Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

The world was just as twisted 20, 30 years ago. Remember Funny Uncles, priests that are only now being called out for their actions, etc. The only difference is now these problems are discussed openly whereas before one simply did not talk about sexual abuse, alcoholism etc. inside your home let alone to anyone outside. Knowledge is power though we get a distorted perception with these subjects that have finally been brought into the open. I suspect though I can't prove the rates of pedophilia, abuse and other crime against children haven't changed much over the years, we are simply far more aware of these incidents.  

Like anything else you have to gauge the probability of the threat and do your utmost to reduce the chances you or yours will be a victim of crime. There are still areas of town I won't go through without rolling up the car windows and locking the doors and I'm sure not going through there at night! You can't live your life worrying about every "what if" I was molested, I was raped, my sister and my high school sweetheart were abused by priests. I went through therapy to learn how to cope and get over all this. I made a concious decision that I wouldn't live my life in fear of what could happen, some things I just don't have any control over but I can do my best to reduce the risk to myself and those I love by being aware of my surroundings and avoiding situtations that put me in danger. It's the only thing you can do unless you want to live your life in a cage of your own making.  

I am not a mother, but I am in many ways, what I would still consider a child.  I would just like to throw out some questions I think may be important for you to ask yourself for the sake of your daughter.  I am 24 years old, just graduated from college, and am now living back at home to pay off school loans.  I just wanted to give you some background about me first-  I want to tell you that some of the most wonderful and difficult memories and experiences of my life have been since I was 14 years old, and had my parents been more overprotective, I may not have survived-emotionally.  I fell in love... I had my heart broken.. It crushed me!  It was the most wonderful and horrible experience of my life, and I TREASURE it... and my parents could not protect me from it.  But thank God I went through it and learned how to cope.  I went to dances, I went to movies and stuck a kiss from a cute boy, I opened a credit card at 18- maxed it out, and it took three years to pay it off-.  I am positive that your daughter, Ashlee truly respects and looks up to you.  You have to be certain that she will make the right choices just by watching you.  And when she doesn't- she WILL fail in some ways, she will learn how to pick herself up and try again.  What will happen when your daughter is old enough to drive?  You can not control where she goes.  Sure, then don't buy her a car.  Then when she moves out, she gets her own job, and car, and she WILL have an accident- I believe we all do. :)  And a ticket.  And she will pay for it herself and watch her speed.  She will have a friend betray her.  You can not protect her from that.  She will have a boyfriend break her heart- and it will hurt her- again, you can't protect her from that.  And I know you know all of this, but my major question is this:  What would Ashlee do, being the "naive girl" that she is today, if you were to die?  Every single major decision in her life thus far has been directed through you.  She would be in a whirlwind of pain from losing AND would not know how to face the world.  If you knew you would go tomorrow, would you feel she is ready for life?  She only has ONE life.  Let her smile, and laugh and cry with the mistakes and adventures she will have.  Do not strip them from her.  Let her have and make her own memories and mistakes.  Let some of them scare her.  That is what life is all about.  Protect her- know where she is and where she is going BUT if YOU are terrified when she leaves the house- (sexual predator or not) especially since during the first show, those predators were not in the neighborhood, and you were overbearing even then, so it sounds like an excuse to me, then YOU are to blame.  What upset me most, is that your NAIVE little girl was having to console YOU when she went to the MALL!  That is almost infuriating to me.  How dare you make her comfort you!  That is appalling!  You children ARE gifts from God.  But they are gifts to the WORLD.  Not to you.  Those are your children, but they are their own PEOPLE- you do not OWN them.  Let them live!  She is not your pet.  - Sure animals live longer in captivity- but they don't know what it is like to be with "their" kind- and rarely ever make it when they are let loose in the wild.  You will not always be there, and when you're not- make sure she is ready.  You don't know when you will go.  My best friend lost her mother to a brain tumor when she was 20.  They gave her 2 months to live- she lasted one.  It CAN happen to you- and this is not about what may or may not happen with a predator down the street.  Your precious daughter will be SCARED of life.  Instead, she should embrace it.  When your daughter looks back to her childhood, will she thank you for keeping her safe?  Of course.  Will she be bitter about what she missed because of it- absolutely.  Time will tell.  She will leave you if you are not careful. The only reason she is not "harmed" by you yet,  is that she doesn't know any different.  BUT- she will become an adult and she will have problems down the line with it then.  Don't do this anymore.   

WIDE OPEN SPACES- DIXIE CHICKS 

Who doesn't know what I'm talking about 

Who's never left home, who's never struck out 

To find a dream and life of their own 

A place in the clouds, a foundation of stone 

Many precede and many will follow 

A young girl's dream no longer hollow 

It takes the shape of a place out west 

But what it holds for her, she hasn't yet guessed 

She needs wide open spaces 

Room to make her big mistakes 

She needs new faces 

She knows the high stakes 

She traveled this road as a child 

Wide eyed and grinning, she never tired 

But she won't be coming back with the rest 

If these are life's lessons, she'll take this test 

As her folks drive away, her dad yells, "Check the oil!" 

Mom stares out the window and says, "I'm leaving my girl" 

She said, "It didn't seem like that long ago" 

When she stood there and let her own folks know 

She needed: 

Wide open spaces 

Room to make her big mistakes 

She needed new faces 

She knows the highest stakes.   

Hi there! 

I have to totally agree with you on this! I was yelling at Dr Phil the whole time! lol And the little girl on the show, too! No way, no how would I let my FOURTEEN yr old ride a city bus by herself, go to the mall by herself, or even to the movies by herself. Yes, she had a friend with her... but there were NO parents around to watch them! When I was a child, yes, all these things could be done. But things weren't like they are now! I could walk to my friends house & not worry about being snatched. No way that could happen now. 

I have a 3 1/2 yr old daughter & I'm expecting my 2nd daughter around January 2, 2006. You can bet both my girls will be watched. Right now, my daughter sleeps in the room with us. In her own bed of course, but she's in the same room. We live in a trailer & her room is on the other end of the trailer, with a window right above the hitch & anyone can easily get in. We plan on moving after the baby gets here. But right now, I sleep better and I'm more comfortable knowing my daughter is safe. 

I see nothing wrong with the mom on the show making sure her daughter got to her friends house in one piece. And certianly nothing wrong with her saying no to the mall, bus & movies!!! I cried right along with the mother when she was FORCED to let her daughter go. Shame on Dr Phil!! This world is SICK! And people can not be trusted!! 

Way to go, Mom!! Better safe than sorry, is what I say! 

Hi I just wanted to let you know that I totally understand how you feel and that I think that you are doing a great job raising Ashlee.  I don't think you are being over-protective.   

I'm sorry you are being bashed in here.  I don't think half the people realise that you are posting here... they just think they are talking about the show with other people. 

I don't think you need counselling or medication.  You are doing what's best for your daughter.  You are trying to protect her.  I don't blame you.  The fact that anyone can brush off the fact that there are child molesters living near you is very very sad and it makes me angry. 

I was just wondering - have you been abused?  I read that you have PTSD (or was that just what Dr Phil said because he's probably wrong)? 

Anyway, if you'd like to contact me my email address is newmummy042004@yahoo.com 

I'm on your side. 

I was so up-set after watching the Dr. Phil show yesterday.  I could not believe what I was hearing. This day and time I would not feel safe walking to a bus stop alone and I'm a lot older than 14.  I don't feel we should be given a title of "Over protective" because we love our children and we don't want anything bad to happen to them.    

I could not believe Dr. Phil said that a mother shouldn't tell her child that there are bad people in this world that would take them.  LOOK at all of the pictures on the milk cartons.  Maybe more mothers should make their children aware of the bad people in this world then maybe there would be less children on milk cartons. 

I think this mom is doing a GREAT job raising her 14 year old daughter. KEEP UP THE GOOD WORK! 

Dr. Phil I think you were way off on this one.   

I don't think we could ever watch our children too much.  I think there are too many parents out there that don't watch their children good enough.  

Our children are our responsibility and we should take the job of raising them very serious.  Your right Dr. Phil we can't watch our children 24/7 but when we are not able to watch them we should leave them in the hand of people that are very trustworthy. 

I think when a child goes somewhere it is very important for them to call their parent when they arrive so you know they got there safe and also when the child gets ready to return home they should call and let the parent know they are headed home so you know they are on the way. This keeps you aware of the child's safety and these children that have disappeared, if they had done this their parents would have known they were missing sooner. It's not trying to control them or their lives it trying to be aware of their safety.    

Dr. Phil you usually have great shows. This one was just a little shocking, but I guess we all have our bad days.  

Dr. Phil- What were you thinking? 

When I first was watching the part about mom and her 14 year old and the fact that she follows the bus.....I though you were talking about the school bus or something! That was the only way I could see the label "overprotective"!! When I learned the daughter was riding the transit bus, I was floored! There is no way in heck I would let my daughter, younger cousin,  or little sister ride that bus with a friend TO THE MALL!!!~ (none the less!) 

I don't see that as being overprotective, I see it as being a concerned and involved parent which seems to be on the rare these days! In my "nice" and "upperclass" neighborhood alone, we have 6 registered sex offenders. I see younger kids walking home from school everday and my stomach churns! God forbid anything were to happen to those kids, Im sure the parents would play the "What IF.."game. I know you can't watch your kids 24/7 and parents will have to let go at one point but these are our children whom we are to protect and nurture! I wish all parents were more overprotective these days! I will embrace this title one day when my children are 14! 

Normally I pretty much agree with whatever stance Dr. Phil takes on a topic, but not on this show.   

 As parents,  we are responsible for the SAFETY of our children, be they 2 or 12 or 16, no ifs, ands or buts.   Yes, teenagers need freedom, but they also need boundaries and supervision.   Research has shown that the part of a teenager's brain that involves making rational decisions remains under-developed until early adulthood.   That's why so many teens make seemingly stupid choices.     And that's where parents come in to play.   We have to be there to rein in our kids when they want to make the dumb decisions, because some of those dumb decisons have dire consequences (ex. pregnancy, drug abuse).       

Thankfully my daughters don't have to ride public busses, or even walk to school.   They are the lucky ones.  Countless children are harrassed every day walking to and from school, and most of it goes unreported.   We live in a world where children are viewed as targets, as individuals to be exploited.  Just look and see what goes on on the internet.   Internet stalking of children simply mirrors what goes on in the "real world".   So the last thing I'm going to do is close my eyes and pretend the world is a safe place for my teenagers to explore on their own without reasonable restrictions.   That simply is not true.        

It seems as if we're d*** if we do and d*** if we don't.   If we give our teenagers freedom and they get into trouble we're asked why we weren't supervising our children, and if we supervise our children we're told we're not giving them enough freedom.  Where's the middle road here??    

Just FYI my children attend public school, they go away to camp for weeks at a time in the summer, and are allowed to sleep over at friend's houses, go to the movies & the mall with their friends,  provided I know where they are.   But they are not allowed to simply walk the streets or go wherever they want without asking me first.    I'm sorry.   I have my standards.