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Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

Number of Replies: 310
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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:41:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/12/05) They won’t let you walk down the street alone.  They call your house five times a day, screen your calls, and monitor your every move. It’s not the FBI; it’s mothers! When 14-year-old Ashlee was on the show nearly two years ago, she said her mother, Teresa, was embarrassing and strict, and she wanted it to stop. Now she’s back and says her mom still won’t allow her to have any freedom. See the assignment Dr. Phil gave them that brought Teresa to tears. Plus, meet a 43-year old woman who says her mother is so overprotective, she calls the police if she comes home late. Can her mom learn how to let go? Share your thoughts.

 

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October 12, 2005, 9:44 am CDT

Important info

This isn't likely to help overprotective parents chill out but it is very important for parents to be aware: 

Last FBI stats I saw (somewhere around '95, '96) stated that on average there is 1 known sexual predator every 2 square miles. A friend in Criminal Justice tells me it's much higher than that now. 

Parents, when choosing a neighborhood most police departments will give you the info regarding known sexual predators in a particular neighborhood either by zipcode in smaller cities or by subdivision in the larger cities. Please make use of this information when deciding where to live. Please note the boldface on known, the stats don't include the preds that haven't been caught yet. 

 
October 12, 2005, 10:12 am CDT

correction

Quote From: wyldcelt

This isn't likely to help overprotective parents chill out but it is very important for parents to be aware: 

Last FBI stats I saw (somewhere around '95, '96) stated that on average there is 1 known sexual predator every 2 square miles. A friend in Criminal Justice tells me it's much higher than that now. 

Parents, when choosing a neighborhood most police departments will give you the info regarding known sexual predators in a particular neighborhood either by zipcode in smaller cities or by subdivision in the larger cities. Please make use of this information when deciding where to live. Please note the boldface on known, the stats don't include the preds that haven't been caught yet. 

subdivision in smaller cities, zipcode in larger
 
October 12, 2005, 11:34 am CDT

FREEDOM OR NOT

We just moved from an area that was not the safest to a very safe neighborhood.  I have a 13 yr old and 8 year old.  I give them freedom since we moved 1 1/2 years ago to walking up and down the hill as long as they are together. They can walk to Starbucks, the market and the eating places down our hill which is only a 10 minute walk.   

  

My thougths have always been. I'm to know where you are at all times and who you are with.  They carry a cell phone on them at all times for emergency.   

  

I drop the 13 year old off at the mall with her friends and to the movies.  I did have total trust with my 13 year old until I found out the group of girls met boys and were at the movies.  I caught this immediatly when It happened and she now lost all trust and freedom.  I have no problem with them meeting boys but I'm to know about it.  so now she has no cell, no computer no nothing.  she had to earn items back slowely.   

  

I noticed wants I set such strict boundaries her priorities changes.  Yes she was mad for 3 days but know she spends more time studing, spending time with her sister and helping me in the house and doing her choras.  She know earned back 30 min of computer time with my supervision and me knowing all her pass codes.   

  

I'm very strict and my parents were very strict but I think I gave her a little too much freedom and boundaries really worked.  Her grades are wonderful and the boy issue is gone.   

  

Being a parent is the hardest thing on earth. I prey I'm making the best decission for my children with all my experience any my up bringing.  My mom taught me well.  I always say shes a no it all.  Shes always right.  I'm usually right but i do make mistakes.  I try hard.   

  

  

From a mom in valencia california.   

  

 
October 12, 2005, 12:17 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

Quote From: lzj4v6

After reading about other peoples mothers I feel blessed to have mine...my mother and father insisted that while I lived in their home I must abide by their rules...which I didn't always do but I ws appropriately punished and that was the end of it. I wasn't always allowed to do everything my friends were and that bugged me at the time but then I came to realized ,after hearing the kids in my high school talk about their weekends, that this wasn't a scene I wanted to be a part of anyway and I found solice in the simple boring things my friends and I did such as go to the mall and go to work...I am now 30 and have three kids of my own and I plan on treating them the same as my parents treated me. I am involved in their lives but I trust them until such a time as they prove me wrong...that is what my mother did that I think was so important in teaching us  to make responsible choices...we knew what was expected of us and were taught how to act responsibly and respectfully in public and only if we acted inappropriately or broke any of the house rules thus disrespecting my parents were we punished.  

  

I have to say that I am so lucky also in that becasue my mother trusts that she raised good kids ready to face the world and with the abilities to face any challenges that my arise she isn't the type of mother who has ever dolled out unsolicited advice. She lets us do as we please and if we ask we can get an opinion but otherwise she just assumes that we are adults with the ability to do as we feel is necessary for ourselves. She takes care of my children on a daily basis and has never presumed to tell me that I am not doing something correctly, she is exceptionally respectful of my wishes and do as I ask her to do with my children and not as she feels might be better for them...she has always recognized that I am their mother and have the final say in how they are raised...I have to tell you that it all boils down to this: 

  

TRUST YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE INSTILLING IN YOUR CHILDREN THE WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO FACE THE WORLD AND ALL OF ITS CHALLENGES HEAD ON MAKE THE WISEST CHOICES THAT THEY CAN AND IF THEY FAIL KNOW THAT THEY WILL LEARN FROM THE MISTAKE AND GET BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN...GIVE THEM THE CONFIDENCE THEY NEED WITH LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND GUIDANCE FROM YEARS OF YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES...EVEN IF IT SEEMS THEY ARE NOT LISTENING AS THEY ROLL THEIR EYES AT YOU OR DISMISS YOU WITH A 'WHATEVER' JUST TO GET YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE...THEY ARE HEARING YOU AND THAT WILL STAY WITH THEM FOR A LIFETIME 

  

  

I couldn't agre with you more.  Three minutes into this episode and I was wondering why this mother didn't trust her own abilities to raise responsible children.
 
October 12, 2005, 12:17 pm CDT

Right On !!

Quote From: lzj4v6

After reading about other peoples mothers I feel blessed to have mine...my mother and father insisted that while I lived in their home I must abide by their rules...which I didn't always do but I ws appropriately punished and that was the end of it. I wasn't always allowed to do everything my friends were and that bugged me at the time but then I came to realized ,after hearing the kids in my high school talk about their weekends, that this wasn't a scene I wanted to be a part of anyway and I found solice in the simple boring things my friends and I did such as go to the mall and go to work...I am now 30 and have three kids of my own and I plan on treating them the same as my parents treated me. I am involved in their lives but I trust them until such a time as they prove me wrong...that is what my mother did that I think was so important in teaching us  to make responsible choices...we knew what was expected of us and were taught how to act responsibly and respectfully in public and only if we acted inappropriately or broke any of the house rules thus disrespecting my parents were we punished.  

  

I have to say that I am so lucky also in that becasue my mother trusts that she raised good kids ready to face the world and with the abilities to face any challenges that my arise she isn't the type of mother who has ever dolled out unsolicited advice. She lets us do as we please and if we ask we can get an opinion but otherwise she just assumes that we are adults with the ability to do as we feel is necessary for ourselves. She takes care of my children on a daily basis and has never presumed to tell me that I am not doing something correctly, she is exceptionally respectful of my wishes and do as I ask her to do with my children and not as she feels might be better for them...she has always recognized that I am their mother and have the final say in how they are raised...I have to tell you that it all boils down to this: 

  

TRUST YOURSELF THAT YOU ARE INSTILLING IN YOUR CHILDREN THE WISDOM AND KNOWLEDGE NECESSARY TO FACE THE WORLD AND ALL OF ITS CHALLENGES HEAD ON MAKE THE WISEST CHOICES THAT THEY CAN AND IF THEY FAIL KNOW THAT THEY WILL LEARN FROM THE MISTAKE AND GET BACK UP AND TRY AGAIN...GIVE THEM THE CONFIDENCE THEY NEED WITH LOVE AND UNDERSTANDING AND GUIDANCE FROM YEARS OF YOUR OWN EXPERIENCES...EVEN IF IT SEEMS THEY ARE NOT LISTENING AS THEY ROLL THEIR EYES AT YOU OR DISMISS YOU WITH A 'WHATEVER' JUST TO GET YOU TO LEAVE THEM ALONE...THEY ARE HEARING YOU AND THAT WILL STAY WITH THEM FOR A LIFETIME 

  

  

Thanks for your message. Mostly your last pp. That is sooo Right On !! What you said is what I knew deep down but needed reminding to keep some of my over-protectiveness in check.  It is SO hard to let go after 18 yrs.  "18 YEARS" That is a very long time.   

  

My only son is a Senior and will be going to college next fall. YIKES !!!  Is he ready ??? am I ???  I have one year to do what my friends and I call "putting the icing on the cake". This means that as moms we try to see where we might have missed something. Have we given them the tools that they will need to be safe and prepared for what ever comes their way?  Are we being overprotective by trying to make sure our kids are fully prepared?  My son is a great kid confident and outgoing. He is very involved at his school and a good student. We thank our lucky stars daily for him. We are very close but he is sooo ready to move into the next phase of his life.  

  

I know that he thinks that I keep pretty close tabs on him. And I do. Your words about, "  trusting yourself..." helps me to work harder on backing out of his life in the role of protector.  Not easy!!!  But what is the new role??? Friend? Observer? Supporter? It is a huge learning process and I would hope that by the time he is off to college that I have come to a good place with this not only for me but for him especially.  

 
October 12, 2005, 12:21 pm CDT

My parents called it RESPECT

When I was a teenager I thought my parents were strict and to an extent they were.   I always had to call when I got some where.  If plans changed then I had to call again.  I wasn't allowed to date until I was sixteen.  I couldn't even go riding around with my friends until then.  My curfew was 11pm.  Which I thought was ridiculous.  If the school was going on a field trip my mom always wanted to go to.  I thought I had terrible parents.  And then on April 20, 1998 I became a mother.  That changed my life forever.  She is now 7 years old and when she stays with my mom for the weekend and I call and can't get a hold of them on the home phone or cell phone I get mad/upset.  They didn't say they were going anywhere and now I haven't heard from them in about 7hours and still no answer boy is nana gonna get a talking to when she gets home.  Then I think back about all the times she used to do that to me and I would get so mad at her.  It is funny how we actually do become our parents in the end.  So to an extent parents can be over protective but sometimes it is just out of respect for our parents that we need to give them a call.  Hey I got used to my mom tagging along on field trips because hey if I ran out of money  she was right there if I needed it. 

 
October 12, 2005, 12:25 pm CDT

Mothers

Well I haven't seen the show yet but I know this is the show about me. I am 32  and my mother wants to pick my friends , calls to make sure I am home even tries to tell me what I can and can not do.  She is controlling.I can not seem to make her see that her behavior is the problem between us. She just keeps on pointing out all my faults. It is to the point that I feel the need to cut all ties with her, but i want my daughters to have a relationship with her but I am scared she will do the same to them.She does it to my oldest already. I have resentment toward my mother for she was not there for me when i was a teenager till my twenties. Now that I am grown she wants to tell me how to live. It drives me crazy.If anyone has any advice i would be grateful
 
October 12, 2005, 12:26 pm CDT

Appropriate trust... it's hard and rewarding to let go

I'm a protective mom who is being her most protective by allowing my boys space and tools to enter the world as fully functional adults. 

  

I began when they were 5 by giving them the money to pay for the things they wanted and stepping back 5 or 6 feet and letting them deal with the counter staff. This gave them manners, interest in money and a small measure of independence. I vividly recall the first day my oldest son ventured into a men's room on his own. It was excruciating for me and very exciting for him. I tried not to relay my panic to him. I'd already told him about what to do if any stranger or friend touched him inappropriately but I'd forgotten to prepare myself for what runs through your mind when your son is in a room by himself with strange men. I almost ran in screaming when it seemed as though he'd been in "too long" (3 seconds would have been too long). I got over it... it was my struggle and my responsibility as the adult in the relationship to give him space to grow. 

  

As they got older, responsibility and freedom was earned. I'm blessed to have an 18 year old who has never once broken curfew or failed to call if he was delayed somewhere so he earned a lot of freedom and it went a long way to making him the man he's become now that he's in college. He hasn't missed a single class and holds his "druggie" roommate in contempt because he's throwing away his courses for a chance to party. I met that roommates mom when we moved the boys in and she was freaking about how he was going to do on his own. My son says that the boy had never been given freedom and now, he doesn't know how to set his own boundaries so he has none. He was completely ill equiped to be on his own.  

  

  

I think that one of the major ways we impress the rules on our sons is by  following them ourselves. We've never been intoxicated in front of our children. We're polite to people and we apologize when we're in the wrong. Our computer has no passwords for anyone and none of us have computer privacy (and the computer is in the living room where everyone can see what everyone is doing). We eat our vegetables. If my husband or I will be late home, we call to let everyone know. We work hard to respect each other and our children and they see that example when they start to make their own choices.  

  

I've raised one son to an adult and I'm on the way to raising another. Both are trustworthy and both are polite and kind and deserving of freedom.  

  

It's really hard to "let go". The milestones that were so hard for me were probably the same ones that helped to shape my boys. That first day of letting them walk to and from school by themselves. The school trip where I resisted being the tag along parent. The various parties and dances as my son got older and I didn't know the parents. My sons first time taking the bus into the city at 16 to perform at a comedy club and then returning home at 1 a.m. .... come to think of it, his 27th time doing that was as difficult for me as the first. I could have driven him the hour and a 1/2 each way and I could have made it much more easy for him to do what he loved but it's the fact that we set him free to pursue it that has made him so tenacious and so very sure that's the direction he wants to take. As hard as it was for us to suffer through the 7 or 8 hours he was away, it was so important for him to know that we trusted him enough to wait at home for him.  

  

Be protective... you can do that without smothering :) 

 
October 12, 2005, 12:26 pm CDT

Totally UNderstandable

I totally understand about being overprotective, however there is a limit to want you do not let your children do. I have an 8 year old and I don't let her go out of site there are to many untrustful people out there. And as much as I have prepared my child since she was old enough to understand what I was saying I still feel uncomfortable thinking about letting her do things away from where I can't see her so it doesn't happen. Then I see these 5 year olds that live up the street walking to the store by himself and I think maybe I am a little to over protective and it fades quickly because that childs parent just obviously isn't thinking about consequences. I am worried that as she gets older that she might be a little sheltered then some other children but hopefully I can bring my guard down a little as she gets older. But I think I might be just like Theresa at Ashley's age she should be able to go to the mall as long as she calls and checks up if she is going to be long. I know kids don't understand but it is just to make sure that everything is still okay. But at some point they have to start to learn to be independent and no how to keep safe.
 
October 12, 2005, 12:34 pm CDT

Might be helpful

Quote From: myrose4

Well I haven't seen the show yet but I know this is the show about me. I am 32  and my mother wants to pick my friends , calls to make sure I am home even tries to tell me what I can and can not do.  She is controlling.I can not seem to make her see that her behavior is the problem between us. She just keeps on pointing out all my faults. It is to the point that I feel the need to cut all ties with her, but i want my daughters to have a relationship with her but I am scared she will do the same to them.She does it to my oldest already. I have resentment toward my mother for she was not there for me when i was a teenager till my twenties. Now that I am grown she wants to tell me how to live. It drives me crazy.If anyone has any advice i would be grateful
I am 23 have lived alone since I was 16 and have 2 kids. Myself my Mother isn't over protective but everytime I make decisions in my life she always has to bring up negativity about all my decisions in life> I finally got sick of it and told her about it, I know ya its your Mom and you don't want to be rude and i she does get offened leave it for a couple of days and then explain how you feel. After time of cooling down she might then listen. You just have to confront it tell her  " Mom I am a grown and I understand that maybe you are just trying to be helpful and give me advice but I can live my own life, I don't mind if you give your opinion on things here and there but it is really starting to aggravate me. You can not control me so please just stop trying to control me." and if things do go well and she starts up again just say MOM ENOUGH. Thats what I did people are different so it might not be the same outcome but I just told my Mom to stop being so negative.
 
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