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Topic : 03/14 Overprotective Moms

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Created on : Friday, October 07, 2005, 03:41:17 pm
Author : DrPhilBoard1

(Original Air Date: 10/12/05) They won’t let you walk down the street alone.  They call your house five times a day, screen your calls, and monitor your every move. It’s not the FBI; it’s mothers! When 14-year-old Ashlee was on the show nearly two years ago, she said her mother, Teresa, was embarrassing and strict, and she wanted it to stop. Now she’s back and says her mom still won’t allow her to have any freedom. See the assignment Dr. Phil gave them that brought Teresa to tears. Plus, meet a 43-year old woman who says her mother is so overprotective, she calls the police if she comes home late. Can her mom learn how to let go? Share your thoughts.

 

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October 12, 2005, 1:37 pm CDT

Counseling and medication?

I had to stop watching, but I hope, after all the jocularity, that we are getting this woman some help for her panic disorder!  That kid is going to start sneaking out.   
 
October 12, 2005, 1:39 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

I never really thought of my mother being overprotective until I was in school. I realized that I was missing so much of the experience of life that my peers had already discovered, and that I had been completely sheltered. I have never gone to a mall with just my friends- my mother always deemed it too unsafe. I wasn't allowed to watch a PG-13 movie until I was 16, and that was Spiderman, the most tame of them all. I don't know about anyone else, but the overprotective mother thing made me want to experience life more, to break out. I had friends that influenced me in that way too, but I wouldn't complain when we watched a PG-13 movie in class, or if anything happened that my mother disapproved of. She'd never know. I wasn't allowed to have a sleepover until high school, and that was with a girlfriend whos parents were constantly around. In actuality, her parents would leave to go to the store, or out to a movie, and she and I would be by ourselves. My mother doesn't know this. I refuse to tell her. My mother has always controlled what I listened to, what I ate, who I spoke to, what I watched, and when I was on the computer, she watched my every move. I wasn't allowed on AIM until I was in high school, and I had started using it without my parent's knowledge through another application before I finally asked if they could lift the parental controls on my AOL account- the only internet we had at the time. At 18 years, I am STILL not allowed to ride my bike beyond where my mother can see from the front door of our home, which includes the circle of our court. That's it. I wasn't allowed to cross the street until I was about 10, with or without someone else's parents. I wasn't allowed in my friend's houses ever. My mother always needs to know where I am, who I'm with, what I'm doing at every time of the day. When I am out with my 23 year old sister, my mother calls us constantly- 2 or 3 times within a span of about ten minutes- and if she can't get one, she'll call the other, asking the same questions over and over again. At 18, she will not let me bring a book into the house unless she has stood in the store and practically read the whole thing herself. I was asked out by a wonderful gentleman when I was 15. I was not allowed to go on a date unless it was a group date. Group dates are incredibly uncomfortable. Also, my mother said that I was not allowed to call it a date. When I had originally asked to go out with this boy, my mother had said "No, because I'm done raising children and I don't want any more running around this house" This told me that , even at 15, and having given her absolutely no reasons not to trust me, she didn't have faith in my moral values. I am still incredibly restricted, and my mother puts her nose in my business constantly. If I forget to call, she'll call over and over and over, leaving 10 minute messages on my cell phone until I answer. Or, if I forget to call when I arrive at a friend's house, my mother will, without warning, drive over to that friend's house and demand that I come home. She also gets incredibly upset if we deviate from the plan slightly. For example, one morning, my friends and I were going to go to IHOP for a group breakfast. Instead, we decided that we'd find better food at the International Pancake House a few minutes farther away. My mother freaked when she found out, and swore that the next time we changed plans that I wasn't going anywhere with my friends ever. My father has helped me so much over the years, to break away from my mother's control. When I want to do things, I ask in front of my father now, so that he can help me to argue for my point. My mother's ploy to keep me from doing things is to come up with a stupid excuse. For example, in middle school I wanted to go on our celebratory 8th grade cruise, which was a one-day cruise around the inner harbor, lasting about 4 hours, and completely chaparoned. My mother wouldn't let me go. When I asked why, she said it was because I "didn't do [my] chores" I HAD NO CHORES TO DO!! My mother always used the excuse that I did "nothing around the house", when in reality, she assumed the responsibility for it all, and wouldn't let us do anything to help. I've missed out on alot of things this way. Now that I'm away at college, she's turned her focus more toward my brother, but when I go home on weekends (to do laundry) she is back in control over me, and it's like I'm 12 again. My friends have done all they can to try to bring me up to date with reality, teaching me slang terms I should know, even helping me to see movies I wanted to see but wasn't allowed to. I spend lots of time with my friends, and during that time we break every rule my mother has ever tried to enforce. Of course, with my mother, we never have had clear rules, it was just that we'd find out something wasn't allowed after we'd done it. And then we'd get punished for it. Breaking the rules with my friends wasn't something we'd do on purpose, it just happened. We'd watch a PG-13 movie, or talk about things my mother would deem completely unacceptable. It just...happened. And this that I've told you is really just the tip of the iceberg. You're not alone if your mother is overprotective. Or your father, grandmother, grandfather, uncle, aunt, whomever. What I've found to work, is to tread lightly and only let loose on who you are when you are without your parents. I don't mean to act out by sleeping around or anything like that, but to wait until you're out with friends to watch movies, or to talk frankly about topics that concern you, but that your mother would rather shun you from. And go to college AWAY from home. Get out of the house, and out of their control, as fast as you can!! I hope this helps someone out there. *~Laura~*
 
October 12, 2005, 1:42 pm CDT

10/12 Overprotective Moms

Quote From: queenzen

I resent her now for it.  I tend to avoid social situations now, and I find it very hard to make new friends.  I wasn't allowed to have friends over because my mom would accuse them of stealing things, and if I went to a friends house, I had to worry she'd excuse the father of the home of being a molestor.  Needless to say, normal sleepovers that every girl has were NOT a part of my life growing up.  During the January of 1998, we had a sever ice storm in my neck of the woods.  We had no power, and it got very cold.  She was so over protective she wouldn't take any neighbors up on the offer to stay at thier place-- where they had wood/gas buring stoves.  She was too afraid that me, and my then 3 year old sister would get raped.  I got in trouble once for purposefully missing my bus stop and going to a friends house.  Even though I called her once I got there, she screamed at me and then screamed at the friends mom too.  I was grounded for a month -- which was a joke since I never went anywhere. She even barged into a school dance and pulled me out of it early -- she still thinks that was funny, but I'm still embarressed by that event. 

  

This behaviour damaged our relationship perminantely, I missed out on several opprotunities to travel the world on the cheap through my school.  I quit band because I couldn't go to the provincials (province = state) and compete.  And I even attended community college in a course SHE wanted to take.   Even when I went to live with my grandparents when I was 18, then my grandpa would follow the city bus in his car. 

  

Even though I was suffocated, I want to say it's not like I became a party girl after all this.  In fact, when she kicked me out 2 weeks after my 18th birthday, I still lived like I was under her rule.  Like I said, I find it really hard to interact with other people because I wasn't permitted to, that part of my development was retarded.  I think now that she's seen my step-sister turn to drugs and alcohol as a result of thier strictness, she's being more lenient with my other sister. 

  

I honestly think that sever situations like this should constitute a form of child abuse.  I intend to give my son the benefit of the doubt and hope that I'll teach him to protect himself. 

  

To all the mother's who think this is ok, trust me, in the long run it isn't.  It's damaging to the relationship.   I will say this, however, monitoring your children online is FINE with me.  As a website moderator, I can tell you, people Ashley's age can cause a LOT of havoc in various forums! 

>> Like I said, I find it really hard to interact with other people because I wasn't permitted to, that part of my development was retarded. I feel the same way! Even when my mother is no where around, I still feel as though no matter what I do, she'll find out about it and I'll get into trouble, even if I did nothing wrong. It restricts me. It's hard for me to trust people, I'm very introverted, and find it hard to deal with social situations. I'm afraid to do anything for fear that I'll catch hell for it later, even though I know that my mother can't always see me, and doesn't know what I'm doing. When I make choices, it's always "I can't, my mother would kill me." Even if I don't know that for sure. Thank you so much for bringing up that point. Also, monitoring child activity online is okay, but reading their email and chats with friends is NOT. There is a point where privacy can be invaded and reading their personal things SHOULD NOT BE DONE. It's WRONG, and it also damages the relationship and makes the child afraid of their parents. And of the world, with a fear that everyone is always out to tell their parents and get them in trouble. Thank you for brining these up.
 
October 12, 2005, 1:44 pm CDT

I totally get it!

To the moms on the show. I totally get it. I too have the same feelings inside me. I am so fearful that my children, son 21, daughter 11 1/2 will get killed or kidnapped or hurt when they leave my sight or that my husband will get killed everyday when he leaves for work or goes to the store. However, I learned early on that I had to LET GO AND LET GOD protect them. I say a prayer (or many) and even if you don't believe in God, prayer helps yourself feel better and calms my fear. I lost my dad when I was 9 in a motorcycle accident and I felt like everyone I loved was going to die. I still feel that way sometimes. It manifests itself when a tragic thing happens such as an unexpected death in your family or an attack etc...I am also an adult child of an alcoholic and that is one of the things we have to overcome....most of us anyhow. In my opinion.
 
October 12, 2005, 1:48 pm CDT

Children are not a possession

 Just my two cents here. I think the thing that parents need to understand and remember is that children are not a peice of possession that you own.They are thinking, loving, caring INDIVIDUALS, just like you are from your parents. Yes, I know the world is a dangerous place for people, especially children. But I think it's really important to understand that as children get older, they develope a mind of their own. And the job of  parents is to help their kids develope their mind and thoughts. Parents are here to raise children into individuals that make positive contributions to society. How can kids become those individuals if their parents don't let them see society, or make choices about it? My mom always let me do what I wanted, simply because she trusted me (as an individual person, not necessarily as her daughter) to make the right choices. Yeah, I screwed up a couple of times, but you know what? I LEARNED FROM MY MISTAKES! The number one excuse I hear from overprotected parents is that they protect their children simply because they do not want them making the same mistakes that the parents made when they were younger. How is a child to learn from their mistakes and life if they're not given a chance to experience it? Now, granted, setting boundaries is fine. There's nothing wrong with that. It's a great way for kids to show parents that they can be trusted to make the right choices. The reason why my mom let my do what I wanted (other than the fact that she trusted me), is that when she set boundaries, I followed them. She never gave me a curfew when I was a teenager, but she would always tell me "Amber, give me a call if you're going to be late." I loved and respected my mom enough to do just that. I would call her at around 10:30ish and tell her where I was, who I was with, and about what time I would be home. She was fine with that. She trusted me enough to not go anywhere with strangers, or do anything "stupid". She met all of my friends (so I could show her who they were and who I was hanging out with), and it was through all of this that I gained her trust. Yes, I'll admit, I still live at home at the age of 22 (I'm going to school, that's why :)), and not only do I see my mom as my mom, but I see her as my best friend, sometimes even as a roommate. I can come and go as I please without her worrying about where I am. I can talk to her about anything (believe it or not, even *gasp* SEX). I really do believe it's because she trusted me enough with my choices that I'm the person I am today. I have very strong opinions about things (not necessarily the same as hers), and that's what makes me ME. I have an awesome relationship with her, and I wouldn't change that for the world.Now, I understand that parents want to protect their children from "preditors". After all, even though I'm not a mother, I'd want the same for my children. However, I also want my future children to become their own individual, with their own thoughts and feelings about certain things. I want them to experience life to the fullest. I even want them to make mistakes so they can learn from them! I want them to become productive individuals in society, who can make positive contributions. Good and bad experiences is what makes people grow into who they are today, and I think that's what kids need.
 
October 12, 2005, 1:52 pm CDT

My mom hates me

   

  My mom likes to control me. She lives right down the street, which I know is bad. She watches when I go out, when I come in.  Who comes to my house.  But the thinh I hate the most  is she doesn't like me.  She talks about me like a dog behind my back.  Runs me in the ground.  Tells people that I don't care about my kids.  How do I get her to stop?  She is turning everyone against me? 

 
October 12, 2005, 2:08 pm CDT

Over protective

I know how Teresa feels.  I have a 12 year old son when he was about 41/2 years I lost him at a parade and I could not find him for about 15 minutes.  All kinds of crazy things went through my head.  When he was little I used to watch him go to the neighbors house just to make sure he made it.  Now if he goes to a friends house I have him call me when he gets there.  If he is late getting home I am starting to panic.   

  My sister tells my son he will never be able to go to College or get married because I will not let go of him.  I know I should let go but I just do not know how.  I get his clothes out for him and make sure he has everything he needs ready for the next day.  I make sure he has his school bag packed with everything and make sure all of his homework is in it.  I always ask him how was school did every one treat you ok .  If he goes anywhere I always ask did he have fun, who was there, did everyone talk.  I am making a nut case out of my son.  I jsut do not know what to do. 

 
October 12, 2005, 2:09 pm CDT

I had a controlling dad

I was raised with a controlling dad. He controlled my every move as well as all my thoughts. I find it very hard now to make my own decisions about things and am always second guessing myself. I am 32 years old. I have 2 children. My 1st was born out of wedlock at 16 and he controlled her as well. He always held her over my head as a way to get me to "behave"  

  

It took me getting married and not speaking to my dad for over a year to get him out of my life. 

  

My brother who is 31 never got away from my dad, he controlled everything from his actions to his spending money. When my dad moved out f state and left my brother to fend for himself my brother didn't know how to budget money and eventually lost his house and guess what NOW he lives with my dad!!  

  

I have a how's the weather relationship with my dad. He does not visit me in my home and he doesn't know ANYTHING about my life except if I am hot or cold. 

  

It is working for me.  Adult children who continue to be controlled sometimes need to take drastic measures like I did and set ground rules and healthy boundaries. If you don't take the first step you may very well be controlled until your dear parents pass on. 

  

JMO, from my experience. PS... it took me working with a therapist and my husband to set those boundaries with my dad. 

Tammy 

 
October 12, 2005, 2:13 pm CDT

Need to let go.

These moms need to lighten up. I have a 17 year old daughter and although she is a very responsible young woman, I still worry about her safety.  She knows that I worry about her when she is out by herself, but I've had to trust that I have given her the education that she needs to keep her as safe as she can when she is out.   I can't tell you how many conversations about trust that we had from the time she was 12 until after she turned 16.  Eventually she understood it wasn't her that I didn't trust, it was other people.  It took a while to make her understand that she isn't invincible, but after a couple of her friends had been involved in car wrecks and some other things she understood where I was coming from.  She makes the effort to call me when she goes out to let me know she made it to her destination ok and then calls when she's on her way home.  I don't demand that she does it, she does it out of respect for me and her step-dad.  She knows that I'm not checking up on her, I just want to know that she's ok.     

 
October 12, 2005, 2:16 pm CDT

Good Idea....

Quote From: mommyblues

I have a 9 year old and i live 2 blocks from the school and i will NOT let her walk. She has freinds who do. and that is fine for them. But i have seen and heard of  kids missing on there way to school. I have worked my job around them to be here with them. I love them to much to let  them get hurt .  

  

I taught school for many years and one of the students was kidnapped and killed so I don't think it is a good idea for children to walk to school unless they walk in groups.  I do hope though that instead of driving your children to school you are walking with them.  We need to get our kids out and walking more......too many overweight kids with health problems on the horizon for them. 
 
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