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Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:41:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/12/05) They won’t let you walk down the street alone.  They call your house five times a day, screen your calls, and monitor your every move. It’s not the FBI; it’s mothers! When 14-year-old Ashlee was on the show nearly two years ago, she said her mother, Teresa, was embarrassing and strict, and she wanted it to stop. Now she’s back and says her mom still won’t allow her to have any freedom. See the assignment Dr. Phil gave them that brought Teresa to tears. Plus, meet a 43-year old woman who says her mother is so overprotective, she calls the police if she comes home late. Can her mom learn how to let go? Share your thoughts.

 

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March 27, 2006, 5:51 am CST

that's sad

Quote From: marekz

With the attitude like yours, you helped create this world of violence and FEAR, because that what it's all about - FEAR! The world today is much safer place that it used to be in the past. Once again, TV is not the only source for information. In the middle ages, human life counted for less than cow's life, at the beginning of  XXth century world experienced two deadliest wars of human history. Based on such wrong premisses, I can see why you were overprotective. But for me, it's like believing that the earth is plane, not round. All you build upon this belief is false. I hope that the day when overprotective, controlling, abusive moms will be treated equally with pedophiles will come soon. The fear is still the best way to manipulate and control people!
It's sad to be THAT scared of the world.  Yes there are evil things that happen everyday, BUT, depriving you're child of life experience doesn't make those evils go away.  Too many people don't give kids and their intellegence enough credit.  Life is about Good vs. Bad...if you educate your children on that they'll be able to make informed desicions.  If you trust yourself and the way you've raised your children you can in turn trust them to live the way you taught them.I love Dr. Phil's line that  "Your'e raising adults not children".  Keeping your kids too close for too long only keeps them from knowing and understanding how the world and life REALLY works.
 
March 28, 2006, 11:14 am CST

03/14 Overprotective Moms

Quote From: stabornc

I'm jumping the gun and posting before the show airs.  I don't have to see it to know what will be said - I lived it, but not from my mom - my dad was worse. 

  

My philosophy was as long as my parents paid my bills, I was obligated to follow their rules.  That meant not going to the library without my sister. Not leaving the house without my sister. No dating. Who wants their sister on a date? My older brother was required to chaperone our oldest sister on her dates, and the resentment was huge because my father never once offered to pay for my brother and his obligatory date to accompany her.  Although there was 9 years difference between the 2 sets of children the attitude didn't change. 

  

My twin sister and I were required to room together in college, and if a parent called and one of us didn't know where the other was........   I was the dishonest one who lied to prevent the hysterics.  Once my sister was grounded with no car because I returned to the dorm room at 10pm after being on the interstate for 40 miles from visiting our older sister.  We were 21 years old and 3 months from graduating.  My father's attitude was "what if something had happened", and my response was "then you should take the blame for not believing you taught us to take care of ourselves - back off".  My sister didn't receive this treatment - she followed the formula of "daddy takes care of you until your husband does". 

  

I never told my parents when I was interviewing for a job after I lost the first interview because my father was in attendance.  He was afraid something would happen on the trip and insisted on going along for the ride.   

  

I moved 500 miles away for my second job, and he panicked when he found out at the age of 26 I booked my own flight, rented a car, survived the trip - and didn't tell him until after I accepted the job. I didn't even tell him I was job hunting.  I traveled to Manhatten during those days on business - but that didn't concern him - I suppose he thought a man accompanied me the entire time.   

  

I bought an answering machine with a remote the time I returned home from a weeklong business trip with a weekend layover to visit friends.  I was furious when the police came knocking on my door begging me to call home because he had been calling them every 3 hours the entire weekend afraid I had an accident and couldn't get to the phone. That was the first time I raised my voice at him.  No news is good news - his name and phone number were in my wallet in case of emergency.  His response was "what if you had a flat tire", and I yelled "And just what do you think you could do 500 miles away? I am supposed to call and wait for you to drive that distance? ". 

  

Then there was the time in my 30's when I went on a 15 day vacation - part being an 11 day cruise.  While I was gone there were a news cast about a cruise ship that had run into trouble.  Thank goodness a sister was present to remind him the ship was in the "wrong ocean" from the ship I was on.   

  

Enough of these scenerio's resulted in our not speaking the last 2 years of his life.  I have no regrets.  It was his problem.  He was too overprotective. He should have been proud to have raised a child who was self-sufficient instead of  his being so self-absorbed and selfish in trying to keep "life" from happening.  I once asked my mom why she and dad treated us in such a manner, and her response was "for your own safety".  I asked "and if you had an only child you would have locked them in a closet their entire life to protect them?".  It was cruel of me, and she didn't answer, but my point was taken - too late.  A parent needs to realize that things happen, and it isn't their job to prevent those situations, but to train their child to make decisions and then be there to help pick up the pieces and learn from the mistakes.  We don't learn life and mature from the good times - we learn and grow from the bad times, and it's easier when a parent doesn't judge but assists in that growth. 

  

Overprotective parents are doing themselves and their children no favors in their behavior. 

  

Isn't it ironic that when a spouse or other adult treats a person in this manner it is considered obsessive , stalking and grounds for legal action?  So why do parents think it is OK behavior?  It isn't. 

I have known people, some friends, some family who were in similar circumstances and usually they end up just like their parents.  It sounds like you will not.  I hope you will not smother your children because of your upbringing.  I doubt you will.   

 
March 29, 2006, 4:08 pm CST

03/14 Overprotective Moms

I can't believe this mom flipped out about her getting off on the wrong bus stop....I do that sometimes and I'm 27 and have been on my own for 8 years...LOL

I actually started riding the bus ALONE at 13 (gasp!) to the mall (Gasp!!) and my parents were fine with it (GASP!!!)

This woman's daughter is probably more street smart then most since her mother is constantly forcing her to deal with what COULD happen to her.
 
March 31, 2006, 3:42 pm CST

overprotective moms

I too am an overprotective mom of a 18 yr. old son.  I began of course during my pregnancy, when I became an absolute clean freak.  I feel I know why I am how I am, and it has alot to do with me being adopted.  I suddenly felt something I had never known. A p;ace to belong. A connection to this world.  As my son grew, I did all I could to give him every security, especially emotionally, that is humanly possible.  He has had me to make him feel safe, to teach him about the world, and relationships, about love and truth and fearlessness, about compassion and empathy, about life.  I'v made many mistakes, I have been so afraid of losing him to some accident, or pretador.. (The poor kid knows how to escape from a car trunk, and any other scenario I could possibly think of or hear of,  )that I clung so tight. Fear has ruled my life, even though I'v tried to teach him the opposite, of course it must of rubbed off on him.  I do not feel okay unless I know exactly where he is, what he is doing, and who with. I'v only recently allowed him to ride in vehicles with anyone other than those I feel safe with, and it's a short list.  Until he was in grade 10, I would watch him at the bus stop, even if I had worked all night ad was exhausted.  I do not know how he has put up with me, he is very independant, suprisingly, and still tolerates and respects my rules, sometimes I feel my lunacy will drive him away, but it's like he understands me like no other, and the relationship we have has been very loving, he still tells me every time we speak on the phone or text that he loves me, and several times a day in passing at home, but of course the fights we can have are heated, he does need more independance and I am trying to give it to him, I'm the one who has to learn to let go, like any parent, but I know that I am more involved than many parents, and even through the teen years, which I suspect nature has designed for us parents to be more than ready to see them move on, I am not. I know I'm going to have to be, or not I suppose, but I have no choice, this much I know to be true, although I have started to cook with more cheese, I 'm sane enough to know I'd be fighting a losing battle. I'v learned so much from my son, he's the single most important event of my life, and even though I know it is sad to have my identity so completely wrapped up in him, I'm going to try to change that, or live with it, alone... Anyway, to all you overprotective parents out there, this is my confession, I'v tried my best, I'v made mistakes, but at the end of the day, my son has a place in this world that is his.
 
April 25, 2006, 3:47 am CDT

03/14 Overprotective Moms

because i live in australia i only just got the show the other day and i must say that i was a little bit outraged. I am almost 17 and I used to feel that my parent's (not just my mum) were awfully protective...after seeing that I have reconsidered my thoughts completely.

I understand about the whole wanting to be protective thing...but not even trusting the father with the child is quite unreasonable...then again I haven't met the father, but none the less. 

  

I do understand about the whole shopping mall, bus thingy but yeah...the only thing I had a problem with is the hour at which the daughter went to the mall...she came home at 8pm...I would have NEVER been allowed out at that time at that age...surely they could shop in the daytime? Or maybe even the mum could drop her daughter at the mall with friends and then be in the mall while her friends are shopping, not necessarily with her. 

  

I suppose protectiveness does largely come down to the area in which one lives. I was also horrified at the number of child sex offenders...no wonder they are protective. 

  

I am currently doing my year 12 major work for society and culture on the protective role of the parent and how it effects their child's socialisation and I  must say this has been a great help. 

  

I don't know if this really led anywhere, but yeah, tis what I think. 

 
August 28, 2006, 3:00 pm CDT

Let him learn on his own

Quote From: rogtam

I know how Teresa feels.  I have a 12 year old son when he was about 41/2 years I lost him at a parade and I could not find him for about 15 minutes.  All kinds of crazy things went through my head.  When he was little I used to watch him go to the neighbors house just to make sure he made it.  Now if he goes to a friends house I have him call me when he gets there.  If he is late getting home I am starting to panic.   

  My sister tells my son he will never be able to go to College or get married because I will not let go of him.  I know I should let go but I just do not know how.  I get his clothes out for him and make sure he has everything he needs ready for the next day.  I make sure he has his school bag packed with everything and make sure all of his homework is in it.  I always ask him how was school did every one treat you ok .  If he goes anywhere I always ask did he have fun, who was there, did everyone talk.  I am making a nut case out of my son.  I jsut do not know what to do. 

You sound like a great mom!  No one could say you don't love your son, but you already know what you're doing wrong.  And as the teacher who replied to you earlier said, "You can't be his memory for him"  My son is 10 1/2 years old and for the last couple of years I've been letting him face his consequences when he forgets something.  Even when I left things out for him.  His jacket, backpack, snack, homework...it could all be right in front of the door and he'd still forget it.  I'd tell him to get this or that and he'd have it and be standing at the door with it- and by the time I got him to school he wouldn't have it.  ???  What do you do?  At first I would drive all the way back home for him.  I am happy to say, "Not anymore!!!"  If he didn't have his homework he had to sit in at recess, and maybe even do it over.  Forgot his snack?  Didn't have one that day.  No jacket?  He was cold all day.  Guess what...he started remembering.  It was magic.  Nothing improves a child's memory better than facing the consequences of forgetting.  Let your son see how his memory is. 

 
November 13, 2006, 2:52 am CST

My God, that's me!

I didn't see this show but that mother does everything that I do.

I know I'm overprotective and I realize that it keeps the kids from being responsible for themselfs yet I can't stop it.

I'm terrified of something happening to my girl!

She's twelve years old, just started highschool and I still follow her secretly to school to make sure she arrives safely.

I figured I had to let go as I couldn't embarras her in front of her friends showing up at the higschool but when she bikes to school I can hardly breath thinking of all the things that could happen to her so as soon as she's around the corner I secretly follow her. I don't care that it makes me late for work, my child is more important then my job.

I'm especially afraid of her bumping into a childmolester or abductor.

I those people didn't exist I would have less of a problem.

In fact I wish  all of those people would die to give us moms a break.

I also insist she calls whenever she vistis a friend by herself to make sure she has arrived safely.

I forbid her to play at one particular friends house because her mother has a new boyfriend every week and I believe that means she's not selective and by that behaviour endangers my child as it could be some weirdo since she didn't take the time to get to know the men.

My daugther thinks that's ridiculous.

But I have already been  proven right as one of those boyfriend smacked the hell out of  that mom,right  in front of her child which makes me believe even more in my own theories for why it's sometimes right to be overprotective.

I've have never stayed at my place of work longer then my daughter stays at school which annoys my coworkers but really I don't care.I want to be home in case she falls dwon the stairs or something,I would just hate it if something like that happened and I wasn't there just because I had to do something silly like a job.

Just like the woman in the show I lost my daughter in the streets of Amsterdam where I live when she was two and that was the most terrifying experience of my life! She was gone in a split second! When I called the police they didn't want to come rightaway which made it even worse! Especially with her not being able to swim yet and there being a lot of canals and all.

I started running around the streets like crazy telling everybody to look for my child. As I was running I saw this well known Dutch criminal riding on his scooter and I pulled him of saying :"My child is gone and the police isn't coming do something!"

Where he rightaway said:"Don't worry I'll find her ",where he called all his criminal buddies in the neighbourhood and started looking. Five minutes later I heard the whole neighbourhood say:"They found her,they found her" ,and I prayed to God it was really my child.

When I came around  the corner  I saw my daughter sitting all smiling being all relaxed on the scooter drinking a chocolatemilk the criminal had bought her. I just started crying my eyes out.

Since that day I never say something bad about criminal mafia type drugdealers as they did find my child where as the police didn't even show up!

Anyway ,I never  want to have that feeling again. I'm already praying that she doesn't want to party when she's around fifteen and sixteen because I just can stand the thought of her wandering the streets drunk with her friends and coming home real late.

My God, The worst it yet to come!.

I hope I can handle it a little better by that time because I do see that being overprotective has the opposite results. She's not yet very responsible as I haven't yet given her the chance to prove herself.

She loose keys, looses her telephone, leaves kettles on the stove and forgets about it, doesn't brush teeth without me telling her..I still check everything.

And when I  figured it would be better for her to learn by her mistakes and decided I didn't go and check on her by for exmaple finding her housekeys for her last week, it became apparent that she had left them in the door on the outside of her house and while we were sleeping our house got broken into! We basically invited them leaving the key in the door.

But the worst thing is :My daughter doens't seem to realize that this is a consequence of forgetting your key.

I guess I need advice as how to turn things around from being overprotective to giving her responsibiltiy but in a way that doesn't burn down our house or end up have burglars visit us etc.

Any advice ,anybody?

 

 
June 18, 2007, 1:08 pm CDT

wow

Quote From: stabornc

I'm jumping the gun and posting before the show airs.  I don't have to see it to know what will be said - I lived it, but not from my mom - my dad was worse. 

  

My philosophy was as long as my parents paid my bills, I was obligated to follow their rules.  That meant not going to the library without my sister. Not leaving the house without my sister. No dating. Who wants their sister on a date? My older brother was required to chaperone our oldest sister on her dates, and the resentment was huge because my father never once offered to pay for my brother and his obligatory date to accompany her.  Although there was 9 years difference between the 2 sets of children the attitude didn't change. 

  

My twin sister and I were required to room together in college, and if a parent called and one of us didn't know where the other was........   I was the dishonest one who lied to prevent the hysterics.  Once my sister was grounded with no car because I returned to the dorm room at 10pm after being on the interstate for 40 miles from visiting our older sister.  We were 21 years old and 3 months from graduating.  My father's attitude was "what if something had happened", and my response was "then you should take the blame for not believing you taught us to take care of ourselves - back off".  My sister didn't receive this treatment - she followed the formula of "daddy takes care of you until your husband does". 

  

I never told my parents when I was interviewing for a job after I lost the first interview because my father was in attendance.  He was afraid something would happen on the trip and insisted on going along for the ride.   

  

I moved 500 miles away for my second job, and he panicked when he found out at the age of 26 I booked my own flight, rented a car, survived the trip - and didn't tell him until after I accepted the job. I didn't even tell him I was job hunting.  I traveled to Manhatten during those days on business - but that didn't concern him - I suppose he thought a man accompanied me the entire time.   

  

I bought an answering machine with a remote the time I returned home from a weeklong business trip with a weekend layover to visit friends.  I was furious when the police came knocking on my door begging me to call home because he had been calling them every 3 hours the entire weekend afraid I had an accident and couldn't get to the phone. That was the first time I raised my voice at him.  No news is good news - his name and phone number were in my wallet in case of emergency.  His response was "what if you had a flat tire", and I yelled "And just what do you think you could do 500 miles away? I am supposed to call and wait for you to drive that distance? ". 

  

Then there was the time in my 30's when I went on a 15 day vacation - part being an 11 day cruise.  While I was gone there were a news cast about a cruise ship that had run into trouble.  Thank goodness a sister was present to remind him the ship was in the "wrong ocean" from the ship I was on.   

  

Enough of these scenerio's resulted in our not speaking the last 2 years of his life.  I have no regrets.  It was his problem.  He was too overprotective. He should have been proud to have raised a child who was self-sufficient instead of  his being so self-absorbed and selfish in trying to keep "life" from happening.  I once asked my mom why she and dad treated us in such a manner, and her response was "for your own safety".  I asked "and if you had an only child you would have locked them in a closet their entire life to protect them?".  It was cruel of me, and she didn't answer, but my point was taken - too late.  A parent needs to realize that things happen, and it isn't their job to prevent those situations, but to train their child to make decisions and then be there to help pick up the pieces and learn from the mistakes.  We don't learn life and mature from the good times - we learn and grow from the bad times, and it's easier when a parent doesn't judge but assists in that growth. 

  

Overprotective parents are doing themselves and their children no favors in their behavior. 

  

Isn't it ironic that when a spouse or other adult treats a person in this manner it is considered obsessive , stalking and grounds for legal action?  So why do parents think it is OK behavior?  It isn't. 

I have a overprotecting mom still she called me 5 times a day and I am 31 years old, just to check up on if I did raise my son like she wanted me to I think, I told her that I didn´t like to be checked on that much and luckily she has heard and respect what I say. I must admit  that when I was younger I stayed out when having to get home from school just so my mother wouldn´t know what I was doing and when I got home she had sent the police out looking for me . so she would yell at me for getting her all worked up, I just didn´t care and hate overprotective and overcontroling parents and I wish that I can let go of my son soon cause I have to be a little protective about him right now but that is because he is making trouble for other people in our little comunity. He has pulled stickers of every of our neighbours mailboxes and also some cars, so I have to keep him inside unless I keep an eye on him when he is out all the time. And I can´t and won´t do that, so at the moment he is having housearrest so I can see what he is doing, only to show him that he can´t just touch and destroy other people´s stuff unless he won´t be punished and he really loves being out so it is a big punishment. Kindergarden really gets the worst out in him he was so much nicer when he didn´t go in a good kindergarden, they can´t see what the children do all day and when we as parents have to let our children be their 8-9 hours a day a lot of the upbringing is the kindergarden teachers doing or well they can´t keep an eye on 30 kids just 5 adult all time I know that . I truly hope it is just a fase and that he will soon learn to have respect for other people´s stuff as well as his own,and when (hopefully) he gets over this I will let him go out on his own again cause I wanna make him independent and his own man one day not just another mother´s boy who think they are god´s gift to women. I will try to teach him respect for woman and learn him to be a real modern man to be able to take care of himself make food and clean up and wash clothes but all that is in good time cause he is only 4 :D
 
September 29, 2008, 2:47 pm CDT

Help

Hi Dr Phil, I'm a very over protective Mom of a 18 year old senior and a 14yr old freshman. Watching your show  made me want to change. I need help! Do u have steps or something for me to follow? Thanks, Cant let go mom.
 
September 30, 2008, 1:29 pm CDT

I HAVE TO AGREE WITH DR. PHIL

....THAT AS A PARENT WE HAVE TO ALLOW FOR SOME FREEDOM TO THE CHILD TO ALLOW THEM TO FIND THEMSELVES AND THEIR STRENGTHS & WEEKNESSES.......SO LONG AS IT IS IN GOOD JUDGEMENT OF COURSE. 

 

WITH MY FIRST CHILD I WAS OVER PROTECTIVE.......I WORRIED ALL THE TIME (I STILL DO..), BUT I IN A SENSE I SHELTERED MY SON, I THOUGHT I WAS PROTECTING HIM, BUT WHAT I DID DO WAS DENIE HIM THE OPPORTUNITY TO DEVELOP CERTAIN SKILLS....SUCH AS SOCIAL AND COPING.  COMPARED TO MY 2 YOUNGER ONES HE LAGS IN BOTH......HE TENDS TO TAKE THINGS TO PERSONAL/INTERNAL WHEN NEGATIVE SITUATIONS OCCUR......AND NOW I REALIZE THAT I CAN'T ALWAYS PROTECT HIM FROM NEGATIVE SITUATIONS.  FOR INSTANCE, HE IS NOW IN HIGH SCHOOL, AND UNFORTUNATELY HE HAS EXPERIENCED "BULLYING" IN SCHOOL......IT REALLY HAD A NEGATIVE AFFECT ON HIM THAT HE HAS A HARD TIME TO LET GO........HE HAS TAKEN IT SO PERSONAL......THANKFULLY, WITH ENCOURAGEMENT AND ALOT OF COMMUNICATION HE IS HEALING AND IS BEGINING TO REALIZE ITS NOT SOMETHING HE NEEDS TO HOLD ONTO.  THIS, INSTANCE AS HURTFULL AS IT IS I AM SURE WOULD HAVE BEEN ALOT EASIER FOR HIM TO MOVE FORWARD FROM IF I DIDN'T DENY HIM THE SKILLS HE SO NEEDED TO DEVELOP WHILE AS A YOUNG CHILD......I REALIZE THIS NOW AND AM SO SORRY THAT I DIDN'T ALLOW HIM TO RUN AND PLAY FREELY........AND TO ALLOW THOSE LITTLE INSTANCES THAT OCCUR TO HAPPEN AND HAVE HIM STAND UP BRUSH HIMSELF OFF AND CONTINUE TO PLAY. 

I SEE THAT IT IS HOW I PARENTED, I REALIZE THAT I DID DENY HIM TO LEARN......MY OTHER 2 CHILDREN I HAD LITTLE RESTRICTIONS ON........I ALLOWED THEM TO RUN AND PLAY, I ALLOWED THEM TO EXPLORE, AND HAVE THE FREEDOM THEY NEEDED EVEN AS YOUNG CHILDREN AND NOW I REALIZE HOW IMPORTANT IT WAS FOR THEM TO HAVE THAT SO THAT THEY CAN BECOME WELL ROUNDED INDIVIDUALS.  THE 2 YOUNGER ONES ARE SO MUCH MORE SOCIABLE, THEY COPE BETTER IN ALL SORT OF INSTANCES, AND ARE MORE OUT GOING. 

I AM SURE MOST WILL ARGUE THAT EVEN THOUGH THEY PROTECT THEIR CHILD, THEY ARE STILL HAPPY AND WELL ROUNDED.  MY SON IS TOO......HE'S NOT ANTI-SOCIAL......HE HAS FRIENDS LAUGHS AND HAS FUN BUT HE'S JUST NOT AS OUTGOING, AND HE JUST TAKES THINGS TOO PERSONAL, I BELIEVE IT HAS TO DO WITH HOW I PARENTED TO HELP ME FEEL AT EASE WITHOUT GIVING ANY CONSIDERATION TO HOW WHAT I WAS DOING WOULD EFFECT HIM NOW......SO YES, ALLOW YOUR CHILD TO GROW FREELY.....SO LONG AS IT IS ALL IN GOOD JUDGEMENT.

 
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