Topic : 10/11 College Chaos

Hi Dr. Phil & Robin.  I'm a single parent of 17 year old triplets.  I have 2 sons and a daughter who are  Seniors in high school this year.  I'm not sure how to handle or cope with all three leaving for college next fall.  Not only will my heart ache for them (they're my life), but the expense of college is weighing heavily on my mind.   

Dr. Phil, 

  

I went to SMU for undergrad (I graduated in 2004).  I agree with you that it is an amazing school that really allows the student access to unlimited resources.  Please encourage Jordan to really get to know his professors.  Up until I moved out of Texas a few months ago, I still had monthy lunches with one of my favorite professors.   

  

I'm feeling a little homesick for SMU though.  I'm currently in law school at University of Miami.  As I'm sure you know with Jay, law school is tough and, unlike undergrad, they don't hold your hand if you are homesick.  This is my first time living outside of Texas since I was 4!!  I miss home so it is always nice to see little blurbs about home.  Thanks for the pick-me up Dr. Phil!   

 I am experiencing the same type of feelings but the situation is much different.  When sending a child off to college, parents can still talk to them and visit whenever they want but I am sending my child off to boot camp.  My son finished his first year of college and has now decided to join the service.  Although I am extremely proud of him and support him 100% I cannot help feeling some sorrow.  I will have extremely limited contact with him for the first 8 weeks he is gone.  To make matters worse (for me) he will be leaving right before Christmas.  He is very positive about the choice he has made and my husband and I couldnt be prouder but I must admit, I had to turn the channel at the beginning of the show because all I could do was cry.  How does one handle this situation?

 I have a pet rat named Spike from Buffy the Vampire Slayer. I love him he is so quite and easy to care for and so loving when he is on my shoulder. Everyone should try it at least once to own a rat. They are smart, fun and loving animals and don't deserve the stereotype as a pest that they have received in the past.
Nice to know someone else knows a bit about pet rats.
Mine is a white rat with red eyes.

None of my children are leaving for college...yet.  We have a 14 yr old that will be leaving soon, but that idea is already a struggle.  The 3 yr and 1 yr keep my mind off that issue.  I have a simple question.  Dr. Phil, you have covered so many issues, but not mine.  What happens when you are afraid of your children?  I love my children, but to be alone with them terrifies me to the point of being able to do nothing.  No, I do not and would not hurt, abandon, or neglet my children.  They simply scare me.  I am overwhelmed when it is me and them.  I am exhausted and feel as if I have already failed before I have begun.  My husband is terrific, but his job can't continue to put on hold.  My mother-in-law is very helpful, but, again, it is a band-aid.  I am intellegent, loving, giving, and would love to be a fantastic mother.  How do I accomplish this most important task?

Hi Dr.Phil, 

I am watching the show right now and the nine college girls who are living together are hittin the spot in describing how it is living with a few friends. It is hard to confront the roommates because you have to see them two seconds later. But guess what, You have to do it sometimes. Just this past weekend I had to confront one of my roommates about cleaning up after herself. She denies not doing it. So, I'm thinking, the four of us must be going out of our minds and making up these lies...I think NOT! Our discussion became a little heated in a very short matter of time but we got through it. It has only been a couple of days since the encounter and she is doing fine. I just hope she keeps up the good work. I just want to tell the girls that you have to confront the small problems head on before it turns into some revengeful and regretful conpetition. The little things matter and are way easier to handle so speak up and get it over with. P.S Have a good time now because the chances are you'll never hang out with your roomies like this ever again. Good luck!! 

Dr. Phil, 

  

You know drinking will never be completely solved in our society, but can be sustained.  I know this could be repeatitive, but it starts with education in the house.  We need to get our families back in order and other things will come togehter with that.  Today families are to busy and doing too many things instead of being parents, but most of all a family.  The reason I say this is because if the family talks about such issues will help educate kids by telling them the positive effect of not doing it not just say no because I say so.  Accountability is the best way to stop something that's addictive and talk about ways to keep each other away. 

When my son graduated from High School he was undecided about college, university etc.   I was really on his case about finding something to do with his life and making a committment.   I really worried that he would keep working at Wendy's and living in the same small town that we lived in.  I wanted him to get out there - experience life for all its ups and downs and grow into an adult.  After about a month of listening to me on a bi-weekly basis he finally decided to join the Air Force (huge surprise since it wasn't on the list anywhere).   I was just happy that he had made a decision of some kind.   He went and applied in June and they got back to him and said that he had been accepted and would be going off to basic training on September 17th.  This was in 2001.   Well - we all know what happened on September 11th 2001.     The world he was going away in was different than the world that he signed up in.     This added an element of anxiety for both of us but the committment was made and off he went.   As it turns out - he went off to basic training the same month that I moved to another city for business purposes.   For the first month I cried constantly.   I missed my old house, my friends, my son etc.   Eventually I got over it and I moved on and I am doing well now.     

  

I guess what I am trying to say in this long email is if this is what you are going through right now - get prepared because it is only the beginning of many changes that are going to take place.    My son came home for many visits the first year (when he had leave etc).  Then he got his own apartment and came home a little less often.   Then he got a girlfriend and for 1 Christmas he couldn't get a leave and I had to find something else to do that Christmas.  I spent more time with my own mom and visited a lot of old friends.   I stayed away from home because I didn't want to mope about but I really missed him and if truth be known I resented it a bit as well, however, I knew that it would pass once Christmas was over.   I am happy that my son is living on his own and building a bright future.   I see many changes in him - he is more confident, he has had his heart broken, he has made many friends in different cities (previously he was a bit of an introvert who was a little shy) and he is pumped on building a career in his chosen profession.      

  

When he left home he was 19 which at the time felt fine but by the standards of his friends was young.    He has friends who have never left the small city that we lived in.   1 of his old friends who is the same age has had  2 children out of wedlock (with different women) and has had at least 2 jobs every year since graduation - he still lives with his mom.    His other friends who went off to univeristy and college have all graduated and are out there on their own starting careers.     

  

I am really glad that he got out there and gained his independence early.   We have a great relationship and I give him a lot of space with regards to his life.   Beleive me - you don't want to know EVERYTHING your kids are into.   Keep open to hearing them when they want to share.   Try not to be too judgemental because I find if I have too much of an opinion - he isn't forthcoming in sharing or asking advice.    Some things men just don't want to discuss with their moms.   That is why they have friends.     

  

I feel it is my job to get on with my life - it isn't his job to take care of me at this point in his life.   I have started taking courses at college again and I have a job that keeps me busy as well.   If I get really bored - I might start dating again - but it hasn't actually come to that yet - life can be so full if you want it to be. 

Hi, caingirl. I didn't go to law school but my husband just finished three years at Vanderbilt Law. He could SO relate to what you're saying about the first year. He was alone in Nashville and I was four hours away. He called me every night that first semester, asking himself what in the world had he gotten into? There were definitely times when he considered quitting. Fortunately, he got through that first rough patch and made it through. We're married and he's working at a great firm now. 

  

Just know that it DOES get better and it does start to make a little sense by Year Two. Really! Hang in there and keep those calls and e-mails home to Texas going.