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Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:41:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/12/05) They won’t let you walk down the street alone.  They call your house five times a day, screen your calls, and monitor your every move. It’s not the FBI; it’s mothers! When 14-year-old Ashlee was on the show nearly two years ago, she said her mother, Teresa, was embarrassing and strict, and she wanted it to stop. Now she’s back and says her mom still won’t allow her to have any freedom. See the assignment Dr. Phil gave them that brought Teresa to tears. Plus, meet a 43-year old woman who says her mother is so overprotective, she calls the police if she comes home late. Can her mom learn how to let go? Share your thoughts.

 

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October 12, 2005, 12:35 pm CDT

Opposites

I think my situation is the opposite as the over protective mothers. I'm a 15 year old high school sophmore, and  I think my parents would like it if I would ride the bus and socialize with my friends more.  I don't do these things because I feel like the parents, I don't want to ride the bus, and walk to my friends houses, because I am worried about people.  People aren't trustworthy and I want to be safe.  I do go to the mall with my friends, and I have walked home from school, and I've allways been safe, but I still feel a little worried.  I'm worried about my situation because if I can't do things for my self, how am I going to be when I have to move out and live on my own.
 
October 12, 2005, 12:49 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

Quote From: kim839

I am a 26 year old mother of three. I came from a "normal" family and I am the oldest. I was very sheltered growing up and my parents were overprotective. When they finally cut me loose, I made wrong decisions. I ended up pregnant at 17. After I had my daughter, I split with her father and met my husband. My parents once again were trying to control me and gave me an ultimatum which resulted in my moving out and marrying at age 18. I was not taught how to make smart decisions, I was just told what I wasn't allowed to do. My husband and I are still together today, but it has not been easy and it still isn't. I still have a lot of issues with my parents. I have never felt good enough in their eyes. I still don't. My brother is three years younger than me and he was given many more liberties than I was. Even my younger sister was allowed to do things that I wasn't. Perhaps my parents learned from seeing what it had done to me, but it still hurts. We don't have a good relationship. I struggle every day with not feeling good enough and it spills into my marriage.  

  

Now that I am in their shoes, I can understand why they didn't want to let me go. My father asked me what I would do if my daughter did the same things I did and I have no idea what I would do. I just hope that I can draw on my experiences and make the right decisions for her.  

  

i came from a normal loving family too, and i was not completly sheltered to much i am the youngest, i have 2 older sisters and a older brother, i was allowed to more than the other 3, and about 3 months before my 17th b-day i became pregnant. i was married(my sons father), graduated and celebrated my sons 1st b-day  all with weeks of eachother i was 18, i got pregnant again and lost the baby that was 19 and now at 23 we are still married and have 2 more kids a 20 month old and a 9 month old. i do not believe being sheltered or not would have made a difference, i am sure i would have made the same choices, and yes it has been very hard these past 5 yrs,  and my siblings have made choices in there lives , that maybe they wished they would have did different, but we are still all 4 here and not in trouble, so i believe my parents did good.all i can say is i want to protect my kids, but  they have to make there choices, i can not  be over them at all times watching them,  i can only teach them to do right and pray that they do it.
 
October 12, 2005, 12:53 pm CDT

People are often trustworthy

Quote From: rbscruffy

I think my situation is the opposite as the over protective mothers. I'm a 15 year old high school sophmore, and  I think my parents would like it if I would ride the bus and socialize with my friends more.  I don't do these things because I feel like the parents, I don't want to ride the bus, and walk to my friends houses, because I am worried about people.  People aren't trustworthy and I want to be safe.  I do go to the mall with my friends, and I have walked home from school, and I've allways been safe, but I still feel a little worried.  I'm worried about my situation because if I can't do things for my self, how am I going to be when I have to move out and live on my own.

I was so much like you at that age and I was lucky enough to learn a few lessons that helped me to understand that for the most part, people are trustworthy.  

  

You're not wrong to have fears... fears keep us safe but they shouldn't keep us from doing things that aren't dangerous. I took a theater arts class and made myself do some things (safe things) which were outside of my comfort zone. If you try to do that, you'll begin to grow out of your fears. Busses, for example, are mainly safe. There's a bus driver to keep order, there's lighting and if you feel threatened by someone on the bus. You can go and speak with the driver or choose not to get off the bus until the feeling of danger (or passenger you fear) is gone.  

  

One of the ways I learned that people are mostly trustworthy comes from being extremely absent minded. I've "lost" my purse or wallet about 20 times.... I've gotten it back 20 times and one of the times it was returned, it had money in it which was not there when I lost it. (I keep no money in my purse or wallet) The woman who returned it with $20 in it was worried that someone had taken my money and left the wallet and she didn't want me to be disappointed in people!! I did have my purse stolen from a grocery cart once and that was horrible but that was just one bad person in a shop full of good ones. If you ask yourself what you would do if you found a purse, I'm sure you'd do what most people would, return it :)  

  

Watching the news and reading the paper gives us a very skewed sense of how the vast majority of people are. It's smart to be a bit fearful and watchful but you miss out on so much by believing that "people aren't trustworthy" because that just isn't so.  

  

You're already well on your way to maturing and becoming a brave person because you're keeping yourself safe and trying to find a way to grow!  

 
October 12, 2005, 1:00 pm CDT

I agree with becamarie

Not all over-protective mothers are doing so because they want to be in control or because they want/need attention.  I can see both sides here because my fiancés mother was extremely controlling and he didn't leave home until he was 26! We don't have a relationship because she never wanted him to leave home and couldn't cope with anyone else taking care of him.  She was so nasty to me and I hate her to this day.  She never knew how to untie the apron strings! 

But I have to agree with becamarie ... there are mothers like me that are over-protective because they were sexually abused or raped as a child and they know what it is like to live with that for the rest of their lives.  Yeah you can get over it (kinda) but there are effects that stay with you for the rest of your lives.  Like not being able to trust men, problems with intimacy and relationships, depression etc... And I do not feel like a bad mother for being over-protective because I am trying to protect my daughter from having to feel the way I do and personally I would have rather had controlling parents than to have had to go through the abuse I did.  I was only 7 years old.   

I would gladly take the effects of a controlling mother over the effects of child sexual abuse anyday!  Which would you prefer?  I lost my childhood.  I feel dirty and guilty and ashamed of what happened.  And I was just a little kid that couldn't do anything.  I had problems making friends and I never wanted to go anywhere... just stay at home and somehow deal with what had happened to me... I was never happy.  Think of all those things you enjoyed so much as a child... maybe something like your first ferris-wheel ride or roller-coaster ride... I never enjoyed those things like you did.  And now I feel like a child in an adults body wanting to do all that stuff and buy all those cool toys!  And I'm 26 years old!  I don't want that for my daughter.  I want her to thoroughly enjoy her childhood and to do everything she wants before it's too late.  I want her to have good relationships with men and to not have to worry about problems trusting men and problems with intimacy/s**.  If that makes me a bad mother then this world is really screwed up.  I hate to think how worried I'd be if I lived in America... I live in New Zealand and the crime rate is mild compared to the US.  We don't really have to worry that much about kidnappings... It is pretty safe to let your child play in the backyard if it's fenced.   

 
October 12, 2005, 1:04 pm CDT

I HAVE THE SAME ISSUES

Quote From: myrose4

Well I haven't seen the show yet but I know this is the show about me. I am 32  and my mother wants to pick my friends , calls to make sure I am home even tries to tell me what I can and can not do.  She is controlling.I can not seem to make her see that her behavior is the problem between us. She just keeps on pointing out all my faults. It is to the point that I feel the need to cut all ties with her, but i want my daughters to have a relationship with her but I am scared she will do the same to them.She does it to my oldest already. I have resentment toward my mother for she was not there for me when i was a teenager till my twenties. Now that I am grown she wants to tell me how to live. It drives me crazy.If anyone has any advice i would be grateful

RIGHT NOW I AM FACED WITH THE SAME ISSUES, ONLY IT'S MY FATHER.  HE IS ACTUALLY MY STEPFATHER WHO HAS RAISED ME SINCE I WAS 4Y/O AND NEVER HAD ANY BIOLOGICAL CHILDREN.  I AM 27 YEARS OLD, GROWING UP I WAS QUITE REBELLIOUS AND DID WHAT I WANTED AND MADE A FEW MISTAKES ALONG THE WAY.  THAT WAS 10 YEARS AGO AND I HAVE CAME A LONG WAY SINCE THAT TIME!  I DID MOVE HOME AGAIN AT 21 TO "RE-ESTABLISH" MYSELF AND WHO I WANTED AND NEEDED TO BE.  I AM PROUD TO SAY THAT I HAVE SINECE GONE BACK TO SCHOOL, KEPT A STEADY JOB AS A NURSE AND HAVE GROWN TO BE A RESPONSIBLE ADULT.  HOWEVER, MY DAD (AND MOM) CANNOT LET THE PAST REST AND BRING IT UP TO ME ON A WEEKLY BASIS.  MY FATHER ALWAYS WANTS TO KNOW WHERE I'M AT, WHO I'M WITH, HOW LONG I WILL BE AND NEVER HESITATES TO CALL 5 TIMES IN A ROW IF I'M LATER THAN I SAY OR IF HE "SUSPECTS" ANYTHING.  I AM MOVING OUT ON MY OWN AS A RESULT OF THIS AND REGAINING MY INDENPENDENCE, BUT HE THINKS I SHOULD STAY HOME UNITL I AM COMPLETELY FINISHED WITH SCHOOL, NOR SHOULD I DATE ANYONE UNTIL SCHOOL IS COMPLETE.  MY DAD AND I BONDED THE MOST OVER HTE PAST YEARS THAT I HAVE BEEN AT HOME, AND I HAVE MASE SURE THAT I HAVE DONE NOTHING LESS THAN PLEASING HIM AND MY MOM AND DONE EVERYTHING THEY ASK, INCLUDING ME ENDING A DATING RELATIONSHIP WITH SOMEONE WHO I LIKED.  NOW I AM SEEING SOMEONE DIFFERENT, WHICH OF COURSE THEY DO NOT APPROVE OF, AND MOVING OUT AS I SAID EARLIER, WHICH THEY DO NOT THINK I SHOULD DO B/C ULTIMAELY I WILL FAIL OR DROP OUT OF SCHOOL AND LIVE A VERY HARD LIFE (ACCORDING TO THEM).  MY DAD AND I HAVE ALWAYS GONE TO BALLGAMES TOGETHER, AND HE HAS TURNED DOWN TICKETS BEFORE B/C THERE WASN'T ONE FOR ME, BUT NOW MY NEW GUY HAS TICS TO A PLAYOFF GAME AND DOES NOT HAVE ONE FOR HIM, AND MY DAD EXPECTS ME TO TURN IT DOWN B/C IT WILL "HURT HIM TOO MUCH"  B/C THAT'S OUR TIME THAT'S BEING "STOLEN".  THERE IS A FINE LINME BETWEEN LOVE AND CONTROL.  OF COURSE YOU WANT TO PROTECT YOUTR CHILDREN FROM THE EVIL PEOPLE OUT THERE, AND THAT IS UNDERSTANDABLE, BUT PARENT'S SHOULD HAVE FATIH IN THE MORALS THAT THEY HAVE INSTALLED IN THEIR CHILDREN.  IF NOT IT WILL CAUSE RESENTMENT IN ALL INVOLVED.   

 
October 12, 2005, 1:12 pm CDT

When Ashley Goes to College....

I have news for Ashley's mom: what she is doing is harmful. I appreciate that she cares about her daughter's safety (Lord knows we have seen what happens when parents are clueless and careless), but she has taken it to an extreme. If and when her daughter goes off to college or the real world in less than 4 years, one of two things will happen:
1. She will totally rebel with booze, guys, partying. Everything that was off-limits before will be wide open before her and she'll plunge right in without thinking.
or...
2. She will be so shocked and confused with the lifestyles of others students who were not so sheltered that she will totally withdraw and lead a lonely lifestyle.  

I graduated from college three years ago and knew girls like Ashley who did both of these things. And both wound up miserable.
At 14, Ashley needs to begin learning "the ways of the world" in a protected enviroment. Doing anything else is doing her a great disservice.  

 
October 12, 2005, 1:21 pm CDT

My mom was like this and...

I resent her now for it.  I tend to avoid social situations now, and I find it very hard to make new friends.  I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mom would accuse them of stealing things, and if I went to a friends house, I had to worry she'd excuse the father of the home of being a molestor.  Needless to say, normal sleepovers that every girl has were NOT a part of my life growing up.  During the January of 1998, we had a sever ice storm in my neck of the woods.  We had no power, and it got very cold.  She was so over protective she wouldn't take any neighbors up on the offer to stay at thier place-- where they had wood/gas buring stoves.  She was too afraid that me, and my then 3 year old sister would get raped.  I got in trouble once for purposefully missing my bus stop and going to a friends house.  Even though I called her once I got there, she screamed at me and then screamed at the friends mom too.  I was grounded for a month -- which was a joke since I never went anywhere. She even barged into a school dance and pulled me out of it early -- she still thinks that was funny, but I'm still embarressed by that event. 

  

This behaviour damaged our relationship perminantely, I missed out on several opprotunities to travel the world on the cheap through my school.  I quit band because I couldn't go to the provincials (province = state) and compete.  And I even attended community college in a course SHE wanted to take.   Even when I went to live with my grandparents when I was 18, then my grandpa would follow the city bus in his car. 

  

Even though I was suffocated, I want to say it's not like I became a party girl after all this.  In fact, when she kicked me out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday, I still lived like I was under her rule.  Like I said, I find it really hard to interact with other people because I wasn't permitted to, that part of my development was retarded.  I think now that she's seen my step-sister turn to drugs and alcohol as a result of thier strictness, she's being more lenient with my other sister. 

  

I honestly think that sever situations like this should constitute a form of child abuse.  I intend to give my son the benefit of the doubt and hope that I'll teach him to protect himself. 

  

To all the mother's who think this is ok, trust me, in the long run it isn't.  It's damaging to the relationship.   I will say this, however, monitoring your children online is FINE with me.  As a website moderator, I can tell you, people Ashley's age can cause a LOT of havoc in various forums! 

 
October 12, 2005, 1:27 pm CDT

Don't Mean to Annoy...

But.. on the show they said "Find out if you're an overprotective mom at drphil.com. But I don't see that feature anywhere. Am I missing something here?
 
October 12, 2005, 1:36 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

Quote From: queenzen

I resent her now for it.  I tend to avoid social situations now, and I find it very hard to make new friends.  I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mom would accuse them of stealing things, and if I went to a friends house, I had to worry she'd excuse the father of the home of being a molestor.  Needless to say, normal sleepovers that every girl has were NOT a part of my life growing up.  During the January of 1998, we had a sever ice storm in my neck of the woods.  We had no power, and it got very cold.  She was so over protective she wouldn't take any neighbors up on the offer to stay at thier place-- where they had wood/gas buring stoves.  She was too afraid that me, and my then 3 year old sister would get raped.  I got in trouble once for purposefully missing my bus stop and going to a friends house.  Even though I called her once I got there, she screamed at me and then screamed at the friends mom too.  I was grounded for a month -- which was a joke since I never went anywhere. She even barged into a school dance and pulled me out of it early -- she still thinks that was funny, but I'm still embarressed by that event. 

  

This behaviour damaged our relationship perminantely, I missed out on several opprotunities to travel the world on the cheap through my school.  I quit band because I couldn't go to the provincials (province = state) and compete.  And I even attended community college in a course SHE wanted to take.   Even when I went to live with my grandparents when I was 18, then my grandpa would follow the city bus in his car. 

  

Even though I was suffocated, I want to say it's not like I became a party girl after all this.  In fact, when she kicked me out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday, I still lived like I was under her rule.  Like I said, I find it really hard to interact with other people because I wasn't permitted to, that part of my development was retarded.  I think now that she's seen my step-sister turn to drugs and alcohol as a result of thier strictness, she's being more lenient with my other sister. 

  

I honestly think that sever situations like this should constitute a form of child abuse.  I intend to give my son the benefit of the doubt and hope that I'll teach him to protect himself. 

  

To all the mother's who think this is ok, trust me, in the long run it isn't.  It's damaging to the relationship.   I will say this, however, monitoring your children online is FINE with me.  As a website moderator, I can tell you, people Ashley's age can cause a LOT of havoc in various forums! 

I have a very similar experience, I lived in a very small town where I was never happy, and had a very hard time making friends. Despite the fact that I lived there nine years, I always felt like the new kid. My mother had a hard time making friends as well, and I think this might have had something to do with it. I went from being an independent fearless little girl to being unable to look a cashier in the eye when I'm checking out at a store.

The few friends/acquaintances that I made didn't remain such for long, because I was never allowed to leave my house to do anything with them. When other kids had a 10-11 PM curfew, mine was 5 PM, not that it mattered because I didn't have any friends to go anywhere with. Finally I turned to the only place I knew to get social interaction with peers and that was the internet.

I ran away from home at the age of sixteen and my mother finally realized that she'd never be able to control me and we're at a sort of precarious peace with each other.  She tells me that I am her rebellious child, because my political and religious view are different from her.
 
October 12, 2005, 1:37 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

i'm 23 years old. from the age of 13 on i didn' t have a curfew, i was allowed to go pretty much anywhere i wanted as long as my parents knew where i was, and i never, ever got into trouble. my parents had faith in how they raised me. they knew that i would make good decisions and use my best judgement. 

  

this mother is hurting her daughter more than she is helping her. she is sheltering her from experiences that would normally help her develop who she is. 

  

if you are a controlling parent, chances are that you either don't trust your parenting skills, think your child is not capable of making good decisions (due to your parenting skills), or have your own issues that you are reflecting on your children.  

  

bad things happen all the time, but don't let that stop you or your children from making great things happen. it's almost like the saying 'don't cut off your nose to spite your face." 

 
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