  If you are healthy, no harm done but if there is a medical problem that can be solved, that would be great.  Your physician may even have some ideas for you about marriage counselling.  

Good luck! I hope you feel better soon. 

American women spend their time in a relationship trying to be a man and a woman.  

That is interesting. Can you describe what you mean by "trying to be a man"? Is earning an income "trying to be a man"? Is being able to mow a lawn or fix a tire "trying to be a man"? Just what, in your opinion is exclusively manlike?  

Judy....I've been trying to figure that out, too.  My husband makes a mean Cherry Cream Cheese Cake.  I hope that doesn't mean he's trying to be a woman, 'cause he sure is manly to me.   

Does that husband get it yet? (or is he not her husband any longer?) He just keeps going back to the same thing - his wife! He seems to feel it is about her improving - he doesn't see all the improving he needs to do! I bet his dad was like that too! If he doesn't wake up and smell some very pretty roses and give at least a couple dozen to his wife, he may be all by him self and with no one to blame except himself. I believe that if he wants to have the cupboard, drawers, etc more organized, he should just hop right in there and do the organizing and to keep things organized the way he wants he should just continue to do all of the dishes, and everything else to keep him house which should be a home orderly. 

We could tell him that real men do dishes; real men cook; real men do laundry; real men vacuum, sweep and mop! If he wants to know about a real man, he can talk to my husband! 

After watching the 33 year old woman who said she never wanted to be a wife, I decided to write a bit about my own experience.  I once had an attitude similar to hers, and realized a bit too late what I might be missing..... 

I am a 46 year old woman....unmarried.....no kids.  I have had a great single life, complete with meaningful relationships, my own beach home, world travel, a high paying job....the list goes on.  I am feminine and attractive, smart and successful 

I grew up in a time where women were expected to make something of there lives in terms of a career, education etc.....Sadly, many of my girlfriends realized too late how important marriage/family really was/is to them.  I have seen many of them struggle at 35, 40 and older to get pregnant for the first time......naively thinking they had forever (just like me) and really thinking that they could do anything they put their mind to (just like me)...forgetting that their bodies had a say in it all too 

At 38 I woke up and realized that I was so busy achieving "things" ....and that I had put many aspects of my personal life on hold.  At that time I thought, like everything else, I could just make a decision to finally get married and have kids and it would just happen.  Well... I soon discovered it takes two people, in the right place, at the right time for a relationship to blossom into the ultimate commitment.....marriage 

I write all of this just as food for thought for women out there that may think they can do it all.....or achieve their dreams and postpone a family.  I have few regrets in life, but one is being childless 

So....should women give up their dreams to be married?  My answer is no, but I would add to that to really look deep into your soul to see what your dreams REALLY are (instead of being influenced by others....society..... as to what you should do, what is valuable, or how you should live).  

Over time I have realized there is nothing wrong with a dream of having a family and a husband.   

Why can't being married with kids be the ultimate dream of all ?